All posts by Darrell

Children's Ministries

Camp

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campOnce a year, fundamentalists pack their kids a suitcase and wave goodbye as the youngsters are hauled away to Christian camp. This is considered vital to to the children’s spiritual upbringing and also gives mom and dad a break — defined as “only taking care of the four youngest kids.” It’s a win-win.

Christian camp is a wonderful time to enjoy the outdoors, participate in sports, make new friends, and listen to approximately 3,468 sermons over the course of the week. This presents plenty of opportunities to get saved as many time as you like. After all, going forward to get saved again is always preferable to being stuck in your seat through an hour of singing while the counselors save other kids. It’s far better to walk the aisle and join in the fun.

Getting saved isn’t the only highlight though, there is also Scripture to memorize, crafts to make, and a camp store full of enough soft drinks and candy to ensure that the counselors never get a moment’s peace from chasing down hyper eight-year-olds. Another bright spot in the camping week is regular visits to the swimming pool (no mixed bathing of course). While dunking kids in chlorinated water may not be a substitute for daily bathing, it certainly doesn’t hurt.

As the week draws to a close, it’s a time for tearful farewells and getting saved one last time just to be sure. Then it’s back on the buses and back home until next year when they’ll do it all over again. No fundamentalist childhood would be complete without it.

Church Services

Being in Church “Every Time the Doors are Open”

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service-timesA good fundamentalist is in church every time the doors are open, no matter how often that may be. (Hint: it’s often).

Whether it’s Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night prayer meeting, Friday night Youth Group, or a myriad of special events, attendance is not optional. To a fundy, to miss a service is to miss out on the very blessing of God. And you don’t want to miss a blessing do you? Well do you? I didn’t think so.

Some fundy preachers take pride in reminding everyone of the time that they were sick with the bubonic plague, had their car stolen, broke both legs, and had just gotten off a shift at the salt mines where they had worked 73 straight hours nonstop, BUT HE STILL CAME TO BIBLE STUDY ANYWAY! So don’t even bother trying to use the excuse that you have the sniffles and didn’t want to give them to everyone else or that you’re just too tired after work to make prayer meeting. That sort of lily-livered tale is only for sissy’s and compromisers.

The postal service may still prevail through rain, sleet, and dark of night but the fundamentalist isn’t even deterred by hurricanes, wildfires, or the church being full of fresh paint fumes. Open the doors and see all the people.

Doctrine

Claiming to be the Last True Fundamentalists

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churchsignNothing is more bizarre to the outside observer of fundamentalism than seeing two fundies who have almost come to blows because each believes that the other is not a “true fundamentalist.” In fact, it’s every bit as fascinating as watching two Trekkies argue over the design of an anti-matter drive. Not only is it impossible to win such a fight but it wouldn’t really matter even if you did.

The list of tests of true fundamentalism has become quite lengthy over the year and gathered to itself more than a little weirdness. Questioning a person’s fundamentalist credibility may involve asking things such as… Has any child of theirs ever worn their baseball cap backwards? Have they ever had a face lift? Does their church’s hymnbook remove the word ‘worm’ from the first verse of At the Cross? Have they been observed at the mall walking in rhythm with the rock music playing? Then they may not be a true fundamentalist.

Do they believe that Jesus had a belly button? Do they not believe that Cain had one? Are they waiting for a mid-trib rapture? Do they believe Revelation 2 and 3 might just be talking about churches instead of church ages? Do they allow canned music in their services? They’re obviously too liberal to be a true fundamentalist.

Indeed, there are only true fundamentalists left: me and thee. And I have my doubts about thee.

Books, Sermons

Chalk Talks

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chalkBefore multimedia displays and PowerPoint presentations, fundamentalists had chalk. Credit where it’s due, if done well, chalk talks were a great way to keep people’s attention and make a point. If done badly, however, the presentation may end up looking vaguely like a cubist artist’s impression of a sunset at the North Pole. In short, it’s a royal mess.

In the really extravagant chalk art presentations, a black light may be used to reveal hidden images at the end of the talk. Or perhaps, the artist would draw upside down and then later reveal the real picture by flipping over the canvas. Not too many people do this anymore; it’s really a shame. Watching someone doodle on a screen in MS Paint just isn’t quite the same.

If you’ve never seen a chalk talk done, you can check out a video of none other than Peter Ruckman giving a presentation while drawing an “original autograph.”