Potluck Tree. Bigger. Better. Amen?
Evangelist Tree. (Or it would be if they really had Old Testament fire-calling power instead of just the gift of loudness)
Rapture Tree. Poof.
Standards Tree. Not conformed to the image of this world. Also not incredibly practical or safe — just the way we like things.
Church and State Tree. Because the camo trees all sold out early. Thankfully there were still some bald eagle tree toppers left.
Kent Hovind Tree. Proven decisively from Genesis to be only 3 1/2 years old no matter what your carbon dating says.
Ministry Staff Tree. You’re
lucky blessed to be able to afford even this much.
College library tree, the limbs of which are to remain demurely covered at all times. What? Would you wish to celebrate the birth of our Lord with a NAKED tree!?
Soulwinning Tree. We’ve been using the same one for the last fifty years and it’s just as effective now as it was back then.
109 thoughts on “Christmas Trees”
O Baalmas Bush
O Baalmas Bush
Thy lies are so unchanging;
O Baalmas Bush
O Baalmas Bush
How often has the Baalmas Bush
Afforded me some Xmas Tush!
O Baalmas Bush
O Baalmas Bush
This song I’m re-arranging
Oh buddy! That was some good singing!
Yep… I wanna go there!
How about looking in the Holy Bible (Jeremiah 10: 1-11) to see what God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit says instead of what other people say and do. If we truly want to obey God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit, then we will not listen to nor try to keep up with the “Joneses”. Instead, we will look in the Holy Bible and read that God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit disapproves of this. When Emmanuel was born, Joseph did not go out and cut down a tree to decorate to celebrate Emmanuel, God With Us. Nor did Joseph and Mary hang holly and mistletoe, nor did they decorate any other way. Emmanuel’ birth was a very HUMBLE and HOLY time, which if you all would read your Holy Bible faithfully everyday, you would see that God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit demands 100 %reverence from us. HE will not tolerate us splitting our love, time, everything between HIM and any other “god” that we choose to hoar around with. That is what idolatry is: “spiritual harlotry”.
Hey! I did not create the heavens and the earth, nor did I create all living things. I did not create the Holy Bible, BUT the ONE who did create all these, I love, respect, and reverence HIM enough to know that while I am saved, HE still expects me to strive to please HIM. Mocking HIM and hoaring around with other “gods” is not loving, respecting, reverencing, nor pleasing HIM.
You can complain and call me every name in the book, but reality is that it is not me you are fighting against, it is God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit that you are fighting against, and you will lose.
I’m not sure if you’re just rabidly against the idea of Christmas trees in general, or if you think that someone here was suggesting that Christmas trees are “Biblical.”
The problem with living in Fundystan is that there is very little to celebrate this side of eternity.
NOW who’s being anti-IFB?!? Most IFB churches do have a Christmas tree, or at least most people in the IFB do, as far as I know. And my SBC church has 2 trees, and most of the people who go to church there have at least one in their home. Heck, most Christians that I know of have Christmas trees, and the few that don’t it’s because they just don’t want to bother with the putting up, decorating, and taking down when the season is over!
We don’t put up a Christmas tree because half our family is allergic to them.
Also, we have cats.
We always put up an artificial tree and tell the kitty “no!”
You have a cat that respects “no”? Most of my friends cats give you the “who the eff do you think you are” look if you say “no”. 🙂
In my experience, saying “no” works pretty well with most cats while you are in the room and staring at the cat. Once you leave the room, it’s as if you never said it.
Well, it is no different than God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit saying “NO!”, and when we think HE is no longer around or watching, we do as we please.
Now I’m musing on Our Lord Jesus Christ stroking His Mother’s Cat, sitting and purring in His lap.
Fortunately for our new artificial tree, our cats are getting along in years, and no longer regard climbing the tree as their yearly challenge. Thanks to them–and their predecessors–we’ve had more than one tree end up crashing to the floor.
Our cats’ motto: If you didn’t see it, we didn’t do it.
@Not In the Clique
Just a note, saying “God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit” instead of just using one name of God at a time doesn’t make you sound more spiritual, it just sounds silly. The Bible itself doesn’t even throw five or six names together and call it “emphasis.”
And lighten up. You can still have great reverence for God, and still celebrate Christmas in a way that doesn’t seek to deliberately alienate everyone else around you. 😛
Who in the world here do you think is calling you names?
What is the point of this comment? You are saying the Bible says we shouldn’t put up a tree or decorate? For all your whining about how much better you are than everyone, you seem to have eisegeted that part into the text.
Yet you wonder why we won’t let you in our clique 😉
With off-the-wall comments like that, the name might as well be “Will Never Be In The Clique”.
I get the feeling that you are insecure about how spiritual you are. And you are fighting that feeling by saying “Well, at least I’m more spiritual than the group at SFL!” But, NITC, that feeling might actually be God calling you more to Himself, making you aware of how shaky trying to measure your spirtuality is. You see, spirituality is NOT a contest. And God’s grace is bigger than we all are. If you take a measure of spirituality, no matter what measurement you use, some people will always be “less spiritual” than you are, and some will always be “more spiritual.” Therefore, if you make being spiritual a contest, you will always feel insecure about it. No, what we all need to do is fall on God’s grace. And when we do that, we will realize that God loves us all and that we do not need to compare our spirituality with others.
Most Christians celebrate Christmas. It’s fine to put up a tree. My problem with the Anti-Christmas-tree crowd is that they claim their opinion is the only correct, Christian, Biblical one.
He definitely took the Bible’s silence on the subject as a ban.
NITC, I think your attitute can be summed up as “IF IT IS NOT IN THE BIBLE, DON’T DO IT!”
Paul, I had that exact same thought! And, of course, such an attitude is self-defeating. Are IFB church buildings in the Bible? Are bus ministries in the Bible? (Heck, are buses in the Bible?) Are altar calls in the Bible? Are Sunday Schools in the Bible? Are suits and ties in the Bible? Are long shapeless denim skirts in the Bible?
Most of the trappings of modern Christian life — across all denominations, including IFB — are not in the Bible. So what? The Bible was never intended to be an Encyclopedia of Everything. 😆
“IF IT IS NOT IN THE BIBLE, DON’T DO IT!”
I guess that rules out using electronic devices like computers.
Actually, God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit tells you what HE thinks of your Christmas Tree in Jeremiah 10: 1-11. If you would read your Holy Bible faithfully everyday, you would know this; but somehow I am beginning to see that even if people on this site were to open up their Holy Bible and read it faithfully everyday, they would intentionally willfully disobey God, which such disobedience is nothing more than rebellion, and God considers rebellion as witchcraft.
Yes this is in the Holy Bible! Please people! Please consider what wickedness you are committing! Are your souls so worthless to you that you want to be in hell and then the Lake of Fire? If you were given the gift of seeing what hell and the Lake of Fire looks like; if you were given the gift of seeing the future (ex: It’s A Wonderful Life) you would change your ways quickly. Knowing this, why are you so rebellious just because you did not see it yet? Is your faith in the truth of the God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit of the Holy Bible non-existent that you spit at God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit’ through mockery, belligerence, rebellion, hatred for HIM and for others, idolatry, and much, much more?
PLEASE! DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELVES!
It is appointed unto man to die once and then the judgment. Once you are in eternity, wherever that is, if you decide you do not like where you are, you cannot say to God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit “Hey Lord! I don’t like it down here. I want to change my reservations!” YOU ARE STUCK FOR EVER! There are no U-TURNS, no second chances, no cancellation or change of reservations, no bribing the JUDGE nor the angels, no getting out on “good behavior”, no parole, NO ESCAPE.
PLEASE! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELVES!
I’ve really gotta ask…what’s with the “God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit” bit? I mean, the Bible never refers to the Godhead that way, so you’re obviously doing it wrong.
Just to be clear, Jesus hadn’t been born when Jeremiah wrote. Also I don’t believe the climate in the Middle East has been conducive to evergreen trees growing in recorded history.
OK, Not in the Clique had me going for a while, but this does it. You are a Poe, NITC.
Lol. Nice Poe, NITC. Although, I have to admit, if your God sends people to hell for putting up a Christmas tree…I’d probably rather be in hell than have to put up with Him for eternity.
NITC, do you think I will burn in Hell because I put up a Christmas tree? What about the work that Jesus did for me on Calvary? Is that negated by a Christmas tree?
NITC, I think you are a POE! but I may be wrong. I have thought others have been Poes and discovered that they would lay down their lives for what they say. So, NITC, are you for real or not?
First of all:
I hope you had a safe and enjoyable pagan holiday.
Now as for your question:
It does not matter whether you believe me or not. What matters is the only thing that matters: do you believe God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit? Because, HE IS REAL.
Not believing me does not matter. Not believing God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit does matter and has devastating consequences in the end. So, instead of spending your life wondering if I am real or not, spend your life, however long that is, believing, trusting, knowing, and serving God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit faithfully. Because, one day you will meet HIM face to face and if HE was never real to you………………….
I do read my Bible, and I recently read I Cor 8 that speaks about us knowing that an idol is nothing and there is but one God.
I have also read Jeremiah and do not believe it is speaking of Christmas trees. You are free to believe that such is the case, but I don’t agree.
Bravo Fred! Another excellent poe. Very subtle this time. 😉
You aren’t the first to trot out that passage and misuse it, and you won’t be the last. But you add yourself to the List of the Ludicrous by doing so. That passage isn’t talking about Christmas trees. It’s talking about idols carved from wood. I understood that the first time I read the passage, when I was nine years old.
Sometimes, you have really good comments. Other times…
I used to consider myself to be the King of the Long Posts, but after some of your recent efforts, I prostrate myself in humble acknowledgement of your superiority. Wow!
One last thing. What is with the “God Jesus Christ Holy Spirit” construct? Are you trying to remind yourself of the Trinity or something?
😆 I choked on my drink, especially at Standards Tree. That one is my favorite (and so very true).
I liked the Soul-Winning Tree… the caption was great!
This post is full of awesome, Darrell. Well done!!
I actually have four trees in my house all decorated a different theme. We do not worship them but enjiy their beauty and the memories they bring to us. Sorry ” not in the clique” you have it wrong. We arent taking anything away from Jesus. I’m enjoying my decorations just as I do for every holiday I decorate for including 4th of july flags and banners to celebrate independence.
It’s a holiday tree! 👿
I’m offended at you’re use of the word Christmas, and I now feel excluded. You’re so intolerant.
Seriously though, love the post. My favorite is the ministry staff tree.
College library tree made me laugh out loud.
Yeah, me too. I got a chuckle out of Kent Hovind’s rock tree also.
LOL!! Awesome post for today Darrell!
College tree is too funny.
No kidding! It’s like eating you can make some Ramen noodles and that would be your Christmas meal. I remember some students being so poor, they couldn’t even go HOME for Christmas! Thank God I lived only a little over an hour away from Maranatha b/c I used to drive home for the weekend to get away from the insanity.
I always hated the way they would make you fill out that stupid sheet once a week on where you went to church. We had to go three times a week or we would get demerits even if we were home.
My favorite is the Rapture Tree! 😆
I want a library tree.
I love the standards tree! I want one! Life’s too nasty to be normal!
Wow, this post is just full of awesomeness. I don’t think anything more needs to be said. Except that NITC is doing a good Grinch impression.
I always thought that I grew up very strict, but we always had a Christmas tree, and I didn’t realize that anyone ever had a problem with it. Then I met someone in my former church who told me that at their former church, they had a pamphlet discussing the “true” symbolism behind the Christmas decorations. A tree in it’s normal position represented an erect penis. A tree upside down (see the Standards tree) looks like a vagina. A wreath represents intercourse. After all, holes must be filled 🙄
I would love to see a compilation of all the wacky “true” symbolism behind various things. I’ve heard an IFB preacher say that the US flag is a symbol of the Gospel witness in the world. Think about it: the stars in the field of blue remind us of the starry sky (a picture of heaven) and then we think, “how can I get there?” The Bible says by his STRIPES (7 red, 6 white = more symbolism) we are healed. Craziness.
Did the tract really discuss an upside-down Christmas tree? I never would have thought of putting one upside down!!!!
That was my thought too. Why would anyone look at a tree and think about it being upside down? The mental gymnastics required to think of these things are truly impressive. Honestly, that was one of the things (in addition to others, such as their “Slit Book” which was about all the different types of skirt slits, which are acceptable, and how to sew or pin them so they would be modest) that made me really start wondering why “we” are/were so worried about such trivial things.
I’ve seen upside-trees before, kind of a joke, but some few folks enjoy them. Supposedly they’re easier to deal with, as they certainly don’t take up as much room, and you don’t have to deal with Leaning Tree Horror. 😯
There was a mini-fad for upside-down Christmas trees a few years ago (you attach it to the ceiling, in case you were wondering).
The pitch was that it takes up less floor space. Also, you can put it out of reach of toddlers and some pets, if your tree is shorter than the floor-to-ceiling height.
Clearly you don’t have cats, if you think there’s any such thing as “out of reach.”
JeseC: I already said I have cats, and that’s why I don’t have a Christmas tree (see thread above).
That’s why I said *some* pets. I was thinking maybe of small dogs or miniature pigs, or other creatures with limited jumping and climbing ability.
Ah that would explain it. We’re just experiencing a new kitten with an uncanny ability to get into anything at all. Even if it means jumping 4 feet straight up into the air.
Now I know what the round glass ornaments represent… especially the blue ones.
The right side up Christmas trees are not getting around enough upside down Christmas trees!
Or a severe shortage on wreathing
And it’s scandalous for a female to… you know… a peppermint stick.
Candy canes should be treated as if they are bananas… just sayin!
How do you think forests came about?
Gives a whole new meaning to “A Woody” doesn’t it?
😯 😳 😯
“A tree in its normal position represented an erect penis. A tree upside down (see the Standards tree) looks like a vagina. A wreath represents intercourse.”
Man, some people really need to get out more.
And/or these people look REALLY strange with their pants off.
While the right-side up tree I can understand, (and is there any erect tall thing that DOESN’T represent a penis 😯 😳 🙄 ?) I have looked and looked at the upside-down one and can’t see anything even remotely like a vagina. The wreath makes more sense as one, but that’s not what the MOG said. Maybe I’m just not Christian enough.
But I’m never going to leave a wreath next to my Christmas tree again.
I think people see penises all over the place because that is what’s on their mind. That shape is merely an efficient shape. Hence jets are that shape and that’s why sharks are shaped like that.
As Freud may have said “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”.
The only thing I can think is maybe the general vaginal area. How to put this delicately: Like maybe a naked, unshaven woman, and the tip of the tree is pointing down toward her “lady bits”.
Apathetic, you’ve seen some weird looking jets and sharks.
Must be from “Westside Story” the nudist version.
. . . I have never heard of that before.
But I have heard that holly was considered feminine because the red berries symbolized menstrual blood, and mistletoe was considered masculine because the white berries symbolized semen.
. . . nothing says Christmas like sneaking a kiss under the semen symbolism!
…And a whole lot of SFL people seem to need a cold shower. (Or, in many places in the US right now, just going outside in your summer PJ’s will cool your jets!) 😆
The next generation is depending on the jets staying warmed up!
Big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats but the reason big Jets don’t have little Jets is here at SFL Airlines Scorpio pulls out on time. 😯 😉
If there’s one thing that can be said about the captain, his planes always depart on time!
Funniest post of the year Darrel! Great job!
Love the Rapture tree, finding the Standards tree hilarious, and wondering where the heck that red white and blue number showed up.
How about a picture of the Jack Schaap tree?
It’s in another state at the moment…
LOL! you have to warn me next time, I almost spit coffee all over my keyboard.
LOL that was beyond hilarious!! 😀
Great post! LOL, too funny! NITC proved how Fundydom can crush a sense of humor!
Jack Schaap tree would be be too tragic and too perverted to be funny.
I loved the library tree! Haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Thanks!
Thus, in celebration of the Birth of Jesus (Christmas), we have:
+ a tree (remembrance of what Jesus did on the cross which is called a tree).
+ lights and ornaments (representational of the glory, and wonder of what Jesus did on the cross).
+ a star at the top, representing the star that was above Jesus Christ at his birth time.
+ and we give gifts (God gave us the gift of Jesus on his birth, the wise men gave Jesus birthday presents, and Jesus gave us the gift of salvation on the tree. We continue in the tradition by following in the joy of giving gifts.)
Bahahahaha – the College library bush! (now my cat is looking at me strangely – I don’t usually bark out laughing)
This post made my day. Thank you.
Darrell, this is all kinds of awesome. Thank you for the laugh today. 🙂
Every tree is sacred
Every tree is great
If a tree gets decorated
God gets quite irate
With apologies to Monty Python
This made me laugh so very much. Nicely done.
Is it true that the Jack Hyles tree can be IMMEDIATELY and COMPLETELY swept under the rug?
No, but it is hidden behind secret door #1.
Our cat Toaster was chewing on our artificial tree today. I yelled a stern, “No!” He ignored me. So I started to whack his rear with the paperback book I was reading. Then he looked confused like, “Why is the tree making my butt hurt?”
If he chews throught the wire to the Christmas lights, Toaster might be toast. 😯
I had a cat who did chew the lights cord, and burned his lips. There was a big flash, and he ran across the house before I could figure out what happened. The vet gave me sour apple spray and cream to put on anything I didn’t want him to chew. WORKED!
Because of my work schedule, I’m late to this, but I want to wish most of you
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
and to the rest:
A VERY MERRY WHATEVER DOESN’T OFFEND YOU!!!
Wondering what would have happened if the IFB pastor was on the receiving end (instead of giving, apparently) the “Ministry Staff Tree” (aka the Charlie Brown tree). Would make a very interesting scene at the next board meeting or service.
Too bad JS isn’t available. The Hovind tree sure needs polishing.
How do you post photos to this blog? I would like to post a Christmas tree made of condoms……
Made me laugh!