Tag Archives: church split

Church Splits

Unlike the Apostle Paul who spent quite a bit of time talking about how Christians should try their very best to get along with each other, fundamentalists have turned the process of having a church split into something of an art form.

Recipe for a church split:

Needed: 1 fundamentalist church full of the usual players and sundry bit roles. For best results, ensure that the pastor shall have been at this location for no more than 5 years having replaced the former pastor who had been there since dirt and was greatly feared and revered by all as the Final Authority.

– Begin by placing a church building project in a large container and letting it sit for approximately 3 years while berating the membership for more funds.

– Take one power-hungry music director and stir well. (If possible select a fresh picked music director dreams of being a traveling evangelist who’s wife also plays the piano .)

– Blend in a scandal at the Christian school involving a grandchild of one of the members in good standing who’s offerings provide no less than 25% of the church’s annual budget. Be sure to fire at least one teacher who was well liked by no less than three fifths of the congregation without bothering to tell anybody why.

– Divide the congregants into two heaps each aligned with a faction wherein both sides may accuse the other of such gross heresies as being closet Calvinists, believing in soul sleep, or sometimes skipping Wednesday night church to go bowling in an establishment of ill repute wherein is played honky tonk music.

– Season to taste with secret business meetings, dirty tricks, parking lot confrontations, and votes of no confidence. If a zestier flavor is desired, add a handful of lawyers.

– Take whatever part of the church that shall separate from the body and place it in a new church building no more than three miles from the old church and called it Grace Baptist Church, being sure to appreciate the irony in the name.