Unintentional Self-Parodies

Keys to starting a successful Bible Institute:

1) Choose a name that symbolizes pain, grief, and exhaustion.

2) Make sure everybody in your advertising has at least one honorary doctorate.

3) When you hire a professor of Homiletics make sure he’s a a guy who does stuff like this and this and all of this.

4) Make sure the picture of your college President makes him look more than a little disturbed. That way the crazies who sign up will know they’re among friends.

When I see things like this it makes me wonder if there’s really any point writing parody of fundamentalists. It seems they’ve taken up the task of self-mockery with a vigor that I’m unlikely to be able to rival.

120 thoughts on “Unintentional Self-Parodies”

    1. From the website: “Gethsemane Bible Institute has received a Letter of Exemption form Certification issued by the Arkansas Department of Higher Education to offer non-academic or church-related courses and grant non-academic awards or church-related degrees.

      The Student should be aware that credit hours for courses offered by Gethsemane Bible Institute may not transfer. Acceptance of course credits for transfer is at the discretion of the receiving institution.

      To enroll in GBI you must have high school diploma or equivelent.”

      At least they’re being honest about accreditation. But it’s just as obvious that there’s no point in attending the institute.

      1. So, if I wanna be a copy editor for the Sword, I should go to Gethsemane? I wonder if I should bring my “Hooked on Phonics” stuff… πŸ™„

      2. Not “exactly” being honest. Credits transfer is not “at the discretion of the receiving institution”, it is disallowed by the state of Arkansas for all accredited colleges and universities. Sort of limits your options…

    1. I just want to say Dr. Collins looks kinda scary. . . and his last name is strangely familiar. 😈

  1. “not ready to commit to a full-time schedule”? whatever happened to taking up the cross, leaving all behind, not looking back from the plow, etc? I’ve never heard fundies talk this way before when it comes to THE CALL to preach . . . they must be flamin’ librals to suggest that training as a Mog is not necessarily worth the price of moving, or taking on a fulltime schedule, or paying lots of money, or pretty much giving up your whole life to get up at 5:30 every Saturday to go fill your soulwinning quota (ala HAC).

    1. “Not ready to commit to a full-time schedule” is code for someone who is already preaching and pastoring a church without completing bible college. MOGs like that present a classic conundrum for fundies. On the one hand, you can’t tell them that they are doing anything wrong by jumping into the ministry without even the thin veneer of preparation that bible college provides because Jesus didn’t need no college, haymen. On the other hand they represent a loss of revenue for the bible college movement by their refusal to attend and pay for classes and the example they set for others that it’s OK to be an IFB pastor without completing a bible college degree (a/k/a waiting to be bestowed with a free honorary doctorate).

      Gethsemane seems to have solved the latter of these two problems by requiring its students to send payment in full (or enroll in a payment plan) at the time of their application. Once the bible college gets the money, they don’t care how long it takes you to complete the program. Indeed, they don’t care whether you complete it at all. It’s similar to the PCC/BJU “expell a bunch of students after the tuition refund deadline has passed” method, just less sophisticated.

  2. Great point. The posts on this blog are mostly just showing people how crazy these people are. Very little satire needed. After wasting a couple of years at HAC and enduring all of the crap that goes with Fundydom, I find the posts on here that simply reveal how out of touch these people are to be the most refreshing.

  3. Again we see the focus is on men. Nowhere is God mentioned in the ad, nowhere is Christ honored in the ad. When you arrive at the home page of this site there is no mention of Christ… there is a marquee that rotates Bible verses and photos but the focus of the page is on Tony Hutson and the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible translation.

    Follow the $$$$

    1. Isn’t celebrating the 400th anniversary of the KJV good enough to sanctify the whole website? I mean, after all, the KJV is the 4th member of the Holy Trinity, hay-men?

      1. a pox upon me for not seeing that! But of course! The veneration of the KJV surely proclaims the majesty of God better than anything else in the world. All Hail the Power of Ol’King James let Wellington’s prostate fall!

        1. *GASP* *WHEEZE* Don, that had me literally laughing out loud. BWAHAHAHA! πŸ˜†

  4. Hutson is a clown, not a preacher. If he was a preacher he would open his Bible and proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have yet to see him do that in any of the video clips I have watched.

    1. He actually does an in depth verse by verse study all the time. Reading complete books and does not skip. You only see and say the side that promotes your opinion.

  5. Wow, if only I had known that all you had to do to start a bible college is write “semester one . . . semester two” and then assign random books of the Bible to those semesters!!! 😯

    My wife and I often joke that if we ever are out of work in this economy all we would have to do to get by is start a Bible College. And now that Jack Hyles has been dead long enough for online Bible colleges to be OK, the start-up costs are almost nothing at all.

  6. They have had 764007. I thought displaying counters on your homepage left the building when Geocities and Lycos ended.

    1. It’s probably an important metric to them, kind of like bus ministry numbers, attendance figures, and commitments.

      1. OK, St. George is looking over me this morning. Don’t know how this draft got published.

    2. It’s probably an important metric to them, kind of like bus ministry numbers, attendance figures, and commitments (and just as accurate.)

  7. Their 4 member faculty all listed ministering and being with their families a their hobbies, except Jerry Bell. Apparently as the only one with a real PhD and probably the only one with a real undergraduate and masters degree he doesn’t enjoy ministering and his family a hobbies. Flaming liberal!

  8. I listened to a little part of the first link Darrell posted of Tony Hutson. He said nothing about or remotely related to God or Jesus. And your last comment, about their “vigor that I’m unlikely to be able to rival,” now that is a turn of phrase.

    Vigor? Why, bless gawd, they have so much vigor, they need whole milk, butter in their mashed potatoes, and a gallon of caffeinated coffee to get through the day. He said those things as though he were more spiritual than anyone in that place. Then the average Joe in the pew hears him and thinks, “Well, if I want to be as spiritually powerful (i.e. arrogant, self-righteous, full of anger and pride) as Tony Hutson, I better drink whole milk, use real butter and drink a gallon of coffee every morning. Wow. Can I be like you, Tony? We could even make some new sneakers called Tony Air and in the advertisement say “Be like Tony.”

  9. Hutson is a buffoon who has no business teaching homiletics because he does not know how to preach. He knows to to be a clown, and apparently thinks there is no difference between the two.

    1. Calling Tony Hutson a clown is an insult to clowns everywhere. πŸ˜€

      That being said, I do agree with you. The man is a fool. And anyone who would listen to him “preach” for 30 seconds and want to learn homiletics from him is a worse fool.

      How do you learn homiletics over the Internet, anyway? It’s not like Hutson is an alliteration fiend or something like that. He may use an outline, but he certainly doesn’t stick to one, so he can’t grade you on that. Maybe you send him a video and he grades you.

      1. Surely he just shares his own secrets of greatness. I’d like to read ’em actually. I’d like to know what to avoid. That and quite how he became the buffoon he is today.

    1. GBI needs a theme song like this one:

      1. That video is just too funny! I second your nomination as theme song for the Bible college, and I insist that it be played at all graduations and official college events. The fact that they chose to borrow the budweiser logo is eye-brow raising to say the least. πŸ˜†

        1. This theme song would need too much adaptation. It is much to racially mixed for a Fundy College, as well as too peppy and happy.

  10. I had often wondered how long it would take for the fundy colleges to start offering online options like the secular colleges do. It is interesting to see them finally starting to branch out this way, although I highly doubt that taking an online HAC course will have the same bunker-fleeing effect that attendance of the real college have had on some of us. We shall have to see what happens over the next few years.

  11. “Do you want to attend Bible College but not ready to relocate or commit to a full-time schedule?”

    Do you find that secular schools pick on you grammar and spolling? Then you come here! Grammar not important to us. We teach you KJV real good.

  12. At least I know now why I’m not becoming a famous preacher. I don’t drink enough coffee. I wonder what the good Dr. would say about a cup of tea. I’m sure when it’s herbal, that just makes me an unregenerate liberal.

    1. Q: Why do Marxists drink only herbal teas?
      A: Because all proper tea is theft.

      (It’s better if you read it aloud.)

      1. You must think you’re Tony Hutson, but he actually tells better jokes. You could audition to be his opening act though.

        1. I’ll take the bait: Tell me one good joke Tony Hutson ever told.
          I mean something intentionally funny, not just being his ridiculous self.

        2. He does do a hilarious voice impersonation of George Jones… so… there’s that.

  13. I’m sad fundies are starting online schools. That means no physical buildings to *potentially* set on fire. πŸ˜† 😈
    Also, if fundies want someone to tell them what they’ve had to eat lately and yell at them I’ll be their huckleberry! Sweet deal…yell, talk about fatty food and get “love offerings”. πŸ™„

    1. Ok. And all need to check out “GBI Poll Results”. You won’t be sorry.

        1. lolll Looks like they haven’t quite thought through this whole “college” thing yet. Even those “Art Institute” TV ads have more legitimacy. πŸ˜†

      1. Hahahaha!! Can’t stop laughing at the polls. Utter nonsense! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

      2. For the question: “Who are the witnesses of Revelation 11?” exactly O% are willing to admit that they actually don’t know. πŸ™„ Ah, fundies.

  14. Dress code will be strictly enforced. All students must have web cam enabled 24/7 (which also covers the thou shalt not commit…clause).

  15. “We believe that there is one divinely appointed office in a church, pastor, to be filled by men whose qualifications are set forth in Titus and 1 Timothy.”

    Umm…aren’t they forgetting a pretty obvious one?

    1. Wow, they come right out and say it, and this is one of the biggest issues I have with the IFB, though to many of you it will seem small. Still….

      The KJV 1611 is the PERFECT, PRESERVED, INFALLIBLE, INSPIRED WORD OF GOD, right? Why do we have something called a “pastor” running every one of our churches then? Why don’t they come right out and call themselves Bishops? I Timothy and Titus have the passages that very clearly lay out the qualifications of “Bishops”. Every KJV 1611 church is run by a “pastor”. Is the KJV perfect or not?


  16. “GethsemaneBible.com pages are designed for informational and educational purposes only.”

    Now what? We have used them for entertainment purposes. What is our exact crime and punishment? Do we get to be sermon fodder as rule breakers?

  17. “We believe in the Genesis account of Creation.”

    Me too! I’ll bet they wouldn’t let me teach a class on God and Science though. πŸ™‚

    1. Lol. You haven’t learned to translate fundy yet. What they meant was, “We have imported modernist epistemology into our theology without thinking because we aren’t into that sort of thing, and as a result, only believe that empirical/rational observations can be true; therefore, we believe Genesis is a literal, scientifically accurate account that occurred 6,234.7 years ago in seven literal, 24-hour days (as opposed to literal, not-24-hour days).”

      1. A fundy using a word like “epistemology”. They wouldn’t use any -ology* word (e.g. anthropology, biology, gynecology) because it is *shudder* “false knowledge” by “scholars who want to tickle your ears instead of believing the Word of Gawd”.

        *Special exception made for “theology”. However, fundy “theology” generally looks nothing like theology in the rest of the Church.

  18. The bookstore is not for the faint of heart. You can save a few bucks, though, since “King James Defense” and “Manuscript History” use the same texts. Also because there’s no text listed for the one semester of Greek that is shown in the academic requirements for their “Bachelor of Theology” or “Bachelor of Biblical Studies” degrees. *facepalm*

    1. We’re going to learn Greek with no books?
      Do we just sit around drinking retsina and eating baklava, or what?

      1. Probably, considering the academic rigor of the rest of the courses. TWO (of the five) books listed in the bookstore are by Don’s favorite preacher, Sam “Bull” Gipp–_Gipp’s Understandable History of the Bible_ and _The Answer Book_.

  19. When a person repeatedly uses a phrase like, “Gawd help us” isn’t that using God’s name in vain? ❓ I know I couldn’t sit through a sermon of his.

  20. My eyes bugged out and my jaw wanted to drop when I read that Tony Hutson, of all bloviating people, is the professor of Homiletics! 😯

    1. Ya gotta love “Dr.” Hutson’s methodology: Talk about what you like to eat and your favorite TV shows for an hour, and then collect your paycheck.

  21. Well, if nothing else, the good reverend Hutson hit the nail on the head when he said the only good “co-cola” is one that burns your nose. πŸ˜›

  22. so they have disdain for the world with its institutions of higher learning. So then they imitate what the world does, including naming their institution of learning, and giving titles to the teachers. So they look down on the “worldly system of higher education”, while copying said system.
    My son and my husband heard Hutson preach once, and all they apparently remember, is that he is a big guy, and very intimidating when he comes down the aisle of a plane that is about to take off, BO and all.

    1. They don’t copy the world’s system exactly. For instance, in the secular world a Phd is the culmination of years of study. It requires a dissertation that is an original piece of research.

      In Fundystan a Phd has two requirements: 1. A pulse. 2. A friend who is president of a Bible college.

      A secular Phd is a presigious qualification. A fundy Phd ruins a perfectly good sheepskin. πŸ™„

      1. Not to mention those with real PhDs will often eschew the title ‘Doctor’, while the Fundy doctors won’t give it a second thought about using it as a title. I’ve always thought about taking a sample of Fundy doctors and try to estimate how many are truly earned. You could put them into several categories…

        1. An earned doctorate from a reputable university or seminary
        2. An earned doctorate but from a unaccredited Bible college
        3. Diploma mill
        4. Honorary

        I would guess less than 10% are the first.

      2. I think the “pulse” requirement is waivable. I wouldn’t be surprised if some Bible colleges are awarding posthumous honorary doctorates.

        1. no, they don’t copy it exactly. That would be too obvious. Then there would be no dress check for the students in the morning, where the same belt and/or tie and/or shoes get passed around (-: What I mean is that they do like the idea of special titles, and since the grapes are hanging too high in the real world, they say the grapes are sour (worldly), then come up with some holy grapes instead (our own institutions, and I like the word institution here), and voila – another gift to mankind in form of a doctor has been created.

      3. Notice that “human” isn’t a requirement. Hyles (I believe) gave an honorary doctorate to Bill Rice’s horse.

        1. I was told that a certain music MBBC faculty member from the 70s and 80s was given a honorary doctorate from HAC at the same time as Rice’s horse.

  23. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t regret like crazzzy attending an ifb “college.” I live in the real world now and realize the importance of having a REAL education. There’s so much I want to do but I’m so limited. When my youngest graduates from H.S., I intend to take some action and get rid of my worthless degree. There are very few univ. that will take my credits toward a Masters. Thank God my kids won’t go through this.

    1. Right on, Jo!

      My daughter graduated from a christian hs in Greenville with honors. While a majority of her classmates did the comfortable and safe thing by following each other to BJU, my daughter enrolled in Furman, and she loves it.

      When I tell people that I have a daughter at Furman, they often are impressed. Like it’s quite an accomplishment to even be there. Plus she’ll also have a very marketable degree when she graduates.

      I graduated from fundy u many years ago, and I often wish someone had encouraged me to think outside the box, and to enlarge my world. But at least I can do that with my own children.

  24. Hey Joe, your bitterness is astounding,that after all is the hallmark of the reformed type. You fellows ought to at least try to hide the hate, people may take you more serious. Try to show a little class boys πŸ˜• Dante DiCamillo

    1. Dante, if you are going to be critical, then you should at least make sure you use proper grammar and punctuation while doing so.

      1. Think he means Jo but is too lazy to check the spelling. Of course, since Joe is a male name, and Jo is usually female, Jo probably doesn’t appreciate this. But considering the comment, I wouldn’t think it’s one she really cares about. (I wouldn’t!)

        1. Yeah, no kidding. There’s lots of assumptions for one short message. And most of it doesn’t even make sense. I’m squinting really hard, but I can’t find the “hate” or the “bitterness.”

          Perhaps he doesn’t know the difference between hate and regret?

    2. β€œThe bottom line is, insults only hurt when they come from someone I respect.” K. Cole
      You, Dante, are not capable of insulting us. The end.

  25. I clicked on the first “this” but when I saw what it was I didn’t want to stay there, and didn’t click on the second “this” or the third “this.” Sorry, my stomach isn’t strong enough to even endure the first “this” especially if the other two are anything like it. 😳

    1. That’s okay. There is plenty of stomach to go around in all the Hutson clips. And it looks strong. Maybe not healthy per se, but strong.

    2. I clicked on the first two and they are incredibly full of time-wasting crazy. Pious gasbag. All I can say is wow. 😯

  26. In order to literally laugh out loud is to see Tony Hutson referred to as a “professor of Homiletics.” I still can’t type that with a straight face.

    1. Oops! That was meant to go below my previous post. I guess my posting privileges should be revoked.

  27. I didn’t realize until recently that my sister-in-law (not a fundy) attended PCC. I asked her about it and her response was, “Oh, you would be surprised how good of an education you can get if you can survive the Nazi lifestyle. God is good, that’s all I can say.”

  28. I’m all for being affordable, but a “college” that announces how cheap it is right under the name of the “college” gives one pause.

    1. It’s abundantly clear that you get what you pay for at good ol’ Gethsemanebible.com.

  29. Their website’s “general information” page all but admits they are a degree mill that offers a piece of paper that you can do nothing except wipe the excrement off of your backward region.

    “These credits ain’t gonna transfer because we ain’t real teachers.”

      1. Just a scheme they thought up to get money is my guess. And, since people will fall for scams, hey why not? 😈

  30. If you attend Gethsemane, and become friends with anyone in leadership, could you betray them for 30 pieces of silver?

  31. But, lastly, to go back to Darrell’s original point in posting this, yeah, they do a wonderful job all by themselves of making themselves look utterly uneducated and crazy…. πŸ˜†

  32. Those of us who subscribe to the Priesthood of All Believers would say that the most important church office is that of the laity.

    1. The best part is that there’s a good chance that their doctrine includes that phrase – but they won’t mean it at all. I almost had a fight with a pastor who essentially dismissed that doctrine as “every true believer will be led by the Holy Spirit to the same answer on every question.” That’s so mind-bogglingly off the mark that I couldn’t even respond. Saved me a lot of pointless trouble, I suppose.

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