The Obligatory Yearly Hating Santa Post

Santa

This year’s edition comes from Terry Watkins at Jesus-Is-Savior.com wherein we learn that the New Age Religions (whatever they are) have some deity or another named “Sanat Kumara” which is apparently somehow relevant. Fascinating stuff.

Any article about Santa that includes quotes from Texe Marrs has to be good, right?

217 thoughts on “The Obligatory Yearly Hating Santa Post”

    1. Now that I have skimmed the article, oh please. Stretch points and cherry pick. On something that is not worth the time and effort the put into it.

      I am glad I no longer spend my energy worrying about this.

        1. Once you start it’s kind of a snowball effect into total insanity. It doesn’t really take much inspiration to go total nutcase.

  1. Ah yes Satan Claus. I remember working on the bus and other workers wanting to tell the kids there is no Sanya, but being afraid their parents would get mad. Ho ho! Santa wins!

    1. Gasp! 😯 Horrors! Not believe Santa=Satan? Stay away from such heretics, gid will surely smite them!
      Come to think of it, He’s sure taking His time about it… πŸ™„

      1. He is, indeed. It’s true!

        Or if he’s not, at least it’s an excuse to pull out one of my favorite palindromes:

        A Santa dog lived as a devil god at NASA.

  2. I could not stomach reading the whole article, but I skimmed the part about Ozzy’s insane behavior somehow proving elves are another term for demons. I’ll make sure to use that argument the next time someone tries to give me an Elf on the Shelf doll. “No Christmas demons in my house!!”

  3. Okay, the weird little pictures are cute, where can you get a Baby Santa Demon in a manger? πŸ˜†
    Santa on the Cross raises some interesting theological questions as well. πŸ™„ (Check out PJ O’Rourke’s chapter “Weekend Gateway: Heritage USA” from “Holidays In Hell” you’ll be glad you did. :mrgreen: )
    I’ll admit that “Saint Nick” and “Old Nick” is an awkward coincidence. πŸ˜•

  4. Darrell, my friend. You’ve been had. That site is clearly parody.

    And no, I’m not saying that ironically like the 42 year old hipster wannabe I am. It’s actually parody. Gotta be. Nobody can be that dense. Nobody.

    Peace,

        1. A Poe is someone who sort of reverse-trolls; they put up satirical posts or rants that sound like they could be real rants. (Kinda like The Onion, except I think Poes try to skirt the edge of over-the-top and outright ridiculousness.)

        2. IT…I find your lack of faith in Poe’s law disturbing

          β€œWithout a winking smiley or other blatant display of humour, it is impossible to create a parody of fundamentalism that someone won’t mistake for the real thing.”

          Poe’s Law also has an inverse meaning, stating that non-fundamentalists will often mistake sincere expressions of fundamentalist beliefs for parody.

          http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/news/6408927/Internet-rules-and-laws-the-top-10-from-Godwin-to-Poe.html

    1. Is “Claus” another anagram for “Lucas”?
      It’s no secret “Lucas” and “Lucis” is a new-age “code word” for “Lucifer”.

      Yeah, apparently it’s soooooo well-known that nobody thought it even had to be said, ’cause I have never heard of that.

    1. I was thinking about coming in after hours and putting piles of raisinets under all the light up deer people brought in for the Christmas decoration contest.

  5. “Of course, everyone knows Santa lives at the North Pole. Brrr. . . Why the north pole? Nobody lives at the North Pole. . . Why did they pick the NORTH Pole?”

    Because where else are you going to get away with keeping 500 elves and one very humble bumble in indentured servitude and not get arrested.

  6. Why do these fundy sites believe anyone would want to read something that long? (did you go to the website–its like fundamentalism threw up on the page.)

    And how do they get all these quotes from witchcraft books?

    1. They forget that, unlike during sermons, their audience members on the internet can get up and leave any time they want. It’s only a question of how well trained their audience members are, if they’re willing to read the page to the end.

      As for the witchcraft book quotes, I’m sure they read them for the incriminating quotes and nothing else. πŸ˜‰

    2. I really doubt that the people who write this stuff actually read all those occult books, any more than they personally saw the president of that company admitting on TV that he’s a Satanist. They just heard it somewhere, or read it on the interwebs, and that’s confirmation enough, hay-men?

  7. “Lightning, like Satan, always travels the path of least resistance.”

    So do I especially when walking across a busy street. Vehicular resistance sucks!

      1. Don’t forget you can transform the word into “veil” and “vile”. If you put an extra “l” in there you get “ville” which is a French word and there must be some relevance there; I’m not crazy enough to figure out the significance.

        Also, if you put a “d” in front of “evil” then you get “devil”. That can be further transformed into “lived”.

        1. I’m thinking of more things to do with those four letters!! Help!!! I need to find a better hobby.

  8. Hey…He quotes Gail Riplinger’s “excellent book.” I guess that means I ought to believe every word he says.

    Paranoid conspiracy theory at its best. How the heck does one justify finding the devil in a shuffled anagram?

    Switch the letters of Satan and you get Santa. Huh? Then divide by four and square the remainder and you must get King James I guess…lol. Maybe if I throw a thousand verses in there it will make it seem biblical.

      1. NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a “triple dare you”? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

        ++++++++ for the CS ref

  9. I love how every few years fundies come up with some new “facts” that make whatever cultural thing they don’t like be satanic. Makes it really obvious that they knew the old “facts” were weak. Not that they abandon the old “facts.” They just tack on the new ones. lol

    1. I had a parent that would run around at Halloween and Christmas like Ed Grimley wondering if jack-o-lanterns and santa claus was okay or not. One year everything was okay and we would Griswold it to the hilt and the next year all the hand made decorations from years past went in the trash and we started “fresh”. People need to pick one thing and stick with it. By the way when I was stationed in England they called him “Father Christmas”. That would probably make that guy’s head explode :mrgreen:

      1. Oh, he covers the name Father Christmas.

        I won’t quote that whole section here, for fear of stupidity overload, but here’s his conclusion:

        ‘The Devil’s stated goal in Isaiah 14:13-14, is to be god or the “father”. To grab that “crown of the Father”.

        ‘And what better “I will be like the most High. . – name to fame” than “Father of Christ-mass”.

        ‘And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.
        Matthew 23:9’

        1. My bad, I didn’t catch that. I think I had a stupidity overload before I got there. Our home is very happy all year around, especially at Christmas (except when I threaten to build a fire in the fireplace if they don’t go to bed on Christmas Eve). I guess I am keeping my kids from ever reaching the highest level of celestial fundydom (that and I never taught them to play the dulcimer or the pan flute).

        2. Oh, hey, look, more silly-ass exegesis. Verse 4 identifies with no interpretation required the target of Isaiah 14: “thou shalt take up this proverb [later translations say “taunt”] against the King of Babylon.” Not the figurative King of Babylon, the literal King of Babylon. Verses 13-14 are about the king’s hubris. In verse 16 ff. the outcome of his hubris is described: “Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms; that made the world as a wilderness, and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?” This is a clear and exact description of the SOP of conquering Mesopotamian kings.

          But I bet if somebody points all this out to this Grinch he’ll say it must be about Obama.

      1. How do you know they don’t blink? It is probably on a level they eye cannot see, but that still imprints the message on the brain.

        I don’t see them blink. But I don’t know they don’t.

  10. I believe that this all gets back to one thing:

    It’s easier to dream up ‘stuff’ like this and to teach it like some secret dogma than to follow Jesus and his model of humility, service, and sacrifice.

      1. Wait, what? Those guys can actually sing. That is a nice tight harmony right there. Then Bro #1 gets talking. Stick to singing, Bro #1. If Joel Osteen ever had an illness where his voice was raised an octave and pinched a little, you couldn’t tell them apart. Conspiracy alert: Bro #1 is Joel Osteen on the DL. Now I don’t know if that’s right, but I don’t know that it isn’t.
        Further, why the veneration of country churches and old country preachers? Are we to look upon them as Michel de Montaigne’s Noble Savages: somehow closer to the ideal for their lack of sophistication? For my money, those guys are a nearly inexhaustible fount of heterodoxy.

        1. There may be an assumption that small country churches are somehow more authentic. But the preoccupation with little churches in the country may go no deeper than the fact that when they were in their prime, most of the Louvin Brothers’ audience was rural and working class. A small country church was closer to their experience than a megachurch in the city.

          And yes, they sang and played very well. Many country musicians today count the Louvin Brothers as an influence. Most of their songs have a preoccupation with doom and death that, depending on your taste, is either disturbing, moving, or just a curiosity.

        2. Is that a Capitol Records logo I spy with my little eye? They signed a contract with the devils who brought our nation to the brink of destruction with “I Want to Hold Your Hand” and “Little Deuce Coup”?

    1. Oh yes, WTBI. My roommate for a short time (was asked to leave) was the son of the station manager at WTBI and had a show. It was called “The Gospel Battleship”. Fo realz!

  11. I saw the word obligatory and felt like I had to read the whole thing. See what a good little fundy I am?

    Of course it ends with the Sinner’s Prayerβ„’. What else would a bizarre, ill-informed rant about Santa Claus being the devil end on?

    1. Well, Apathetic, you can do what you want, but I went ahead and said the Sinner’s Prayer. Instantly, I had the urge (I think the proper term is “calling”) to write a lengthy, meandering article condemning the African beat of Rock and Roll. Did you know it conjures demons?

        1. Big Gary, let each man labor in the field to which he was called.

          Right now I’m doing research on some new band called the Beatles. If you rearrange the letters it spells Eats Bel. Bel is a demon-god. This obviously is a sacrilege of the Lord’s Supper.

          And these guys use plenty of jungle beats in their music, causing all kinds of spiritual ruckus within the souls of their listeners.

        2. Interestingly, Bill Gothard approved of Strauss waltzes, while simultaneously dedicating the lion’s share of his time in the 80s and 90s to promoting the “jungle beats” theory of why rock music is wrong. (Actually, Bill Gothard is the primary person responsible for coming up with and disseminating some of the crazier theories about rock music. Most of the fundy u materials are, by comparison, pretty tame. Their basic message tends to be: we just don’t like rock music [or black people] and it can be turned to evil ends so it has no place in the church. Bill Gothard’s message has always been that ROCK MUSIC WILL POSSESS YOU WITH DEMONS, literally.)

        3. Nico, you can also get “best ale” out of Beatles. That reminds me, I need to go to the packy and buy some more ale tonight.

          Also, you can get “e-bleats” out of that, which is what sheeple do when they e-amen or e-praise the MOG.

        4. If he approved of Strauss waltzes, did Gothard approve of couples dancing? Because waltzes are, above all, dance music.

        5. Deacon’s Son, did you know that you don’t even have to rearrange the letters in Gothard’s name to get “Got Hard”? Wonder what that’s all about.

        6. semp, you are a woman after my own heart. Best Ale is much better than Eats Bel. If I may advertise a bit, SweetWater’s India Pale Ale is remarkable. Very nice bite, a citrusy-grapefruity aftertaste, 6.3% APV. I’m drinking one now. (Yes, it’s 4:45 am. I keep a weird schedule.) Buy some. If you like hops, you won’t be disappointed.

  12. Rearranging letters of “Santa” yields “Satan”.

    By the same logic, rearranging the letters in “Baptist” yields “Bat spit”

    So the logical conclusion is? Class?

    1. You quote the Marx Brothers…. who are the Same as Karl Marx…. which means you must be a Commie…. which means you can’t be “saved” at all….. Fundy logic. Makes sense to me.

  13. Since this is not a joke, which I originally thought it was, I wonder: What could this author have done with his time, rather than wasting hours, if not days or weeks, putting this together? Any guesses?

        1. Oh my gosh. The poet Donald Hall wrote about how he had to clean out his grandparents’ house (I think it was his grandparents’ house) after their deaths. For decades his grandmother had been saving stuff in neat little boxes and cubby holes — I can just picture it, because my late MIL did the exact same thing. All the boxes were neatly labeled, and he came across one labeled “String too Short to Save.” And that’s exactly what was inside it. I have always loved that story.

    1. Well, I looked over the clutter in the article “by Terry Watkins” (briefly, very briefly). I got to the bottom and saw the question, “WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SAVED?”

      Now, having waded through all that garbage, my inclination is to want to say, “Sorry, Bub. I don’t want to know your crazy, mixed-up, hateful god. If you are an example of ‘saved’ then I want nothing to do with it!”

      I used to be too polite to say such things. I may be on my way to saying them anyway, now.

      What passes for Christianity these days is a real mess.

    1. Am I damned for thinking this Santa’s version of the Kama Sutra? It’s not like he and Mrs.Claus have anything better to do the other 364 days of the year… 😈

  14. I don’t know–he makes a pretty air-tight case. How can you argue against that many KJV verses?

    Full disclosure. We do not do the Santa thing. Has nothing to do with fundyism, though. I wanted the kids to know that my labor, my love, bought those sacks of coal under the tree. We still have a lot of fun with the whole Santa myth, don’t worry. And they have been threatened not to ruin it for their friends who are still Santa Believers. Santa might not be watching, but I am, and you do NOT want to make my shit-list.

    But perhaps the way I told them Santa was non-existent was a little over the top. I told them that one Christmas Eve I awoke to the sounds of some intruder in the living room. I grabbed my gun, peeked around the corner, and saw what appeared to be a large, bearded man taking presents from under the tree. So I capped him. 😈

    1. lol! We do Santa. But the main presents under the tree are known to be from me. They go under the tree in advance of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, Santa places some small gifts on the end of their beds. They are allowed that gift as soon as they wake up, but they may not touch any of the presents under the tree until I give it to them when we are all gathered together.

      It gives me a little more sleep in time πŸ™‚

      (Although one year, Santa gave them chocolate, and there was a bit of a mess to clean out of the carpet when I woke up πŸ™ )

    2. In school, we used to sing:

      Jingle Bells
      Shot gun shells
      Santa Clause is dead.
      Someone stole my BB gun
      and shot him in the head.

      Now we finally know who did it: Nico!

        1. I’m glad I had already had some coffee when I read that. It hurtssss usss it doesss. sssssss. Nassssty, nassty punssster.

  15. I just looked at the full website. My eyes.

    If you thought Bro. Lawson was a conspiracy buff, wait till you scroll down through the Jesus-Is-Savior site.

    But really, I feel sorry for this guy. There seems to be something in his mind, some real instability, that mere fundyism cannot explain. He does mention he has to take Percocet and Morphine Sulphate several times a day to deal with his neck pain. That may be some of it, but still . . . very disturbing things going on here.

    Anyway, I wish him a Merry Christmas. I hope Santa brings him a lot of cool presents.

    1. You may have hit on his inspiration.
      If you consume enough opiates, every conspiracy theory starts to sound true.
      Just read anything by William S. Burroughs, for confirmation of this.

  16. He attacked “ho ho ho”???????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I’ve been in fundy circles for 35 years and haven’t heard that one. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
    Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. If aliens are demons, wouldn’t that be a house divided?

  17. The article spends a lot of time trying to prove that Santa is trying to take the place of God in children’s hearts.

    However, no children I know even think about Santa outside of the Christmas season. They’re not praying to him in Little League asking him to give them a home run. If this is Satan’s attempt to usurp the place of God, one month out of twelve is a pretty pathetic achievement.

  18. “This Christmas Eve millions and millions of little children will climb into their beds ‘looking for their blessed hope and the glorious appearing’ of Santa Claus.

    “There’s not a Christian on the face of this earth looking for and longing for the Lord Jesus Christ as much as the average child looking for their Santa! A child’s stolen faith in the coming of Santa puts the Christian’s faith to shame.

    “They are so excited – Santa’s coming!”

    This isn’t a fair comparison to me. Every child much past age five KNOWS Santa comes the night before Christmas – they’ve experienced it for themselves. They don’t have to take it on faith. All they have to do is WAIT.

    Whereas our belief that Christ will return must be totally of faith. It’s been 2000 years. Now, I still wait with expectancy for His return, but I don’t know when it will be and I have no proof that He will – just faith. The children, on the other hand, know with certainty that they will have material evidence of Santa’s coming spread before them on Christmas morning.

    1. In the Fundy churches I was associated with there was a regular and cyclic hysteria over the the coming of the Lord. Every two or three years some political event would trigger a rapture watch and people all over would be certain the Lord was coming *SOON*.

      Cornelius Vanderbreggan was visiting our church during one of these times. He was presenting his ministry in the Netherlands. For some reason, in talking to him, he made a point to caution me about this kind of expectation. He noted that the Lord had not come when the Apostles expected. Paul expected Christ to come before he died. John expected Him before his death. And for almost 95 generations after John people have expected the Lord to come at any moment.

      He hasn’t come.

      Now we have it as an article of faith that He will Come Again. But even if it could be tomorrow, it likely won’t be. And likely it won’t be this year, or this decade. It could be 40 more years, or another 2000. The point is not to expect His coming at any particular time, but to be ready when He does come. If we are serving the Lord, then when He comes, we should be ready.

      I confess to being rather put out with the Premillenial, Pretribulation rapture sort of prophesy. There has been so much wrong about it, and it has undergone such radical revisions in its teachings and expectations, I look on it as simply another heresy. I used to believe it, as I did dispensationalism (another heresy, I am certain). Frankly, any “new” doctrine that comes along, not having a foundation clearly discernible in the understandings of the Church Fathers is probably heretical.

      And what if He decides not to come back? I wouldn’t blame Him, by the way! But in any case I will still try to live according to His words. Even when I believe the least, the words of Jesus still hold the most value.

      It isn’t at all like Santa. Santa knows when to come, and children know when he will come. But then, to Fundies, instead of Santa’s “Ho, Ho, Ho!” they look forward to God’s judgmental “NO, NO, NO!”

  19. The thing about Jesus-is-savior.com is that no one really seems to know if it’s a parody or not. I’ve seen it discussed in different sites. It was even asked about on Yahoo Questions.

    Which either means that if it’s a parody, they should win some sort of special POE genius award. Or if it’s real, they’ve just handed us a buffet of snark material here.

  20. A little bit about the website master at JIS

    http://davidjstewartexposed.blogspot.com/2011/01/david-j-stewart-pleads-guilty-to-child.html

    From the Expose’ site:
    The intention of this blog is to expose, in love, the errant ‘ministry’ of David J. Stewart, webmaster for http://www.jesus-is-savior.com and http://www.soulwinning.info. We take no pleasure in exposing others sins, however, based on David J. Stewart’s policy of rabidly (and often falsely) attacking other ministers and ministries, the public has the right to know about David J. Stewart’s hypocrisy in his personal behavior and teachings. Jesus loves David J. Stewart and invites him to repent. Our hope and prayer is that he will do so.

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