Top 10 Things Fundies Expect People To Say

Here are the top ten things that fundamentalists apparently expect people to say even if somehow they almost never do.

10. I’m so happy that you’re here knocking on my door on Saturday morning. Please, come in and judge me for a while!
9. Waiting to kiss my spouse until we were married has made it so much more enjoyable!
8. Your culottes are so modest that they make me feel like I’m dressed like a hussy! Can I get your sewing pattern for them?
7. The Bible makes so much more sense to me since I threw away my NIV and started reading the King James.
6. Since coming to your church I realized what was missing in my spiritual life: more pastoral screaming.
5. Looking at your family makes me so sad that I too selfish to have six more children.
4. I get to go to heaven AND vote for Republican Presidential candidates? What a sweet deal!
3. I’d so much rather have this Gospel tract than food or money.
2. Yes! I had always suspected something sinister about The Smurfs!
1. Since joining your church I finally understand what Jesus meant about His yoke being easy and his burden being light.

170 thoughts on “Top 10 Things Fundies Expect People To Say”

  1. Chick tracts are well-thought out pieces of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.

  2. You must have the truth since you get so passionate in defending your faith when people ask you difficult questions. I don’t blame you for not answering them, and rebuking those who question you.

    Will you show me how to be that full of faith?

  3. I saw your “KJV is the only true Word of God” bumper-sticker when you cut me off on the freeway yesterday, what’s this about the Romans Road?

  4. So I’m worshipping Satan and going to hell because you heard me listening to the local rock station? I repent! Please fill my ears forever with your cold, dead music that I’ve heard playing from your church for years. I mean, you guys must totally have it right because the church up the road plays stuff that sounds like what I like to listen to on the radio.

  5. My intensive study of the natural sciences has convinced me that Genesis 1 is 100% literal history.

  6. Honey, I feel totally fulfilled in my life calling of raising your 13 children, trying to make them sit still through 3 church services every week, homeschooling them by teaching 9 different grade levels of material simultaneously, hand-sewing my own culottes, and obeying your every beck and call. Of course I don’t need keys to the car-why would I ever want to leave the house anyway? Please tell me whether or not this V-neckline “Faded Glory” T-shirt is too revealing for me to wear on our weekly trip to Walmart. I’m not quite prepared to figure it out for myself.

    1. Why don’t women need driver’s licenses?

      Because there’s no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

  7. thought of another one, couldn’t resist:
    “Why shucks, ma’am, I’d love to fornicate with you, but y’know, I’ve got to stand by that decision I made at camp 17 years ago in the 5th grade . . . nevermind that I didn’t actually know what “fornication” was back then . . . “

  8. Thanks for letting me know that all men are lying in wait to sexually assault me at the first sign of skin. Even Pastor! I’m so glad I know now that their self-control is MY responsibility. I will now humbly lead them to salvation with my denim jumpers.

  9. My apologies to AM for not having read the previous post before posting. 😳

  10. -We’re strangers to each other, but I noticed that you and your sons are wearing slacks and collared shirts, while your wife and daughters are wearing ankle-length skirts. Clearly you must have the answers to all that pertains to life and godliness.

    -I noticed that you refuse to put anything else on top of your Bible. What must I do to be saved?

    -I was looking at your military-style hair cut and your fifties style clothing, and I realized that I could read the gospel all over you, even though I have never been in a church or heard of Jesus before.


  11. I am a IFB and while I might not agree with everything they do it is still the church for me … this is a funny site thought

  12. hey, lazy is better, I’d rather sit on my couch then tell someone about Jesus right . How much good tv do you miss by going to church all the time and on “visitation”. Hey skip old fuddy duddy church who needs all the conviction, give me a worship service with some music where I can use the dance moves I saw on Glee. I’m a good person, I don’t need to change, leave me alone, leave ur “Bible ” says to urself 🙂 :mrgreen:

    1. A church service where you can use all the dance moves you saw on Glee? Um, OK. I’m guessing you’ve never been to a typical contemporary service. (I know I hadn’t ever until I left the IFB.) There’s no Glee dancing going on, and even if there were, I’m going to assume the person is excited about Jesus and not judge him for it the way Michal criticized David for his exuberant dancing before the Lord.

  13. I honestly have never heard anyone else talk about bullet point #2. I was laughing thru #10-3 and then i read #2 and my jaw dropped. I was told I couldnt watch the smurfs, or He-Man, or Thundercats, but I watched Terminator 2 with my dad when i was in 3rd grade. LOLOLOL…the irony of it all. the flat out irony of it all. I have only met one person in my life that couldnt watch the smurfs and there was this bond i cant describe becuase this person “got it”

  14. Honey – look! That church is having a revival this week with tom williams! We have got to go! How often do you get to know when a revival is going to break out!?! I mean, maybe tom can help us figure out for sure this time if we really are saved!

  15. I was an NLT user before I went King James Bible and then I joined WCBC but left because of their teachings that I thought didn’t agree with scripture. I left the IFB but I didn’t abandon my KJV. Most people get mad when I say the KJV is inerrant and perfect because they don’t believe God preserved his word.

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