Every few weeks, the congregations of most fundamentalists churches range themselves in dread array and enter the fiercest kind of battle: the church business meeting. One wonders if these events are what Paul had in mind when he called Christians to fight the good fight…
Summary of the minutes from the monthly business meeting of the Faithful Hearers and Doers Baptist Church.
Pastor Hiembaugh opened with prayer for wisdom, strength, and to the grace to avoid “what happened last time.”
– The committee charged with reducing the electrical costs in the church building reported that they been standing outside the bathrooms after services and reminding people to turn out the lights as they leave. Mr. Tom Brown objected that this might create the wrong impression with visitors but was quickly shouted down by Deacon Holstein who opined that anyone who couldn’t follow a few simple posted rules weren’t the kind of people we wanted around this church anyway. After another thirty minutes of discussion, the matter was tabled until next month.
– The committee who has been working on finding new music for the choir reports that they have managed to photocopy enough sheets for the Easter cantata. Questions from several members about copyright infringement were answered by the pastor with a quotation about ‘eating shewbread.’ This business is tabled as well.
– The nominations for church officers are read into the record. They are voted in unanimously without discussion making this the twenty-seventh straight year without changes to the officers.
– The new budget is brought to the table and Mrs. Brewbaker brings up that the assistant pastor has not had a raise in five years and Deacon Holstein reminds her that he also hasn’t increased his office hours in ten years either and has missed ten days of work this year due to being deathly ill and by gum that any employee of his would be lucky to have a job at all much less a raise. Mrs. Brewbaker decides to withdraw the matter. The budget is passed unanimously without further discussion.
Pastor Hiembaugh closed in prayer and thanked God for the opportunity to meet together and do His work. What of God’s work got done in tonight’s meeting was unspecified.
(I would thank stan for the reminder about the joys of church business meetings if they weren’t so painful that thinking about them makes me want to tear out my own eyeballs.)