Category Archives: education

Skipping Sex Ed.

censoredAs a rule, fundamentalists firmly believe that all sex education should happen at home between children and their parents. If the parents happen to be absent, immoral, or too timid to have ‘the talk’ then the fundy church provides them with a safe, caring environment where they can learn…pretty much nothing. Sorry, kids! Maybe someone on the Internet can help you out.

The Bob Jones high school biology text notwithstanding, education about matters reproductive in fundy schools often consists of thundering chapel messages about fleeing fornication. Even there, some kids who haven’t gotten the scoop on what “fornication” means may only know it happens at public schools and liberal churches and probably has something to do with breaking dress code and watching late-night television.

If you were old enough to vote before someone clued you in to where babies really come from…you might have been a fundamentalist.

Christian School

schoolEvery fundamentalist knows that all public schools are bastions of devil-worship and endless drug-fueled orgies. The public schools are obviously a mess because after prayer was removed from them by the Supreme Court, real Christians stopped going there. And in a feat of perfect circular logic it then follows that (unless they are protesting something) real Christians should stay far away from public schools since only infidels attend and teach there. This is know as being “in the world but not of it.”

To solve the problem of how to educate their children, fundamentalists in a church of any decent size will inevitably start a school. Often times these schools have neat rules that require the parents of students to be members of the church in order to keep the riff-raff out. Unfortunately, government regulation has stepped in here as well to prevent many of these schools from carrying out biblical corporal punishment on children for offenses such as not raising their hands before talking in class or wearing the wrong colored socks with their uniform. It is obviously the age of Laodicea when you can’t even whip a child at school anymore.

For the most part fundamentalist schools run just about like any other school with the exception of having a pledge to the Christian flag, having chapel services ever day, and having a curriculum from the greatest minds that non-accredited fundamentalist colleges have ever produced. This curriculum is in turn taught by top-flight teachers who earn less than the pay at a good fast-food job.

Never fear, these schools are sure to give students have all the tools they need for a successful career at the basement bible college of their choosing. ab ove maiori discit arare minor

Preaching Contests

scorecardsEven though the school year is still early in the Fall semester, things are already heating up in the annual Ebenezer Baptist College  sermon contest with preacher boys looking forward to smiting their opponents on the church platform.

This year sees two formidable contenders emerging from the field of expository behemoths: Reginald “Reggie” McDonald, a pastoral ministries senior from Wichita, Kansas and Zedekiah Hosea Buckwalter, a missions major from Flint, Michigan. With such a strong matchup there’s likely to be more than a little blood, sweat, and tears shed on the oak wood of the  sacred desk.

“It’s all about crafting the perfect words,” said Buckwalter in a recent interview with Preacher Boy Monthly. “I’ve been working on my delivery ever since my freshman speech devotional and it’s almost perfect now.”

But Reggie disagrees about the method. “It’s not about delivery, it’s simply a matter of how much of the Holy Spirit you have,” argued McDonald. “Other than maybe the pastor himself, nobody on campus has as much of the Holy Spirit as I do. That’s just a fact.”

Neither contender would reveal the content of their sermon, although historically sermons on sin have always been favored in the contest. “A little lust goes a long way in a sermon,” explained a Bible faculty member who asked to stay anonymous, “Preaching on sin takes less preparation overall and as long as you stay on familiar topics like adultery, alcohol, and abortion, it’s easy to get the audience responding to you too. It also gives the preacher a chance to yell. Volume is always good for a few easy points.”

As always, scouts from major Baptist churches around the country have been  attending the semi-final “preach-offs” to recruit fresh talent. First round draft picks are often immediately placed as head pastor of a mid-sized congregation, while later picks are inevitably forced to start as volunteer assistant youth ministers and part-time Christian school gym teachers.

Thanks to Bill for this reminder of a piece that I wrote some time ago.

Occassionally Chuckling At Themselves


My hat is off to the good folks at Maranatha Baptist Bible College who evidently have the gift of being able to poke a little fun at themselves.

Check out their listing for a Masters In Bus Ministry with courses like:

BM 103: The Bus Ministry and Homeland Security
BM 210: Corn Crossbreeding and Home Ethanol Distillation
BM 302: Negotiation Skills and Pre-Adolescent Biting
BM 305: Petroleum Industry Futures Trading
BM 306: Long Bus Routes and The Exodus: Reformed Theology Examined
BM 409: Assigned Seats?: Calvinistic Thought and the Bus Ministry

(thanks to melissa for the link)