Friday Challenge: Truth In Hymnody

The challenge today is to rewrite (or invent) hymn titles to demonstrate fundamentalist reality.

Here are a few to start…

Break Thou The Purely Symbolic Matzo Cracker Of Life

When We Baptists Get To Heaven

Blessed Be the Standards That Bind

Blindly Trust And Obey Without Thinking

Revive Us Again, and Again, and Again, and…

121 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Truth In Hymnody”

  1. The Solid Sermon

    My sermon is built on nothing less/ than my good works and faithfulness.
    I dare not reference that author’s name/ when I can say something that sounds the same.

    Trip to Pastor’s School

    When we all get to Hammond/ What a day of rejoicing that will be.
    When we all see Hyles (or a 40′ mural)/ We’ll sing and shout the victory!

    1. “I dare not reference that author’s name/ when I can say something that sounds the same.”

      Yes,yes,yes!!!

      I remember when the music/youth pastor in Lancaster did time management lectures and never credited Steven Covey with the time management matrix that was the foundation for his lecture.

  2. Eternal Father, Strong to Save Those Who Pray The Prayer and Really Mean It
    Go Tell It On the Mountain With a Chalk Talk or a Bullhorn
    Marvelous Grace of Our Loving Lord For Salvation Only
    More About Jesus Would I Memorize in Short, Out of Context Portions
    The Comforter Has Come Though Still In Guilt We Live

    On the other hand, some hymn titles don’t need to be changed at all:
    Carry Your Cross With a Smile
    Mansion Over the Hilltop
    Onward, Christian Soldiers

  3. @ Josh – for hymn titles that don’t need to be changed, how about “Oh, What a Wonderful, Wonderful Day, Day I Will Never Forget”? I can sing the entire first verse and chorus by memory, but I always felt HORRIBLE singing it because I’d asked Jesus to forgive my sins when I was a child and I COULDN’T REMEMBER THE DAY!

  4. my IFB version of “A Mighty Fortress is our God”

    A mighty fortress is our Church, a bulwark never failing;
    Our helper It, amid the flood of moral ills prevailing:
    Our women still wear skirts, Our men wear ties and shirts;
    Our bus ministry is big, we are armed with the 1611 KJV,
    On earth is not our equal.

  5. On the last:

    Great things He hath taught us, great things He hath done,
    And great our rejoicing through KJV alone;
    But purer, and higher, and greater will be
    Our wonder, our transport, when we burn NIV.

  6. Rescue the perishing, care for the dying..because its all up to you, you lazy ingrate.

    He leadeth me, O blessed thot! o words with condemnation frought! Whate’er I do, where’er I be, still tis my pastor’s hand that leadeth me!

    All Hail the power of my pastors name, let angels prostrate fall! Bring forth the royal diadem and crown him lord of all! ( Then break into a chorus of ” We love you preacher, we really do! We don’t love anybody as much as YOU!)

  7. God’s Final Call (until tonight)

    Almost Persuaded
    Now to believe;
    Almost Persuaded
    Pray unto me.
    Seems now the preacher dear
    Wants you to shed a tear
    We will keep standing here
    Until you come!

  8. Now turn to page 334 in the Baptist Hymnal* and we’ll all sing that favorite “Blessed Assurance”

    1. Blessed assurance, I’m right all the time!
    Oh, what a foretaste, it’s almost like wine!
    (Short) Hair of Hammond, purchased PhD,
    Born of His chosen, dunked in the baptistry.
    * Refrain:
    This is my story, this is my song,
    Reading KJV all the day long;
    This is my story, this is my song,
    Six-teen-e–VENN… all else is wrong

    2. Perfect submission, fit for a wife,
    Pre-tribulation rapture, like “Thief in the Night”;
    Watching and waiting, looking above,
    Those who would question are lost without love.

    On the last
    3. Perfect for doctrine, forget all the rest,
    Only the King James, inerrant and blest,
    Pastors all sweating, bring from above
    Shouts of damnation, whispers of love.

    *You can double-check me, but I think I am right on the page number

  9. I Want to See My Pastor First of All

    This Little Light of Mine Doesn’t Count ‘Cause it’s Not A Baptist Light

    Serve for the Night is Coming When You Can Work Some More

    Hear Ye the Pastor’s Call
    Give me your best
    Give all the great not small
    This is a test

    O Victory in Jesus, my Savior until I leave this church for another

  10. Blessed Mic Feedback (to Blessed Quietness)

    @Dan Keller’s is my fave so far. Works on several levels, could be accusing someone of being imbibers, could be some other sin they are doing, or the fact their sin is making the singer rage. They all work! BRAVO!

  11. Forget our Families

    Sermon Sunday morning
    Sermon Sunday evening
    Sermon Wednesday evening
    Then pray upon our knees
    Visitation Thursday
    And again on Saturday
    Seems we’d rather be here
    Than with our families!

    Forget our families
    We’re busier than bees
    We never talk ’cause we’re in
    Fifty ministries!

  12. @Camille:

    I always heard it this way:

    I was sinking deep in sin,
    Having a grand old time.
    Then the dorm sup. turned me in,
    Now I’m in DC line.
    Dean of Women, Dean of Men,
    Heard my despairing cry,
    From the campus lifted me,
    Now home am I.

  13. Rusting Away

    Verse 1:
    When we come to the church
    Hear the pastor besmirch
    Other pastors and teachers today
    While we do his good will
    He will smile on us still
    While our poor brains are rusting away

    Refrain:
    Rusting away
    From the crap he doth say
    All opinion; nothing deeper
    So we’re rusting away

    Verse 2:
    His stories are all flimsy
    His doctrine is pure whimsy
    His knowledge, like his hair, is quite thin
    But he’ll rant and he’ll yell
    “Johnny Mac’s going to hell!”
    While are brains are still rusting away

    Chorus
    singing hymns

  14. The church’s one foundation is the 1611 KJV,
    And those who read the “NasBee” are heretics to me.
    From heaven it came perfected, each “hast” and “verily.”
    We actually don’t read it; just trash the NIV.

  15. Forget our Families

    Sermon Sunday morning
    Sermon Sunday evening
    Sermon Wednesday evening
    Then pray upon our knees
    Visitation Thursday
    And again on Saturday
    Seems we’d rather be here
    Than with our families!

    Forget our families
    We’re busier than bees
    We never talk ’cause we’re in
    Fifty ministries!

    I’m writing a tune to this as we speak.

  16. I’d found a friend, oh, such a friend! Our love was true and fervant.
    Then I heard she liked the NIV* , now I think she’s Satan’s servant.
    And from my heart I’ll cast her out; I quickly did unfriend her.
    For she’s not really one of us but an evangelical pretender.

    * Alternate verses: she liked Harry Potter

  17. Sweet 5 Minutes of Prayer
    There’s a New Name Written Down in Pencil(on erasable bond)
    Take My Life and Leave Me Be
    There’s Room on the Bus for You (I heard Wally Beebe sing this!)

    You Must Open the Door
    “You must open the door, you must open the door.
    He’s done all he can do; now it’s all up to you.
    You must open the door.”

  18. Life has terror now it never had before.
    There is panic ev’ry day and even more.
    For a standard that I cannot keep is mine.
    Since I’ve signed my soul upon the dotted line.

    Chorus:

    O it is wonderful to be a fundy!
    O it is wonderful to be obsessed.
    O it is wonderful to have your sins belabored
    O it is wonderful to be accused, beaten down and evermore oppressed.

    And someday I’ll go through heaven’s shining gate.
    And I’ll have to live with those I really hate.
    So my Chick tracts I’ll bring with me when I go,
    Just in case there’s someone there who doesn’t know.

    Chorus

  19. @ Rob – haha! Unless “Faith of our Trail of Blood, Baptist-only Fathers” because I think that song was originally written by a Catholic!

    @ Pita: Great song!

    I’m enjoying this!

  20. I come to the old fashioned altar alone,
    While the rest of them stay in their pew and disobey,
    And the moan I hear falling on my ear,
    Is someone whispering they’re going to be late to the buffet

  21. Wonderful Grace of Jesus -> Where-is-the Grace of Jesus
    Jesus Loves Me -> Pastor Loves Me
    Oh to be like Thee -> Oh to Be like Pastor
    Amazing Grace -> Saving Face

  22. Another Verse (Just as I am)

    Another verse, we’ve just started 2
    If someone goes forward, then we’ll be through
    I went last time – how about you?
    Surprise – we’re going to verse 3.
    Whoopee.

    Another verse – is this number 3?
    My feet are tired, I have to pee
    If I crack my lids, I just can see
    Oh, man – are we done yet?
    Not yet.

    Another verse, we’re now on verse 4
    So tired that I could sleep on the floor
    How soon until we head for the door?
    Oh, crap – are we done yet?
    Not yet

    Another verse. Forgot there were 5
    My legs are so numb, they don’t feel alive
    This is just one of “three to thrive”
    This week. Are we done yet?
    Not yet.

    Another verse. Here comes verse 6
    I could go for some pizza and breadsticks
    Instead I’m standing here with these hicks
    Is this the end of the set?
    Not yet.

    Another verse. So glad we’re on 7
    At least this song hasn’t got 11
    Hope that this thing isn’t sung in heaven
    Oh crap – it’s back to verse 1.
    Not done.

  23. @Darrell Lots of great entries, but I think you couldn’t make any other decision but to select KoB. I’m looking forward to the first Singspriation under his/her leadership! 🙂

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