Commandments Concerning Children’s Songs

And when it shall come up on thee that thou shalt spirit the children of thy congregation away to a separate place so that the sound of their crying shall in no way quench the spirit during the songs or the sermon or the invitation that thou shalt verily rehearse children’s songs in their ears that they may learn of great Bible truths and doctrines such as are meet. And the singing of these songs shall ever be on thus wise…

Thou shalt strive with all diligence to teach them of the Wiggle Worm and of the Poochy Lip and of the what they shall do with their hands and feet when they are happy and they know it. They shall then learn many motion songs and shall verily demonstrate that Father Abraham had both many sons and a wicked case of ADHD. They shall also sing of children of politically incorrect color designations and shall thereby signify that Jesus loves them regardless of their bad luck to be born that way.

And if thou shalt attend to follow all the words of this commandment then shall thy children certainly have joy down in their hearts (where? down in their hearts) and they shall let their little light shine and climb up sunshine mountain to make the devil sit on all manner of unpleasant things. But of the CCM song or of the Praise chorus thou shalt not sing. For they are repetitive and inane and prone to not be full of Bible unlike the good old songs we sang when we were kids and such as shall be sung by our children and our children’s children forever and ever, amen.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 662.

218 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Children’s Songs”

  1. Whose side are you leaning on?

    Whose side are you leaning on
    I’m leaning on the Lord’s side
    Whose side are you leaning on
    I’m leaning on the Lord’s side
    Leaning (x9) I’m leaning on the Lord’s side.

    Whose side are you smiling on
    I’m smiling on the Lord’s side
    Whose side are you smiling on
    I’m smiling on the Lord’s side
    Smiling (x9) I’m smiling on the Lord’s side.

    Whose side are you dancing on
    I’m dancing on the Lord’s side
    Whose side are you dancing on
    I’m dancing on the Lord’s side
    Dancing (x9) I’m dancing on the Lord’s side.

    Whose side are you clapping on
    I’m clapping on the Lord’s side
    Whose side are you clapping on
    I’m clapping on the Lord’s side
    Clapping (x9) I’m clapping on the Lord’s side.

  2. I tell you Brothers and Sisters, these songs are chock full of truth and nuggets of gold plated wonder regarding a plastic Jesus. mmmmmmmm, tell it!
    These are the kind of songs, mmmmmmmmmm sing it, that lay the foundation on which we can build the next IFB generation, mmmmmmmmm preach it!
    It does my heart good to see youngins so full of the Joy, Joy, Joy down in their hearts! mmmmmmmmm say it again! Down in their hearts! Can I get an “A-MEN!”? mmmmmmmm shout it!
    Awwwww, we’re ’bout to have church here now! mmmmmmmm can you feel it? I say, “Can you feel it!” mmmmmmm I’m ’bout to run a lap around the church! Are you with me?

    *10 min later: “Hello? 911? Yes we need an ambulance at the “Holier Than Thou, 1611 King James, Independent, Fundamental, Baptist church. hummmm? yeah, Big Brother Billy tried to run a lap around the…. no sir ain’t nobody here gonna put their lips to his’n, we don’t allow that kinda’ junk ’round here. Naw, his wife ain’t here neither so no lady can do it neither. CPR? What’s that? We don’t go fer none of that libril stuff neither. mmmm? welll send ’em quick he’s turnin’ a right purdy shade of blue.” 🙄

  3. And verily when the Holy Spirit shall move thy heart, though shalt lift up thy voice to sing of roller skates, and how such a form of conveyance shall be no means cause the to enter into heaven; for verily, though shalt roll past the golden gates in all haste and be wasted in the outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.

    1. For they will have forsaken their shin pads and forsaken their elbow pads and most grievous of all have forsaken their helmets and therefore deserve all the gnashing of teeth they get, for hath not the LORD and even moreso their own MOTHERS decreed, yeah unto at least a thousand times or more, the importance of the shin pads and of the elbow pads and most of all of the very helmet? 😆

  4. When I was 13, back in the late 60s, my family landed in an IFB church where we sang kids’ songs on Sunday evening. Even if the youngest kid in the place was me! The pastor just loved getting all the adults doing the motions to “Climb, Climb up Sunshine Mountain” and there was plenty of hand clapping, foot stomping and amening on “If You’re Saved and You Know It.” Another one was about the rapture.
    I’m going up, I’m going up, (arms up, fingertips on shoulders until the word “up”, then…up)
    I’m going up in the first resurrection
    I’m going up, I’m going up
    I’m going up with my Lord
    They’ll be coming from the east, coming from the west
    Coming from the north,
    coming from the south
    I’m ging up, I’m going up
    I’m going up with my Lord

    When the directions were sung you turned to face that direction. It became confusing because some people considered the floor the map and the preacher was at the north. Others were more location savvy and knew that the peacher was actually standing on the east side. And they turned accordingly. I think they were in rebellion, wishing to cause confusion in the congregation in retaliation for being subjected to the humiliation of singing children’s motion songs. Sheesh! It was awful.

  5. I was doing some late night reading and stumbled on this site through a related Google search. I was wondering why you were all makeing fun of something that I take so seriously. I thank God for children’s songs that are easy to remember and that teach the great truths of the faith. If you’re going to make fun of Independent Fundamental Baptists, that’s fine, but please leave my children alone. I do my best before God and some of my efforts include teaching my kids “This little light of mine” and “Climb climb up sunshine mountian” and “My quiet time” by Ron Hamilton. Patch the Pirate is a great roll model for my kids and he teaches strong, deep Christian character. I am ashamed.

        1. Let’s hope you put your kids in a school where the learn to spell better. And there’s nothing wrong at all with mocking children’s songs, and Ron Hamilton isn’t a particularly good song writer, nor do his songs teach lessons that are all the great.

    1. Ron Hamilton wrote the occasional nice little ditties, though his music lacked any staying power (except in churches which maintain a Strong Stand against CCM – unless that CCM was written when THEY were young, back in the 1970s, or was written by one of their Approved Composers). He also wrote about how little girls wanted to marry Daddy when they grow up. He apparently never considered how humiliating it would be for churches all across the Fruited Plain to force their daughters (who appear to have more sense than the adults) to sing this song in public.

      If that well-known (in some circles) song is not deeply creepy to you, you SHOULD be ashamed as you claim to be here.

      As an aside, if you are not a Fransiscan monk, you can drop the [just as deeply creepy] “Bro.” from your moniker.

  6. That book must come in “Black People’s Special Edition(revised)” because we used to sing the same inane insipid songs in the church I grew up in. And there needs to be a long moratorium on that “B.I.B.I.E.” song.

  7. Of course the all laughter verse of “The Joy of the Lord is my Strength” is a great choral warm up song with all the Heches to wake up the diaphragm. You can even sing it with eighth notes to get a few more tummy pulses in.

    Oh the Joy of the Lord is my Strenth”

  8. On Inculcating Fakery And Stupidity

    Dear SFL Reader:

    It seems to me that if religious charlatans wanted to nurture a self-perpetuating culture of unthinking and fundamentally hypocritical people on which to prey, they could hardly do better than to start young and with drivel like this …

    I’ve got something in my pocket,
    It belongs upon my face,
    I keep it close beside me
    In a most convenient place.
    I’m sure you couldn’t guess it,
    If you tried a long long while.
    So, I’ll take it out and put it on –
    It’s a great big Christian smile !!

    Has this occurred to anyone else?

    Christian Socialist

    1. Used to sing that in Brownie Girl Scouts, only we sang “It’s a great big Brownie smile!” I wonder which version came first? I think it maybe makes a little more sense with Brownies and the Brownie smile. The word Brownie seems to go a little better in the last line too. 😆

      1. Wait a minute? Did I get this wrong? Are you saying they COULD do this, or that they DO do this? I just looked it up on the Web, and I didn’t find a version with the word “Christian” in it. I found a version with the word “Beautiful” though! 😆

  9. I’m in the Lord’s Army
    Girls’ Verse

    I may never wear skirts above my knees
    Kiss boys behind the trees
    Wear makeup for all to see
    I may never marry till I’m 93
    But I’m in the Lord’s army
    “Yes, Ma’am!”

  10. Alternate Versions to “I Am a C…”

    I am a Cong
    I am a Cong Hong
    I am a Cong Hong Rong I Song Tong I A Nong
    And I have Cong Hong Rong I Sing Tong
    In my Hong E A Rong Tong
    And I will Long I Vong E
    E Tong E Rong Nong A Long Long Tom

    Repeat with any of the following endings…
    -uff, -ing, -at, -in, but not -uck or -it (you could accidentally fumble a word or two and get into real trouble)

  11. Peanut butter, crunchy crunchy
    I love Jesusa bunchy bunchy

    Peanut butter, creamy creamy
    The devil is a meany meany

    I know this is deep

    Another verse could be

    Peanut butter, creamy creamy
    Pastor (name) is dreamy dreamy

    But some would think it has sexual overtones

  12. What about the song that ponds in the idea of not thinking for yourself or questioning something you don’t understand or agree with?

    I will obey the first time I’m told
    I will obey right away
    Never asking why
    Never with a sigh
    I will obey right away

  13. And lo, thou shalt sing that he is King Of Kings and Lord Of Lords, glory hallelujah.

    And ye shalt also sing that he is Prince Of Peace, also glory hallelujah.

    And thou shalt get caught in the rhythm of the round and thou shalt not stop singing until someone falleth over or until thy youth leader needeth to leave or thy parents bangeth on the door to retrieveth thee, for thou hast sung through the entire altar call.

    (I think we went for fifteen to thirty minutes once when I was in the second grade. Two sets of one line repeated twice. Over and over.)

    (It’s still my favorite children’s church earworm.)

      1. I did not know they had done a version of it, but yes.

        Think more along the lines of this:

        Like I said, favorite children’s church earworm. And the best part is it’s so hard to get WRONG – even if you mishear it as ‘he is prince of peace’ instead of ‘Jesus, prince of peace’ as I did for years, the theology and song still work.

        Our children’s church was all right most of the time (we were fundie-leaning SBC instead of IBF), and our rules on music were rather open.

  14. And when it arises in due time that it be necessary to warn the children of the dangers of their own body, and so we shall admonish them to be careful little eyes what they see, little ears what they hear, little hands what they do (CLAP CLAP), little feet where they go (STOMP STOMP), and little tongues what they say (SHHH! SHHH!), for there be a Savio(u)r up above looking down upon them with love.

    And behold! When the cautioning is complete, so that the children do not forget the admonishment, it shall become necessary to repeat all of the body parts at once, warning the children to watch your eyesyourearsyourhandsyourfeetyourtongue and then your tongueyourfeetyourhandsyourearsyoureyes, with all necessary motions, sung one notch faster than humanly possible, such that the elderly song leader be left thoroughly in the dust, much to the delight of the children.

    Or maybe that’s just how we do it. This song is bizarrely popular at our (non-fundy, I should clarify) Sunday School. I’ve never seen the appeal myself.

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