Fundamentalists are great fans of Bible covers. Where else can you store 43 gospel tracts, a year’s worth of bulletins, cough drops, gum, extra strength tissues for repentance-quality crying, two pens, six highlighters, 4 bookmarks, a Read Through the Bible in Year guide from 1983 and (if there’s still room) a Bible.
But theÃ‚Â question the fundamentalist must askÃ‚Â is: what kind of statement does my Bible cover make? Let’s explore some of the options:
Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet…and also doubles as an emergency reflector.
I’m in the Lord’s army. And the Idaho Citizens’ Constitutional Militia.
Finally, a Bible that matches my outfit!
I’m a Southern Baptist on the Inside
I also have an extensive decorated plate collection…
Thanks to this cover, I no longer worry about getting lost in the church vestibule.
I’m patriotic. And home schooled. And I also sew name tags in all my clothes
I have Beach Boys tapes hidden in my closet.
I’m a Preacher Boy. And I’ve got the business cards to prove it.
For a fee you can now see every edition of the Sword of the Lord back to 1937. Glory!
For those who are not familiar with the Sword of the Lord imagine what the National Enquirer would look like if written by Fundamentalists. Then slice in some sermons from C.H. Spurgeon (with the Calvinist stuff cleverly chopped out) and sprinkle with a bunch of ads for church bus ministries. Stir well. No need to add nuts, they’re already included.
It is widely accepted fundamentalist dogma that women with children still living at home should not work outside the home. Exceptions to this rule would be positions as a Christian school teacher, church secretary, or a purveyor of multi-level marketing merchandise.
Whether it’s cutlery, plasticware, or little packages of vitamins, there will inevitably be at least one lady in every fundamentalists church who is hawking it for extra cash. Sign up now and you’ll get a cut from everyone who buys from you too!Ã‚Â At least take this catalog home and look it over…
WWPTOWD? (What would the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman Do?)
While it’s unclear where the tradition began, it is now an accepted rule that every fundamentalist is required to come up with some passage of Scripture that they can claim as a “life verse.” The earlier this is done, the better. Not having a life verse by the time one enters high school is tantamount to a confession of being a reprobate. Although how exactly a sixteen-year-old is suppose to know which bit of the Bible is going to have the most relevance for the rest of their life is somewhat of a mystery.
Being without a life verse results in a great deal of awkwardness. There are few things worse for the unversed fundy then having a youth leader or pastor ask everyone in a group to share their life verse and what it means to them. The only solution at that point is to mumble Jeremiah 33:3 and stand in shame as the other kids rattle off much more spiritually obscure passages from the minor prophets.
Many questions surround the logistics of life verses. Is it cheating to steal the life verse of a famous pastor? Is one allowed to change their life verse if they grow up and find out the one they picked in kindergarten is actually a promise to national Israel to be carried out during the millennial reign? Can a person use a “life verse” that is only half a verse long? Is it too ostentatious of an aspiring preacher boy to have a “life paragraph” or “life chapter”?
As for me, my life verse is and will remain Matthew 19:12. It’s a great conversation starter at fundamentalist picnics.
A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.