Friday Challenge: Be Thankful(ish)

photo by By Dennis Crowley

Today’s challenge is to give something for which you are thankful in the style of a fundamentalist humble brag.

I am thankful that I got 20 people saved this last weekend.

I am thankful that I have never even tasted beer.

I am thankful that I have no clue what the inside of a movie theater looks like or how great their sound systems are or how exorbitant the popcorn prices are…

198 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Be Thankful(ish)”

  1. I am thankful for my apron. It reminds me of my place in the home to serve my husband. It also reminds to to carefully replicate recipes from his mother or from the MOG’s wife from scratch. I could go on but I’m kind of scared it’s going to sound like several blogs I’ve seen.

  2. I’m thankful that I don’t smoke and look like a terrible sinner like that guy in the car next to me at the stop light. He is clearly un-saved.

  3. I’m thankful that Dear Old Fundy U realizes that there is no way I can make my own decisions like an adult, and makes so many rules to keep me right with da Lort.

    They have been given the wisdom to know that if I were to hold my boyfriend’s hand or be in any vehicle with him, I would doubtless end up pregnant. They even know that if I were allowed to have earbuds, I might be tempted to listen to heathern, ungodly music like Contemporary Christian Music, the Beach Boys, or that new singer Michael Jackson!

    And they have been so kind as to tell me exactly – to the inch – at what point my legs and shoulders might cause the men on campus to lust, so that I may be careful to avoid that! For I know that if they should have a bad thought about me, it would surely be my fault because Eve, the woman, fell in the Garden.

    I’m so thankful for the Fundy U rules that are, as the Scripture says, “blinders to my eyes.” Maybe I will be blessed enough that I will never have to grow up and make my own decisions. 😉

  4. . . . My cup runneth over with thankfulness, bless God. I’m not done yet, Preacher, sit down and let me testify. You’ll git yer turn later, bless God! I noticed Sister Vivian isn’t here tonight, and the Lord just laid a burden heavy on my heart to tell y’all something, just so we can pray and be an encouragement to a straying member. I was at the Piggly Wiggly this week buying my turkey and fixins, and I noticed Sister Vivian a few aisles away, bless her heart, thumbing through one of them Rolling Stones magazines. She didn’t see me, and I just couldn’t risk ruining my testimony, bless God, by going up and talking to her with her all neck deep in sin like that, enjoying the pleasures of sin for a season–but I couldn’t help noticing she had, bless her heart, a look on her face like she was a-pining for the leeks and onions of Egypt, bless God. I’m so thankful I’ve put my hand to the plow and never looked back. We need to pray for Sister Vivian, that she’ll git the blessed conviction of sin before it’s everlastingly too late. And I’m ’bout to sit down and let the Preacher have his say, bless God, but I just have to say that y’all know I never want the attention, to God be all the glory and honor and praise, but if y’all could find it in your heart of hearts to please remember my divers burning toe warts, that God will give me grace to bear up under these many trials and tribulations he’s blessed me with, I just know God’ll give you blessings in return, pressed down and shaken together and running over, bless God. Hallelujah. Thank you Jesus.

    1. Don’t forget to thank gid for the Toe Warts, and the Insightful Suffering they bring. :mrgreen: Otherwise, gid just might Take Them Away! and we can’t have that, can we? 😉

    2. Yo preacher….imma let you finish in a minute….but Sis Bucketmouth had the best testimony of all time!

  5. I am thankful that Gid is gonna bless me for generously emptying my retirement account and giving it all at our annual building banquet. I can’t out give gid, after all…as my pastor has said numerous times, “Gid shovels it in; I shovel it out; Gid shovels it in…and gid has a larger shovel!”

    So giving is sort of like reinvesting my retirement plan. I am so glad I can trust gid to give me a really wonderful retirement…Not like those stingy people at the church down the street. They will probably end up eating cat food.

    My pastor is such a great example in this. I know he gives, gives, gives…He’s told us so! And he even has a condo in Maui along with other vacation properties! Boy has he ever been blessed!

    If I keep on giving I bet gid will bless me just like him!

  6. Lawd, I am thankful that Hubby’s Bible College degree allowed him to get an assistant Principle’s job at our church’s school. I am thankful that the income is just enough to allow us to get by, with the help of food stamps and food boxes from the food bank. So I don’t have to work. It gets hot in the summer sometimes cause we live near Phoenix and can’t always afford to run the a/c, but then we use ice to cool down. I am thankful that I can stay home and school our childrens. As the churches school don’t give a big enough discount for them to go to it. I am thankful Ma learned me enough to learn them. I am thankful we can stay away from the World and not be drug into sin. :mrgreen:

  7. I’m thankful for a church and pastor who tells me what clothes I should wear, what music I should listen to and who I should be friends with because I am too stupid to make these decisions for myself.

  8. I’m thankful that bro. schaap taught me how to polish my shaft. That was one fine message, preached straight out of the good old KJV, no less.

  9. This guy beat y’all to the punch: “God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican…” (Said with feigned humility in his best Gale Gordon voice).

  10. I am thankful that God has gloriously saved me from the root of bitterness and despair that had taken root in my soul after that “incident.” I am thankful that God has graciously forgiven me for my immodesty in wearing only a sheer covering over my shoulders, which provoked that young man to lust. I am thankful that the church still allows me to come here and talk to people despite my great sin. I’m told I can still find ways to serve the church even though I’m going to have to stay single the rest of my life.

    1. In all seriousness:

      I’m thankful for the liberal feminists who gave me the words to name abuse and violence. I’m thankful for the “pagan” Catholics who made it quite clear that abuse is never the sin of the victim. I’m thankful for the diocese that provides genuine mental health support for free. I’m thankful for the psychologist employed by my state “devil” school who listens to me and gives me the medications I need. And I’m thankful for the many men, Christian and otherwise, who made it clear that they value women for more than what’s between their legs.

      1. Hey, you can’t do that! You’re supposed to list things you’re Thankful for, not things you should be thoroughly ashamed of! 🙄 😛

        1. Hmmm, maybe I should start calling myself “Shameless Woman”?

          I’ve had more than my fill of being “thankful” for being abused and torn apart. Being “thankful” for the parents who were constantly punishing me for perceived attitudes and the normal difficulties children have. Being so very “thankful” that I had people to protect me from the evils of the world. Being “thankful” right up until the fundamentalist mindset happily delivered me up to domestic violence, and then being expected to be “thankful” for the few crumbs I would graciously be allowed as a fallen woman.

          Yes, I’m a little angry right now. Thanksgiving is especially tied to a lot of abuse for me and I had a particular memory surface that disgusts me. Standing up in a church service, as a young teen, and saying that I was thankful to God for all this stuff that I now recognize as tremendously twisted. And I meant it.

      2. In all seriousness, I’m truly thankful you found the real help you desperately need(ed), no matter the source.

      3. JeseC I’m just so sorry you’ve been through all that. I’m glad you’re at a place where you can get real help now.

      4. Absolutely. A completely serious, non-ironic +1, Amen, or whatever type affirmation works best for you, to all of those. Let’s be thankful for all of them.

  11. I’m so thankful for a church that still has it’s doors open even when we have a blizzard! Many liberal churches where they do not love God will close on a day like today, but not mine! We’re so blessed that even when it’s snowing to beat the band our church won’t close and members are still expected to attend, and perform all their duties as usual! In fact we’re so blessed we’ve been asked to pick up extra people who don’t want to drive in this snowy mess so my husband must go out and clean off the car at 8:00 in the morning so we can get going that much earlier than usual! And that we will be among those who REALLY love God, because so many will be absent due to the snow! God will surely see how much better we are than they so He will richly reward us with many blessings! 😀

    In all seriousness, I’m thankful for a church where the pastor has enough sense to cancel church this morning. 😀

    1. the church I used to attend never cancelled that I can 11 or 12 years of attending there. Mind you I live in the tundra and yes it did storm on saturday night/sunday morning, a lot. I remember hearing about how those who could make it would make it. Problem is, we had folks driving from 30 miles away that felt like if the door opened they had better be it was not a very safe situation for those people. Thank goodness they always made it safe and sound. Those mainline churches though, they always cancelled if there was a storm. (Common sense, perhaps?)

      1. The church I used to attend didn’t cancel services when a tropical storm came through. Did a fair amount of damage to the area, and some members’ homes were damaged. But church went on as usual. I’d like to think that we would have been smart enough not to go if we were still members then. Our new church did not have services that day.

  12. Well, y’all know how God’s seen fit to humble me, giving me these here trials and tribulations, and how in all these things we are more than conquerors, bless God, and how I pour out my complaints to the Lord in my prayer closet where my right hand don’t even know what my left hand is a-doing, and I’m eat up with thankfulness to the good Lord, but still, brothers and sisters, there are times that just like our LordnSavior I pray that this cup of suffering just pass from me, but then I pray, “O Lord, as thou wilt, if these warty toes are my cross to bear! I’ll just stand on the firm foundation of your Holy Word, where it says ‘But and if ye suffer for righteousness sake, happy are ye.'” And I remember our Lord never said, “if thy toes offend thee cut them off.”

    One day, bless God, I’m a-gonna walk on streets of gold–no, brothers and sisters, y’all are going to see me running laps on them golden streets!–and I’ll meet you in the morning by the bright river side at the close of life’s long dreary day, and I’ll be able to say ‘how do you do,’ and I’ll see Mama and Daddy and ever-body that’s crossed Old Chilly Jordan covered in the blood of the Lamb, and you’ll know me by the smile that I wear, and O! how my heart rejoices in thankfulness for these warty toes, bless God.

    1. That’s weird. This was supposed to be a reply to Panda Rosa and Brother Doctor Fundystan, under my previous comment. I’m thankful that I’m not well-acquainted enough with these evil computers and Al Gore’s Internet enough to know how these godless comment thingys work.

    2. Ha! That was my uber-fundy youth pastor’s favorite song and we are supposed to sing it at his funeral.

  13. I’m thankful for my small church.

    I’m thankful that my preaching style keeps my core group of people, who are always so very faithful to me, small and manageable.

    I’m so very thankful that my discernment helps me to run off those who don’t see eye-to-eye with me…uh…the bible, and that my wisdom displayed in business meetings brings 100% support and no nays!

  14. or the other twist on it…

    I’m s’thankful that the good Lord has seen fit to save me from the evil wickedness that, I’m ashamed to say, I once was ensnared in.

    Oh, yes. Yes, I was a sinner. I could tell you stories. Stories you wouldn’t believe, about the terrible things I did. I listened to that awful rocknroll music, got drunk ever’ night, did lotsa hard drugs, an’ the women! I ran with the loosest women’ – oh, I could tell you about the awful, awful things those women – wait, where was I? Oh, yes, but the good Lord, in his mercy, saw fit to save me from all of that, and I’m jus’ so, so thankful for it.

  15. Dear SFL Reader:

    Last week, I went to a pub, ate pub grub, and washed it down with ale. I was thankful for that. Does this count?

    Christian Socialist

  16. Laird Donald, did you see my allusion to the smokin’ hot wife on page 1? Great minds…same channels. 😉

  17. I’m so thankful that compromise stops at 20 years behind the world. I wanted guitars and drums and was considered a liberal worship leader. So I had to leave. Of course today the church has both… Still waiting for that apology, ha! Silly me I stepped over the 20 year line… What was I thinking?

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