Friday Challenge: Truth In Hymnody

The challenge today is to rewrite (or invent) hymn titles to demonstrate fundamentalist reality.

Here are a few to start…

Break Thou The Purely Symbolic Matzo Cracker Of Life

When We Baptists Get To Heaven

Blessed Be the Standards That Bind

Blindly Trust And Obey Without Thinking

Revive Us Again, and Again, and Again, and…

121 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Truth In Hymnody”

  1. Marvelous wrath of our vengeful Lord

    Will fill in the rest of the verses later, currently at work and dont have a hymnal in front of me.

    You brother in Gid

    mbi2000

  2. do you e’er think / you should see a head-shrink
    tell it to pastor / tell it to pastor
    do you seek to / be assigned a help-meat
    tell it to pastor alone

    tell it to pastor
    tell it to pastor
    he has an hon’ry de-greeee

    he’s no training / except in berating
    tell it to pastor alone

    this has potential… stay tuned…

  3. Parodying the Hymnal is one of the few games every MK I know has played. During one preacher’s meeting, after singing our songs, my sister and I sat in the back and made it all the way through the Baptist Hymnal.

    It looked something like this. Warning, there’s nearly 500 titles, which is why I did not post, here.

  4. My humble contribution:

    At the Altar
    (to the tune of “Nothing But the Blood”)
    1
    What can wash away my guilt?
    Nothing like a trip to the altar;
    Why can’t men wear the Kilt?
    Don’t want to see that at the altar.

    Chorus:
    To the preacher’s feet we go
    Have to feed his e-go-oh;
    Success in the numbers don’t you know,
    It’s the weekly trip to the altar.

    2
    This my sin, it can’t be hid,
    Requires another trip to the altar;
    I had a bad thought about the man of gid,
    Better get down to the altar

    3
    Once this week I sat to pee,
    Better get right at the altar;
    Missed three days of my KJV,
    Oh, sinner run to gid at the altar.

    4
    Root beer from a dark bottle is what I craved,
    better get started for the altar;
    Pastor saw me with it now I gotta get re-saved,
    He says I have to ‘git’ to the altar.

    5
    They just found out I post on SFL
    Oh, sinner git right at the altar;
    They are praying to save my soul from hell
    Preacher’s called ‘em down to the altar.

  5. Who can tell me what to do?
    No one but my church’s pastor!
    Who can guide me out of sin?
    No one but my church’s pastor!

    Oh, precious is the man,
    that’s lead by God’s hand!
    No other ‘thority!
    No one but my church’s pastor!
    ———
    I hear Bill Gothard say,
    Thy strength indeed is small
    Find a prayer closet and stay
    until you’ve confessed it all!

    Gothard’s got it all!
    All authority!
    Cabbage patch is pure evil,
    so throw those dolls away!
    ——–
    On a hill far away, was an old KJV
    the pure inspir’d Word of God.
    And I love that old book
    Where those preachers have signed
    when they spoke at revival for me.

    So I’ll cling to that old KJV
    Till other translations are thrown.
    Yes I’ll cling to that old KJV
    and exchange it someday for a crown.
    ————-
    ‘Tis so sweet to trust in pastor,
    Just to take Him at His word;
    Just to rest upon His promise;
    Just to know, Thus saith the Lord.

    pastor, pastor, how I trust Him,
    How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er,
    pastor, pastor, Precious pastor!
    O for grace to trust Him more.

  6. This is a work in progress. Any help you want to give will be appreciated.

    Master, the Joneses are raging,
    The hemlines are rising high,
    The hair on the boys is frightening,
    O help us to God draw nigh.
    Carest Thou not that we suffer,
    How cans’t Thou do nothing?
    When each dean in the admin building
    Is ready demerits to give.

    The people waiting in the DC line
    Say, “Please, be still,”
    Whether the wrath of the dean of men
    Or dean of students or dean of women
    No wrath can compare to the president
    Or to the chancellor himself.
    They all will screamingly get pissed off,
    “What say you? How say you?”
    “How dare you not obey authority?!”
    “Please, leave this campus.”

  7. O little town of *Greenville

    *change name to the appropriate one for your camp, e.g., Pensacola, Hammond, etc.

    O little town of *Greenville
    How still we see thee lie
    Above thy campus buildings
    The preacher stars go by
    Yet in thy dark streets shineth
    The everlasting light
    The hopes and fears of all the years
    Are met in thee tonight

  8. I’m trying to figure out some alternate lyrics to “he touched me” the start is a fabulous fundy guilt trip o rama. “Shackled by a heavy burden/’Neath a load of care & shame”, obv would need an altar call or a preacher to “touch” me at that point… Lil help someone?

  9. Are you worried ’bout a sex scandal?
    Tell it to Pastor! Tell it to Pastor!
    Have suspicions ’bout the youth director?
    Tell it to Pastor, alone!

    Tell it to Pastor,
    Tell it to Pastor!
    He will keep it unknown!
    Don’t tell the cops, or a news reporter,
    Tell it to Pastor, alone!

  10. Bwah! Don’s “Nothing but The Blood” made me crack up. I loved the sitting down to pee line!

    Have Thine Own Way:
    Have Thine Own Way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
    Thou are the Appointed / I am the Mindless Idiot
    Mold me to love those that read the KJV
    And hate those who read the NIV (or especially The Message)

    Have thine own way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
    Search me and try me, Master, today!
    Five Hundred people, will I so lead
    In 1-2-3 Pray after Me (Or I will not eat)

    Have thine own way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
    I will never admit that I’ve had a bad day
    Everything is always so wonderful
    When you attend First Baptist in Hammond (on every Sunday mornin’, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Monday night and Thursday night visitation, Saturday soulwinnin’)

    Have thine own way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
    Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
    I am a drone, my skirt shall not fray
    I shall believe everything you say!

  11. @ Mo Re Mi lol…. I guess that make me “La Ti Don?” That sounds so metrosexual …. so now all we need now is a “Fa So.” 🙂

    Yes this is the mostest fun I’ve had in a while! Instant Classic! Bravo Darrell, Bravo! (opera clap)

  12. @ darrell, forgetting our families can be sung to the tune of bringing in the sheeves:D whats sad is tht i am singing the tune for most of these in m head while i am singing them! lol

  13. I’ve a story to tell to the deacons,
    That will cover everything up;
    A story my pastor came u-up with,
    A story that’s pretty goo-ood,
    A story that’s pretty good!

    And the cops won’t ever be called,
    And my parents will ne’er find out;
    And Preacher can keep on preaching,
    And thousands more will be saved!

  14. He Touched Me

    Shackled by a heavy burden,
    ‘neath a load of guilt and shame;
    When the hand of Pastor touched me,
    And now, I’m going to be insane.

    He touched me, O, He touched me,
    And O, the fear that floods my soul,
    Something happened, and now I know,
    He touched me, and scarred my soul.

  15. As your Fear looketh for some comfort
    You can trust he’ll find it here.
    Come forward and tell your PC
    You can trust he’ll have your rear.

    He alone is your confidant
    He’ll tell your dorm sup(e) and forgive you not……..

    As your fear looketh for some comfort
    You can trust he’ll find it here.

  16. After laughing my head off, I had to point something out. I was raised in the extreme fundie Church of Christ, and while we all thought you all were going to hell, the similarities between us are crazy-scary…similar. 😛 I’ll bet the only difference between us and you were the names on our churches. And we never were allowed to use the name “pastor”. And we changed the words on most of these hymns to make them “doctrinally correct”. 🙄

  17. I must tell pastor

    1. I must tell pastor all of my problems
    I cannot bear these problems alone
    Pastor will tell me to read my Bible
    I don’t need meds or psychology

    Chorus:
    I must tell pastor, I must tell pastor
    Pastor will help I’m sure that he will
    I must tell pastor, I must tell pastor
    Pastor will help yes he fits the bill

    2. I went to Pastor with all of my troubles
    I thought he’d listen and help me out
    He didn’t listen or seem to care
    He interrupted, began to shout

    Chorus:
    I just told pastor, I just told pastor
    What was I thinking, that was just dumb
    I just told pastor, I just told pastor
    What was I thinking, now I am numb

  18. Fundy is as Fundy does. Changing the words to make a hymn “doctrinally correct” is a time-honored tradition in all of Fundy-land. Parody suggests you think too well to stay there.

    Here is a little lyric my mother (of blessed memory) wrote many years ago:

    Put your hand in the fan and you’ll probably lose a finger
    Put your foot in the fan and you’ll probably lose a toe
    Put your face in the fan and you will look at others differently
    Put your body in the fan and change your anatomy

  19. Sung to the tune of Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

    There’s upon my plate a meldly
    pasta, rice, and vegetables
    get the ladle, pour vast quantities
    of that savory stuff on my plate.

    Cheese Sauce! Cheese Sauce! Cheese Sauce!
    Greatest stuff I know!
    Tops my macaroni
    my fettucine alfredo!

  20. This from one of my theology profs in Bible college in the 70s:

    My hope is built on nothing less
    Than Scofield notes and Scripture Press

    (and that’s all he wrote)

  21. (Sung to the tune of Jesus Loves the Little Children)

    Pastor hates the Southern Baptist,
    Luthurans and Methodists too…
    They deny the KJV,
    Listen to rock, and watch movies
    But Pastor hates former members most of all!

  22. His Eye is on…Me! (His Eye is on the Sparrow)

    Sometimes I feel discouraged,
    Sometimes the shadows come,
    Sometimes my mind gets worried,
    I wish it was time to go home!
    If Jesus is my portion,
    My constant Friend is He,
    Why does the pastor bug me?
    ‘Cause I know he watches me!
    I know I’m right with Jesus!
    But the pastor’s watching me!

    “You know your heart is sinful!”
    His ranting voice I hear,
    “Grace only for salvation;
    Your works will keep you here.
    But you won’t wear your culottes,
    I see your N…I…V.”
    It’s time for the invitation,
    And I know he’s watching me.
    Will someone else please go forward!
    ‘Cause I know he’s watching me!

    When e’er the sermon’s over
    And the song leader does arise
    When “Just as I Am” starts playing,
    Then hope within me dies.
    We’re here for fifteen more verses,
    Unless I go forward on three,
    And I’ll save you all from starvation,
    ‘Cause I know he’s watching me.
    You all go home to your dinners,
    ‘Cause the preacher’s watching me.

  23. (two variations on the potluck theme)

    hold the fork! for I’m still eating
    sayeth pastor chuck
    save me some potatoe salad
    from this bless’d potluck

    —————————
    (and from victory in Jesus:)

    o hickory smoked sausage
    I’ll have some / for dinner

    (now I’ve got mocker’s block… can’t figure out where to go with this one)

  24. (Again sung to the tune of Jesus Loves the Little Children)

    Pastor preaches against long hair
    CCM and drum sets too
    Is your clothing up to snuff?
    Will you ever be good enough?
    Pastor will throw all your sins back at you!

  25. (Jesus Loves the Little Children)

    Pastor wants me to go to church
    Twice Sunday, Wednesday too.
    As if that were not enough
    Saturday mornings were made ruff
    Visitation is what we all had to do!

  26. (Jesus Loves the Little Children)

    Pastor wants us all in college
    Only the church college will do
    Forget all your ambition
    Pastor’s got himself a vision
    Record enrollment is the goal of the day!

  27. (Jesus Loves the Little Children)

    Pastor says we need a banquet
    Wants another building or two
    Will the fundraising ever stop?
    We keep going into hock.
    Retirement is getting farther away!

  28. (Jesus Loves the Little Children)

    Its Pastor’s vision we follow
    And do what we are told to do
    The umbrella of protection
    Often used just like a weapon
    Drink the Kool-Aid so you will not have a clue!

  29. Another conference at church
    Suddenly it is “eight to thrive”
    Mom working and daycare is bad
    But church nursery makes God glad
    No matter if the family is deprived!

  30. I Love to Tell the Story

    I love to tell the story
    of the rebellious teen;
    who stole the family car
    after drinking Listerine;
    He’d heard the gospel often,
    but he never got saved;
    His car flipped on the highway,
    with his brains the road he paved.

    (chorus)
    I love to tell the story,
    T’will be the same in Glory;
    To tell the old, old story,
    Evangelists always tell.

    I love to tell the story
    of missionary kids,
    who played their Steve Green CDs
    and watched Amy Grant vids;
    The natives came in horror,
    to hear the devil’s songs,
    they’d played the same old drum beats,
    back when they wore their thongs.

    (chorus)

    I love to tell the story
    of all the folks I’ve saved,
    in all the towns I preach in,
    I bring in the depraved;
    I’ve won so many gold crowns,
    I’m holier than you;
    You should be asham-ed
    at the little that you do.

    (chorus)

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