Submitted by Uncle Wilver
1 Pastor, the ordained one, made an image of Mog, whose height was about four cubits, and the breadth of about one cubit and one half. And he set it up upon the old fashioned altar.
2 Then Pastor, the ordained one, sent to gather together the deacons, the trustees, and the soul-winners, the judges of others, the treasurers, the counselors, the young preacher boys, (but never the Elders), to come to the dedication of the image which Pastor, the ordained one, had set up.
3 Then the deacons, the trustees, and the soul-winners, the judges of others, the treasurers, the counselors, the young preacher boys, (but never the Elders), were gathered together unto the dedication of the image that Pastor, the ordained one, had set up; and they stood before the image that Pastor, the ordained one, had set up.
4 Then an herald cried aloud, To you it is commanded, O congregants, U.S citizens, and Proper English speakers,
5 That at what time ye hear the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image that Pastor, the ordained one, hath set up upon the old fashioned altar:
6 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast from the church, doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
7 Therefore at that time, when all the people heard the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, all the people, the nations, and the languages, fell down and worshipped the image that Pastor, the ordained one, had set up.
8 Wherefore at that time certain Old Gossips Prayer Requestants came near and accused the Liberated Studiers.
9 They spake and said to the Pastor, O Pastor, preach forever.
10 Thou, O Pastor, hast made a decree, that every man that shall hear the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, shall fall down and worship the image:
11 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth, that he should be doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
12 There are certain Liberated Studiers whom thou hast set over certain Sunday School classes; these men, O Pastor, have not regarded thee: they serve not thy KJV, nor worship the image which thou hast set up.
13 Then Pastor, in his rage and fury, commanded to bring the Liberated Studiers. Then they brought these men before the pastor.
14 Pastor spake and said unto them, Is it true, O Liberated Studiers, do not ye serve my KJV, nor worship the image which I have set up?
15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be doomed the same hour to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?
16 Then the Liberated Studiers, answered and said to the pastor, O Pastor, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.
17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from being doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV , and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O Pastor.
18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O Pastor, that we will not serve thy KJV, nor worship the image which thou hast set up.
19 Then was Pastor full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against the Liberated Studiers: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should endure seven times more counsel.
20 And he commanded the most mighty minions stalwart deacons to bind the Liberated Studiers, and to doom them to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
21 Then these men were bound in their three piece suits, their neckties, and their hats, and their other garments, and were doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
Where they lived happily ever after in Grace.
64 thoughts on “The Mog (Adapted from Daniel 3)”
and I even read the whole thing first. I don’t remember the happily ever after in Daniel. 😆 Nice work Uncle Wilver. Now we need an adaptation of Daniel 4.
You forgot the cello! 👿
but Old King Nebie repented of his sin. 😕
I can always hope it is possible for a MOG to repent.
Nice touch in vs. 2 to include “judges of others” but never elders!
The stories in the prophets and Fundyland are amazingly simular.
Thanks UW and Darrell.
Any stories involving despotic leaders and totalitarianism are amazingly similar to Fundyland.
I’ve read a lot of funny and scathingly brilliant things on this site.
This is one of the best. Well done.
So sad, so true, so accurate, but yet, so funny.
RE: the hovertext, my old church had people pray at the first row of pews which were always unoccupied. I am glad they did that. Almost every single church I have been to otherwise, people kneel on the steps to the platform. I thought that was weird the first time I visited another church.
“Oh pastor, preach forever.”
Yes, that was the best line in the excellent re-working for me too!
How about this?
They spake and said to the Pastor,
We love you Preacher,
O yes we do!
We don’t love anyone
Like we love you!
When you’re not with us, we’re blue!
Oh Preacher, we love you!
…and then continue on to v10
I believe I heard something strangely similar once at a youth activity of the church that ran Fundy High.
A memory I had suppressed for many years.
Hebrews 13:7, 17: Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation…Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.
Good pastors EARN this through their compassion, love, purity, and good conversation (I Timothy 4:12) among the flock. They do not FORCE respect (which is impossible), but earn it; they do not act like Lord’s over God’s heritage, but like stewards of their Master’s flock (I Peter 5:3). Sadly, we see much of the idolatry as mentioned in the article today, but there are some good IFB pastors out there that love their flock and deserve to be respected by them!
I agree – and this site exists not because of them, but because of pastors who abuse. By the same token, the pastors this site takes to task are the abusive, the legalistic, and the corrupt.
Loofing to Jesus,
While I think your comments are good, I disagree with the underlying premise: namely that pastors have rule (authority) over the church. “Pastoral Rule” is the basis for fundy church organization, but it runs contrary to the scriptitures. Paul clearly teaches that the church is to be ruled by a pluraity of Elders, not a pastor. Fundies twist the plain teachings of Paul to make the pastor an Elder and Bishop.
Regardless of the correctness of church polity, your comments about good pastors earning the respect of the church are spot-on.
George, it is Looking to Jesus, not Loofing to Jesus.
Thanks Bro.B for that clarification.
What a drastic reformation would take place in Fundydom, if plurality of Elders was correctly understood and practiced! But that is too radical for Fundy preachers, like practicing correct biblical church discipline! The Fundy-MOG wouldn’t be able to stand-in for the Holy Spirit and promote “The Pastor is MY Shepherd” mind-set, thus having to be accountable! THAT would be TOTALLY unacceptable!!!
Loofing to Jesus. The act of waving ones loofa before the Lord. See wave offering.
I appreciate your comment, but would enjoy some Scripture and explanation regarding the view on plurality of elders. Having two offices: pastor and deacon IS how I was taught, but I’d be open to consider any clear scriptures that point to a plurality of elders for one local assembly. I’ve recently read the Pauline epistles for clarification on this and understood it to be the exact opposite way (one pastor/bishop/elder per church). Just curious; not looking for a debate or anything.
Looking to Jesus,
No problem. I will try to keep this as brief as possible so as to not write a Blutonian Epistle:
1. The word “pastor” is only found once in the scriptures (Ephesians 4:11) and is used in the context of being a teacher. The next verse (v 12) gives the duties of the pastor…and ruling is not one of them.
2. 1 Timothy 5:17 clearly shows that elders rule the church.
3. How do MOGs explain this? They manipulate the scriptures to say that a pastor is a singlular elder. But they cannot explain away the plural…so they ignore it.
Question: Paul uses the term “pastor” in Ephesians…why did he not call Timothy one (he calls him an elder)? Because he was writing one of the leaders (plural) of the church.
I hope this helps.
At the same time, the epistles to the seven churches are written to ‘”the messenger” (singular) of the church’ – it seems likely that this is referring to the pastor, or elder, or bishop.
There seem to be very few passages that clearly state one way or another whether a church should have a single leader, who takes the oversight (I Pet 5) or a plural elders (a kind of committee rule?)
If a church has a senior pastor, with pastoral staff, is that not a plurality of “elders”? Granted, many IFB churches are organized like a business with the pastor as the near-infallible CEO.
I need to look up I Tim 5:17
@ Looking to Jesus & GR….There’s an excellent post titled; The Pattern of Plural Eldership in Scripture, August 15, 2011, @ reformingbaptist.blogspot.com
Give loads of scripture, worth looking at!
Thanks! I’ll have to take another look at it and the website too.
I, too, echo the thanks and will take a look at the blog.
However, we should also note that a plurality of elders IN NO WAY guarantees that abuse will not take place. Its just easier when it is one guy.
I always thought is was strange that the mog required people to “walk the isle” in order to be right with God. I once asked our mog, why do I need to kneel at the alter when I can ask forgiveness and be right with God in my heart right where I am in the pew? He said it was to show to God that you are not ashamed. That answer never felt right to me. The more I think about it, it was more to worship him and not God. Glad I am out of that world called fundystan…
It is more so that they can get a count of those coming to the altar to help with the bragging contests with other preachers.
Oh yes! Flashbacks of stroking the ego of the mog in the name of ‘faith’ and ‘getting right with god’. I need a shower now.
I actually see a lot of tradition in that, too.
I agree. When I used to do altar calls, I would always feel discouraged if no one came down the aisle, like I failed God or something. On the flip side, when people came down I would feel encouraged but it was more pride-driven than anything (like, “Look what I did.” or “Look at the difference I made.”). Over time I’ve learned that I am just the messenger; any decisions that are made by the hearers are up to them and any application of God’s Word is their responsibility before the Lord. It is simply my job to study, be filled with the Spirit, and preach the Word to a verdict (giving clear exposition and application). Anything else is between the hearer and the Lord. That way, God gets the glory for any good that comes out of obeying His Word!
Well said… it’s human nature to want to measure ourselves, and many a pastor has fallen into the trap of measuring success by the people that have come forward during an invitation. As you so rightly point out, the preacher’s job is to tell the truth about what the Scripture says and leave the results in God’s hands.
I would point out that the same holds true for being a witness for Christ; in so many IFB churches, “soul-winning” is about getting a notch on one’s belt; getting the person to say a prayer, NOT about telling what the Bible says. That’s why a lot of IFB churches focus on the poorer sections of town; it’s easier to manipulate such people into saying prayers. A former church would avoid the “good” sections of town, saying that these people were “hard” to win. They couldn’t win the contents and get recognition if they had to actually be able to defend the truth.
And it’s easier to manipulate “such people” into saying the prayer because they’re dead broke much of the time, so if you offer them a hot meal, or a free afternoon of entertainment for their desperately bored kids, they’ll jump at it.
No fundamentalist church I ever heard of has made any effort whatsoever to address why there are thousands of working poor and chronically under- or unemployed living cheek by jowl in neighborhoods with no parks to speak of and no place to get decent food at a decent price. Social justice is worldly.
I believe the MOG has people walk the aisle and flee the youthful lusts of the isle. 🙂
The ending is absolutely beautiful! And so true.
Living in grace. What a beautiful ending.
I loved the “doomed to yet seven times more counsel”. The whole thing is great, though!
Upon reflection, the “Liberated Studiers” really needs to be “Studiers For Liberty” (SFL)
Thanks for the kind words. This project was quite enjoyable. I do have to thank Les DuLunch for assisting with editing and proof texting reading.
The original idea came from a(n) historical novel by Patrick O’Brien, in which a young lieutenant rewrote a few of the verses to describe an admiral who was a stickler for hats being removed quickly for on deck ceremonies. When I read it, this idea popped into my head, and opposed to many of my “great” ideas, actually came to fruition.
“proof” should be struck through. I must have used an obsolete html command. Or George needed some attention.
Sorry. “texting”, not proof.
I’m getting too old for these 12 hour overnight shifts………..
“12 hour overnight shifts” ouch. I once did when I was in college I hope you can find better employment soon.
It’s kinda sad here at our church…we have a new pastor, and he is trying to be humble. But we are so used to idolizing the MoG that it is very hard to break that habit. So now everything is advertised as, “Go on the men’s golf outing, and you’ll have a chance to golf with Pastor _________”,and “If you win the spring program, you will have a chance to go to a weekend retreat with Pastor __________”! and “Join the men’s softball league! Pastor ______________ will be on one of the teams!” My husband and I just roll our eyes at each other…I mean, the new pastor is a nice guy and here we are, setting up the same patterns of idolatry. 🙄
Jesus or pastor? and they chose pastor.
The new pastor could put a stop to those promotions…if he wanted to. Sounds like he enjoys all the adoration.
“Sounds like he enjoys all the adoration.”
This is why many men become pastors.
If my priest received this kind of adoration, I’m fairly sure she would be horrified and would do her best to stop it.
The new pastor needs to have the character to put a stop to such things. It is flattering to the ego, but it is bad for the people.
We did that kind of advertising with one priest during his tenure in our parish, because everybody knew that he told the best stories. Over a beer. In a bar.
Come to the ECUSA! We wallow in the fleshpots! With our clergy, no less!
Only in fundamentalism do they make statues of the former Pastor (Hyles comes to mind).
Judging from this statue, I’d say it resembles John R. Rice or perhaps Lester Rolloff.
It isn’t only in fundamentalism friend…
Wasn’t Hyles referred to as “The Pope of Fundamental Baptists”? Also, he has also been referred to as “World Famous”. You can’t convince anyone he wasn’t a cult leader.
I do recall him being called the Pope. But that was not my point, I was just saying you can’t refer to fundamentalism as being the only religious group to have statues of former leaders.
Searchin’: I do not recall him being referred to as “The Pope of Fundamental Baptists”, but it wouldn’t surprise me that some called him that. There are still many, many people who believe that he was the greatest Christian since the apostle Paul, so there are lots of people whom one can convince that he wasn’t a cult leader.
Jack Hyles was certainly all about himself, not Jesus Christ. Sadly, many churches have copied this leadership style, and have impending cult-like status. I only pray that the influence of Jack Hyles dies out.
You have it so nailed down, Uncle Wilver. This put a smile on my face.
The bass can be used to keep rhythm, making it a substitute for drums. Avoid the appearance of evil.
The cello, while a beautiful instrument, could cause a man to lust if played by a woman.
Therefore, neither are suitable Fundy instruments.
Whatever happened to the “Sakbut”??
It is eerily true that most independent fundymental Baptist churches are more about the pastor than they are about Jesus. This cannot be an oversight . . . can it?
Since His Lordship in Hammond,IN has a statue, will there be one made of Jack Trieber?? Or even Tony Hutson?? Or even the weirdo Larry Brown??
Schaap was no doubt going to have one made of him at FBC and they probably would have named the auditorium after him but…….those plane fell by the wayside. Ya gotta clean up your cell phone pics Jack-O!
Ah, it’s YOU again back under a different name.
You really need to find yourself a new hobby other than bringing up your favorite names on unrelated posts here.