Fundamentalists love using a cute turn of phrase to “prove” a doctrinal point even when they are far from Biblical. Â These rhetorical flourishes are a tried and true method of simply stopping thought dead in its tracks whenever a disagreement occurs.
For example: Â “‘All’ means all and that’s all ‘All’ means.” Patently false…yet somehow strangely compelling.
What’s your favorite fundy doctrinal jingle?
Today we’re featuring a guest post by Kind of Bored. He’s a man who needs no introduction so I’m giving him none.
Romans 13: “Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God…â€Â  If you read the KJB extra-carefully, you’ll see that there’s a loophole for photocopying something that will really, really enhance the ministry. (It’s right there next to ignoring speed limits, the list of English common-law precepts that we’d really like to see recognized today and the invalidity of the 16th amendment.)
You see, the Great Commission involves ministry, and ministry requires  materials. We ought to obey God rather than men, amen? It doesn’t matter if the “DO NOT COPY THIS, YOU DIRTBAG!†watermark on the sheet music (and there’s something wrong about a publishing house understanding the need to bother with those on “Christian†materials) was made by a web press or a Xerox copier; it’s how many souls are saved and spirits are uplifted. It’s a fascinating mix of sanctified pragmatism at best and downright Boss Hogg thievery at its most blatant.
Granted, there are many churches that obey the law and procure their materials the ethical way; there are also current and former choir members who have ministered while singing from a sheet of purloined music and lyrics. (What would happen if a choir member or Sunday school teacher would refuse to sing/teach using ill-gotten materials? Hmm.)
Illegally downloading U2? A peck of sin. Getting a sample from a music publishing house or Regular Baptist Press and making 60 copies? Fiscally responsible ministering, brother! Oh, and bonus points are awarded if the song/lesson centers on holiness, honesty or integrity.
Although some fundy churches only use instruments approved by the Apostle Paul (namely the piano, organ, and occasional brass solo), some do concede that a fundamentalist may in good conscience play the guitar…as long as he takes care not to play it as the world playeth. Here “pastor” Steven Anderson demonstrates the approved strum, strum, strum method otherwise known as the “hammering out hymns technique.”
Today we have Evangelist Bro. Dr. Chuck Cofty who demonstrates for us how to post a ministry update.
If the caps is a bit much for you just pretend that the whole thing is being bawled in your ear by R. Lee Ermey. Or Jesus. I get the impression that some fundamentalists think that they both sound a lot alike.
PASTOR SPROWLS HAS BEEN THE PASTOR HERE FOR TWENTY-ONE YEARS. WE HAVE HAD GOOD MEETINGS SO FOR THIS WEEK WITH THE OLD FASHIONED ALTAR BEING USED GREATLY. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CHURCH NESTLED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF CENTERAL PENNSYLVANIA AND COMPLETLY SURROUNDED BY LARGE MOUNTAINS. THE VIEWS ARE SIMILIAR TO THE PAINTINGS OF NORMAN ROCKWELL AND THE PEOPLE VERY KIND AND ATTENTIVE. WE HAVE HAD A LARGE NUMBER OF VISITORS EACH SERVICE WITH PASTOR JOHN LEATHERMAN AND MANY OF HIS FOLKS FROM HIS GOOD CHURCH IN ATTENDANCE LAST EVENING WITH PASTOR LEATHERMAN SINGING THE OFFRATORY. IF YOU ARE HEADED TOWARD PENN STATE THIS CHURCH IS JUST FIFTY MINUTES EAST. TRY IT – YOU WILL LIKE IT AND WANT TO STAY.
AFTERNOON OF THE 21ST A LADY FROM THE CHURCH WITH A THIRTY YEAR SON WHO IS A DRUG ADDICT ASK IF I WOULD MEET WITH HIM IN AN ATTEMPT TO LEAD HIM TO THE LORD. I MET WITH JOHN THIS AFTERNOON, HE SAID THAT HE HAD BEEN SAVED; I ASK HIM AND SHOWED HIM 11 COR 5:17 AND HE SAID THAT HE HAD NOT CHANGED WHEREUPON I SAID IN ALL PROBABILITY YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SAVED. HE AGREED AND PRAYED WITH ME THAT THE LORD WOULD FORGIVE HIM AND SAVED HIM. WE WALKED BACK TO THE PASTOR’S HOME WITH JOHN NOW ON HIS WAY TO HEAVEN AND A PROMISE THAT HE WOULD BE IN THE SERVICE TONIGHT. PRAISE THE LORD!
Dr. Bro. Cofty stand out in my memory as the man who once in my hearing at Pensacola Christian College compared the ‘intelligence network’ of competing school Bob Jones University to that of Al-Qaeda. He was serious.
And when the time shall come upon thee that thou shalt be blessed with the radiant presence of a GUEST SPEAKER then that shalt surely introduce him before the face of all the congregation that they might marvel before the greatness of his countenance and the sizableness of his church’s Sunday School attendance. This shalt thou do without fail for thou shall also be a GUEST SPEAKER someday and wilt need the favor returned.
And thou shalt raise thy voice aloud and long and tell of all the wondrous works of the GUEST SPEAKER with great praise of people he has saved, building funds he has gathered in, and liberals he has smitten with great smiting. And the people shall be suitably impressed and gather to have the word of his name writ upon their textus recepi.
And thou shalt not fail in extolling the many academic accomplishments of the GUEST SPEAKER making long mention of his degrees and accolades from various and sundry institutions of fundamentalist learning. But thou shalt in no wise use the words “unearned” or “honorary” or make mention of the fact that the greatest legitimate academic accomplishment of the GUEST SPEAKER‘s career is writing a curriculum to teach dispensationalism to 3rd grade Sunday School classes.
But whatever thou dost, leave some wiggle room in thy endorsement because thou may need to separate thyself from him someday and then thou shalt need to disavow ever really liking him in the first place.
And when thou has finished thou shalt in any wise give the invitation “Now, come and give us whatever God has laid on your heart.”
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 42-43