‘Tis the season for fundamentalists everywhere to remind the faithful why taking your kid to see Santa is tantamount to carving 666 on their forehead. Today’s bit of crazy which gives us the skinny on how Santa is actually helping to bring in the New World Order comes to us from cuttingedge.org and it’s a beautiful thing. I mean where else are you going to find a breakdown with such deep insights as “Jesus and Santa both have beards”?
(Click the image to see the original)
248 thoughts on “Jesus vs. Santa”
Am I first? Double wow.
Big HO-HUM !
(or should that be a big ho-ho-ho-hum?)
Correction Eric… Bama’s #1! Roll Tide!!
Here we go again with warm, buttery croissants and Tide detergent. I submit to you that it’s still not a winning recipe.
That’s OK. The Ducks will take them down. 🙂
Would love the match up…beat the Criminoles!!
Some would say that’s what is served at the DFAC (chow hall).
Oh Bama Man! I love you so much!
How ’bout Coop being a finalist for the Heisman? Is that cool or what? Yeah, I know, Mariota will probably get it, but still.
Appreciate the love CGC! COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!
I love #24:
Jesus says Ho, ho…(Zechariah 2:6) – Santa says Ho, ho ho…..
I guess Santa be pimping.
That’s one of those where you must have the “correct” translation of the Bible for it to work.
You know, the good ol’ King Jimmy actually has a proof text for this sort of thing:
Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter. Is. 5:20.
I mean, when the word “Santa,” which literally means “holy, sacred” has come to mean “Satan” to these people, there is just no true religion about them at all!!!
Isn’t “Santa” Catholic-speak for “holy”?
It’s saint in some language. I don’t think it means holy or sacred, just saint. I’m not sure of which language exactly though.
I’m fluent in Spanish and I have been working in Spanish speaking church circles for 30+ years. “Santo” means holy, as well as saint.
As I understand it, “Santa Claus” comes from the Dutch “Sinterklaas”, which in turn, was derived from “St. Nicholas.” Dutch settlers brought this tradition to the New World, but the name changed over time as did the appearance of the character which became less, ahem, Catholicky. So “Santa” isn’t even the real name, and you can’t rearrange “Sinterklaas” to spell “Satan.”
On the other hand it does start with “sin,” so there’s that…
Starts with “sin”? Fundies Against Trigonometry!
The first part of sinterklaas, sint, does mean saint though. So that’s the same thing.
I think fundies can spend too much time playing silly word games and anagrams.
Having said that the word “fundamentalist” is an anagram of “snail fed mutant” which no doubt has deep spiritual meaning, even if we don’t know what it is….
Fundynomore, if you’re fluent in Spanish, you should know that “Santo” means holy and “San” means saint if the subject is masculine, but “Santa” means either holy or saint if the subject is feminine.
Santo Domingo = Holy Sunday
Santa Cruz = Holy Cross
Santa Fe = Holy Faith
San Nicolas = Saint Nicholas
San Francisco = Saint Francis
Santa Clara = Saint Claire
Santa Ana = Saint Anne
This implies that Santa Claus is a woman or is somehow transgendered, but there you have it. I didn’t name him.
By the way, “Sinterklaas” is simply Dutch for “Saint Nicholas,” Klaas or Claas being the Dutch form of Nicholas.
But the transformation to the Anglophone “Santa Claus” was probably influenced by “Santa” from Spanish or Latin or Portuguese.
By the way, “Santo” is also the ring name of one of the most popular Lucha Libre stars of all time. Santo wore a silver mask and silver briefs and fought crime (and vampires, monsters, etc.) in comic books and movies when he wasn’t wrestling.
I love the Ho Ho bit
Admiral said “Ho Ho”, God said, “Ho Ho” Therefore Ho Ho’s make you fat.
Surely this is from a satire site?
Surely they aren’t serious?
Do not tee it up that easy for me BG! 🙂
Unfortunately, they are. Dead serious.
Jesus has white hair?
Is he an albino or what?
Jesus was 33 when he was crucified, so I don’t think his hair had time to turn white, or even salt-and-pepper.
Well, I think they are going off the apocalyptic imagery in Revelation, where Jesus is described using the imagery of the Ancient of Days from Isaiah. White hair like wool.
Well, the pastor of the Bible church my parents attended on their long slow slide into fundamentalism used to tell us that when Jonah came out of the whale, his hair was dyed snow white and Jonah was a type of Christ (who apparently was a type of Santa Claus), so there’s that. And this pastor was educated at Dallas Theological Seminary, so he really should have known better.
My carefully constructed refutation
Very well argued, KOACC!
I started to get a little excited because I misread it to say the Supreme Head of Planetary Legos
I want that job…
If you google “Supreme Head of the Planetary Logos” the only results you get are for this Satan/Santa write-up. Apparently the SH of the PL is not actually a thing.
Oh (or should I say ho ho), and Sanat Kumara is apparently a thing, but it is a Sanskrit name and Sanat means “eternal.”
And isn’t Master D.K. a rap star?
I’m sure St. Nicolas would punch this guy in the face.
Yup. Idiocy as usual. The details may change slightly, but it is the same, old, same old, same old same old.
Bad history. Irrelevancies. Contradictory information.
Fortunately, we can apply the fundy’s stance on “truth” against him. “Do you swear that all this is completely true?” “Yes! It is God’s truth!” “So if you swear it is all true, and I find a single falsehood I can discount as unreliable your whole testimony here! That is the Law of Logic!”
Jesus did not have white hair. He was a Jew and no mention is made of his being an albino. So to compare John’s Revelation to the Jesus who lived on earth is complete misuse of the Scripture.
Poof. Just goes to show what happens when you take everything out of context and try to create a new context with fragments of other verses or factoids.
Oh, and he takes modern poetry as doctrine about Santa (“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” — Santa Claus Is Coming To Town was written by J. Fred Coots, Henry Gillespie in 1934), but there was no such “doctrine” about Santa throughout the several hundred years the icon has been with us.
Of course, Fundamentalism is always adding “new” doctrines to their pile of ****. (Yes, you guessed what I am thinking here!) They have to in order to tell other fundies that they know God better than anyone else.
Santa is a bit of fun. The cultural Santa we have today is a modern overlay of commercialism on an old icon, without one bit of seriousness attached to it. Our children discovered that “Santa” was their grandparents, but they played the game, went to bed early, and got us all up at ungodly hours Christmas morning!
But on Christmas Eve, we are at the Episcopal Church worshiping Christ and celebrating His coming as a child. We welcome Christmas day with the Eucharist. No doubt fundies would scorn that as idolatrous, too!
Christians ignore Advent.
They ignore the readings of Advent.
They ignore the vision of Advent.
They ignore the themes of Advent.
They ignore the litanies of Advent.
They ignore the prayers of Advent.
They ignore the hymnody of Advent.
They ignore the discipline of Advent.
‘Cutting edge’ sheep-dip rushes to fill a man-made theological void. Then they blame the meaningless of it all on some factitious War on Christmas.
Shakespeare put it best in, ‘fools n’er had less wit in a year.’
Three cheers for the Expiscopal Church!
Praise God for the Christmas Eve Eucharist!
I love smells and bells!
Wow! How many bishops there?! I counted 3…
Good vergers. 🙂 My sweetie is a verger. I even made his robes.
I’d have to leave the room though- I’m violently allergic to incense.
A toy carpenter?
Yeah…bit of a stretch there.
Yeah, the newest “Lego Man”-the Toy Carpenter who fashions Legos into wonderful toys.
I’ve been teaching little kids for too many years!
I forgot about this on the sharpie post the other day, but the word “carpenter” reminded me. My mother had all of us take piano lessons and the piano teacher used a beginning piano book that had a song called “Which is Which.” One of the lines in the song was “magicians are good at witchcraft.” My mother blacked that out and put in “carpenters are good at woodcraft.”
This interfered with the meter of the song because “magician” is accented on the penult but “carpenters” is accented on the antepenult. So, when you sang it, it sounded something like: “carPENters are good at woodcraft.”
Which witch would a witch bewitch if a witch would bewitch a witch?
That is about the extent of my poetry.
I just got to wondering about my Carpenter’s Christmas album. It has “O Ho;y Night” and “Here Comes Santa Claus” on it.
I hope I don’ get confused. Between the songs or the Carpenters.
For years I’ve worked with very low-income children, so I don’t push Santa much to begin with (or presents). I love telling them about Jesus and the joy that comes with giving the best of yourself to others. BUT I’ve never seen harm in a little bit of Santa. If it wasn’t Santa, it would be someone else because children will fill in the pretend void whenever they feel a need. That’s why they are children and why they are so much fun. I do see a real danger in the need to explain everything fun away, and deny children the opportunity to pretend and use their imaginations. Otherwise, where will we get our CS Lewis’s and George MacDonald’s from?
Mention CS lewis to a lot of fundies and you onduce an apoplectic fit
Dear SFL Reader:
Does this mean that they’ve finally retired the ‘War on Christmas’ narrative?
Since defecting many years ago from Snob Clones Perversity, I’ve had a full beard. Does this make me the third ‘6’ in the magic six sixty-six?
They’ve retreated to the ol’ standby War on Fun.
CS – I knew a liberal commie like you would have a beard. 🙂
“…Just what’s in that pipe that he’s smoking…”
I’ll take a hit.
No, CS, it just makes you a flaming, left-wing, anarchist, worldly university professor.
Dear Big Red One:
You’re too kind! LOL!
It’s only kinds-sorta related, but I like this very much:
Many, many Christian pastors have lamented the fact that Santa Claus has replaced Jesus Christ in the hearts and minds of too many children and adults in America today.
They are right Dr. I pray to Santa every night and thank him for the Easter bunny who died on the cross. Or something like that.
Where some have Advent/Christmastide/Epiphany/Lent/Easter/Pentecost/Dominiontide, the annual Anti-Christmas/Easter/Halloween/Mother’s-Father’s_Day/July_4th/Veterans’_Day screeds ARE Fundamentalism’s counterpoint liturgical year.
The Ash Wednesday ashen mark on my forehead is answered in my ‘I voted Republican’ pin-on button. I’m sure plenty more similarities exist.
Ideas are dangerous toys for boys who like to play with them. Thank you for the inspiration.
I thought the Ether Bunny was an anesthesiologist.
no “bun” intended.
Nurse anesthatist. Always was a bit of an under-achiever.
‘this the season to be dippy….
Oh, yeah? Well, what about this?
That’s the Catlicks for ewes.
Both jesus and Santa have beards? According to many fundies, including Pope, er Jack Hyles, Jesus was clean+shaven and had short hair.
Who is spreading false doctrine that will condemn people to hell?
My IFB pastor has a beard!
Is he really saved?
(Btw I have a beard too.)
Jesus was also white. As is, apparently, Sanat Kumara, who is apparently one of the Great White Brotherhood in New Age spirituality.
And jesus had blond hair. To deny that fact is heresy.
Long blonde hair, if you go with the popular image.
I had not heard of the “Jesus was clean-shaven” bit until recently. It still boggles the mind.
I’m willing to believe that Jesus had short hair; I’m told it was the custom of the times, and He did NOT take a Nazarite vow.
“Short” would be a relative term. They didn’t have any real razors back then (the manufacturing techniques weren’t that good). Nor did they have scissors.
We tend to assume their lives were more refined and comfortable than what actually was the case.
Au contraire! They had scissors in Rome/Roman-held territories- they look like the old style of sheep shears.
And they had sheep shears in Palestine. I have a replica pair around here somewhere, little ones- they make terrific scissors for my traveling sewing box. And they will indeed cut hair.
And they did have razor-sharp blade- you don’t need anything but a whetstone to do that. But the metals available would not hold that edge for very long, so they weren’t shaving as often as we do.
The latest conjectural picture is really pretty good- http://www.popularmechanics.com/cm/popularmechanics/images/IV/face-of-jesus-01-0312-de.jpg
And maybe like this guy- my son-in-law Phil, who just turned 34. He’s a Russian Jew, and cute as all get out. And going to be a daddy in July! https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/200659_10150188333681913_3771381_n.jpg?oh=c46d1e5b074331cad86838ec74196150&oe=550612F8&__gda__=1427392070_4798fa4c2fb6b695bcd8bd02689dbab2
Thank you for curing this portion of my ignorance. I appreciate the information.
I need to find time to read a few books on such matters and review my perspective of the tools available to these civilizations.
I want to leave this alone. I really do. My brain says, “walk away.” My OCD, however, says, “respond.” I must obey my OCD.
4) Santa’s (SATAN’S) hour of coming is a mystery? I’m pretty sure it’s right at bedtime on December 24th.
6) Santa/Satan is not a carpenter. He is the supervisor of a bunch of little carpenters.
8) Delivering a bunch of toys does not make one omnipotent. Methinks the author doesn’t understand the meaning of “omnipotent.”
11) Lives forever? Someone obviously has never seen “The Santa Clause.”
14) Wait, wait, wait…I thought we were comparing. But now it seems we’re contrasting? I’m confuddled.
17) Telling children to obey their parents makes one Satan?
21) Kris Kringle means “Christ Child?” I thought it had something to do with a Danish breakfast bread.
23) “Lord of Hosts,” “host of elves” – I see what you did there.
24) ERMAHGERD. Puh-leeze.
It should also be mentioned that Santa does not claim to be omniscient as this chart would mislead the innocent to believe. Does not the good old hymn teach us that he makes a list and checks it twice? I dare say that true omniscience wouldn’t need to check twice.
Fascinating—God says “Ho, Ho.” Oh my bad, that’s just in the KJstuckin1611archaicversion.
Any more I’m pretty sure it’s only Santa who says Ho, Ho, Ho.
And can you just see Jesus coming back in the clouds riding in the sleigh driving all those reindeer? There’s a picture for you. Classic!
But isn’t three a number of perfection? God really hosed himself with that statement and Santa got it right :^)
You know what’s funny? On cutting edge’s website they state that they quote from the Amplified Bible to help explain words that have drastically changed meaning from the 1600’s but for any “doctrinal questions” you should stick with the KJV. Huh?
Doctrinal questions like God saying “Ho, Ho”?
But the whole thing falls apart because Jesus was never played by Tim Allen
And my initials are the same as our Lord’s. J.C.
So, what does that make me?
I think someone cribbed this whole concept from the classic Jesus/Elvis comparison.
My favorite comparison:
“Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.”
I actually wondered if someone cribbed this from a Santa-Jesus comparison that was meant to show – in a positive way – all the “neat” little ways that the Santa mythos lines up with the story of Jesus. You know, the kind of thing one might find wood-burned onto a plaque at Cracker Barrel.
I didn’t do Santa with my kids. It was a personal choice to never lie to my children. We still have a tree with presents and all the fuss. I don’t believe Santa is Satan blah blah. My kids enjoy the Christmas toons.
We do the same. My son has autism and I can’t imagine lying to him. It would never dawn on him to question what I say is true or to figure out the truth from winks and hints. We watch all the Santa movies and sing Santa songs. But he knows Santa is really just daddy at our house.
Some people consider “Santa” to be “lying.” I don’t, but then each parent should take his or her child’s temperament into consideration.
I remember my daughter’s discovery that I was the Tooth Fairy. She found a tooth in my drawer, and she knew it was hers. It was an Ah-Hah! moment for her. Instead of being upset, she was filled with glee at having discovered it.
The object of such interactions is to give delight and happiness both in the mystery and in the discovery. My children all discovered “Santa” and then wanted in on the game with younger children. They took pleasure in giving some gifts without their name attached, watching the look of surprise and happiness on the face of others even without getting direct thanks for the gift.
If you decide not to participate in “Santa,” please don’t think that we who do are Lying.
They forgot the one about how Jesus was shot in Ford’s theater, and Santa was shot in a Lincoln, made by Ford.
For the win!
Where do fundies learn to master fear-mongering so well? They have it down to an amazing art form.
Before my kids moved out, I had a beard. I fed and clothed them. I disciplined them. I kept up with where they were and who they were with. (with fewer restriction with age) I gave gifts. I judged their behavior. I sometimes wore red. I called my children to me (at times).
In the words of the great philosipher Linus VanPelt, “I’m doomed”.
You are Satan. Gettest thouest behindest meest.
I tried reading some of that stuff on the webshite but stopped when I heard by braincells screaming as they died….
RIP Brain Cells.
One time, our pastor was teaching a Sunday school class and he got on the whole Santa/Satan kick. I was in college at the time and he regarded me as a “smart” person, so he asked me to verify the truth of what he said. It really irritated me, so I said, “well, I don’t think those two names have anything to do with each other because Satan comes from biblical Hebrew and Greek but Santa comes from Latin.” He got really quiet for a minute and then said, “Well, it’s something to think about.”
My thinking exactly. Different language, different characters, different origins.
My guess is that many of them actually know this (a lot have taken Hebrew or Greek), and are spreading falsehoods deliberately for effect. Lies beat the truth every time when it comes to motivating power.
Your pastor didn’t expect a quick answer. I can’t tell whether he knew beforehand he was being a false-witness. But asking you to verify it wouldn’t have hurt him in any case, because he wouldn’t have gotten back to you on it, and the error would have time to soak in for a permanent mental stain. Even if he’d come back and mentioned it wasn’t accurate, the first impression would have remained.
“Webshite” should be “websh*t”. There. Fixed it for ya, Paul.
Thanks but my version works well enough here in Ireland
Whoever came up with this piece if work obviously forgot to take their medication.
They don’t believe in taking psychotropic meds. Psych problems don’t exist.
Or they are a result of sin and living in the flesh!
I couldn’t get past the first sentence in this pile of bull!
Just like Santa—I mean Jesus—I mean Satan….never mind.
If you are a LOTR fan like me, you do have to admit that being Lord over a host of elves sounds kinda fun!
15. Sits on a throne
16. Children are bidden to approach his throne to ask for anything they want
Did anyone else think, “You sit on a throne of lies!!”
Well, I think all pastors sit on a throne of sh** — and usually every day. Yes, we all do, I suppose. But at least we don’t fertilize with it from the pulpit.
(I can’t believe I am posting this. If my wife saw it, I’d be in deep ….)
I know him.
You don’t smell like Santa! You smell like beef and cheese! You stink!
With so much emphasis on outward appearance I’m surprised they went with a picture of a brown-haired Jesus wearing brown instead of a white-haired one in red, you know, since they were emphasizing the apparent similarities.
Yep, apparently even Jesus sold out to the good ol’ Coca Cola color scheme!!
Did Jesus happen to have a fat belly that, when he laughed, shook like a bowl full of jelly? That would clinch it for me. Otherwise, I’m not so sure.
“The stump of a pipe Jesus held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath …”
Everyone knows Jesus smokes a bong…
oneflew – I read your comment in a Dr. Evil voice. Which has me laughing uncontrollably at my desk.
Damn – you are so right!
This is stupid on a level I can’t even comprehend. How can people that take this seriously actually even function in the world?
It’s got to be satire right?
Nope. These folks really believe stuff like that.
I found it an interesting list. I’m no historical genius, so I could be mixed up, but wasn’t Santa (loosely) based on St. Nicholas? Y’know, a Christian? Y’know, someone that’s supposed to be like Christ to show Christ to the world? And now this Santa/St. Nicholas dude is awfully similar to Christ?
Maybe the similarity isn’t a threat, but the whole point!
Although he has been thoroughly hijacked by the secular world to the point of meaning nothing much – even the watching your behaviour got delegated to Elf on the Shelf – just can’t make enough money off Santa…
yes, except St. Nicholas was Catholic and according to all IFB all Catholics are not actual Christians.
The Episcopal Church commemorates St. Nicholas of Myra on December 6.
Yes, that was last Saturday and somehow we missed it!
We didn’t. The little kids’ class went into the sanctuary (we teach Sunday school during the Service of the Word, and at high school age students graduate to full participation in the service) and met St. Nicholas after hearing some of his story.
I’ve always told the kids that St. Nicholas is real. He is also AWESOME.
*Wanted to help some people whose future was being destroyed by poverty, but decided not to be a condescending jerk about it, so he dropped the money into the house in secret.
*Put his very own personal body between the swords of the powerful and the victims of injustice. And the Powers That Were were Christian, so he was shaking up his own church to do it.
*Once scared a corrupt official and the Emperor himself into reversing a false verdict of death–while still at work in Myra, hundreds of miles away from where the men lay in prison near Constantinople! This is my favorite part of the legend. Apparently both the official and the Emperor reported waking in the night to see Bishop Nicholas leaning over them and had extremely uncomfortable conversations about the duties of their exalted positions. The next day the Emperor freed the unjustly imprisoned men and sent them to Myra with a letter that said, “Please don’t ever scare me like that again. Just pray for me from now on, OK? Please?”
*In later years, used to go out during storms to aid storm-tossed sailing ships. You know, hiking along on the surface of the heaving deeps, coil of rope over each shoulder…
Nicholas gave money to poor families for dowry for their daughters, so the daughters wouldn’t have to go into prostitution. Far cry from leaving a PlayStation under the tree…
Didja know that Clement Clarke Moore, who gave the land for the General Theological Seminary in NYC, hated the moniker “Santa Claus”? His famous poem is read every year in the seminary chapel, and “Santa Claus” isn’t in it at all.
“A sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too!”
Yes but did this St. Nicholas character ever witness to someone? Give a poor person a tract? Lead someone down Romans Road? That is the true measure of the worth of a Christian!
My favorite Nicholas story is that he revived some boys who had been slaughtered and pickled in barrels of brine by an evil butcher.
I guess this makes St. Nicholas the patron of delicatessens.
By the way, Clement Clarke Moore most likely falsely claimed authorship of the poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” The real author seems to have been Henry Livingston, Jr.
Last Christmas, or the one before (my memory is foggy), I cited a bunch of articles on the controversy here. A couple more are linked to below. Moore still has a lot of ardent defenders. Check with Professor Google if you want all the different perspectives on the debate.
True. not all Catholics (Roman, I assume) are Christians but most are.
Note. There are varieties of Catholicism other than Roman.
So all you gentlemen who do not want to be mistaken for being in league with the Satan, you need to remember don’t let your hair go white, don’t grow a beard, don’t wear red….don’t say ho, ho, ho.
I am not sure if I am more bewildered at the theology or at the fact that the creator of the website felt it was a good use of his time to create this.
I have almost-white hair, a beard and sometimes wear a red shirt. And I’ve been known to laugh at good jokes.
Jay you need to avoid all appearance of evil. 🙂
BJg, if I took that kind of advice I wouldn’t have any fun!
The wearing of a tin-foil hat is mandatory
Minor quibble here: Santa does not enter as a “thief.” (Maybe they have Santa mixed up with their doppelganger, the Grinch). Merely entering a dwelling at night is burglary, not theft, although you have to intend to commit a felony therein. But most KJV1611ers think witchcraft should still be a felony and since Santa is obviously a practicioner of witchcraft, then I guess it fits.
Ah, the issue of criminal intent. Well played, sir.
Fundies: Judging the intents of the heart since forever.
Don’t insult the Grinch.
Unless you sing it. That is one of my favorite Christmas songs, Mr. Grinch did make evil rather fun.
DS – You’re a lawyer. No quibble is minor. 🙂
Yes, but some minors quibble. Like my daughters. Fortunately half of my daughters are no longer minors. The other two quibble like a pair of sisters. But not nuns. Or is that no nuns? Nun nuns? Whatever….
Actually, Santa is committing trespass.
This is because he has no intent to commit a crime therein.
Had his intent been to, say, raid the fridge after bypassing the milk and cookies, it would be burglary. But then again, the mere leaving of milk and cookies implies that the owner of the home is expecting Ol’ St. Nick; therefore no crime has been committed. Furthermore, had the fat man bypassed the cookies at the last minute, believing something more savory awaited his indulgence in the kitchen, and went for the goods of greater substance where he had no expectation of being you would have theft.
Because his intent in entering the home was in the giving of gifts according to the expectation of the occupants of the home. If the Jolly Ol’ Fellow, therefore, deviated from the expected course by refusing the milk and cookies and going for the savory victuals in the kitchen, which the occupants of the home did not intend, then he would have committed the heinous crime of larceny. Most likey being a Petty Offense since the value of said vittles would have been of such a value as to not warrant a misdemeanor charge.
Also, our friend in red would not necessarily even be charged if the family of said residence refused to press charges. Hence, our Jolly practitioner of Christmas would be home free.
Brilliant analysis (a/k/a a C in law school)!!
To expand this to the world of torts, one has to wonder if Santa Claus is an invitee, licensee, or trespasser. I’d guess a licensee, but torts was never my strong suit, unfortunately.
Who invited the lawyer? 🙂
No one. They have an amazing ability to slither around then suddenly scare everyone with their presence.
If the milk and cookies were left out for Santa, then it seems he is expected and therefore invited. Not necessarily a guest, but a laborer or tradesman doing the job he is expected to do. rather like the way some the basement door unlatched for the furnace technician to perform his yearly service.
When my grandparents were children, people left their back doors unlocked so the iceman could come into the kitchen to put a block of ice in the icebox.
They didn’t mention that Jesus ascended supernaturally and Santa ascended supernaturally. (Although Luke’s account doesn’t tell us whether or not Jesus did this by laying a finger aside of his nose and giving a nod.)
Then there’s this… Jesus has been in Heaven for a little while, and St. Peter asks Him to check people through the Pearly Gates so he can take a coffee break.
Jesus takes over the job, and as He is admitting people, he sees an old blind man. The man looks very familiar. When he reaches the front of the line, Jesus speaks to him. “Excuse me, old man,” He says. “I think I recognize you. Where did you live back on earth?” “I lived in the Mediterranean area,” replies the old man.
“What was your name?” Jesus asks. “In my country, I was called Joseph.”
“What did you do for a living?” “I was a woodcarver, a craftsman,” replies the old man.
“Did you have any children?” Asks Jesus. “I had a son,” the man replies. “At least, some people said he was my son, but I lost him.”
“Father,” says Jesus, embracing him. “Pinocchio!” says the old man.
Snorting coffee up my nose here.
I love that the guy’s definition of omnipotent is being able to ‘deliver all the toys of the world in one night’. This definition is pretty new to anyone who has ever been to Bible College or read a book.
“Could it be… SATAN???… Isn’t that special.”
(Now doing my Superior Dance.)
I think they got Satan Claus confused with his hired help Pedro Negro who watches the bad children (non-IFB types)
There’s quite a controversy going on in Europe now over continuing the “Black Peter” tradition.
It’s blatantly racist on the face of it, but it’s also a beloved piece of popular folklore.
Years ago, my parents attended an uber fundy church. The youth pastor of said church had 2 little girls. In his vigorous campaign against the evils of Santa, he taught his little girls that Santa was a dirty old man (because, of course, Santa wanted kids to sit on his lap). So, whenever these children saw any image or representation of Santa, they would scream (because that is the preferred method of communication), “dirty old man”! Daddy would beam with pride. No doubt this behavior caused many people to turn to Christ.
I’m less disturbed by this guy’s anti-Santa Claus feelings than by his contention that any adult who lets small children sit in his/her lap is a pervert.
Confucious he say “Infant in lap may dampen Spirit”
Or dampen one’s trousers, anyway.
Pervert seems to be the favorite accusation of IFB pastors. Pentecostals and Charismatics often see demons around every corner and under every rock. IFB pastors see perverts around every corner and under every rock.
They need to get rid of the competition.
They probably went online to the registered sex offender list for their county. In their county is also the local correctional facility. Unfortunately whoever manages that list is allowing all these jailed offenders to be listed at the street address of the CF without noting that they are actually incarcerated. So if you’re not very perceptive, it does in fact appear that there are perverts under every rock, or at the very least, dozens of them seem to be rooming together at some flophouse down the street.
True story here in Michigan. Maybe the average fundy is not very perceptive?…….
The IFB pastors need to look in their mirrors, too.
Its very sad, indeed. A culture of fear.
Do you think they screamed in unison? Do you think they used the creepy possessed demon voice from “The Excorcist”? I’d pay to see that.
Lol. They were nasty little children. Before my mother got her heart right with the mog on this issue, her house was a shrine to Santa. Those little stinkers wouldn’t let it rest when they came to her home. One asked her why she didn’t love Jesus. The Dad was so busy congratulating himself on his stellar parenting skills, he failed to notice that he was raising obnoxious brats.
Stellar parenting skills—congratulating himself—ha ha ha—or maybe HO, HO, HO
Now I have tears in my eyes like when Principal Carter was laughing when the gym teacher was asking for a penis lineup in Porky’s.
But… but “santa clause” come from Sinterklaas… Its Dutch… for Saint Nicolas…
And I would like to say something about those saints and Catholics. I have been going to Mass a couple times a month for a while now.. I like the tradition and that no one talks to me.. Anyway, every time someone “prays to a saint or Mary” they say something like “and may all the saints above hear our voice and give you glory God our Father”…. not asking for healing or wiorshiping in my personal experience.
Well, it was bound to happen eventually. I actually knew (know, I guess, since I haven’t forgotten) the guy who started that site and used to attend the same church with him many years ago. Immediately, I knew he had some really strange ideas (see “conspiracy theories, illuminati, masons, weather control, UN, etc.) but my lack of respect was confirmed when he tried to pass of an article from The Onion as fact in a Sunday School class he was “teaching”. He used this “article” to attack the Harry Potter books (this was 1999-2000, I think) and when I told him that was a humor/satire site, he pretended like he already knew.
Poe’s Law strikes again. Actually I have never read the Potty Horror books.
??? Poe’s law
Never read Potter? You should. The first two are fairly bubble gum, but from there on they’re pretty intense. I’m 50 years old, and they mean a great deal to me. The magic isn’t even sort of real, of course, but the humans are. There’s a lot to be said about the way Rowling deals with bother the good and bad parts of humans and their society, and there is a great deal of Christian ethic in the story. I re-read the whole series a couple of times a year, they are that good. And I usually only re-read Chaucer at that rate. 🙂
Surprised he didn’t use http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
Oh that website makes for great reading! I’ve found where Dan Brown gets all his ideas.
According to Cutting Edge, all of southeast and south Asia will form a single nation by December 2015. India and Pakistan reunited again.
Put it on your calendar, folks! We have a classic “test of a prophet,” here. If it doesn’t happen, the Bible says we can stone him!
Ha! That’s exactly what I was thinking!
I’m gonna steal all the stones that Steven Anderson has been collecting to use against the “Homos/Sodomites. The would beput to better use against the Cutting Edge Wackos.
Btw, the main difference between “Gays” and people like Steven Anderson and the Cutting Edge crowd is that *sometimes* Gays can change.
You’d better hurry, Asia.
Cutting Edge only makes good reading if you are willing to sacrifice brain cells and IQ points. I’d rather keep mine.
Obviously Mr. Best you are part of the Illuminati. Or freemasons.
I can sacrifice brain cells because I am only a woman and don’t really need to use my advanced degree to slave in the kitchen.
Are fundies aware of the fact that jolly old Saint Nicholas punched Arius in the face, thereby defending the Divinity of Christ? I would think they’d appreciate that.
Speaking of which, I recently came across a youtube (I think it was) on FB featuring the song “I Saw Santa Punching Arius,” set to the tune of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
Sounds like a classic.
Here it is:
Not sure how classic it is, though. LOL.
Well, it’s certainly……. different
I’m gonna just go ahead and put this out there. You have all been punked. No possible way that website is for real. Total parody.
Sorry, guys. But that’s a fact.
you can’t say that. Poe’s law
I know the man or knew him and it is most definitely NOT a parody site. A little googling on your part would make this clear.
Can you please reference the information you have that shows that this is a parody site? You claim it to be a fact.
We’re supposed to take it by faith, Scorpio.
No specific information, other than my firm belief that no one is legitimately that stupid/crazy.
It’s a well known fact that the Santa Claus myth grew out of stories told about St Nicolas of Myra. To suggest that Santa was “created” in order to promote some New Age goofiness is to be so completely ignorant of history it simply MUST BE parody.
Further, the comparisons between Santa and Jesus are just plain silly. They both have beards and tell children to behave? Seriously?
No way that’s not a parody.
ITB, you just haven’t been subjected to the same level of wackiness some of the rest of us have. This is mild compared to some of the teaching I heard in my younger days.
At one time I was at a church with a Children’s Church teacher who did a yearly lesson on the dangers of Satan Claus. Much of this info could have been from one of her lessons.
Well, I must say. If it’s not parody, it ought to be. Stephen Colbert would have a hard time doing better.
This is a problem with growing up in fundystan. It can skew your perspective of sanity, or alternately, desensitize you to the insanity.
I remember once on a now-defunct web board centered around indie music that I used to hang out on, somebody pointed out a website – some site claiming to be a group of mothers clamoring against the evils of noise music. Mostly people were laughing at the ridiculous arguments and style of the site, but eventually many (most) people decided it must be a parody site – nobody could be that crazy, and something about it just sounded off. I tended to disagree, because the rantings didn’t sound all that different from anti-rock’n’roll sermons I’d heard as a kid. Eventually, someone found out the place was indeed a parody, put together by some members of the noise music community themselves, but if it hadn’t been proven otherwise, I’d have believed it was real until the end.
One thing I have learned in my many years of walking up and down on the earth is that someone can always be that crazy or that stupid.
Examples are too numerous to mention.
Some people think the moon landing didn’t happen. I know a guy who believes in Sasquatch. I know a Christian who believes in extra-terrestrials. Whatever wacky idea can be conceived can be believed.
Why is Sasquatch belief listed with whacky ideas? Everyone knows that adolescent inhabitants of Skull Island holiday in the Pacific Northwest looking for opportunities to become grainy photographs.
When asked if I’ve seen Sasquatch, I always answer, “Not Yeti.”
Uncle, I do hope you are planning to keep your day job. And also that your day job is not writing comedy skits.
ITBand, you obviously haven’t haven’t seen many of the FWOTW (Fundy Website Of TheWeek) entries to this blog. Take a look as some of those. They are NOT parodies, but genuine expressions of what some people believe. Brings a whole new level to the true meaning of CRAZY
Lady Semp, Do you mean there’s no Sasquatch?
Can you prove there’s no Sasquatch?
Absence of proof is not proof of absence…
And while we mention it, Lady Semp, who says there’s no Extra-Terrestrials? I saw that movie years ago. ET. Changed my poor miserable life.
Thank you, Liutgard.
There no extra-terrestrials. We have plenty, just none extra.
I had Sasquatch taxidermied; the hide is now a blanket for all the terrestrials who live in my house. It gets cold up here.
Personally I think the fundymentalcases who contributed to Cutting Edge should go see a taxidermist.
ITBand, google “Poe’s Law”
I think that’s also the consensus of my family. Although my daughter did laugh as she rolled her eyes in an amused manner Monday afternoon. We were in Moe’s Bookstore in Berkeley, CA, and as I was buying a used book on the history of tank warfare I told the guy I thought the Feng Shui books were out of place.
And this should be in answer to Lady Semp, not a free standing non sequitur.
You’re killing me dead!
You can do this kind of comparison with any, and I mean any, two characters, whether chosen at random or deliberately.
In evolutionary terms, people are strongly programmed to perceive patterns, even if those patterns are meaningless.
For example: Comparison between Jesus Christ and Yogi Bear
Jesus Christ ………………………………Yogi Bear
Born in a stable ………………………… Lives in a den
Hebrew name begins with Y. B. (Yeshua Bar-yosef) …… Name begins with Y.B. (Yogi Bear)
Constant struggles with Pharisees …………. Constant struggles with Rangers
Slept in a rock tomb ………………… Sleeps in a rock cave
Meditated in garden …………………. Lives in park
Shining white clothes at the transfiguration ………………. White collar
Surpasses human understanding ……………….. Smarter than the average bear
Knows what other people are thinking ……….. Knows what Mr. Ranger is doing
Accompanied by Apostles …………….. Accompanied by woodland creatures
Sidekick (Simon/Peter) ………….. Sidekick (Boo-Boo Bear)
Occasional female companion (Mary Magdalene) ……………….. (Cindy Bear)
Fed loaves and fishes to outdoor crowd ……………. Obsessed with pic-a-nics
Linked to seismic activity (earthquake) ……… Linked to seismic activity (geysers)
Talked a lot about stones ……….. Talks about Jellystone
You get the idea.
That will preach.