251 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Identify The Problem”

    1. Wow, JoeR got a “first” and didn’t even gloat. This is what is wrong with America. There used to be a TIME when MEN had that COMPETITIVE DRIVE that makes our nation strong. None of these pansy-waist, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, namby-pamby men who are so in touch with their “feelings.” I bet JoeR wears pink shirts and “flip-flops.” Well, there was a DAY in our NATION when a MAN wore BOOTS AND JEANS, haymen. Do you think our Lord walked around Galilee in FLIP-FLOPS??? NO!!! Jesus was a MAN!!! OUR NATION NEEDS REAL MEN WHO WILL STAND AGAINST THE QUEERS, WHO WILL STAND AGAINST THE HIPPIES, WHO WILL STAND AGAINST THE LIBERALS. And parents, you should be teaching your sons to be MEN!!!

      1. Pink shirts would clash with my red hair…just sayin’.

        Oh and at least I do pee standing up, so there’s that. You know, since Steven Anderson taught us all about that.

    1. People who work on Sundays? People who work second jobs instead of going soul winning? People who pursue business instead of going into the ministry?

    2. “All you sinners get WORKed up by what the preacher says instead of letting God WORK on your heart!!!! You arent getting mad at me, youre getting mad at God bless God!!!”

    3. Wimmin workin outside the HOME! Leaving their children alone to get into all kinds of mischief. HAYmen!

      1. PP, I love your song suggestion. Are you a fan of the Marshall family, perhaps? They do a nice bluegrass rendition of this song.

        1. Oh, the Marshall family. The first few times I heard them I though they had the weirdest little kid sounding voices (some of them WERE little kids. And then they grew up but their voices didn’t). But my mom got one of their CD’s and it was freakishly addictive for a while.

        2. I get twitches when country/bluegrass-type music comes on, so no, not a fan, lol.

        3. OMG. We had the Marshall Family at our church several times. They seem nice enough, but they are so strange. I feel so sorry for those girls.

    4. Dear Paisley:

      Preach about ‘don’t work’ and ‘won’t work.’ Revile socialism for demanding a full employment economy; then revile it again for supporting a nation that doesn’t work.

      This wouldn’t be the first time that preachers had turned text and logic on their heads …

      Christian Socialist

    1. Butter: And NOW, these LIBERALS are telling us what to EAT. My grandma on the farm fed us biscuits and butter and we turned out just fine, haymen??? What is wrong with a little butter? God has GIVEN us all GOOD THINGS to ENJOY, haymen? And that verse is not talking about alcohol and cigarettes and some of you men need to get right with God. Obama wants to stop your children from eating BUTTER.

  1. My random noun is “War”

    A real hard-core Fundy wouldn’t think this was ruining America. They would think America at War is defending “Liberty” no matter the circumstances.

    1. the war on Christmas? the war on the 10 commandments? The constant war against the prince of the power of the air?

    2. Dont forget the “war” on God’s holy inspired word: the KJB!!!!!!!!!! because if you dont think its the end all be all translation of the scriptures then you are warring against it!!!!

  2. Language: Eph. 4:29

    There’s been entirely too much cursing on this site — I’m disgusted by you so-called Christians and your Christian cursing with your g-llies and your g–dnesses and all those other borderline obscenities.

    And while I’m on the topic, the even bigger problem with this site is the idle talk, particularly how you people sit around and chatter endlessly about righteous manogawds.

    I won’t even talk about the good King James Bible and it’s Olde English language. I think we can all agree on that: It’s God’s Word.

    Can I get a HAYmen, folks?

    (I’m no good at this).

    1. I’m having flashbacks to the time a lovely Christian woman who ordinarily seemed quite reasonable, no more conservative than I, who looked at me in horror and asked me not to say such words when I used the phrase “oh my goodness” in front of her toddler.

      At first, I assumed she’d misheard me, and I quickly tried to correct her, saying “Oh, no no no, I say ‘oh my GOODNESS’.” She looked at me solemnly. “I know.”

      Never did get any specifics on why that phrase was so awful and what other ones might be forbidden in front of her children.

  3. Mine was “bit”.

    People think they can put in a “bit” of time at church and think they’re serving God. Well, if you’re not in church every time the doors are open, you might as well not show up at all. Church attendance is dropping and America is losing its foundation as a Christian nation…

    I can’t keep this up. I’ve already had enough Fundy bad news this week plus a hammering from a neo-Fundy. I’m kind of done with it.

  4. I got “rhythm”. Too easy. Rhythm=rock music=Satan’s playground.

    “A dancing foot and a praying knee don’t belong on the same knee.” (Isn’t that in the Bible somewhere?)

    How about, “The only time we read about someone dancing in the New Testament, John the Baptist lost his head. Many a man has ‘lost his head’ because a of a lusty, dancing woman.”

    Exodus 32:17-19a “And when Joshua heard the noise of the people as they shouted, he said unto Moses, There is a NOISE OF WAR in the camp. And he said, It is not the voice of them that shout for mastery, neither is it the voice of them that cry for being overcome: but the NOISE OF THEM THAT SING do I hear.
    And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the DANCING” “These backslidden, God forsakin, Israelites with their idol worship, listening to their rock music, dancing nekkid…needed the managawd to break the Word of God over their heads! That’s why God has sent me here today, to break some heads, haymen?”

    And so on. Welcome to my childhood. This has been strangely therapeutic.

    1. BTW, Darrell, have you ever written a post on Dave Benoit? A search of the site yielded no results, but that’s sometimes misleading.

    2. Don’t forget David. When he danced before the Ark of the Covenant, his wife “despised” him in her heart. While we don’t normally condone wimmin makin’ moral judgments about their menfolk, it’s okay when the man is prancing around like a queer in the PRESENCE of GOD.

    3. I’m sorry, I just realized that you said “I got rhythm.” We will have to preach you out of the church now, because having “rhythm” means that you are possessed of the devil 😯 .

        1. That’s just disgusting. 😳 But,yes, as the offspring of a quiverfull family, I know just what you are talking about.

      1. LOL.
        “I got rhythm,
        I got music,
        I got my woman —
        Who could ask for anything more?”

  5. “A dancing foot and a praying knee don’t belong on the same LEG.” George must be quoting the NIV.

    1. Well, that’s very easy, then. Just learn to dance one-footed and pray one-kneed. God gave you two legs, didn’t he? 😛

  6. My word was “look”. While I could go on forever about how important it is that the world sees your Christianity only by the way you dress and not by your love for people, I think Deuteronomy 22:5 says it all when it says, “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” Because while it’s okay that we change certain standards to accommodate us through the changing of the times (I’m pretty sure some of the hymns we sing would be considered upbeat in Jesus’ day), changing the standard that there could possibly be a difference between men and women’s pants is the work of the devil. Because when I go shopping for clothes, I can’t tell the difference between the two. Why do they even sell them in different departments?! America’s going to hell in a handbasket and it’s because you can’t tell men and women apart anymore. I feel so convicted to pray for those lost heathen souls. Let me make sure no skin is showing as I kneel in my ankle length jean skirt that’s safety pinned all up the slit, as not to tempt the men of God.

    1. You forgot “abstain from all appearance of evil” which means that if we even LOOK evil, then we are sinning.

  7. The word is “Regret” as in, “Brother, there’s a comin’ a day when you are going to be filled with regret! That day when you’re standing before God with hands dripping of the blood of those you could have witnessed to, but didn’t. It’s your fault they will be in hell. You’ll regret sleeping in, regret watching TV, regret spending time with your wife, regret raising your own kids, regret working a secular job, regret not working in the bus ministry, regret not being loyal to the man o’god, regret voting Democrat, regret spending time at the Golden Corral….er, wait…well, maybe you won’t regret that….

    1. Then, you tell the story of the old man who gets saved on his deathbed and starts weeping and crying and the preacher asks why and the old man says, “Regret! Regret!”

      I forget where that story comes from (Bob Jones maybe?) but I have heard it more times than I care to tell. I think I first heard it at the Bill Rice Ranch.

  8. I am going to preaching this morning on this thought “Talk”.
    Open your King James Bibles to the book of James 3 verses 5 and 6.
    Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

    And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

    I. Talk from Hell.
    a. Criticizing the preacher.
    b. Criticizing the prayer.
    c. Criticizing the payer. We need more tithers!

    II. Talk that is Well.
    a. Invite Sinners
    b. Encourage Saints
    c. Expose Scoundrels

    III. Talk that will Tell
    a. Exposes your Heart’s Condition
    b. Exposes your Heart’s Contents
    Matthew 12:34
    O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh
    c. Exposes your Heart’s Cares

    IV. Talk that will Quell
    a. Rebuke the Grumbler
    b. Restrain the Tale bearer
    c. Remove the Divider
    (Romans 16:17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.)

    I am going to ask Brother Cletus and Sister Maizy-Ann to come up here and sing Just As I Am. What kind of Talk are you talking?

    1. Wow. I almost awarded you all the internets. But your invitation was a tad short. I think I might need to separate from you because you are a liberal compromiser.

    2. Congratulations!

      Your reward winning our preaching contest is none other than Jack Schaap’s Bible.

    3. Dear Apathetic or whatever:

      Inspirational! Perhaps Darrell should create a repository of sermon outlines. I wouldn`t put it past some people to take and preach them.

      Christian Socialist

  9. My word was “run”. I’m sure this is in the bible somewhere, “thou shalt run down the isle after hearing the preeching of the MOG and git right with God”…

    Happy Thanksgiving to all the fellow Canadians on this site!!!

    1. “Run” reminds me of the WORST ALLITERATION I ever heard. (To be fair, it was a Southern Baptist preacher, and he was kind of making fun of alliteration, but still, it was bad.)

      The sermon was from Heb. 12:1: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” (NIV, of course, because it was a SBC.)

      The points were (I kid you not):

      (1) The Witnesses that Watch
      (2) The Weights that Weigh Us Down
      (3) The Way to Wun the Wace. (As in, the way to run the race . . . I think!)

    2. I think you’re also supposed to run around waving a white hanky while the mog’s daughter belts out a special, sung in the key of Biscayne. (It certainly isn’t any key the piano knows)

  10. Haha. Mine is “cough.”

    America today wants to blame every little twitch and cough on illness (Have a headache? You’re bipolar! Cough? OCD! Here’s a pill!) when we all know that physical ailments are either the favor of God being withheld from our lives due to sin, or imaginary afflictions designed to draw attention.
    Suffer your physical maladies in silence, lest you be thought unworthy of the great blessing of a special chapter in your missionary biography one day!

    1. “Cough” is a word that gives rise to story time. Like the story our preacher once told about a man who was dying of lung cancer from smoking (of course) and when the preacher went to visit him, he supposedly grabbed the preacher’s hand and started sucking on his finger (GROSS!!!) because “HIS BODY WAS CRYING OUT FOR NICOTINE.”

  11. Today’s word of the day is “wax.”
    I could go on about how those slick wannabe preacher boys “wax eloquently” about things that aren’t even in the Bible, Amen? They want to allow God’s house to be used as a Soup Kitchen to feed the lazy and crazy homeless people. These skinny little boys wearing v-neck sweaters standing up in front of their (air quotes) congregations talking about just loving on their neighbor and not sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ with them at every opportunity. Shameful. Amen.

    1. It’s all them queers who wax their body hairs off that’s ruining Amerrrca. Real mens don’t never wax no body hairs off. They wan’t to be like wemmins so they can entice good manly men to have sexuall thoughts about their smooth hindsides. Perverts! All of em!!

        1. Yes, but that’s OK because it’s to make themselves pretty for their husbands, which is their only purpose, haymen?

  12. Today we’re a-gonna talk about FICTION. And you know what I’m talking ABOUT, I’m talking about those books uv fiction that your children are sneaking in your house and filling your house with EVIL! I’m talking about those satanic Harry Potter BOOKS. HAYmen?

    You cain’t reach your child. I say you cain’t reach your child. Why? Because the fiction he’s a-readin’ has reached him first. Diddy, you’re out playing golf instead of our knocking on doors soul-winning. Mamma, you’re a-watching your “stories”, which are just as bad, instead of here, looking after the youngins and LOOKIN AFTER YOUR YOUNGIN! What kind of example are you setting for your children? No WONDER they want to read that Harry Potter!

      1. “The jelly probes the literate song” immediately conjured up an image of an obese preacher man getting his song book stuck in a fold of his gut.

  13. I got the word “harmony.” Obviously, harmony is destroying this once great country. There is too much getting along. Too much compromise. Too much bipartisanship. Too many denominations acting in harmony with one another. Do you know who brings harmony? The Anti-Christ. Harmony is the sign of a new world order, the sign that Jesus is coming back soon. We must reject this harmony. We must come out from among them and be ye separate. If that means that I’m singin’ out of tune with the song the rest of the world is singin’, then I’m singin’ out of tune.

    1. But remember, the week after you preach this sermon, you have to talk about how there does need to be harmony in the howsagawd, haymen, if everyone would GET IN LINE with WHAT WE ARE DOING HERE.

  14. My word “Daughter” … well.. here we go..

    Its a great day to be in the house of God today Amen? Now would you stand with me as we open up this blessed ole King James 1611 Bible. You know I shouldn’t even has to say that because there is only one true Bible, and that’s the KJV 1611 Amen?

    Well I can see I got us off on a rabbit trail there, lets get back to the text.


    Turn with me to Deuteronomy chapter 22, remain standing with me as we read verse 5:

    “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man” … now let me stop right there. We have a problem in our country today with our Daughters in our Independent Fundamental Bible Thumping, Soul Winning, Baptist Churches. I’ve never seen anything like it. Oh you think you girls can hide it from your preacher but I know, I know.. I hear about it all the time. Girls in this room right now, your daughters wearing britches. You know its sad, whenever I go to visit another church member, you ring the doorbell and you hear everyone running. I know what it is, your women are running to put a skirt on to make yourself presentable to your preacher.

    Also many of our God fearing ladies have seen some of your daughters out in public wearing britches! Britches are for men, bless God, and any woman who puts them on are not a lady in my book. Your a whore and a hussy leading people to HELL with your wicked testimony!

    Just think of the average Joe walking down the street who knows you go to church, what kind of testimony are you going to show to the unsaved in this world if your wearing a worldly garment?

    Lets have every head bowed and every eye closed except for me and my alter workers.

    There’s an alter right down front here where you can get it right, and you better too. Some of your daughters out there know who they are, and I know too, because either I have seen or they have been reported to me for wearing britches.

    How can America get right with God if we can’t get our Daughters right with God?

    Amen… Amen..

    Well its been a good day in the house of God today. Be sure to be back today at 2:00 PM for our Nursing home ministry, 3:00 PM Ladies Auxiliary Meeting, 4:00 PM for Choir practice, 6:00 PM Prayer meeting and our 7:00 PM church service. Also after the service tonight we will have a britches, book and CD burning bon fire tonight. Make sure your in your place tonight.

    Brother Big Belly, would you lead us in our closing prayer.

    1. PREACH!!! This made me lol.

      Loved the instructions following the alter call – spot-on!

    2. Oh I forgot that brother Big Belly was supposed to also pray for the food in the fellowship hall for the afternoon pot-luck.

  15. OK, the word I got was “wound”. The Bible says “Faithful are the wounds of a friend”, haymen? If we are truly friends, we should be wounding those around us. Is your friend doing something differently from the way you would do it? Wound them, haymen! Use your words to be a good friend and cause a wound. The Bible says that the blueness of the wound drives out the sin and rebellion in a child. If you have to treat your friend like a child, go ahead. It’s nothing more than they deserve for stepping out of line. Are you a good friend? Do you regularly cause wounds to those close to you? If you don’t, you are not right with God! You are not following the Word of God from that 1611 King James Bible, haymen! When you stand before the Judgement Seat of Christ, you will give an account for all the friends you failed to wound. Those wounds could have brought them back to the Old Paths. Do your part – would your friend!

    And now I need a drink – thinking Baptist is hard. 😕

    1. HAC girl, I have heard that exact sermon preached more than once. Also, my abusive mother used to use that verse to justify screaming and yelling at us for manufactured infractions. She actually said that this verse commanded her to find things to “wound” us with.

      1. I think I’ve heard this sermon close to verbatim a few times as well. It says something about the IFB that this sermon was the first thing that flew into my head when wound came up on my screen.
        Actually, I also heard this once in staff meeting (sermon time) last year. Can we say abusive ministry? 🙄

        1. Yes, I do know Pastor Hoffman. In all the interactions I have ever had with him, he has always been very gracious and kind. He seems to me to be one of those “fundy in doctrine but not in spirit types”. Even though I am older and unmarried and can’t really do much to advance his agenda, he has always treated me like a person of worth.
          I have occasionally attended his church, when I can sneak away from my required church, to get a dose of decent preaching. His town in several hours away from where I am, but once in a blue moon, it is worth the effort of getting there.
          He and his family are actually one fundy set that I can’t say a single bad thing about – just my experience, of course, but it truly surprised me. I was expecting the usual lambasting when I walked into his church, but was treated kindly (at least by the preacher).

        2. I am very glad to hear it. I wondered if you knew him since is is HAC-alum and in Korea as well. One of his sons is a good friend of my sister at West Coast.

  16. “water”

    The problem with America today is that we want to make sure we have clean water. We spend millions on treatment plants, we run businesses out of town because they pollute, and we even drill wells in Africa for people to have water.

    But the problem is that we don’t give them the LIVING WATER. We will spend billions on water, but we took the Ten Commandments out of schools, we took away the Pledge of Allegiance, we took away prayer, and now we want to take “In God We Trust” off our money. That’s taking away the Living Water.

    The BOOK says that a person who drinks water will thirst again unless he drinks the living water. Water treatment plants are a complete waste of time unless we make sure that every child in the world has a chance to hear the Gospel. We shouldn’t spend a dime on it until we put the Bible back in schools.

    1. Come to think of it, this country will go to hell in a handbasket until we have a preacher teaching Bible and preaching chapel in every school in America!

  17. I decided to go again. I got an easy one.


    I. A woman ruined the Garden of Eden. (wife joke 1, 2 and 3) They caused men to fall even back then!
    Where would the men be if it weren’t for the women? Back in the Garden of Eden sitting around under the trees and having a good time! That’s exactly where we’d be!

    II. A woman ruined David.
    If she had kept her clothes on he would not have seen her and lusted after her. Women should wear loose, baggy clothes so that they do not force men to sin. Men can’t control themselves, that is why they should be in charge.

    III. Women ruined America.
    America was doing just fine until 1919 when women got the right to vote. The very next president was Warren Harding! That’s right our worst president was voted in by women! That’s because women ain’t got sense enough to be allowed to vote.
    Bless God, women voting wasn’t in the Constitution until the liberal namby pambies put it there.

    Hitler began his rise to power in 1919, the same year that women got the right to vote in America! I do not believe that is a coincidence! I believe that is Divine Retribution for America’s sins.

    Women are still ruining America. Not just with their voting but with their skimpy dress, their yappy little dogs and wanting to cuddle.

    I am going to give an invitation and ask all of Jezebels to come down to the ol’ fashioned altar and get right!

    1. “Men can’t control themselves, that’s why they should be in charge.”

      That right there is a typical Fundy logic fail. Love it, well done!

    2. Good sermon, but you forgot to preach against Hillary Clinton. I think I may need to separate from you because you are clearly a liberal compromiser.

      1. You need to buy my message series on cassette. The next sermon in my series is “2016: The End of America”

        In that message I deal with Hillary and her wickedness. Hillary is clearly mentioned in the Bible in Isaiah 3:12
        “As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.”

        I deal with the fact that women should never be in a place of leadership. In fact, according to Genesis, their desire is to be to their husbands and he is to rule over them.

        Towards the end of the message I have to throw a smart-alecky teenager out of the service for shouting out “Then why did you vote for Palin?” Everyone knows that is completely different.

        Anyway, you should consider buying my sermon series. If you are a liberal compromiser who has a video monitor then you can purchase them on VHS as well.

    3. “Where would the men be if it weren’t for the women? Back in the Garden of Eden sitting around under the trees and having a good time! That’s exactly where we’d be!”

      And exactly how many “men” would be there? That’s right, one man. Women are clearly ruining the world – without women, there wouldn’t be more than one man to lust after another man, haymen? It’d just be man and God, the way it was MEANT TO BE, no distractions from women, or homosexuals, or the world. The whole world is CURSED because of women, and without that curse, men wouldn’t even have to work! The garden would produce food while men focussed on worshipping God, haymen? And, and THIS is why women’s place is in the kitchen, haymen? It’s the fault of the curse caused by WOMEN that food doesn’t grow itself for men, so the women should reverse that curse by providing the food to men. It’s bad enough men have to work for the money to buy food, haymen, they shouldn’t have to do the buying and cooking too – just the eating, haymen? And this, of course, is why women shouldn’t be working outside the home, haymen? With all the poisons and drugs being put in our food today by the government and Illuminati, we need women at home to grow our food and prepare it in the good OLD way! Buying food not only puts all them drugs into you letting the government control your mind, it also means you’re giving money to all them foreign corporations that promote godlessness all over the world. Why, that money should be going to support your local church, to help stamp out the godlessness we see all around us, like the movie-houses and the stores with foreign clothes that don’t cover enough of women’s bodies. Have you been giving enough to the church? Have you been here every time the doors are open, doing your visitation and soul-winning? What about bus ministry, Sunday School, loyalty to your pastor? If you need to get right with God, you come right down to the old-fashioned altar while the rest of us sing “Give of your best to the Master.”

      That was both way too easy and too hard – I kept wanting to stop and correct my own logical failures. My brain hurts now. And I could only manage a couple of grammatical errors…

      1. “Where would the men be if it weren’t for the women? Back in the Garden of Eden sitting around under the trees and having a good time! That’s exactly where we’d be!”

        Funnily enough, I didn’t make that quote up. It is a direct quote from evangelist B.R. Lakin. I heard it on an old sermon tape of his.

  18. Instruments–

    Dear friend, there is great evil destroying Our Land today. That evil is the wickedness of musical instruments. Consider, friend, without the evil of musical instruments, there would be none of this wretched “rock music” that undermines the moral standing of Our Great Country and Her People. EVEN WORSE is the lukewarm Christianity of Our Blessed Land that not only listens to the rock music–the devil’s own sound–issuing out of these cursed musical instruments, but also mimics the songs of the Devil, corrupting the name and holiness of Our Lord, with this godless and vile “Contemporary Christian Music.” I tell you, friend, there is nothing “Christian” about “Christian Rock.” It is all the work of the devil made solely to destroy this Great Nation and Her Influence around the world. Dear friend, you must remove the evil of instruments from your life. Yes, yes, I know there were great men of the past who used instruments to make glorious music to God, but, friend, that small amount of good never cancels out the great evil caused by Satan’s instruments. Yes, my friend, there is no coincidence that we may speak of Satan’s instruments of destruction using the same word. This is the great clue that musical instruments are indeed instruments of Satan used for destruction. Do not be fooled, my friend–these instruments of music, despite some great men turning them at times to good, these instruments of music are truly the instruments of Satan to destroy us and Our Great Land! Simply look at how music has divided us from each other and from previous generations! Even 100 years ago, musical styles were separating young people from the influence of their parents! This ought not be, dear friend. This is how Satan influences young people to go their own, rebellious way! Dear friend, you are the only barrier between the evils of instruments in This Land, and the purity of God. Reject the evils of musical instruments! Sing to the Lord with only your voice–created by God to His Glory! Then, and only then, can the destructive influence of the Devil be erased from Our Glorious Land, and the Holiness and Purity of Godly Music be returned! Dear friend, this is the path of Righteousness. It will not be easy, but Paul warned us in Romans not to yield up our members to instruments of destruction. He was warning us even then of the sinfulness and evil of playing musical instruments! Do not be a party to evil! Reject these instruments and praise God each day with the only thing fit for worship: the voice He created! No man-made work of Satan, but His own Glorious Creation! Today is the day of victory! The Godly Influence of Our Nation depends on you and your willingness to follow this Truth. Be empowered by the words of Paul! Embrace the purity and holiness of music given to God with what He has created, friend. This is the calling on you!

    1. Loved this. My favourite bit:

      “Yes, my friend, there is no coincidence that we may speak of Satan’s instruments of destruction using the same word. This is the great clue that musical instruments are indeed instruments of Satan used for destruction.” 😀

  19. mine was “leather”. america is being ruined by people wearing leather. those women wearing leather skirts tempting the men (and mannagawd) to look on them in lust. only a brazen hussy would array herself in that kind of attire of a harlot. plus think of all the money that could be given for the building fund (and the next vacation for the mog and his family) that goes to buying leather gloves, purses, and gloves. what a waste of gid’s money. all because of that devilish leather. and then there’s the menfolk wearing their leather pants (who do you think you are, mick jagger?) and leather jackets (who do you think you are, fonzie?). I tell yoy, leather is straight from the pit of hell. now turn to 2Kings 1:8, “And they answered him, He was a hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. And he said, It is Elijah the Tishbite.” What America needs is more Elijahs in leather girdles. repent of your leather jackets and pants and get yourself a leather girdle. HAYMEN!!!

    1. I actually heard a sermon once in which the preacher hemmed and hawed about whether it was okay for John the Baptist to wear camel hair and leather and to eat locusts or whether this was the Bible trying to show us that he was a sinner too.

    2. This is so close to reality that it’s scary. I once got called down from the pulpit for wasting Gid’s money on a new purse. Clearly that leather was of the devil!

        1. Amen!! Preach it, Dr. Fundystan! I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit calling me to get right at the old fashioned altar! Now to tick my ankle length skirt modestly while I pray… 😉

      1. Do you all remember that the finale of Friends was broadcast on a WEDNESDAY night?? We didn’t even own a TV, so it didn’t matter to us, but it was so funny to see the pastor go off on the 12 of us that attended that Wednesday evening service while everyone else stayed home to watch the finale.

        1. Okay, so it was a Thursday night. Well, they must have missed a revival or something because I remember the big scandal it was that so many people missed church.

          We were kind of a weird IFB congregation. The church had a fairly normal standard-issue Baptist preacher for almost two decades before the IFB-firebrand preacher came on the scene. (My family joined after that.) Even the IFB guy was all bark and no bite: he preached the “right” sermons but didn’t really care if we obeyed all the rules. So, a bunch of people staying home to watch a TV show wasn’t a shocker, but for some reason it got under his skin that night in a big way.

  20. Ooooh boy howdy, am I ever lucky. I got the word “Cause.”

    Please turn in your King James Bibles to I Samuel 17:29: “And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?”

    You are blessed to be in this church today to hear the wordagawd preached. Because our new liberal translations do not have this verse in their Bibles. The liberals have given up the cause of Christ! The NIV, the NASB, and all those other translations made by satanists have CHANGED the WORDAGAWD, haymen??? And many of those translations come from ENGLAND, haymen??? And I see Europe becoming more and more liberal each and every day. And that is where America is headed if we dont GET RIGHT WITH GOD, haymen??? Be thankful that you live in a nation that has the King James Bible.

    [We’ve all heard the “is there not a cause” sermon before, so I’ll omit it here. I would just note that even liberal compromisers like Ravi Zacharias seem to have jumped on this bandwagon with blithe disregard for what the actual Hebrew actually says. But, no matter, for as the managawd says, THAT’LL PREACH!!!]

    1. Oooh! PARK THAT BUS!!! That’s preach! Hoe that corn!! Hay-men!!!

      Looks around quietly, realizes she is the wrong gender for shouting, quietly, meekly, and shamefacedly returns to seat instead of plunging headlong into the baptistry.

  21. Hah! I got “Government!” This is like shooting fish in a barrel.

    The librul Gov’mint is leadin’ us down the road to Perdition! They’re advocatin’ for lettin’ women choose their own health care, lettin teh ghey serve in our military instead of stayin’ in the closet where they belong, and poisinin’ our babies’ minds with those programs on NPR like “Sesame Street” with its talkin’ animals and monsters and little girls in pants! The Gov’mint is takin’ over the role of the family, servin’ breakfast in schools, and lettin’ the children of those lazy freeloadin’ poor people have it, and even lunch, for free! They should go out and git jobs like good God-fearin’ people! Amen? Then they could come to church (but not this one) and tithe like the Bible says they should!

    The evil Gov’mint is always tellin’ us what we can and cannot do: it is ILLEGAL to post the Ten Commandments in the Courthouse, but it’s PERFECTLY LEGAL to light a NATIONAL CHRISTMAS TREE! The Pres’dint does it ev’ry year, even though Christmas trees are PAGAN symbols! An’ libruls keep wishin’ us “Happy Holidays” when the only proper holiday to celebrate in December is CHRISTMAS! We’re bein’ PERSECUTED for our beliefs, amen?

    and on, and on, and on. . .

    1. “Programs on NPR like Sesame Street” . . . priceless!!!

      (It’s interesting to me, that I never really heard much preaching against children’s television like Sesame Street and such. I know Teletubbies were a hot topic for a while, but I never really heard much else. We actually had a sermon in our church that Barney was okay (because the preacher’s grandaughter liked Barney).)

      1. Waaaay back, when Sesame Street first started, our IFB pastors wife warned us of its evils saying that it was a tool of Satan. It featured monsters that were cute, so it would desensitize us to monsters. Huh? If Godzilla (oops, should that be Gollyzilla?) went on a rampage through town, I would most likely choose to flee like the rest of the wall-eyed citizenry rather than stand around tossing him cookies. I’d probably wind up hiding behind a trash can tossing my own cookies. Until the lid pops and cute little Oscar the Grouch appears, calming my fears so I can then stride blindly into the street only to become roadkill between Geezilla’s toes.

  22. “Committee”

    That’s right, folks, I said, “committee.” And you know Committees are the death of Christian zeal, amen?

    Nothin’ gets done because we’re all in committee, talk, talk, talking but no one’s out there DOING!

    No one drivin’ the bus–that’s the Transportation Committee!
    No one knockin’ on the doors–that’s the Evangelism Committee!
    No one tithing–that’s the Fundraising Committee!

    Committees are killing the cause of Christ.

    1. Garrison Keillor once did a show in Boston where he made a lot of jokes at the expense of Unitarians and their “committees.” By the end of the show, Keillor’s satirical Unitarian Musical Production Committee had decided:

      (1) To allow the character of Henry David Thoreau to be played by a nine-year-old girl, because “Unitarians don’t practice age and sex discrimination.”

      (2) That the problems with America could be fixed if “Laura Bush started speaking out and got on some committees.” (This was back in 2004.)

      (3) That the first song for the musical should be: “U-U-U, United, Universal too! We don’t worship You-Know-Who, just because we don’t want to!!!”

      As a recent departure from the IFB, I found it utterly hilarious to think that some churches make decisions by consensus rather than by directives from on high.

  23. Weather.

    Everyone knows that God is using heathen scientists and politicians to punish America for its sins.
    2 Thessalonians 2:11 (KJB of course)
    “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:”

    The ‘Global Warming’ movement is causing havok in the scientific, enonomic and political circles.
    Isaiah 19:2 (KJB of course)
    “And I will set the Egyptians against the Egyptians: and they shall fight every one against his brother, and every one against his neighbour; city against city, and kingdom against kingdom.”

    The increase in extreme weather patterns are also causing havok.
    Genesis 41:30 (KJB of course)
    “And there shall arise after them seven years of famine; and all the plenty shall be forgotten in the land of Egypt; and the famine shall consume the land;”

    Repent, the day of judgement on America is here.
    2 Chronicles 7:14 (KJB of course)
    “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.”

  24. I don’t know if I can come close to what everyone else has already done, but here goes.

    My word is “rain”.

    I worked on this week’s message for 5 hours yesterday but the Lord told me this morning to put that sermon aside and preach this message he gave me. Please turn to Leviticus 26:3-4 in your perfectly preserved Kng James Bible. We see that it says 3 If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them; 4 Then I will give you rain in due season.

    What we see happening in America today folks is reflected in these words. In Amercia today, because of all the liberalism and homosexuality and rock music and beer drinking and pants on women, we are no longer walking in the Lord’s statutes. We as a nation are no longer keeping the Lord’s commandments. Therefore the Lord is not giving us rain in due season. Look at the drought the country is experiencing. YOU THINK IT IS BECAUSE OF CLIMATE CHANGE!!??? YOU THINK IT IS A COINCIDENCE??? NO!! HEY! I am here today to tell you it is because God is unhappy with us. We as a nation are not soul-winning enough, not tithing enough, not being in church everytime the doors are open enough for God to be happy with us.
    You want God to be happy with you, don’t you? Well how about going out on the bus ministry? Or what about getting rid of your hellivision and giving the money you were giving to the cable to the church? Amen?

    God’s words are clear and I can’t think of anything more apparent to show that America is in trouble because of the lack of rain. Water your lawns all you want. It doesn’t matter. The Lord is coming back soon. I think, maybe even this year. Now I’m not one for date setting but it is so obvious.

    How is your house? Do you receive rain from ther Lord? If not, let’s meet at this old-fashioned altar and pray that God will rain upon you and us as a nation.

      1. AoW, this has got to be the funniest “amen” type comment I have ever heard (or read).

    1. You forgot to say No, No, NO, NO, NONONONONONONO!!!!! You do not get a framed page (steam cleaned) from Jack Schaap’s Bible.

    2. This was awesome! +5 for the “Hey!” and the hellivision. You must be from my camp and my subset. Nice to know there are more of us.

    3. But Brother Pastor, if I get rid of my tv and cable, how will you watch your college football on Saturdays? Can I get special dispensation? Them Cat-licks can watch that No-tra-Damn on free tv, but to see the SEC, we need ESPN.

      1. There’s room for you at this altar too. Saturday’s are for soul-winnin’, door-knockin’, bus-callin’ and prayer meetin’. You do that and keep your eye on the prize and God and myself will be happy.

        As for myself, I’ll be witnessing to my brother, again. For some reason I can never get through to him while he is watchin’ them NCAA football games. :mrgreen:

      2. Laura – now that I re-read your comment, I think I misunderstood what you were saying. I think you meant I was your brother and I usually come to your house to watch the games. 😳

        Well, get rid of your TV anyway and get out there and bring them in, bring them in. I’ll go pester, I mean witness to my neighbor next door who has the satellite dish.

  25. Welcome back to the third night of our revival. I am looking forward to sharing what is on my heart. Today I was planning to preach on “What the Bible says about television and other domestic appliances” but on the way over here I felt impressed to preach against Learning.

    II Timothy 3:7
    Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

    Today, a question we as parents need to ask is “Is our children learning?” If our children are learning the knowledge of the world that should trouble us parents. Amen?

    I. Learning puffs up.

    Once somebody gets an education they think they know more than the preacher! A lot of our young people are graduating from high school and going off to junior colleges and trade schools to be corrupted by the world’s knowledge. They come back here with their fancy Associates Degrees and think they know better than the preacher just because they have more education than he does.

    II. Learning prevents the truth.

    Once somebody thinks they know something they are blind to the truths of the old time way. Amen?
    First thing people want to do is throw out their KJV and buy a pair of britches!

    III. Learning perverts the truth.

    One of the liberals favorite lines to quote is “hath God said?” Once the liberal thugs in the public reeducation camps get their claws on your kids they will start to make them think that our beliefs are not actually based on the Bible.

    Now our elitist president wants everybody to go to college! If that is not a sign of the end times then I don’t know what is!

    Why don’t you come on down to the altar and repent of your evil learning? I have decided to do something special tonight.

    Bro. Cletus is the burn barrel ready? Glory!

    If you repented of Learning tonight and really meant it, why don’t you make it permanent and just burn those books? You high-schoolers and college students ought to toss your textbooks in and just give your grades to God and not worry about them.

    Who will be first? Glory! Sister Betsy-May is bringing her drivers eduction manual! Let’s rejoice with her!

    Haaallaylooyer! Bro. Cecil is bringing his stash of National Pornagraphic magazines!

    Step right up here Sister Candi-Blossom and toss those liberal encyclopedias and their evolution on the fire!

    And here comes Sister Miriam! Whatcha got there sister? Your mother’s cookbooks? The one with your mother’s secret recipe for pecan pie? I think you should step over to the side and really pray about that before you toss them in the barrel. I mean really pray about it. You need to make sure that this is the perfect will of God before you do it.

    Come on up here Brother! I don’t know you, what’s your name? The Fire Marshall? No, I didn’t read the pamphlet you sent over! If you have it with you we can burn it though, right?

    1. Oh my, I have heard this exact sermon minus the book burning preached within the last twelve months. That was spot-on.

      1. I’ve never understood why fundies have such disregard for things such as fire and electrical codes. Being an electrical engineer and a volunteer firefighter it frustrated the snot out of me. When I was on the VFD I did everything I could to keep the FD from doing a walk-through of the church building as they would find several severe violations and would have been an embarrassment to me even though I had not power to change them. 😳

  26. Did your fundie churches really have burnings? Our preacher preached about them all the time but we never ever had one. We had a sledgehammer smashing of Marilyn Manson and Eminem CDs after camp one year, but that was as far as we were willing to go.

    1. I think any modern version of that would be pretty lame. Teenagers standing around deleting files off of their Ipods and Kindles would not be very exciting.

      I attended several book burnings. If you did not have the offending item with you you were allowed to write it down on a piece of paper and toss that in the fire. You had to promise to dispose of the offending item as soon as you got home.

      1. “Standing around deleting files . . . ” lol. 😀 😀 😀

        My wife and I were talking the other day about how we were kind of in the last group of teenagers not to have all the technology that kids have now. We graduated in 2002, when it was still a HUGE deal to have an e-mail address and a cell phone that just got phone and text. And, yep, we still listened to music on CD and sometimes even on tape!!

        Ten years later, our younger siblings have so much technology at their fingertips, it totally alters the way they function educationally, socially, and otherwise. Being a teenager has changed dramatically in the last ten years.

    2. Our youth group had a very small burning one year after the annual revival service. Very little actually got thrown into the fire, and it became more of a marshmallow toasting fellowship instead of a sin-clearing, gid-honoring, devil-stopmin’ book burning. We only had it that one year due to lack of interest and it not living up to the hype.

    3. We sure did. Same fire we roasted hot dogs and marshmallow over. Nothing like the taste of smoldering jewel case plastic to coat your hot dog. Just put some chili on it and it will be fine.

    4. “Did your fundie churches really have burnings? Our preacher preached about them all the time but we never ever had one.”
      I have never been to one. I usually heard about them from the traveling UHvangelist who had a record burning in the 70’s and the Satans music loving neighbors were beating the side of his trailer cuz they were angry he was burning Satans music.

  27. “WAR”. Hmmm.

    “My friends, my brothers in Christ.

    The godless worshippers of other gods are NOT the true enemy! They will surely BURN in HELL and they don’t need no help from us in doing that.

    No my sweet sweet boys and rough manly men and their womenfolk who knows their place. The enemy is RIGHT here! I say the enemy is right HERE! It is among us and it is IN the beautiful country that God gave to US!

    And it is the feminists. And it is the abortionists. And it is the communists. And it is the socialists. And it is the marxists and the progressives and the hippies and the peaceniks and the interlectuals. And my shining menfolk…it is THE GAYS! The GAAAYYZZ-ah!

    We are wasting our time with the War on TERROR, ‘cos GOD is protecting us from the TERRORORISTS. We don’t need to waste our precious flower of godly youth convertin’ the HEATHENS to the ways of America. We don’t NEED to send our good christian boys with their bibles held to their strong, clean chests out into the desert.

    We have our own enemy right here. And we will preach. We will preach with our strong right arms. We will PREACH with our bibles. We WILL preach with our holy guns. We will go to the bath houses. We will go to the parks, and nightclubs, and men-only strip clubs.

    And we will lay our weapons on the table, and we shall drive…we shall DRIVE…drive HARD…till we have driven them out of our land.


    1. I like what you did there. you basically ran Schapp’s “polished shaft” sermon through an automated synonymizer – its basically the exact same sermon without the polishing, and the pornographic sound effects.

    1. I love that new degree. Now is that one female-friendly, or is it just for the gidly menfolk?

      1. If you had to ask you obviously need more training on how not to be sassin’ up us godlier men. :mrgreen:

  28. I would love to know why and how paper is ruining America. I live in the UK and here paper is bolstering democracy but paper over the Atlantic is clearly a problem. We heard all about hanging chads a few years ago, a clear demonstration that America is failing to address the reality of paper. In the UK we vote with a blunt pencil tied to a piece of string. No hanging chads.

    You see paper has to be respected, it can carry things of great benefit, just think where the Holy Bible would be without paper. But paper can also carry every scurrilous and demonic thought humanity is capable of. Over here very few of us can read and so we are unlikely to be cursed by the perils of paper. We use it to wrap fish and chips, we compost it, we put it in cat trays. Over there though – it is alleged all Americans can and do read and so no wonder America is ethically and intellectually moribund. America will only once again be the great nation it was when you all stop reading paper and eat more fish and chips.

    [Probably not what you want but its difficult to get into the right mindset over here!]

    1. Chris, your nation is so liberal, you cannot be in the IFB pulpits of our nation. Now, if you were Dr. Ian Paisley, on the other hand, we’d let you in the door, no questions asked. We love our Protestant Irish freedom fighters, even if they are a bunch of Calvinists. They hate the pope and so do we. But you Anglicans (which are really just Catholics) need to stay far away.

      Thanks for the KJV, but that’s about it. 😉

      1. “Thanks for the KJV, but that’s about it. :wink:”

        You have threatened to separate from me brother, well I may just separate from you!
        God gave the liberal English his own heavenly language. They didn’t appreciate the gift though so he made them regift it to America. That is why the liberals are trying to destroy America by making us ‘Press 1 for English’ when we call the pharmacy to get our prescriptions refilled.
        It is all part of the New World Order’s evil plot.

      2. Ian Paisley, now there’s a name I didn’t expect to come across…

        Interesting side note, my family somewhat knows his brother Harold, or at least I’ve heard him preach several times. (both he and my family are in a group some might know as the “closed brethren” with similar beliefs to the Plymouth Brethren, although we don’t take either name) Quite a different figure from Ian, and a wonderful preacher!

  29. “ethically and intellectually moribund” +10 for this phrase right here.

    Enjoy the fact that the right mindset does not come easily – much less crazy to work through. 😀

  30. You wanna know what’s wrong with America today? You wanna know why your children are running off to polish shafts and attend LIBERAL colleges with accreditation and all? You wanna know why your daugthers are wanting to wear MEN’S PANTS, such a PERVERSION of GID’S ORDER who CLEARLY told men to wear PANTS and women to wear SKIRTS in Deuteronomy?




    It lies in WAIT for your children, SIN LIETH AT THE DOOR, HAYMEN?! Just waiting for you to step outside. OUTSIDE INTO THE SKY. You look at that sky, what does it tell you? It’s so big! you say. It’s so blue! you say. IT’S SO SINFUL, I say! Who is the infinite one? Who is the biggest? GID AND GID ALONE, HAYMEN?! Anything that DARES try to encroach on GID’S TERRITORY as the BIGGEST is suspect and heresy, haymen?

    But, but, Dr. Andy Moose (I’ll change gender for the day), but pastor, I say, look at that sky, how blue it is, how beautiful. How can something so beautiful be so sinful? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S WRONG! What’s wrong is in your HEART, sinner! Lusting after the sky like that! If your heart was in the right place, if it was in these pews eighteen times a week as it should be, if you paid your pastor what he’s OWED, and you owe him your salvation so you can never pay him enough amirite?, then you would not be lusting after the sky in such a manner! For what does the Bible tell us about the color BLUE? It’s the color of royalty! It’s the color of the hangings of the tabernacle! It pertains to Gid! And here the sky is, like a shameless hussy, wearing blue!

    And that is why your wimmenfolk should never wear jeans or leave the house!


    (Yes, it was “sky”. No, I didn’t refresh to get a new word. Where would be the fun in that?)

  31. “Question”

    courtesy Pastor William (Bill) O Edacity:

    America started going DOWNHILL when her people began to QUESTION God and to QUESTION the teaching of the MAN OF GOD. We QUESTIONED the practice of having Bibles in our schools; we took them out, and the schools IMMEDIATELY started going downhill.

    We QUESTIONED the woman’s place in the home and we get the TERRIBLE Equal Rights Amendment movement (Eve Ruined Adam, haymen?).

    We QUESTIONED the Bible’s time-honored “spare the rod and spoil the child” and now we have GOOD, DECENT parents AFRAID to discipline their children in public for fear that the GOVERNMENT will take their children away.

    The Pastor is given BY GOD to RULE the church, the rise of the Internet and the wicked blogs are causing people to QUESTION their God-given leader. If the Pastor thinks you should do something, then, bless God, you just DO IT and don’t QUESTION him. We could do such a GREAT work for God here if I didn’t have to stop every five minutes and EXPLAIN everything to a bunch of QUESTIONING people. You don’t think you’re smart enough to understand GOD, do you? Why do you think you should understand GOD’s MAN in every area? God may lead ME in they way you should go. So just OBEY and DON’T QUESTION.

    My cousin, Bro Jones would be alive today if people hadn’t QUESTIONed him. He had so much he wanted to do for God, but was hampered by QUESTIONS from the people in his area. He was finally led of God to get out of the QUESTIONing area and start with some of his FAITHFUL, non-QUESTIONing folk a new work for God’s glory. But the QUESTIONS followed him – it just plumb wore him out and he died not much later. I surely do miss James quite a bit.

    Remember, beloved brethren, the law of firsts; when you want to understand something, look at its FIRST use in the Bible. When we come to QUESTIONS, we see that the first QUESTION was by Satan, that old serpent (Yea, hath God said…?). That’s why QUESTIONS are wrong — they are devilish, haymen? Do you want to be like Jesus, and TRUST, or are you going to be like Satan and QUESTION.

    You say you don’t believe me – let’s look at the very next QUESTION in the Bible: (“Am I my brother’s keeper?) This was said by a wicked MURDERER, with his brother’s BLOOD still WARM on his hands. So, QUESTIONS in the Bible are from Satan, or from a wicked, heartless man who wants to harm his brother.

    Sites like SFL pretend they are doing a service by pointed out excesses in fundamentalism, but all they are doing is causing GOOD man and women to QUESTION their leaders, and to DOUBT their good intentions.

    So tonight, brethren, I ask you – are you going to QUESTION and be like Satan or like Cain? Or will you TRUST and be Godly.

    Let’s have every head bowed and every eye closed; if you’ve ever been tempted by a desire to QUESTION, raise your hand. Amen! Hands all over the auditorium. If you raised your hands, come to this altar and ask God to forgive you and commit to walk henceforth in TRUST. Trust in God and trust in God’s man. C’mon now! What are you waiting for?

  32. The fourth message in this series is on Judgement.

    Matthew 7:1
    Judge not, that ye be not judged.

    As this verse clearly teaches us we are to judge others.

    I. We are to exercise judgement in our churches.
    Some of you have criticized me for kicking Brother Smith’s son out of our Christian school because Sister Bertha saw him flipping through a MAD magazine at Wal-Mart. My critics have pointed out that I let my son stay in the school while he was awaiting trial on his solicitation and possesion charges. This is called exercising judgement and following God’s leading. You should not question me.

    II. We should exercise judgement in our choices.
    “Only two choices on the shelf, to please God or to please self”. Which will you choose?
    Will you please God by surrendering your will to Him? Remember, God didn’t create you with a will so you should not have one.

    III. We should exercise judgement with our cherished possesions.
    If you love something too much it becomes an idol and God will take it away from you.
    Like your dog too much? BAM! Hit by a bus!
    Like your job? BAM! Fired!
    Like your car? BAM! Totaled!
    Like your house? WHOOSH! Burnt to the ground!
    God does these things to you because he loves you.

    Everyone standing with heads bowed and eyes closed. Noone is looking around. Just me and God. Let me ask you a question, what idol are you hanging on to? Will you exercise judgement?

  33. My word of the day is Self

    It should be obvious to all Bible-believin people why Self is destroying America.

    I. Self-Help Preachin’ – We got Joel Osteen preaching that you can have everything you want and everyone will love you and you just need to trust Jesus, Amen, and everything will be glorious here on earth for you and the just aint the gospel, we got Rick Warren preachin that you just need to have purpose, that God has a purpose for you and you need to find it, throwing out all your new age ideas and calling it God’s Word. And then worst of all you got self-help wimmenz preachin like Joyce Meyer, not only is this ebil Haymen cause she’s preaching to men, she preaches like a man, and she controls her man, she making tons of money like only a man should be doing, by gid she shouldn’t be preachin’ she should be home taking care of her man and having babies for her man, and cleanin’ her man’s house Haymen! That’s BIBLE self help right there, Haymen, and I haint even goin to list the verses haymen cause all you godly people should know them haymen.

    II. Self-esteem – You know all these public schrools out there think the problem with your kids is they don’t like themselves, they think they need to be told their good enough and their smart enough and doggonit people like them. The real problem is that these kids have not been hearing good preaching telling them how worthless and sinful they are. They don’t need self-esteem they need preacher-discipline haymen. They need Bible-esteem haymen, they need to know what the Bible says haymen, what it says about how awful they are them little horrible fornicating animals in the Christian school too haymen.

    III. Self-aggrandizement – one of the other “self’s” that’s destroying America is selfishness and self promotion, all these self-made celebruties self-promoting and being self-destructive with their drugs, and their drinking and their immoral escapades. They put down all their followers and raise themselves up as the paragon of virtue. They grasp and graft, they cheat, lie, and fornicate.

    Oh, wait, I just described most of my fellow Mogs, gonna have to rewrite point three, I’ll get back to you later.

  34. Anybody else wanna see Darrell try his hand at this?

    Darrell Darrell Darrell Darrell

      1. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that line. Our version was: “There has been a motion and a second. All in favor say aye. And I see no opposition. Amen.”

  35. Please stand tonight and turn in your Bibles to 2 Thessalonians Chapter 2. The second book of Thessalonians, the second chapter. And once you’ve found your place there in chapter two we’ll be looking at only one verse of Scripture tonight, and that will be verse 11.

    Once you’ve found your place please say “amen.”

    AMEN! I love to hear those pages turning amen.

    verse 11: “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:” And-may-god-add-his-blessing-to-the-reading-of-his-holy-word. Amen and amen.

    I’d like to talk to you tonight on the subject: “There’s no Reasonable Reason for The Righteous To Use Reason.”

    My friend, the Bible says that in the last days there will come STRONG DELUSION. That means that men’s minds which have been steadily becoming worse and more corrupt since the Fall will finally succumb to the lies of the Prince of this World and they will be UNABLE to see the truth of this old Bible.

    But they won’t be able to see that their way of looking at the world doesn’t make one lick of sense. They’ll tell you that we’re improving. That the world is getting better. They’ll point to their books and their professors and their liberal state-run universities and they’ll say that they have found the answer and that answer is MAN’S REASON.

    But REASON my friends is the devil’s game. REASON was what destroyed the ancient empires of Greece and Rome for it was when their philsophers began to promote LOGIC and ARGUMENTS instead of Jesus Christ that the empire fell apart and was destroyed. And in that day all the REASON of those philosophers was of no help to them.

    REASON is what caused the French Revolution and the horrible atrocities of the guillotine. As the common man began to read and was no longer content to do honest work with his hands but became puffed up in his pride and through REASON and philosophy from atheists like Voltaire began to curse God and pursue wickedness.

    And now even today the worship of REASON has brought many a man down to destruction. Preacher boys go off to these college and cemeteries (yes, that’s right, I call them cemeteries not seminaries) begin to believe that they know better than their pastor. REASON leads them into Calvinism and liberalism and makes them into Bible-questioners instead of Bible believers.

    REASON is the cause of dead churches, empty pews, powerless preaching, and souls on their way to hell tonight because instead of listening to GOD’S MAN preach GOD’S WORD they instead follow after VAIN PHILOSOPHIES and heaped unto themselves teachers having ITCHING EARS.

    Tonight I would warn you be careful what you read. Be careful who you let onto your bookshelf or onto your radio. If you own a TV (and I hope you do not) be careful what you allow to creep in through your eye gate and take residence in your soul.


    Will you take a stand tonight? Will you say with me that when people come to me with REASON I’ll point to my King James Bible and say “This is all I need”?

    Every head bowed, every eye closed….

    1. What a great example of taking verses clean out of context and making the Bible teach something it doesn’t.
      For example, you quote:

      And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie

      BUT you didn’t INCLUDE THE CAUSE.
      Why not?

      You are trying to say something that is NOT true. Obviously you are trying to portray that God just likes to send delusion to anyone for ANY reason.
      You are a deceptive and DECIETFUL LIAR!

      You then say:

      My friend, the Bible says that in the last days there will come STRONG DELUSION

      It says nothing of the kind. Again you are a LIAR and a MOCKER.

      The Bible DOES SAY

      2 Timothy 3:1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

      Hey STUPID!

      perilous times ARE NOT > STRONG DELUSION

      What are you? An IDIOT? Just plain STUPID or just a typcial Bible mocker who is going to hell?

      I would say ALL three.

      1. what word did you get? I am confused about the satire you posted in this one, its very Poe like, but a little to cutting and mean, smells more like real fundy to me.

  36. I wanna speak to you today on the biggest problem
    I see in America today. It’s called “Discussion”. You see the problem
    is this country wants to discuss everything.
    Instead of just whuppin your kids now you need to
    discuss why your whuppin them! Why parents you don’t
    need to be worrying about talking to your kids. Men & women in your marriages
    too many of y’all are talking to each other discussing if you will
    Men this ought not to be. Are you the king of your castle or not?
    That sweet little thing cooking your dinner she don’t need no discussing she
    will try to get you don’t worry she’ll rope you into whatever is going on
    on Wastebook Amen? Y’all see what I did there? She’ll keep you up nights wanting to
    discuss your marriage. You just need to tell her Woman I gotta go earn the $ for this family tomorrow I don’t need your contentious “discussion”. It’s worse than a leaky roof in here. Now that’s Bible right there! Wooeee it sho did get quiet in here…we’re just having a little discussion!
    That was the easiest thing I’ve ever written in my life. Wonder if I could start
    selling these “sermons” online. Of course I’d have to come up with a male “nom de
    plume” AND I’ll have to “discuss” this with DH!

  37. Darrell, I think you could truly go underground and get into a Fundy church as the pastor.

  38. IMPULSES are destroying our nation. Wild, animal IMPULSES from the shores of Africa–beats that drive us to cheat on our wives, wear our hemlines too high, and tap our feet to demon rhythms. The word IMPULSE is not found once in the KJV and that’s enough evidence right there that God wants His people to have no part in it! Instead of worldly IMPULSES we need to be addicted to God’s Word, haymen? Instead of having IMPULSES to serve Satan we need to have the IMPULSE to memorize Scripture! I tell you if I see one more punk teenager with his hair dyed and his pants all stickin’ to his legs and hangin’ down low and his ears pierced with the marks of slavery to sin, and his hair all hangin’ down in his eyes like a little girl–I tell you, I’m gonna have an uncontrollable IMPULSE to go over to him and pull his pants up for him and give him a hairtcut! Can somebody PULEEZE say Amen? (sadistic, judgmental laughter from the congregation. Pastor takes out hanky from chest pocket and wipes his brow and breathes deeply, because dissing the “sissy-boy” teenager in a loud and animated manner was evidently too demanding for his delicate phsyique).

  39. Sorry I’m having way too much fun with this. My next word is “Night.”
    “And now brothers and sisters, I’ll ask you to stand out of respect for the reading of God’s Word. (grandmas struggle feebly to their feet. Little kids spill out of mothers’ laps.)
    God’s Holy Word tells us to have no fellowship with the works of darkness, but rather reprove them. That little verse right there contains three vital truths for God’s people today (holds up Bible and shakes it importantly). Folks, this verse warns us first of all of the
    Dangers of Darkness
    Yes, my friends, the powers of Satan love nothing more than to see you out on the town at night, when decent folks are in bed, working the works of Satan and sowing seeds you’ll be reapin’ for eternity. I’m talkin about boozing, dancing, livin it up in nightclus. Yes I’m talking to YOU teenager girl, you who’s sneakin out at night and running with the wild crowd and you think that daddy don’t see. Well your daddy on earth might not see but your daddy in heaven knows all about it! Can I get an AMEN from you fathers out there (fathers eye daughters suspiciously).
    Second of all this verse leads us to an awareness of the
    Decay of Darkness
    You heard me folks. I’m talking about the moral decay that’s consuming this nation left and right. Yes sir I’m talking about a nation that calls evil good and good evil. A nation where our heroes sleep around and get divorced and commit suicide and overdose on DRUGS and ALCOHOL. A nation where we go to the movie house and sit down with our children and watch nudity and S-E-X and foul language! Yes sir and our nation is under leadership that doesn’t value God and the principles in the King James Bible, and that’s why we’re in the mess we’re in. I’m not going to make the connection to darkness there, the connection to our President I mean, because the Bible tells us in Romans to respect our government. but you can make that connection yourself and if the shoe fits then wear it. I make it a rule not to discuss politics from the pulpit haymen. But sometimes darkness takes a visible form and that’s all I’m going to say. And if you think back to my sermon last Sunday about the demon impulses from the shores of Africa that are destroying our nation then I think you’ll know exactly what I mean.

  40. My word was “balance.” Too easy cause I’ve heard it so many times.
    “See the problem with most Christians today is they don’t know how to BALANCE their time, treasure and talents. Give God what’s HIS!!!! If everybody in this church would BALANCE their priorities, then a handful of us wouldn’t have to do everything. You BALANCE your checkbooks, your iPod music, your kids’ schedules but can’t find time to be at church when the doors are open to BALANCE God’s work. Now raise your hand if you gave out a tract this week or if you led somebody to The Lord. Everybody take a look!!!! Just a handful of people. That’s not BALANCE and that’s the problem when you put your desires before God :mad:”

    I’m sure this sounds so familiar.

  41. Committee:

    I’ll tell you this, brothers and sisters, as long as I am the pastor of this church, there will be no committees. Amen? Amen, yes sir!

    All those liberal schisms and isms and spasms with their mama-called and papa-sent lily-livered so-called pastors who couldn’t make a decision to save their souls oughta be ashamed of theirselves. Amen? Amen! Gotta have a committee to choose the paint color, another committee to decide whether to gut new carpet – even a committee to decide what to serve at ever’ single potluck dinner! It’s shameful, amen? Amen!

    Bless Gawd, I make the decisions ’round here! You wanta know what color the walls’re gonna be? Ask me. Are we gonna get new carpet? Ask me! What’re we eatin’ at the potluck? Find out what my favorite’s are – that’s what we’re havin! Amen? Amen!

    When you get your hearts right with Gawd, you’ll see I’m right. Gawd made me the pastor of this church and what I say goes. You don’t like that? Well, don’t let the door hit you on the backside on your way out.

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