Tag Archives: baptism


Are they Catholic? Dunk them well and pray that it will serve to cleanse them of their popish ways.

Are they Anglican? Send them under the water and command them to drink no more.

Are they Presbyterian? Bury them in the baptismal pool and tell them that it’s a good thing they didn’t show up to heaven merely sprinkled.

Are they Methodist? Tell them grab their noses and prepare for immersion for their baby baptism just doesn’t cut it.

Are they Southern Baptist? Wash them again and pray that the stench of their old NIV will not linger upon them.

Are they Independent Fundamental Pre-Trip King-James-Only Soulwinning Baptists? If they have walked the aisle again and prayed The Prayer again then baptise them again just in case.

For the baptism of water may only be a symbol to us but it’s useful for separating the congregation of the blessed from those who will likely be left standing outside the gate. It’s not so much what you’re being baptized into, after all. It’s what you’re being baptized against.

Baptist Distinctives Day 5: Saved and Baptized Church Membership

For today’s distinction we sat down with Pastor Dr. Bro. Raymond Heller pastor emeritus of  Soulwinners Only Baptist Church in Houston, TX for a brief Q&A about the importance of having a saved and (then sometime later) baptized church membership.

SFL: Hello, Dr. Bro. Raymond Heller! Thanks for agreeing to talk to us today.

Dr. Bro. Heller: I’m always glad for the opportunity to tell apostates, heretics, and baby baptizers where to go. And by that, of course, I mean I like to tell them where to go in the Bible to see that I’m right and they’re headed straight to perdition.

SFL:  So let’s get right to it.  Why do Baptists believe in a saved and baptized church membership?

DBH: We believe that because the Bible says it in…well, a bunch of places. Also because all the other churches which are full of unsaved people have corrupts everybody’s manners with bad conversations. An unsaved membership is also what has lesbian, drum-playing, baby baptizing pastors taking over churches across America.

SFL:  So how do you know who in your church is actually saved? Isn’t God the only one who can see the heart?

DBH: Well we can’t be 100% sure of course that any individual person is actual born again. But after a person makes several professions and is baptized four or five times, we feel that it’s a pretty good indicator of their sincerity. I mean they wouldn’t keep coming back to make sure they really, really mean it unless they really, really meant it.

SFL: Can you list me some other ways that you can be reasonably sure a person is saved and safe to include in the church membership?

DBH:  Well, a few trips down to the altar during bible conference help to show a tender heart. Driving the bus for the missions trip to Mexico shows a willingness to serve. And of course we’re always looking out for people who give until it hurts and then give until it feels good and then give until it hurts again but in a way that strangely feels kind of good.

SFL: So what I’m hearing is that you really have no more idea whether your baptized church members are saved than the member of churches who baptize babies do?

DBH: Young man, this sort of evil questioning leads me to think that you sound to me like a person needs to get saved and baptized himself.

SFL: I appreciate your concern but I’m actually already a believer.

DBH: Well it can’t hurt to pray again just to make sure. Here let me show you a few verses…

Baptist Distinctives Day 4: Two Ordinances

Rather than having multiple sacraments Baptists hold to “ordinances” of which there are only two: baptism and communion. Both of these are held by Baptists to be purely symbolic in nature and contain no efficacy whatsoever. Just because they’re symbolic, however, doesn’t mean that they’re not worth spilling gallons of ink (and possibly blood) over.

The qualifications of a candidate for baptism are a pretty straightforward affair in fundyland. You have to be at least old enough to repeat the sinner’s prayer more or less intelligibly after a Sunday School teacher and you have to be willing to take the risk on getting water up your nose if the pastor’s handkerchief hand slips. Although baptism is considered an act of obedience, to a Baptist, getting dunked under water serves mainly as a testimony to the community that the person is publicly professing his faith. The fact that nobody in the Bible ever appears to have had this motivation for being baptized doesn’t bother them in the least.

Like baptism, the Lord’s Supper is also a completely symbolic affair — the only difference being that if you screw around with it, God may very well up and kill you. Seriously. Perhaps it’s this mortal danger (or perhaps it’s just that it takes away from the amount of time the pastor has to preach) but communion doesn’t happen all that frequently in fundyland. After all we wouldn’t want to remember Christ’s sacrifice too often. That kind of frequent ritual is reserved for things like praying a blessing over every Snickers bar and bag of potato chips.

In reality, the list of two ordinances is far from complete. There are a plethora of other observances in fundamentalism that may not make it onto the official list but are are required all the same. These include Church Attendance, Tithing, The Praising of The Pastor, and Sewing Your Own Jean Jumpers (with bedazzlers!) and so on.

Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man.

Baptism Decisions

Note: I am not against baptism nor do I wish anything but good for this particular young lady. The process of walking the aisle with a baptism decision and proceeding immediately to the dunk tank is one that I find of cultural significance in fundamentalism and I think it’s worth documenting here.