Today’s challenge (suggested by reader John) is to make your own conspiracy theory in good fundamentalist style. Blame the prolific use of microwaves for the drop in church attendance. Suggest that mind control drugs put into communion wine is responsible for the inexplicable popularity of Ke$ha. Help us understand how increased cell phone usage will be instrumental in the fiendish world domination plans of the beast, the false prophet, and the entire cast of Glee.
A fundamentalist can survive without many things such as the friendship of those in his community or the pleasures of his current culture but no fundamentalist can go very long without A Cause to champion. For the wiles of the devil infect every corner of our universe and we must spare no effort to fight him wherever we spot his hand at work. No personal cost is to great, even if it means going to the effort of switching shampoo brands to avoid giving money to Satanists.
Of course, most of these causes don’t really require an effort that rises to the level of shampoo-switching. In fact, most of the things that alarm and inspire (these things almost always to together) fundamentalists require no real action at all. But they are a lot of fun to talk about. And it’s a great feeling to be informed while everyone else is walking around closing their eyes to a situation they do not wish to acknowledge.
Be instant in seasons and (mostly) out of season! Rail against movies nobody has ever heard of! Condemn government actions that may or may not actually have happened! And be quick to speak and slow to hear those who point you to the liberal bastion of misinformation and propaganda known as “Snopes.” Just wait, they’ll see you were right all along when they’re being hauled off to reeducation centers and made to use that devil shampoo.
Is there not a cause? Yes there is! There always is.