Category Archives: Public Life

Public Life

Blaming The Victim

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Fundamentalists shine brightest when they are ministering to the pain of hurting people. For there is no greater moment than when a Christian with a heart full of love and compassion, gently leans over a wounded soul and informs them that everything that has happened to them is their own fault.

Indeed if that brazen hussy had not been wearing that provocative pair of jeans she would not have inspired men to lust and might not have been assaulted. (As a point of inquiry, if a man is sexually assaulted by another man can we also blame the victim’s provocative clothing or is that reserved only for women?) Every car crash, house fire, murder, or robbery that happens  outside the gates that protect the holy provides a perfect time to moralize about the sins that inspired the event.

Yes, victims of the world, what you all really need is light and salt — rubbed directly into your wounds. Think ye that these were sinners above all men that dwelt in Jerusalem? Yup. Pretty much.

Public Life

Illustration: The Songbird and the Crow

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In the battle of good over evil in men’s hearts and minds, fundamentalists believe that evil will triumph every single time it is encountered for more than a fleeting instant. Consider this story…

A man had two bird cages. In the one lived a melodious songbird. In the other an ugly, squawking (and notably black) crow. Influenced by some abominable whim this man decided to set the cages close to one another in order that the crow might learn to sing like the songbird. But alas after many weeks the man discovered to his consternation, horror and dismay that in fact the songbird was now squawking like the crow.

The moral of the story is that if you’re around evildoers, whore-mongers, and bearded men with wire rimmed glasses on a chain that you will inevitably grow to be like them instead of the other way around. Holiness is such a weak and wretched thing that it’s only defense is to hide itself in a hole until the end of the world and never see the light of day. Amen.

Public Life

Testimony

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To a fundamentalist a person’s “testimony” is a combination of their street cred, brownie points, and fashion sense with their Sunday School attendance record thrown in for good measure. For a fundy, it is the ultimate measure of how well a Christian is keeping up his outward appearance towards the world.

This is no mere desire for a good reputation, for ‘losing your testimony’ is tantamount to condemning people to eternal torment. Consider this story…

Hephzibah is a lovely fundamentalist girl who is as sweet and kind as the day is long. But while hanging out with some unsavory (read: non-fundamentalist) friends, she is encouraged to try taking a sip of an alcoholic beverage. Her bad friendships and unguarded heart lead her down the slippery slope of unrighteousness and she succumbs to this horrible sin. She drinks the tiniest mouthful of the potent brew and all hell breaks lose.

For in that very instant she loses her testimony in front of the lost. Now when she attempts to witness to them all they will see is the word “HYPOCRITE” hanging above her head in burning letters and they will point and laugh derisively and refuse to repent. Ten minutes later she and all of her friend die in a horrible bus crash and she’s left to spend eternity knowing that her friends are all in hell because she took that single drink.

Testimony can be lost for so many different things. A radio preset, a wayward glance, a lock of hair that dangles down upon an ear. Beware, the beady eyes of the world are always upon you and they are keeping score. Be ye therefore perfect.

(All that is unless, of course, you are a fundamentalist preacher who is lucky enough to be granted unquestioning forgiveness no matter what his indiscretion all while condemning those of others.)