Fundy street preacher James Lyman gives some helpful advice to his critics: “shut up.”
You stay classy, James.
(for an example of James Lyman’s “methods” — which most appear to consist of screaming at people and calling them names — you can click here)
In many fundamentalist churches somewhere between “Good Morning Everybody!” and “Please Stand out of Respect For the Word of God” lies a phenomenon known as  the “Right-Hand of Christian Fellowship.”
Although it’s more common in the Bible Belt, it has been observed as far north as the frozen chosen of New England and out in the Midwest as well. The Bible Belt version involves more spit, slobber, and little old lady hugs. The Northern version involves more nodding and friendly grunting. But whatever the execution, the basic formula is the same…
The song leader intones “While the piano plays that last verse one more time, let’s all shake hands with our neighbor and greet our guests!”
Pandemonium ensues as people begin turning around and greeting people around them with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
Jonah The Eager Preacher Boy runs from his spot in the front pew up to the platform to be the first one to shake the pastor’s hand. The pastor sees it coming and braces for impact. Handshaking over, Jonah runs for the back to find the Youth Pastor and repeat.
Mr. Jackson The Hairy-Armed Mechanic who smells of equal parts motor oil and Old Spice tramps through the rows doling out painful squeezes and cheery hellos to all in his path. Knuckles can be heard cracking from afar.
Mrs. Â Sterlingson The Widow stuffs her slightly used handkerchief in her sleeve, Â sniffs with vigor and latches a moist hand on to any one who comes near. The wary and fleet of foot escape untouched. Others meet a less kind fate and glance about for the hand sanitizer.
The piano player finishes the verse and first time and knowingly keeps on playing without even looking at the music. Â She breathes a silent prayer of thanks for the chance to keep her hands germ free.
Somewhere in the third row a couple of teenage boys with sweaty palms take this one opportunity per week to briefly touch the hand of a real live girl. It’s awkward, nerve wracking, and joy unspeakable. Â The stuff of chaste daydreams and scribbled prayer journals.
“Lets all return to our seats and sing that chorus one more time” bawls the song leader over the din. The pianist hits the intro chords fortissimo and people get in their last words, smiles, and moments of avuncular fondling before jogging back to their places.
The Passing Of the…er…The Right-Hand of Christian Fellowship is complete for another week.
Please pass the wet wipes.
It would be hard to list everything on this site that’s noteworthy but here are a few highlights
– 135 pages of audio and video sermons
– The only archive I’ve ever seen of fundamentalist women preaching (to other women)
– a list of sites against “wordly music”
– a list of Satanic gang signs
– signs of the end time
– A list of search engines including those that only find fundamentalist sites. Jackpot!
…and oh, so much more!
In 1961, a fundamentalist named Bill Gothard founded the Institute in Basic Life Principles and later masterminded the Advanced Training Institute home study program. These programs have forever changed the lives of thousands of people. Some of them have since managed to piece back together some shreds of their sanity; many more have not.
Gothard is not only embraced by IFB types, he has more than his share of charismatic type followers as well, but there has been a significant part of fundyland that venerates him as a prophet — while some like David Cloud think he’s the devil. Such is the way of fundyland.
If you’ve ever been told that your children’s Cabbage Patch doll was causing them to suffer Satanic attack and mental illness (which may or may not really exist), you’ve probably met either Gothard or one of his followers. He also subscribes to many standard fundy themes such as rock music being able to damage your heart with its ‘unnatural rhythms.’
Having never been married or had children, Gothard is, of course, a self-proclaimed expert on both marriage and children — lots and lots of children. The Quiverfull movement finds strong support in Gothard circles with the celebrated Duggar family as its most visible followers. Bill’s teaching is that families should pop out as many children as physically possible without regard for health risks or economic improbability. However, it should be noted that according to Bachelor Bill sex itself should not be had during the wife’s menstrual cycle; seven days after the cycles; 40 days after the birth of a son; 80 days after the birth of a daughter; and the evening prior to worship1. Animal sacrifices after childbirth are evidently optional although one might imagine highly encouraged if coming in the form of fried chicken.
The key word to understanding Gothard is “Authority.” He has it. Your pastor has it. Your dad has it. You don’t. Sucks to be you. In the Gothard world Authority isn’t given in different spheres but is structured like military ranks. Therefore in an ideal home the dad will have the authority over his children (even if they’re 43), but the dad takes orders from the pastor who can by spirit-led fiat decide what’s best for you and yourn. It’s for your own good. No, really.
One can only imagine the years of deprogramming that it takes to free people from his teaching.
$3 bill picture found at midwestoutreach.org