Books Self-Published Books Redux February 21, 2014 Darrell 279 Comments This is Gerald This is Gerald’s Church This is Gerald’s self-published book that Gerald’s church printed This is some of the stuff that Gerald’s book says.
279 thoughts on “Self-Published Books Redux”
Am I first? Am I really first today?
No. I am first.
See below, about 20 comments.
For the first time–FIRST!
What a wacko.
I guess Dutch and I will have to armwrestle for the honor of being first, today.
LOL. It’s cool bro. I’ll give you my butt cushion and concede first place to you today.
Poor man. Unable to speak English; unable to read or reason and trapped in a fantasy world.
Only that his fantasy world doesn’t have cool adventures and japanese bug man superheroes that fight rubber suited monsters.
Well, it does have the Devil peeking around very corner.
And then shaking his horned head and sighing, “It isn’t worth it; these guys don’t really need me at all to screw up their lives.” :/
You know, if he tries yet fails to speak proper English, he is not trying in the Spirit of God. He is trying in his flesh and therefore failing. He must have forgotten that verse about being able to do all things through Christ. Or maybe he decided the verse means something else. He is not spiritual enough.
Also, if there have always been Baptists, what did they use for a Bible before 1611?
Reading that stuff made my head hurt and my stomach ache. I think I will heed Paul’s advice to Timothy and have some wine. Or does that verse not mean wine? I hope it does mean wine because I don’t like Welch’s.
It’s Friday Semp. I recommend a gin & tonic.
Dang, so close. Fourth, just
missed the podium.
He makes his wife call him “pastor”? Well, that’s romantic.
I would tell you what my wife calls me, except that this is a family blog.
Please spare us!
Hey, even the Pope doesn’t make his wife call him “pastor”! 😛
No, were he married, she’d call him “Papa!”
Sorry, PW, your post was an inspiration.
To the tune of the theme song from “Flipper”
She calls Me Pastor! Master! Lord of the household!
My wife you see, is subject to Me!
And as a Pastor, just in case you might wonder,
My flock is under, all under Me!
My sheep obey the King, yes, that’s Me!
I will not stand for dis-loy-al-ty!
Preaching I’ll do when people will hear!
And how I fill them with Fear!
She calls Me Pastor! Master…
Well done! (though also horrifying!)
Thanks, and I used your initials even though I knew I was responding to the artist formerly known as Persnickety Polecat.
And horrifying– oh yeah!
Sometimes things get a little garbled in my brain: (
*in the event that you wonder*
“his much use of colloquialisms” Is that English?
And the box quote says God uses imperfect leaders to guide imperfect people…and then he goes on to say that you don’t need to correct a preacher or have the authority to correct a preacher. God will do that. But in our imperfection, can we not hear God correctly?
And his wife does not call him Gerald. This man had a lot of authority issues. He is obviously insecure and needs to put walls up so no one questions him or criticizes him. And he rightfully puts the walls up because I am pretty sure he is the emperor with no clothes on–his authority and identity is a myth he has created.
He’s Pastor Cartman. We all need to respect his authoritah!
Bravo! Love it.
I went to a Christian High School for my Freshman and Sophomore years. I endured some of the worst bullying in my life there. I also found out YEARS later that there was sex, drugs and rock n’ roll occurring right under the Preacher’s nose. IN FACT it was his son that was responsible for most of it. And not boy/girl sex either. Once it came to light, the family was suddenly “called” to a new church in Pensacola, FL. Then when it all happened AGAIN they were called to a new church in South Carolina. This time the boy was all grown up, and the boys he was playing with didn’t like it too much and now they are embroiled in a HUGE legal mess. So this guy might want to sniff around a little more before he claims there is “none of that here.”
Same @ my Xtian school. Drugs, sex, smoking, and most definitely rock ‘n’ roll! (Actually more like metal & old-school rap back when it was new, but it’s all the same to Fundy pastors.)
“You don’t need to worry about correcting the preacher, he works for God. ”
Assuming you do not and cannot.
You know…folks give us Kat-o-Licks such grief over that papacy thing. But we would never in a kajillion years make such absolutist claims about the pope as this guy makes about himself as pastor of one puny little church.
In the 14th century, Saint Catherine of Siena read the riot act to Pope Gregory XI, who had abandoned Rome for Avignon. In one letter she wrote: “No longer resist the will of God, for the starving sheep wait for you to return to the see of St. Peter.”
AFAIK she was not censured for her boldness. In fact, the pope heeded her pleas and returned to Rome, although he died soon afterward. About 80 years after her death in 1380, she was canonized, and in 1970 she was declared a Doctor of the Church.
So, not only is it OK to criticize the pope (as Paul criticized Peter). It is OK even if you are a (gasp!) woman.
Makes me think of those Bereans. Checked the Scripture is see if the MOG was teaching the truth. And was called *gasp* ‘more noble’ for it. Not IFB for sure.
So who breaks the news to him that Charles Spurgeon was a Calvinist?
…and liked his tobackee
The website is even more disturbing. http://www.churchinthebarn.com/Main.aspx
Statement of faith: “Jesus founded a baptist church”
Cuz yeah. That’s historically correct and super important to include…
Very disturbing, indeed.
The photo on the website is fuzzy, but does he actually have cows and a tractor outside his church? There’s a silo attached to the main building, it seems.
The newsletters are entertaining, but they get pretty repetitive.
They are all laid out the same way. The first article, by the Grand Poobah Himself, seems to always have a scolding, barking tone. In one of them, He gives us His idea of what preaching is supposed to be:
“Shelling the corn, peeling the bark, shearing the sheep, barn-stomping, hell-fire and brimstone preaching may be just ranting and raving to a backslider or a lost person, but to those that are saved and growing it is Spiritual food for developing Spiritual muscle.”
So, He believes in the ordinary Screamo style of fundy oratory. No surprise there.
There are some recipies by the ladies. A few “funnies.” Occassional swipes at Obama/Democrats. Some NRA propaganda. A regular feature article from Dr. Jack Hyles. Boasting about how many souls have been saved and baptized. A few articles by fundy luminaries, over half of the ones I glanced at had to do with KJV superiority over the translations of the “rank infidels.”
All in all, not a bad representation of fundy newslettering.
Wait a minute!!! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. They built their church to resemble a barn ON PURPOSE!?!?! What is wrong with these people!?!
“Bringing in the sheaves,
Bringing in the sheaves;
We shall come rejoicing,
Bringing in the sheaves!”
If the barn needs painting, paint it!
I’m interested in the part where he talks about his kids. Son #1 is choir director. Son #2 is in college studying ministry. Daughter “Jess, scared me to death.” End of conversation. hmmmmm.
**Correction “who has me scared to death”. Present tense.
Oh, let me guess. Because all he thinks about when he thinks of her is when and with whom she is going to have sex.
Oh my word… look at this page of “fellow laborers”
Includes most of the all time best fundy abusers, enablers & abuse coverers.
Wow, I share the same area code with this guy. That’s to close for my comfort,
That URL is really churchinthebarn.com … wow… I needs must not go further.
I had a friend who went to an Acts 29 church in Alabama. At one time the church’s url was churchinabrewery.com, but I Googled it and it looks like they changed it.
This can’t be real. Please tell me this website is fake.
The thing I want to know is: Is that hair piece real?????
I doubt it.
The late Ernest Angley, who had a church in that area, had an even worse toupee. He specialized in “healing ministry” and had a TV program. He also had a private jet.
That’s not a hairpiece. A possum done died on top his head and he forgot to scrape it off.
What CGC said!
“Nowhere in the Bible does a church member have permission to correct God’s man.” Okey dokey. If I ever come across a “God’s man,” I’ll bear that in mind.
Oh, and I don’t permit my wife to call me by my first name either. She is a good little submissive wife, knows how to exhibit godly “offishness.” She calls me Lord of the Universe.
Even after you put your dice and books away?
Sure. Her “Life Verse” is 1 Pet. 3:5-6.
Seriously, I think her most used term of endearment for me is “dork,” as in “You’re such a dork.” It’s cute when she says it, with all that eyerolling.
LOLOLOL. Actually, the first thing I thought about reading this post was something like “D&D for real life??!??”
his wife might not be so offish if he’d scrape the congealed dead things off his tooth.
Ooowee, green teeth scuzz would put anyone off!
Seriously, there is something kooky about a man who appreciates the fact that his wife calls him by his title rather than his name. Unless there is role-play involved. But even then, if you are role-playing with Pastor, there is still quite a bit of kookiness going on there. “Oh, Pastor, I love it when your diction is firm and straight, plunging deep into my innermost parts . . .”
nico, I respect the fact that you, like me, can always find a way to introduce double entendre. Well done.
Hookay, I’ll just pray that God will correct His “man” Himself. “God’s Man”, are you particularly looking forward to that?
Doctor Imperial Pastor Gerald B Collingsworth IV the Spectacular ain’t worried none. Even God calls Him Pastor.
Am I allowed to join in typing “first” into this thread?
Sure, but keep Matthew 20:16 in mind.
Proof you don’t have to be able to spell, pronounce, or be able to define narcissist to be one.
I sometimes address my pastor by just his first name, but then I already knew I was a worthless, fake-Bible reading heathen.
I find it interesting that so many IFB preach/teach against Catholics use of ‘Father”, or other denominations use of “Reverend”, then insist on being addresses by a title themselves to remind people of the higher plain they are on. Most of the priests or other non-IFB pastors I have been around were quite nice and humble, in spite their titles. I usually address them by a title when I first meet them, because I do believe showing respect is right, and usually get told to call them by their name.
Yep. The best, most humble, and some of the most effective ministers I’ve ever known have all gone by their first names. Even at least one with a PhD. Strange how that works.
Yep. Of course my fundy pastor/ principal shared a name with a certain outlaw rock singer, so I imagine that wasn’t the best image to put out there. I shoulda just called him Bocephus.
Actually, now that I think of it, I also had a pastor named Bobby Brown.
Since he’s up front about his poor grammar, it wouldn’t be fair to make fun of him for it. Seriously – in all sincerity. God can use hillbilly preachers, too.
But does that mean his font choices are off-limits for mockery, too?
(actually, if he’d stuck to something closer to what he used for Help I’ve Fallen on the book cover, he’d be fine.)
You know, it may not be his fault that he has poor grammar. But he has poor grammar and he’s published a book. It’s self-published, so I doubt a professional editor has gone through it.
If he’s going to try and make money writing books, and he knows language is his weakness, then he has a responsibility to employ a good editor.
But a good editor would make a lot of corrections–yet correcting a MAN OF GOD is a big no-no. As Bro. Gerald might say, “Now woowee, lookee here. I’m up shit crick without a paddle!”
Thanks for bringing that up. I’ve seen mimeographed punk fanzines with a more judicious use of fonts.
So his wife really calls him “Pastor?” All the time?
Maybe it’s a good thing Catholic priests aren’t allowed to marry. That’d just be creepy.
Maybe she calls him “Doctor”. Which opens a line of thought I should have left alone……………….
Maybe he hasn’t told her his real first name.
You can’t be too careful, you know.
Interesting that he mentions Paul. Where in the Bible did Paul ever require anyone to call him Pastor “Paul’s Last Name”??? As I recall (but I am a backslidden pagan, a/k/a a Methodist, so take my Bible knowledge with a grain of salt), Paul rebuked people for saying “I am of Paul” because he didn’t want them to say that. He didn’t rebuke them for saying “‘I am of Paul” instead of “I am of Pastor ‘Paul’s Last Name.'”
C’mon, surely Paul must have insisted that everyone call him Dr. von Tarsus.
I have to ask. Has anyone other than fundamentalists even used the terms “necking” and “petting” in the past few decades? Stuff featured on SFL seems to be the only place outside of older books where I’ve seen them used…
“Please wash hands upon exiting the petting zoo.”
Only example I can think of.
My burning question is, can I wear shorts and long hair in the Fundamental Treasures bookstore, as long as I stay out of the Heritage Baptist Academy?
Actually my hair isn’t really long, but PASTOR Fundy might judge it so. Do sideburns count as long hair these days?
Yes. Unless you’re an Elvis impersonator.
Especially about the 1:50ish mark. This is from what may be the best Veggie Tale yet.
Wow. I hadn’t seen that. Every time you think Veggie Tales has completely lost its way, they go and do something epic like this!
Also: “Elvis is Santa Clause’s helper.” -Honey Boo Boo.
An elf-impersonating Elvis impersonator! Gotta love it.
I highly recommend Veggie Tales “Lord of the Beans”., by the way.
My haircut likely is acceptable. Does that give a pass to my sideburns, and a mustache that ends below my chin?
“You don’t need to worry about correcting the preacher, because he works for God.”
Show me your badge, please.
I just BET she tries to create a little offishness in their relationship.
I just wonder how well that is working out for them?
I know many immigrants who have mastered the English language, some who can speak English with an American accent.
While there is nothing wrong with having an accent, using slang or informal English at times, learning proper grammar is important. The IFB has a long history of being anti-intellectual. “Doctor” Collingsworth is pandering to his base.
He’s also just making excuses for being lazy.
That was my thought, too. You learn grammar in grade school. (Or, at least, you did back when I was a kid.) If grade-school kids can learn it, a grown man with an alleged doctorate can, too.
Reminds me of my great uncle who went to his grave claiming that he had a “disease” that caused him to spell words the way they sounded rather than how they were supposed to be spelled.
That’s a very common disease. It may have some fancy Latin name, but it’s better known as ignorance.
Gehss Huked On Fonix must hav wurked two well on yur unkle. 😀
My wife had a frenemy in grade school whose nickname was “hooked-on-phonics” because she didn’t learn to read until sixth grade. (She wasn’t stupid – just lazy.)
Matchbox 20, “Disease”
It seems to me some people really just don’t care, either about spelling/grammar, or about how uneducated their writing sounds. And it’s even more important today than in the past, first, because more people can read, and second, because of our shrinking world. Slang, misspellings, and poor grammar utterly frustrate even the best translation software.
But some people just have too much else in their well-educated brains to fit in spelling – there is a certain talent to being able to spell even rarer words correctly, and some people really don’t have it, although they’re generally not too bad with most ordinary words. My missionary great-uncle (reasonably educated) is known for being able to misspell fluently in 3 languages 🙂
“The IFB has a long history of being anti-intellectual.”
More accurately, the IFB has a long history of having no intellect.
As I was glancing through the articles, especially on his brand of leadership, I was thinking that it sounds as if he learned this stuff from Jack Hyles — and then, lo! Found out that he worships Jack Hyles.
Explains a lot.
“Working for God” is not at all the same thing as Being On a Mission From God. He doesn’t even have the necessary Black Sunglasses, if you knowwhaddimean.
Obligatory +1 for BB reference.
– Acts 4:13a qualified
One has to wonder if he is “ignorant and unlearned” by birth or is he a self made aw shucks icon?
Obviously he’s not ignorant of his shtick and he uses it very effectively. Gathering his flock, who see him as one-of-us, he shows them that he is in charge, and not to be questioned.
NO, this is the recipe for a cult. In the pages referenced it is more about the “man of god” then it is about God.
I pity the congregants
I loathe the papal yokel in the pulpit.
This is the stuff that turns my stomach and gives me empathy for atheists. This is not the Gospel. This is not a reflection of Christ.
This is about a man and his ministry… and if you want to be right with his god then you had better do as he says.
God have mercy on us. Deliver us from ones such as this. :*(
He’s found his shyster role-models (Hyles, Gray), and is emulating them to the best of his meager abilities. It would turn my stomach too, if I didn’t pity him and his followers so.
To digress, and this may have come up, I don’t know….
I really miss the latest comments menu that was on the top of the page before the change. The new format is pretty, I guess, but I sure miss being able to see latest posts without reading them all again.
I agree with you.
Yes, I miss that feature, too.
Darrell’s working on it.
I have been reading the Right Reverend Doctor Gerald Collingsworth IV Esquire’s articles on his church website. I read his article on legalism twice and I am still not sure what his point is.
It seems he is saying “never correct me because I am never wrong”. That attitude is dangerous.
I had a former pastor who used to say from the pulpit, “I’m right. I’m always right. And if I ever find out I’m wrong, I’ll change my mind and then I’ll be right.” That always got alot of laughs from people, myself included. But then I found out that he was serious.
As Shakespeare said (I think he said) “A skunk by any other name would smell as sweet”. I doesn’t call him Gerald. I calls him Jerry, or I calls him Jer Bear, or I calls him…
Did anyone else think of Raymond J Johnson, Jr?
This is just too much for me. Thankfully, the crazy I grew up with wasn’t quite as crazy as this. Dr. Charles Spurgeon!?!?! What in the world…
I wondered about that! Spurgeon wasn’t a doctor (of any stripe), was he?
Why is it that churches like this always have “bus ministries?” Another generation of Hyles-styled cult indoctrination. Sad.
On another note… Darrell’s arrangement of this post… “this is Gerald” reminds me of the classic children’s book that begins, “this is Dick.” Dick is pretty appropriate in this case.
Ooops… guess I just showed I’m “backslidden!”
Actually, my first thoughts were more along the lines of “I Am Sam. (pause) Sam I Am! (pause) Do You Like Green Eggs & Ham?”
Am I the only one that thinks he bears a striking resemblance to Stanley Tucci?
“You don’t need to worry about correcting the preacher, because he works for God. God will knock the socks off of the preacher when he deserves it.”
Well, that explains Gerald B. Collingsworth’s latest book:
Ha! Special guest speaker at this church in a few weeks is none other than “Dr” Bob Gray Sr!!
I am PASTOR; a level 34 MOG of the human race; clerical class, or course; -2 initiative modifier (especially when it comes to learning English), +3 speed, +10 attack and damage modifiers, +infinity armor class (thanks to my Whole Armor of God artifact, binds on equip), 1 hit point (so no throwing stones at God’s Man!); and yes, I am aligned chaotic evil if you have to ask.
I don’t think they’re chaotic evil… lawful evil or neutral evil. They rely on rules and systems to do their dirty work.
Touche. Unfortunately, there is no “ignorant evil” alignment…yet.
First I can’t help but notice they have Hyles, Gray, Lacy, la-dee-dah, men’s names but no Jesus. Typical.
Wow, that book though. I am amazed at the lack of intelligence that was expressed in so, so many words… Seriously? Was not David corrected by Nathan? A so-called “man after god’s own heart” or something or another and we should not correct a man because he calls himself pastor.
Also, the second box quote. He quotes something that he thinks–“I consider Jack Hyles my friend. If you criticize him, you criticize me.” It wasn’t solid fact he had just proven, rather a subpoint that no one cares about.
Does anyone else question if ol’ Jacky even knows who this guy is? Also, his church is in OH. How and why does he have a Southern accent? Maybe its a show?? When I visit my family up there, I’ll have to check this out… [evil face]
Or Peter corrected by Paul…
The line that keeps getting to me is “They may not have liked me as a person, but they should have respected my position as the person that is to tell them, ‘Thus saith the Lord.'”
“Pastor” might be too modest a title for his ego.
How about Exalted Grand Professional Pastoral Clergyman, Sir”
Or, as they call him down at the Klub, “Exalted Cyclops.”
How about all titles wrapped up in one, like with Poohbah?
“Lord High Everything Else”?
he has a BS from Hyles-Anderson plus a masters from Crown and a doctorate from Berean Baptist. He’s quite the educated man.
And we know how much Berean’s “doctorates” are worth…..
well, sometimes that little paper roll does run out at a most inopportune moment…
ok I looked at Berean Baptist College’s website. They only offer 2 masters programs but no doctorate.
Reminded me of the famous lines from “Top Gun”:
Slider: Goose, whose butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
Goose: The list is long, but distinguished.
Slider: Yeah, well so is my Johnson.
I don’t really care where his BS comes from, but he certainly has a lot of it.
What an amazing case study of an inferiority complex!!
I know, I know, it’s sooo much better than mine. 🙁 😛 8-l
What is he looking at?
I’m glad they keep offishness in their marriage – that’s so Song of Solomon!
What’s up with fundies and “knock socks off” – heard that a lot lately.
No necking and petting – good to know those are the only restrictions – kissing and grinding ok then
Mwahahahaha! Lol at the thought of the kissing and grinding.
His wife has “offishness” in their relationship because he’s her pastor?
I bet that’s what she’s dreamed of ever since she was a little girl. A demeaning husband who publishes and celebrates her lowly status.
And for him, what a lonely life to live. I am a pastor, and I can’t imagine living such an isolated life. Such an empty life where true intimacy is not even an option with my wife because I’m too busy being her “pastor.” Such a lonely life where I have zero friends because I’m too busy establishing my authority over them.
This guy is truly missing out on the enormous blessing of servant leadership.
I wonder if he refers to his sermons as “barn burners?”
Hyuck hyuck hyuck.
Who’s the “church member” and who’s the “Man of God™” in the story of Paul vs. Barnabas? In the end I would say Barnabas was vindicated, but I doubt if the author considers Paul a church member.
Oh boy. I knew this guy’s son. Any description I have of him will not be flattering, I’ll just leave it at that.
“Maranatha Baptist has established doctrines: salvation by grace and the KJB are two of them. These are also Baptist doctrines.”
Sorry sir, KJVO is NOT a Baptist doctrine.
His wife probably calls him Jerry.
After the section of “church members never criticizing pastors,” he uses as a reference Acts, where Paul and Barnabas disagree. 1) Barnabas was NOT a church member, and 2) Paul did the same thing to Peter later on, and that was A-OK. I can’t think of any New Testament passages where pastors can’t be criticized.
I threw up in my mouth a little at Jack Hyles. Then giggled at the “HAC teaching what Harvard used to teach.” For all it’s liberalism, I daresay their grads could run in circles around HAC grads. Harvard makes no profession of being a religious school anymore, unless I am very mistaken.
I also sense a bit of disgruntlement with his passage on people coming to hear Hyles who wouldn’t hear him. He’s just not popular enough I guess.
And again, with Spurgeon! All these relatively modern preachers, and then Spurgeon. I think they like him just because he had a big church.
Harvard used to be (or was founded as) a school to train clergymen (“preachers”); that’s probably what he means.
Maranatha Baptist has established doctrines: salvation by grace and the KJB are two of them.
At our church, we teach salvation by grace alone and not by the KJB as well 🙂
I scrolled through the comments to see if anyone else noticed the statement about salvation being by grace and the KJB. I read it and thought: What’s the other doctrine?
That reminds of that Fletch movie where the doctors all address each other “Doctor! Doctor. Doctor. Doctor! Doctor.”
Who needs an emphasis on sports, anyways?
Spies like us.
Some call him Gerald. I call him Ishmael; a wild ass of a man.
Seriously though, this book should just be titled, “Incoherent and Random Rants and Ramblings of a Fearful Small Man” or “Some Stuff I am Always Angry About.”
How about, “Don’t call me Gerald. I have an unaccredited PhD.”
How come they haven’t given Mrs. Francie Taylor one of those doctorates like all the others on their front page?
Is it because she is black? Or because she is a woman?
Or because she is a black woman?
Re: HAC being the new Harvard. I have just had enough of these Christian colleges with their massive inferiority complexes calling themselves the new Harvard. HAC does it, BJU does it, Patrick Henry College, where I studied briefly, has a book about itself called “God’s Harvard.”
Harvard was not the “original Bible college” that all the IFB historical revisionists make it out to be. It was then much as it is today: a place to train leaders. It just happens that leadership in the church was one thing that Harvard focused on in its early years. In fact, it still does, through its extremely prestigious divinity school. It’s just not as much of a focus as it once was, as various other programs and academic disciplines have cropped up and taken precedence. One might also note that these fundy preachers would not have been comfortable with the Christianity of early Harvard anyway. (Not that it would have mattered much since they wouldn’t have gotten in anyway.)
Anyway, I don’t understand why they aspire to be “like the world” in this area. If Bible colleges are so uh-mazing, why wouldn’t they want to be completely different from “godless bastions of liberalism” like Harvard rather than aspiring to be just like them?
I agree. They should be “Most Unusual”. Maybe even brag about being the “World’s Most Unusual.