The teams are chosen, the date is fixed, and all that remains before the Superbowl is hearing your favorite fundy preacher bloviate about how wicked it all is.

10. Those players should be in church!

9. Your posters on your bedroom wall should be a pastor or missionary not some cursing, fornicating sports star.

8. Why don’t people get as excited about soulwinning as they do about football?

7. The rock and roll debauchery of the halftime shows just shows how far America has fallen.

6. At the Great White Throne Judgement, Jesus isn’t going to care how far you could throw a football. He’s going to ask you how much you tithed.

5. What if we spent all the money that we pay those football teams on missions instead?

4. You all will go to a ball game and scream and yell but you come to church and I can’t hardly get you to say “amen” or get excited at all!

3. Those cheerleaders are immodest harlots. And you men who lust after them should be ashamed of yourselves.

2. Most of you aren’t going to listen to a thing I said here and you’re going to run straight home and put the game on.

1. Honey, are those nachos done yet? The second half is about to start!