FWOTW: martincookministries.homestead.com

Welcome to the website of Martin “Marty” Cook. Marty is real mensch as evidenced by his list of wins at the bottom of his home page including Over 5,000 professions of faith and a personal high bus attendance of 360. You can also peruse his list of favorite bus kids names, some poetry about bus kids, and Gospel magic that one would assume he performs for bus kids.

It was also from his links page that I learned about this cool new search engine named “Google.” I’ll definitely have to check that out.

91 thoughts on “FWOTW: martincookministries.homestead.com”

        1. They try sometimes and I’ll find them all over the room, but I bring them back together, give them a Coke and make them sing, “I’d like to teach the world to sing…” πŸ˜‰

  1. This looks like a website designed around 1996. If you are going to have a actual website, please get someone that knows web design to put it together. This looks totally amateur.

    1. He needs to hire an editor too. The man shouldn’t have ever graduated from college (or high school IMO) with such incredibly poor grammar and writing skills.

  2. “Mary is real mensch”? Yes, I know it can be used generally to mean something like “human being” or “good person” but it literally means “man”. In which case “Mary” may have some gender confusion issues.

    1. It was evidently a typo for “Marty” (a man), but “Mensch” can actually refer to a woman. “Human being” is a better translation of “Mensch.” (Colloquially, it often means a good or kind person.)
      “Man” is German or Yiddish is “Mann.” (I’m capitalizing it because German capitalizes all nouns. Yiddish is written with Hebrew characters, and I’m not going to attempt it.)

    1. So are Candy and Ginger. I mean, yes, they’re kind of funny names and I wouldn’t want to be saddled with one of them, but still, they don’t seem all THAT unusual.

      In other news, there’s a boy that goes to the children’s meetings in the church my aunt and uncle were part of in Pachuca, Mexico. His real name is normal, but the poor boy’s nickname, which is used by everybody, is Pollito… little chicken! Always thought that was about the worst name you could get. πŸ˜†

  3. I see his counter is up to 1020! He is really making a difference on the interwebs!

    Any time you see that “Fundamental Top 500” and the “Baptist Top 1,000” symbols on a web site, chances are pretty high you are dealing with a kook. And I know they rate a lot more than 500 or a 1,000 sites, because I have seen those lots of times.

    1. I was wondering that too. I know fundies sometimes have trouble with numbers (It only happened 1 time when she was 18, your Honor) but exactly how many websites are on the top 500?

      Related question: why does the top 500 always have that outline of Billy Sunday? Don’t they know he wasn’t Baptist?

  4. 3 John 1:14 says …..Great the friends BY NAME Im just glad my parents didnt tag me with something like this, (sic)

    george says this is not his work, that Marty did all this on his own.

  5. oh no. I wondered when it would happen. I know Marty personally. I went to school with his daughter. Liberty Baptist Church (or Tabernacle, depending on who you’re talking to) is a more successful, better attended IFB in the same town in which my father’s congregation is located. Dad is on faculty at Atlanta Baptist College. eek.

  6. Well, let’s see…. we have the obligatory crappy site that Bubba designed because Angelfire taught him how to make a free site a LONG time ago.

    We have the obligatory IFB thumbnails that must occupy a proper fundy site, complete with Billy Sunday image lest we forget our roots.

    We must remind the world AGAIN what Bible we use.

    We must give a shoutout to our alma mater, because that pretty much tells everyone our preaching style and what men we worship.

    And, lest someone overlook the resume button, they can always click on the star at the bottom which will also give details to HOW GREAT WE ARE.

    And, lastly, we must paint the whole thing the shade of vomit, so that when someone throws up on the screen, they can still view the page in its original hue.

    1. “And, lastly, we must paint the whole thing the shade of vomit, so that when someone throws up on the screen, they can still view the page in its original hue.”
      Whatever is the equivalent of a butt-cushion, that you may want to have, just LMK, because you win it for this statement. Love it. πŸ˜†

  7. His site was prob designed by one of the church teenagers since they usually are free labor…at least until they become Bible College students, which in that case then PAY to labor for you. πŸ˜‰

  8. Wow, I find out amazing things here! Did you know I wrote a very popular blog post about my (given) name? (Although I am white, it tends to be a “black” name, and I wrote about that experience.)

    So, first I find out that I was what is known as a “bus kid” and then I find out they were laughing at our names! :mrgreen: I have to say, though, I really do prefer “Gee Officer Krupke” to the poem about how daddy drinks… well yes, he did, but can’t we have a funny song about that instead? πŸ™„ (Aside: I have noticed that the fundy sense of humor, while not entirely nonexistent… seems somewhat OFF, to the rest of us.)

    Song starts at 1:38, for those who want OUR version of being bus kids: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq28qCklEHc πŸ˜€

        1. BTW, I am 54, and my name is of my time period… so I deliberately didn’t use it (also, as I said, it identifies me very quickly… in fact, some of you from the Greenville/BJU area might know me immediately). I really wanted people to “fill in the blank” with a name THEY consider “black”–but that seems to have driven some people completely insane. They DEMANDED to know, and the few people I did tell (or who already knew me) announced “the name isn’t THAT black!”–which is EXACTLY why I didn’t want to get bogged down in the particulars. (I already noticed, if you read comments, that in certain areas of the USA, it is more of a black name that in other areas… obviously, geography matters.) I noticed if they could argue my premise (whether it was a black name or not), they thought they didn’t have to listen to the points I was making. πŸ™„

        2. Daisy, your blog post reminded me of two things: Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” and Steve Martin in “The Jerk.” Good times.

      1. Don’t give them any ideas.

        If they start giving out cookies with their diplomas, they will exponentially skyrocket their graduation numbers to say, 6.

        1. Natalie, I know you don’t come ’round these parts much anymore, but the crumbs from a gluten-free, soy-free, sodium-free, fat-free, dairy-free stale cookie you got on the discount rack at the local dollar store would be worth more than an unaccredited ‘degree’ from a basement bible kawlij.

    1. It is not a completely foolproof method but I have found the squiggly red and green lines to be a useful proxy to establish the degree of fundieness a person might exhibit.
      The more squiggly lines, the more fundy the person is. If every word is underlined with either red or green the chances are very good that the writer is a Bible College graduate.

  9. Ahem, NO, of course I don’t find it creepy the picture of a young girl then the weirdo clown graphic, then him making fun of the kid’s nicknames and their intelligence/personality. Don’t all people in ministry make fun of those they “serve”?? And really, when these guys name their “ministries” after themselves it is the height of humility… I only looked at the names part and am not going to look at the rest of the site because I already feel that feeling in my tummy. 😈 πŸ‘Ώ

    1. I don’t know about that. The “after” photo has a maniacal smile, similar to The Joker on the Batman movies.

      Interesting how he switches from third person to first person in that testimony.

      1. I just had a friend tell me of our last evangelist’s testimony that he gave to a group of men and it is strangely similar: “was going places got a bad injury, had time for the Lord to work on his heart” and bam he knew he wanted to be in the ministry, etc. I know God does use times like this to get our attention yet given the “soulwinning” stories and how they sound fake and borrowed it made me wonder about testimonies. I’m just sayin…

    2. And his wife has a “servant’s heart” – someone call the FBI, we have a murderer here.

      Seriously, is it just me or is that a repulsive thing to say about your wife?

  10. I just love these sites that have the “fundamentalist top 500” and “Baptist top 1000” stickers on the side. Where do they buy those things? Christian top 1000 is a new one to me, doesn’t seem to go with the other two, seems too inclusive.

    Reminds me of Jesus telling people to come to a banquest and taking the lower seat instead of assuming to take the highest seat because of their importance.

  11. I love these shrines to self from guys who want to list all the church’s accomplishments as their own. I mean, he *does* have a link to the official church website, but this is just his own personal brag book. Ahhhh time for some fresh air I think.

  12. Why does his site only take up half of the screen?

    And I’m sure he asked the parents permission before he used all those kids’ pictures and names on his site for self promotion as well.

      1. 800px is my preferred size of a website, and I have a monitor 1920 pixels wide πŸ™‚

        anything bigger than 960 that isn’t a blog with many columns makes text lines too long to read.

    1. He is an honestly nice guy. Even though I don’t claim to be fundy anymore in their style, I am a product of many of the same people or their peers. And his Gospel Magic isn’t too bad. I’ve seen a lot that is really poorly done. His is well practiced and good. Many of his tricks fit well as object lessons in his messages.

      Not to take away from the cheesiness of the cheddar colored web site.

  13. Only thing missing is the title Doctor. He should send away for one of those, or talk to a buddy for an honorary one. “Dr. Marty Cook”.

  14. Looking at the photos on his home page, you will see that he is baptizing a kid while wearing waders. He is obviously pretty happy to dunk someone so long as he stays dry. Kinda weird…

    1. That’s not too unusual in churches that practice immersion baptism, especially if the preacher has to preach afterwards. One time a preacher of mine came in to preach with one pant leg wet after a baptism. The whole congregation cracked up when he said that his waders sprang a leak, and he didn’t have any dry pants to wear! πŸ˜†

    2. When I got baptized and I saw that the pastor was wearing those with his suitcoat on top of it I started laughing and I don’t think he appreciated it and he had really bad breath.

  15. My first wife and her family were charter members of Liberty Baptist Church in Stockbridge, GA. We were married there by the pastor. We’re divorced now and by God’s grace I’ve been delivered from the fungus known as Independent Baptist Fundamentalism.

  16. I was very sad to click the link and discover the site is no longer available. I could have used another giggle, but the comments here were pretty funny so I will make do with what I have.

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