Category Archives: People

Reasonable Rhetoricians

On this site we often focus on the preachers and teachers within fundamentalism who are shocking and perverse. The bullies, the screamers, the jokesters, the criminally insane, and so on. Truth be told, these are really not the most dangerous people within fundamentalism because although their presentations will gather a certain number of loyal followers they will inevitably turn most people off with their unusual antics.

In fact, the most dangerous of all fundies is the one who gains your trust with reasonable-sounding words and a smile. He is no less a fundamentalist than the crazy variety but he masks his rhetoric in pleasantries and humor. He speaks in soft tones and cajoles rather than confronts. Beware, a man can smile and smile and be a villain.

One such fundamentalist is defender of Creationism — and more recently convicted felon — Kent Hovind. He’s a man who (if you didn’t know anything else about him) you can listen to for a few minutes and instinctively feel you can trust. This just goes to show that your instincts should be locked away somewhere safe where they can’t hurt you.

Consider this video…

He sounds so reasonable and so easy to believe…right up to the second where he endorses a book full of distortions and half-truths by a woman from the lunatic fringe of fundamentalism that is anything but reasonable.

Some days I miss being that trusting.

Standards for Ministry Staff

Welcome to our ministry staff! We think you’ll find this a great place to work and won’t it just be lovely to work around Christians all day long instead of having to rub elbows with those worldly people and their terrible language and stories about drinking? Oh, by the way, staff devotions are at 7:00 sharp, be sure to bring your list of prayer requests!

Why here at Heartbeat Of America Baptist Bible School you’ll never have to worry about someone cursing in front of you or telling an off-color joke and you’ll know that everyone is doing their very best because not only is the boss watching but Jesus is too! The boss, however, will be the one writing people up for having verse screen savers in the wrong version. You’ll find that on page 107 of the staff handbook…

Oh, have you gotten a copy of the staff handbook? Yes, the size of it can be a little intimidating but it’s all really quite necessary. We don’t want people to have to go through the pain of deciding for what to do themselves so we try to include rules for every possible situation. This way you’ll never have to worry.

What’s that? Page 86? Ah, yes a lot of people ask about that one. Well, let’s just say that you happened to be home at night and there was a fire and you had to quickly run out of your house wearing a pair of pants. Some firefighter might see you and know you worked for us and everyone’s testimony would suffer. So it’s just better for all of us if you let us decide what you wear at home as well as work, don’t you think?

Oh, yes, page 87 is quite a popular one too. Now we’re not really saying that watching PG movies is wrong for everyone but we want the people in our ministry to be part of a HIGHER STANDARD. You know, after all, that being in a ministry makes you even more accountable to God than being a normal person. So we just put those rules in place make sure nobody every mistakes you for being normal.

Well, let me show you where you’ll be working. We do have to keep the air conditioning turned up to 93 in order to save on power bills, I’m sure you understand it’s all part of being a good steward. And you’ll want to make sure you ask your supervisor permission before going to the bathroom because we do try to make sure that everyone honors the Lord with their diligence. Starting tomorrow you’ll also need to bring in your own paper towels.

Welcome! We’re so glad that you’re here.

E-mail

It’s time again for….Emails From Fundies! I almost hesitate to post this one since it’s so blatantly attention-seeking but I haven’t posted anything else today so here goes…

Hello,

I am one of those ignorant Christians who you dedicated this website to. Thank you very much for mocking my Saviour Jesus Christ, my Bible, my beliefs, my denomination, my pastor, my church, my family, and for falsely accusing us, condemning us, and calling us all sorts of names on your blogs. I count it an honor that you have featured a website and ministry which I am personally involved in: kjvteens4christ.

Your website is very effective. An entire website dedicated to criticizing believers in Christ will be very lucrative for you in this world.

You have permission to use this email with whatever angst you have against believers such as myself. In fact, dedicate one of your t-shirts to me.

Sincerely,
Kirk Suchowesky

John 15:18-20

18 If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.

19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

20 Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also.

(AND, of course, you all know what version I quoted!)

For the record, this site is not lucrative at all. People like you are the reason I keep going anyway, Kirk.