Once upon a time a missionary returned from service on the mission field and brought with him many strange and curious artifacts with which to shock and awe the people in his supporting churches. But as it happened among the colorful maps and other knickknacks which the missionary purchased at a local tourist shop for $6.99 there was also an evil statue which had been cursed (blessed?) by a local witch doctor. And that evil remained.
So it came to pass that when the missionary set up this statue upon his missionary display it caused many strange things to begin happening in the church building. Lights began to flicker, toilets would flush spontaneously, and the huge portrait of the senior pastor which hung in the vestibule would randomly be found upside down.
Thankfully there was a wise associate pastor in this church who recognized these as the sure signs of demon activity. Upon inquiring of the missionary about his artifacts, they removed the offending statue and set it ablaze in the parking lot whereupon were observed billows of green smoke, fiendish screams, and the neighbors calling the fire department.
So heed this lesson well and bring not back to these shores items blessed by the heathen. For St. Paul may have told us that an idol is nothing but they can still makes for a great story.
Stories like these used to give me nightmares as a kid.
haha I’m with Emily. I heard so many of these kind of stories growing up.
Ha ha! at: “huge portrait of the senior pastor which hung in the vestibule would randomly be found upside down.”
I’m glad to know that my fundy church isn’t the only one that displayed this type of “art.”
We have a sort of etching of the founding pastor in the entrance…
It just occurred to me that most fundy sermon illustrations could also, with just a little tweaking, be the premises of Abbott and Costello movies.
HEEEEEEEY! Abbott, D’you hear about that one statue?
Or the Three Stooges.
Superstition, “Christian”-craft, and the fates are alive, well and prospering in Fundyland… seeing how such a small weak anemic powerless god can’t handle the power of the Medicine Man’s MoJo or Madam Rue’s love Potion #9.. as with most things fundy they are left to “do it dem selves.” Gawd just don’t see to be the same since Mt. Carmel.
Glad I no longer serve that god.
So, which one of the pastors was in communion with “the dark side”? Was the associate pastor (the younger, less experienced man) trying to show up the Senior Man O’Gid? Or was the Senior Man O’Gid blinded by the influences of the TV and internet in his life used for “research”? And how could the missionary have had an effective ministry while having a curse in tow?
it makes sense that the demons would feel at home at a fundy church…
JORDAN: “It just occurred to me that most fundy sermon illustrations could also, with just a little tweaking, be the premises of Abbott and Costello movies.”
Jordan, I’m dying over that observation. May I quote you?
Is this an actual illustration that was heard?
If there’s something strange
in your Baptistry!
Who ya gonna call?
@Don: ROFLOL!
Who ya gonna call?
The Pastor!
The Pastor!
“He ain’t afraid of no, uh, tiki thing.”
And that’s where the Ghostbusters jokes break down.
With my own ears on more than one occasion.
@BASSENCO: LOL go for it!
@ Amanda Better send in the “A-Team”
Of course in this illustration it was the second string that got the Job done….
btw everyone knows that green fire burns hotter, it probably fused the gravel in the parking lot into the shape of a pentagram (with the points back within the circle) now that Asst. Pastor Damien closed that portal….. It’s just a “Thriller!”
This is a little off subject, but it is sort of along the lines of the innocent missionary inadvertantly putting himself under demonic oppression. My mom would admonish us to never make up nonsense words to say because we might be swearing in another language.
What a lot of guilt and fear comes along with the teachings I was under as a child!
More like the Brady Bunch Hawaiian vacation episodes!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCKF98pIxZQ
“Instead of enjoying their Hawaiian vacation to the fullest, Alice, Greg, Jan, and Peter have all fallen victim from the “bad luck” power of Bobby’s mysterious Tiki idol. After convincing themselves that the Tiki idol does bring bad luck, the boys consult Mr. Hanalei, a superstitious islander, for more information on the idol’s origins. The boys then decide to make an attempt of returning the Tiki idol back to the burial ground from where it came, hoping that once this task is complete, their streak of bad luck will finally come to an end! Vincent Price guest stars as Professor Hubert Whitehead”
@Jordan M. Poss
I tweeted you!
@usedtobefundy……you beat me to it. That is exactly what I was thinking of, the Brady Bunch Hawiian vacation episode.
But it is true! The demonic prsence turned Robert Reed gay.
I haven’t ever heard this one…wow, just wow. I still have a hard time believing it is real, but I’ve heard so many other crazy ones that it wouldn’t surprise me.
I’m REALLY, REALLY, starting to believe they just recycle all their stories and jokes and sermons, etc. Who knows if any of it ever actually happened to anyone?
It’s those things fundies can’t control that they are most afraid of. It would never cross their minds to be afraid of pride, arrogance or presumption. Except, of course, when they find it in others.
@ Don “btw everyone knows that green fire burns hotter”
No, no, the hottest fire burns BLACK – that’s how hell can be so hot yet be pitch black.
Has any of you heard about the guy interviewed on the John Ankerberg show about the KJV and other Bible versions? Wasn’t this a demonic spirit coming from the Lord to silence him? What do you got to say to that?!?!
@Tony
This.
They never thought to sell it for $$$$ to some godless liberal art collector?
I vividly recall my parents throwing away the “Kachina” doll that was a part of our Missions Board display. My dad was convinced the doll (a Jicarilla Apache creation) was responsible for the (bald) front tire of our truck going flat, our travel trailer nearly catching on fire, and several other mishaps. Wow, this sure brings back some cray Fundy memories…
To clarify, though, I’m pretty sure they didn’t burn the doll. IIRC, I believe they returned it by mail to the woman from whom we borrowed it.
When I was a teenager I worked at a Christian bookstore, so I got to know many of the local pastors. One time a man came in and had quite a large order. We were making small talk, and he suddenly became very stern and asked me if I liked Harry Potter. I instantly became guarded, but was able to answer “no” honestly (I can no longer say that 🙂 ). He eased a little, then leaned in close to tell me a story. Apparently his grandson had been given a Harry Potter video movie (no joke), and this man immediately recognized it for the evil it was. He took his grandson and the movie out somewhere and set fire to it – but it wouldn’t burn. I stifled a laugh at this point. Apparently God then told this man-o-gawd that if he put lighter fluid on it, it would burn – and what do you know, it did. He stood up straight, obviously impressed with himself. I think I just muttered that I found that interesting and hurriedly finished ringing up his order.
The ‘supposed demonic item that won’t burn’ story seems to go around a lot. A few months ago I got into it with a lady who claimed one time to have thrown a Ouija board into a fire, with the usual not-burning result. I told her that it didn’t burn because commercial Ouija boards are made from masonite, which burns at a much higher temperature. I explained to her that it’s the same stuff used in the interior doors in her home (specifically because it’s harder to burn) and I also showed her a chessboard made from the same material. Then I asked her if that meant her doors or the game of chess were demonic. She refuses to speak to me now.
I thought Christians were supposed to be the people who DON’T believe in pagan gods?
Silly me.
That’s what my Bible teaches too. I wonder about this ‘spiritual warfare’ nonsense. Some of these people spend so much time ‘rebuking Satan’ that I wonder if the whole thing is a scam set up by the adversary to gain more attention. The Bible says that we contend not with flesh and blood…yet these people are obsessed with physical idols. About one step removed from dropping dead when the shaman points a bone at you if you ask me.
Sorry if this is a year and a half late, but I noted that this illustration is startlingly similar to the story of when the Ark of the Covenant was brought to the temple of Dagon in Gaza: The great idol fell, broken and prostrate before the Ark. Short version: God was superior to the pagan spirits. By comparison, this illustration makes it appear that God is inferior to the spirits. Not a good sign.
Or…
God is nowhere to be found in some churches.
“and the huge portrait of the senior pastor which hung in the vestibule would randomly be found upside down”
I wonder if those pagan spirits had a little help from someone who just couldn’t resist? 😈 😆