Tag Archives: mid-week services

Commandments Concerning Mid-Week Services

For we know that in old time (6000ish B.C.) the Lord didst command the Sabbath day to be Sunday upon which no work should be done except by the staff down at the Golden Corral and sports announcers on TV. And upon that best of days it was ordained that there should be held two church services — just in case somebody needed to get to an altar but alas the conviction didn’t really start to set in until mid afternoon. And thus there were only two church services for many years.

But now in these last of days when the heart of man waxeth old like a garment and the whole earth groaneth and travailaeth and decayeth and corrupteth, we give also this new commandment: that thou shalt leave thy unimportant secular job in a hurry and tell the kids to ignore their homework and go to a midweek service such as is meet for thee. For in the day that thou shalt not attend that third service thou shalt in no wise thrive: nor thy wife, nor thy children, nor thine ass. For the hours in a week number one hundred and sixty and eight and if thou shalt not return to the Lord a tithe of seventeen hours (for verily, the Lord doth always round up) then he shall execute great vengeance upon thee with furious rebukes. And also your house might burn down.

And the order of the midweek service shall be on thus wise: a song, a round of self-congratulation for coming out on such a busy weeknight, another song, a whole passel of prayer requests for various weak livers and worldly livers, a prayer, another song, and a sermon. These shalt thou do at a bare minimum but thou mayest also take an offering if it doth delight thy soul (and we know that it doth).

Then thou shalt pronounce a blessing upon the people contingent on seeing them back again next week. For we all know that people come to church on Sunday morning if they love the church, and Sunday night if they love the pastor but verily they do come to mid-week service to show that they love Jesus. Amen.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 168.