Holidays

Valentines

116 Comments

Coming soon to your church bookstore, a series of fundy Valentine’s Day cards to suit all needs…

Cover: Roses are red, violets are blue
Inside: I’ll get socialed if I hug you

Cover: I’ll pick you up at 8…
Inside: a.m. For soulwinning.

Cover: You make me shake, you make me shiver…
Inside: You set my culottes all aquiver

Cover: I love you.
Inside: And as soon as my father talks to your father and our pastor agrees, our courtship can begin.

Cover: You’re beautiful.
Inside: And I’d appreciate it if you’d stop that before I stumble.

Cover: Our eyes met across a crowded room…
Inside: …and I knew you’d pass my 104 item dating pre-screening checklist with flying colors.

Cover: Let’s spice this evening up
Inside: And BOTH hold the hymnbook at church

Cover: I love being in love with a pastor.
Inside: I wish my husband were one.

Feel free to add your own…

116 thoughts on “Valentines”

  5. Cover: I love you to the moon and back
    Inside: Just have me back by curfew

    Cover: The sheets went flying and the clothes are all over
    Inside: right before white glove

  8. Cover: I would like to get to KNOW you . . .
    Inside: In the biblical sense

    Cover: So, how do you rate . . .
    Inside: On the Proverbs 31 checklist?

    Cover: I would like you to to be saved . . .
    Inside: by bearing my children (I Tim. 2:15)

    Cover: This could really turn into something special . . .
    Inside: As long as you will submit to my authority

    Cover: I think you’re attractive and desirable. . .
    Inside: Not that I was looking or anything (Matt. 5:28)

  13. I was just recently at the wedding of some Baptist College of Ministry students. So, I’ve heard quite a bit about this courtship stuff. Btw, the rehearsal dinner kind of looked like a clone convention.

  15. John Hamblin’s card for his wife (Song of Songs 7:1-2),

    Cover: Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands

    Inside: Your naval is a rounded goblet that never lacks non-alcoholic, Non-Alcoholic, NON-ALCOHOLIC wine!

    3. 😆 😆 Too bad this wonderful fundy pick-up line will never be used. It’s sinful modern dating to directly ask a girl out (and let’s not even think about the depths of wickedness that is plumbed if a girl asks a boy out!!). All arrangements for contact between boys and girls must be made by parents. Excuse me, by fathers. Women don’t count. They’re only good for making babies and bread.

        1. Ah, but Pastor can not approve unless he personally interviews the victi-er young girl in private. Even then, if she’s hot enoug-er, totally pure, it will take more than one. The wedding should follow quickly enough. 😈

  18. BJU and PCC limited editions….

    Cover: I’m shamelessly ravaging you but what is the source? 😉

    Insude: It’s not necking or hormone’s baby….it’s OPTICAL INTERCOURSE 😯 😯

  23. Alright, introducing an attempt at humor with a disclaimer is probably a bad sign, but here goes nothing. I absolutely do not intend to make light of the Song of Solomon. I also genuinely hope that none of my hackwork is either hurtful or needlessly offensive:

    Cover: A photograph of a smiling Jack Hyles– what better symbol of love could there be?

    Inside: The following poem:

    I send this little poem to you
    With hopes that you may see
    And understand a little, Dear,
    Of what you mean to me.

    Your hair is like that useful mop
    With which I clean my floor–
    Your eyes (like muddy puddles)
    Are the thing that I adore!

    Your eyebrows, like two porcupines,
    Above your nose do meet,
    And serve to frame your lovely face,
    So wonderful and sweet.

    But though I love you hair and eyes,
    My joy would know no bounds,
    And you would be yet lovelier–
    Say, minus fifty pounds.

    However, should you lose no weight,
    I’ll no more call you fat.
    The beating that you gave me once
    Purged folly such as that!

    And so my dearest Valentine
    Permit me now to say
    That Fundamentally I love you–
    More than I can say!

  27. Cover: Baby, you know I’ll always be true
    Inside: There’s a culotta lovin’ here waitin’ for you!

    Cover: This Valentine’s, dearest, I don’t need your bling
    Inside: ‘Cause, Daddy, you gave me this great promise ring!
    XXOOXXO DADDY ‘N’ ME 2GETHER 4EVER UNTIL MISTER RIGHT NEGOTIATES FOR MY HAND!!!

  29. For ATI boys (around the age of 29):

    Daddy Dearest . . .
    . . . may I court your daughter??
    [Questionaire enclosed]

    For ATI girls (around the age of 29):

    Daddy Dearest . . .
    . . . I love being your stay-at-home, proxy second wife!

    [A couple of valentines days ago my dad bought my then-25 year old sister her SECOND promise ring to replace her other one because she wanted bigger diamonds.]

  30. You stole my heart
    On the day we met
    And each new kiss
    Is the sweetest yet
    And how you love me
    Even though I’m a teen
    I’m sorry, sweet Pastor,
    That your wife is so mean
    But someday soon
    When from prison you’re free
    You’ll leave that old hag
    And start a new life with me

  33. Cover: I want YOU!
    Inside: after Jesus and others, of course.

    Cover: I’ll love you for a lifetime…
    Inside: as long as you always stay the same weight.

    Cover: Fulfill my fantasy!
    Inside: Be my ever-submissive wife.
    (It’s not a request.)

    Evangelical version
    Cover: Lead me with strong hands…
    Inside: to the marriage bed.

    From Zsuzsanna Anderson to Steve Anderson
    Cover: Oooh, you’re so manly…
    Inside: when you pisseth against the wall.

    From Mark Driscoll to Grace Driscoll:
    Cover: Happy Valentine’s Day!
    Inside: I want- no, baby, I [i]need[/i] you to stroke my already impossibly large ego.

    1. That last one… I suppose “ego” is more fitting than the other thing this brought to mind, the one a Man-O-gid does wish impossibly large. 😯 🙄

        2. Neutrality on this subject is strictly banned. I just hope you have to good sense to not “see” it.

        3. When the white piano picture first appeared, I was frustrated because I could NOT see what everyone was saying was there. At LAST (after probably several hours), my eyes made sense of it; my mind recalibrated its assumptions about certain lines and angles and at last I could see it!

          Because I couldn’t see it for so long, I understand the doubter and the disbelievers. But it is there!

  38. These are funny.
    With the right graphics you could make a killing selling these at HAC or PCC – maybe eCards? I know plenty of students at HAC would think these are hilarious.

  40. A Conservative Christian Passive-Aggressive Break-Up Song
    By me.

    You said you’d always love me,
    Like Jesus loved his church
    But you, God bless your stupid heart,
    Are an awful, selfish jerk.
    But this is no cruel break-up song,
    I’m too Christian for that, it’s true
    I just wanted you to know that
    I pray for you.

    I pray that God will give you faith,
    And patience and perseverance
    I pray that God convicts your heart
    of all your favorite sins
    I hope God helps you bear persecution
    And you give up drugs and cigarettes
    And it doesn’t mean a thing to me
    that you don’t use them yet.

    I put in prayer requests for you
    At our good baptist church
    I ask them to pray that you’ll give up
    those bodies in your basement
    I tell them you need help with pride
    and cheating on me and being gay.
    I’ve never seen those bodies or that gay porn you own
    But I figure just in case you do
    it couldn’t hurt to pray and so

    I pray that God will give you faith,
    And patience and perseverance
    I pray that God convicts your heart
    of all your favorite sins
    I hope God helps you bear persecution
    And you give up drugs and cigarettes
    And it doesn’t mean a thing to me
    that you don’t use either yet.

    And just in case you’re wondering
    Where else my prayers might end,
    I feel like God is leading me
    to ask out your best friend.
    But still
    I’ll pray for you.

  41. Don’t talk to that old GRACE commission
    We did it with divine permission
    I’m a man of god
    I’m on a mission
    Don’t mess with me
    Don’t kiss and tell
    Or you will surely burn in hell

    1. I can’t wait for our wedding day!

      We’ll get to go from no physical contact at all to the most intimate of touching in just a matter of hours! What fun!

  45. Valentine’s for Fundy-U students:

    Cover: Valentine, will you be mine?
    Inside: Wear those taupe nylons I love if the answer is “yes”

    Cover: I know a woman is never to be forward
    Inside: But let me be the Ruth to your Boaz

    Cover: Valentine, I’m feeling naughty
    Inside: So let’s read Mark Driscoll’s “Real Marriage” and talk about what you will and won’t do

    Cover: Let’s talk numbers Valentine. Proverbs 31 has 31 verses
    Inside: Now let me show you the 50 shades of Grace

    Cover: Valentine, I want to give you a token of my esteem
    Inside: Bring me your Bible and I will sign it

    Cover: Valentine, mark your work pass for 10:30 p.m.
    Inside: And let’s meet at that hotel near your work at 9:30

  47. Cover: “There are sixty queens, and eighty concubines, and damsels without number……
    Inside: ……….Only one is my dove, my perfect one” Song of Solomon, 6:8-9

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