The King James Journey to the Grocery Store on the First Night of the Icy Weather

(Photo Credit: Bill Morrow)

As I look at the forecast and see MOAR SNOW on the horizon this guest post from Ken D. seems altogether timely. Keep warm out there.

The King James Journey to the Grocery Store on the First Night of the Icy Weather

Yea, verily, unto the earth didst fall without number the small pellets of ice like unto the fine gravel of the road in their size.

And great was the upheaval and the consternation throughout the land, and great was the hustling and bustling in the much-trafficked aisles of the market, yea, of the grocer’s stall. For many were the hands that were laid upon the loaves of bread, the groping hands that seized the milk of the kine. Deep into their purses and devices of mechanical banking didst the teeming masses thrust their hands and brought forth money, yea, even lucre, wherewith to purchase victuals.

For in their hearts, they thought unto themselves, “We shall not surely starve. For if the electricity be off, yea, if the power of the lightning be cut off, we shall yet eat; for, verily, our cupboards are full unto bursting with bread and dry cereals. And our pantries what eschew the heat, they do hold unto themselves rich stores of milk wherewith we shall drench our cereals and wash down our breads. Yea, and we shall be sated. Though we be frozen as the stones of the ground, we shall be filled.”

Then, with their great bundles stowed in their carriages, the haughty people, yea, the proud ones who didst unto the last minute delay to buy groceries, even these drove away. And in their foolishness, they heeded not the the ice which as the fine gravel lay upon the road; and with all speed and carelessness of mind, they didst drive like unto maniacs until with great clamor and noise of destruction they skidded headlong through yon guardrail. And great was the crashing of metal; great was the splashing of icy waters. And their victuals didst take wing and fly hither and yon, and the birds and beasts of the field didst devour the bread and meat and carried them unto their young.

And they didst endure the storm being not hungered, but the foolish people perished, and they froze and wert hungered.

134 thoughts on “The King James Journey to the Grocery Store on the First Night of the Icy Weather”

    1. Now that I’ve read it: Hilariously awesome. I’m thankful that here in Oregon we’ve not had much snow. Mostly rain and we’re behind on that. But everyone who has to deal with the evils of too much snow and idiots that can’t drive, you have my sympathy.

      1. While I was riding to work with a coworker, another car spun out of control on icy roads across four lanes and slid into us. We (humans not cars) were all ok but it was scary.

        I’m ready for winter to be over.

        1. After my car accident three years ago, I hate icy roads. So I’m glad everyone is alright. Cars can be fixed or replaced. People can’t.

      1. And those pipes what were bedecked in immodest insulation, even the immoral plumbing that wantonly shewed itself unto the cold, yea, these found themselves frozen and that which they bore within was made like unto the stones of the earth.

        And above the floorboards, in the living space of the house, yea, from within the closets of the waters, lo, here didst the small children wail and make great clamor. And they cried unto their mommies, and said unto her what had borne them upon the breast, “Go to now, mother! Go to! For the commode flusheth not and doth stink, and wherewithal shall we pull the chain, and how shall we make the poopy water go bye-bye?” And the little ones cried, and great was the noise of their displeasure.

    1. This week the temp warmed up 40 degrees or so and we still didn’t break the freezing mark.

        1. I dare you to come here and say that to my face, BJg. 😉 I can make the North Pole seem positively tropical.

  1. So I guess this is what northerners do on snow days. 😛
    I will not brag about the weather in sunny California right now…but did I mention it is sunny?

    1. And the virgin whose father knew how to rule his children well, even this virgin remained at home, not being suffered to venture forth into the lascivious masses at the market. But the wicked virgin and the virgin whose father did not rule his children well, this vile one and impure of heart, she didst go forth unto the market wherein were all manner of unchurched sinners and those who didst compromise, wicked men who bore their hair on their ears and their sin in the hearts. And the wicked virgin didst stroll down aisles with her basket in hand, and she did not stop her ears at the playing of the Lionel Ritchie upon the Muzak. And in her wickedness, she wantonly brushed elbows with every man in the aisle, and shamelessly made eye contact unto these men who after her flesh didst hunger; and she didst seduce these men, saying lasciviously unto them, “Oh, excuse me; for the crowd be great, and the aisle be full unto bursting!” And, thus, she passed through the aisle and bought her groceries and returned unto her home.

      And when she crossed the threshold, her heart smote her; and she cried unto her father, saying, “Forgive me for I am with child being yet unmarried! For I didst wantonly brush men’s elbows and didst look into their eyes without shame, such acts against which the prophet Bob of Jones didst warn me, and now I am defiled. And great is the shame that I have brought upon my father!”

      And her father spake unto her, saying, “I have heard the words of thy confession and the tale of thy wickedness. And though thou hast freely confessed and though thou art contrite of heart, thou shalt not be forgiven. For great is the shame thou hast heaped upon my name, O thou daughter of wickedness! For how shall I now lift mine eyes unto Pastor on the Sabbath when he preacheth unto the congregation and I be there and in my place for to hear his true but unsubstantiated rantings? Much less, how shall I bear the disdain of the many sundry deacons when we pass in the hall or when we do go soul-winning on the course of golf on the first Saturday of the month? Nay, my daughter, thou shalt never be forgiven; for if the virgin hath lost her virginity, with what shall she be valued? Yea, thou art now good for nothing but to be cast out and trodden under the feet of men!”

        1. But Lady Semp, thou hast forgotten that Eve gave the apple to Adam. She, the veritable temptress, didst show him the loin apple and he didst eat, and lo the whole world was cast into sin with the temptation of Eve’s Apple. Thus hath it been since time immemorial. The woman dost but brush against the holy man’s elbow, and he doth find himself enslaved to the pursuit of the ‘apple’.

          ‘Lady’ Semp, thou wouldst do well to be reminded that God didst create MAN–not WOman, in His very image. And lo, thou must take heed to remember thy place. At best the WOman is the help-meat of the man. And lo, if she should cook, so shall she be blessed and bear many, many offspring to her master.

          “Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him ‘lord’.” A verse thou shouldst commit to memory, as ofttimes I sense a spirit of rebellion to be with thee.

        2. Thou hast revealed thine ignorance and art committing the fearful transgression of adding to the scripture for, lo, The King James Bible does not specify that the fruit of the tree was an apple. Where for dost thou add to the Holy Book by choosing an apple? Do you but follow the traditions of man?

        3. “Loin apple”???????????????

          I’m sure I don’t know what that is, and I’m even more certain that I don’t want to know what that is.

          Methinks that BJg should put down his spirits. That said, the spirit most often with me is 100 proof Smirnoff.

      1. Yea, verily it seemeth that thou art acquainted with, “The Book of Pastor.” Hast thou the version which holdeth the book of , “DoasIsayuh?” Moreover, doth thy book contain the exploits of the Giant Hyles known as “The Apocryphal? ” Surely if thine answer is yea and yea, thou hast read “2 Jackabees” where we are taught that it is a good and wholesome thing to bring offerings of food and drink to place before the image of The Giant.

        Thou hast done well by quoting from the book of “The Self-Righteous Judges,” so let us follow the ensample of the people in “Entrodus” who fled terrifying liberty for the security of The Supreme Pastor.

        Haymen, Brother?!

        You know, I really should have something better to do on a Saturday night.

      2. Ken D. dost win the Interweb. Hail, oh man, thou hast written mightily and with great humour and hast made me weep with ill-gotten joy.

  2. Yea, and in that land of snow and ice, were ten virgins, five wise and five foolish. The wise virgins didst keep their lamps lit with the batteries of the King of EverReady, but the foolish virgins hadst feeble flames of generic kind. As their feeble flames flickered, the foolish virgins asketh, “O, sisters of the EverReady, wouldst thou loan us some of your batteries?” But the wise virgins were too occupied in soul-winning to hear their foolish sisters. Alas, the foolish virgins feeble flames flickered out, and they froze in the winter snow.

      1. Phooey. Generic batteries are no worse than brand-name. In many cases they’re made by the same companies.

        I always buy generics and yes, put the savings in the offering plate.

        1. YMMV, but I noticed that most generic batteries I’ve bought are not as long-lasting as the brand touted by rabbits.

      2. This is as good a place as any…….

        What did the battery say to the bag of potato chips?

        If you’re free-to-lay I’m ever ready.

  3. Just make sure you’re in Sunday School in the morning. (I’m sure glad Jesus didn’t check the weather forecast before he decided to be born in stable, aren’t you?)

  4. I kept it together until I read: “And their victuals didst take wing and fly hither and yon, and the birds and beasts of the field didst devour the bread and meat and carried them unto their young.”

    And then I laughed.

  5. Verily, I laughed as well. I also spent some time these last few weeks helping the good people who run a warming centre for homeless women in my city, thaw people out. The shelter could use some of those victuals for the ones who attempt to survive in the highways and the hedges of the land. What I kept thinking was all those huge. empty, warm “houses of God” standing there, filled with comfortable, soft carpets and chairs for the ones who live off the fat of the land. The people who are trying to help the ones who freeze in our streets are poor themselves. It makes you feel sour to their messages.

  6. I too had to smile at “their victuals didst take wing and fly hither and yon.” Fly, victuals, fly!

      1. And lo I have been testing Crown Royal ‘Regal Apple.’ Having tested it I see that it is good, straight up.

        1. Dr. Fundystan,
          Lo thou hast prepared wisely. Our brother Homer Simpson would approve, yea verily.

  7. The immosdestly clad pipes is a good one, too. We even have problems with those here. The problem we have here, though, is even though it gets cold on some winter nights to freeze, it always warms to well above freezing during the day. That means burst pipes!

  8. Miriam, a group of churches in our area realized that their churches were sitting empty during the cold weather so they got together and formed a program. Each church takes turns hosting the homeless at night for a week. (they have places to go during the day). explains how it works.

    1. That is great! The churches in the downtown area here do stuff like this too but they are the evil churches, United, Presbyterian and Catholic.

  9. And lo, the snow fell on the good and on the evil but the evil comprehended it not for they had a good stiff measure of wine for their stomach’s sake against the sound advice of the man who had foretold of the coming of the ice and snow.

    1. A lo the snow falleth upon the good and upon the evil, but the evil comprehended it not for he hath stolen the good’s umbrella.

      1. Whilst the good busied himself in the handing out of pamphlets comparing the frozen wasteland to the fires of hell

    2. Miriam, it’s okay to drink in this weather. Just really dumb to drink and then go out in it, whether that be to shovel or to party.

      1. A lot of deaths caused by substance abuse and cold weather, especially in the north, in the isolated communities, it is a real problem

        1. I always go out to a fried egg/French toast/bacon breakfast if my cholesterol numbers come back okay. I figure twice a year can’t hurt me.

  10. Yea, verily, I say unto thee that it snoweth yet again in Mary’s Land, and the unwary who venture out be like to freeze. And for our sins even shall the rain freeze as it falleth and the ways become treacherous to all who travel them this day. Begone, Winter!

    1. And tomorrow, also!

      Even as we speak, a snowplow is doing its work on our street, and afterwards the hardy guys with the snow blowers shalt come, and the dog shalt bark at them.

      Yea, the Land of Mary, in the town named for Frederick the Great, I saw the heavens opened and snow falleth upon the earth.

        1. Alas, Linn, thou hast betrayed thyself as one who hast read a modern perversion for if thou east raised in the Olde Paths, thine heart wouldst have acknowledged the rendering of phrase in the second chapter of Solomon’s Song for the phrase is verily “voice of the turtle”. If it was good enough for King James, it should be good enough for you!

        2. Alas, I read King James, but I was raised of the RSV “perversion” in a Presbyterian Church. I came to faith via Good News for Modern Man.

          I lack Fundy credentials, although the first church that scooped me up was Fundy…except they used a combo of NASB and KJV for teaching. It was a common discussion between the lead pastor and his assistant, who was in a more broad-minded seminary.

        3. Thy device that sendeth thy messages through the air has strayed from ye olde paths and is not to be trusted.

        4. I was raised KJV only and pretty much, even after I was no longer interested in touting the “only ” line, only read KJ V for a good 75% of my life.

          My husband was raised in the IFB but his church was a combo of King James and NASB (which shocked me when I went to Sunday morning church at Bob Jones and saw that he did not have a keen James! I thought, “He’s one of those people!”)

        1. The Feb. 2 Groundhog Day prediction is as honest as professional wrestling. The town fathers decide in advance what the prediction will be.

          By the way, there’s Punxasawney Phil, and there’s also Birmingham Bill, in Alabama.

  11. It’s in the mid 70s in California and there isn’t a speck of snow on the mountains. Please send us some; we’ll gladly take it.

  12. Nay, this writing is not of the truth. For in the place where it saith “they didst drive like unto maniacs”, it should be writ “they didst drive like unto Jehu”. This same Jehu of whom it is written in the book of the Kings, saying, “the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously.” Verily, suchlike phrases do sound forth the full power of the King James English 😀

  13. Behold! I bring you good tidings of great joy! Four weeks from now, in the new city of the York, will be a spring.

    There will be shouting and cursing and sandbags trying to direct the waters on the land into the river. And there will be snow no more — until November. The voice of the insurance adjuster will be heard in the land, and people will call for there to be more global warming.

    For the winter has been long, and the people are distressed. But the warmth will bring sorrow with the joy.

  14. Lo, as the dawn breaketh, the sound of a lone shovel that scrapeth against the icy pathway falleth upon the ear. Our transport lieth beneath a veritable mountain of white, hemmed in behind by a snowy ridge thrown up by the great plows that arrived in the night. As is fitting on the Lord’s Day, we shall, perforce, be at our ease. Begone, Winter! Take thy snows far from here, to our fabled West, where they will rejoice greatly at thee!

  15. ….but snow cometh in the morning and the congregation gather at the call to shovel, the sound of tires spinning and an engine revving uselessly. And the people come dressed in many garments and bring offerings of salt and gravel and kitty litter along with their shovels and stand and give encouraging shouts and words of advice like, Rock it! Which do be evil because rock is evil music. And the vehicle does come out of the snow at great speed and the people do hold their breath because the women behind the wheel hath great age and hath been known to not conduct her vehicle well. And lo their fears are realized and she doth shoot across the road into the snowbank on the far side and some of the people get discouraged and take their shovels and kitty litter and do return to their tents but the faithful begin to dig again. The boldest of them does order the woman out of her vehicle and back to her tent while someone who can be trusted to remember what the brake is for doth guide the vehicle out of the snowbank. Then someone doth say, Coffee is on and the people congregate in the warmth and talk about how it really is time someone lost their licence to drive…….

  16. Lo, I walk thru the darkness of the dingy basement. I luggeth pots and pans to wash in the container made by Rubbermaid. My sighs are deep as I count 20 more days til spring. My heart is heavy because this brief warm spell did not thaw the kitchen pipes and the week forebodes another freezing spell.

    1. Some trust in wrapped pipes, and some in plumbers:
      but we will remember the name of the Lord our God
      As we curse the weather and the water that doth not run and the water heater that hath burst asunder.

  17. Yea, in all these things, thou must remember that the cold, the snow, yea even the ice art a gift from the Lord Most High. For verily thy brethren to the west have not the cold, nor the snow, nor yet the ice. Their winter shall be mild, but drought cometh in its season to the West. Indeed, the cisterns of water run low, and the pestilent insects do flourish in the warmth of this unnatural season. Therefore shalt thou also rejoice in thy frozen pipes, thy burst heaters of water, and thy buried chariots, for thou shalt in due season plant thy gardens, while the accursed ones in the West shall look on with envy and grind dust in their teeth.

      1. Then again there is the great hail described in Rev 16 that God sends during the Great Tribulation. Still we probably shouldn’t count hail as snow.

    1. The book of Job has some interesting things to say about snow including:

      “Drought and heat consume the snow waters: so doth the grave those which have sinned” (Job 24:19) and “Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail, which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?” (Job 38:22-23).

      1. Yes. The Lord’s armory. Funny that. Now we know that God doesn’t have a reserve supply of hail. We know how hail is formed. And when God does decide to use it, innocent people get hurt.

        God never has been too accurate in his judgments.

    2. No. The Judeo-Persian view of the end of the world was fire. Hell was fire. To get ice you have to use Nordic theology.

      Your question prompted me to think of eschatological ideas in the Old Testament, and at the moment, I can’t think of any end-of–the-world ideas in the Old Testament with the possible exception of Daniel. None. About like the concept of Hell as an “afterlife.”

      Interesting that New Testament theology has been constructed from Persian-corrupted Judaic theologies that aren’t found in the Old Testament.

  18. And great was the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth of the people of the land of ‪‎Boston‬; for in all the land there was no ‪French Toast‬ to be had; for behold, the birds of the air and the beasts of the field had devoured all the milk and bread and eggs that were scattered throughout the land. But the birds of the air and the beasts of the field ate not of the scrolls of the paper of the toilet; nay, behold, they returned with it unto their nests and dens to line them therewith, for it was very soft; and the birds of the air and the beasts of the field suffered not from the cold.

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