A Brief History of Fundamentalist Time

Time in fundyland is neatly sliced into three categories as follows.

The Glorious Past

The Glorious Past encompass everything from the time that Noah put the dinosaurs on the ark up through the time when our old senior pastor still ran the church and had dinosaurs running the music program. These were the days when things were done right. The biggest sin anybody committed was chewing gum in church and those people were summarily stoned to death. It was the era when missionary stories still happened in real life instead of just on flash cards. People were white, women were silent, and life was good.

The Glorious Future

This time will come only when fundamentalists end up running things. The jury is still out on whether that’s done by sweeping into office on the Republican ticket or by coming back to earth and just killing all the infidels in a post-Tribulation bloodbath. Either way the fundies are really excited about the prospects. A good time will be had by all (except the infidels).

The Present Conflict

Life in the present isn’t like it was in the old days so we’ll spend our days working to usher in the glorious future instead of wasting time on the present world. Don’t bother with art and music and culture, it’s all going to burn. There is only one mission and that is to swell the ranks of fundamentalism and prepare the troops for battle. Payday will be someday but not now. Life now is mostly pain and drudgery as well it should be. As it is written: He hath given us all things richly to enjoy the promise that some other day we’ll have fun. To the work!

112 thoughts on “A Brief History of Fundamentalist Time”

  1. Ever wonder what happens on the ninth day?

    I was thrown out of an eschatology class for asking, by my grandfather.

    1. There is no ninth day. The concept of eternity is connected with infinity. The number 8, thus, is similar to an infinity sign, but turned on its side.

    2. Yes, because Daniel and Isaiah and John were familiar with Arabic numerals and modern mathematical symbols.

  2. “Payday will be someday”

    Ah, geez, now I’ve got that song in my head. Thanks a lot. I could have gone another 15 years without hearing that song.

  3. Oh, but they do bother about art and music and culture… that is, they bother about complaining about it. And they do create some “music,” if you can call it that – mostly rearrangements of old hymns that suck all the life and joy out of whatever it is they’re rearranging. πŸ™„

    1. Not present music and culture.

      If you’ll notice their culture, music, and art is all from the glorious past.

  4. I like Larkin. Don’t always (often) agree with a lot, but it’s great work.

    1. I agree. I’m not going to dump dispensationalism just because a bunch of MOG’s have abused their standing and lied about their importance. Larkin is excellent. I’ve read quite a few books against dispensationalism (hey, I have an open mind), and none of them managed to put a doubt in my head whatsoever. I have books that I’ve enjoyed by Darby (who was also Calvinist), Larkin, Sir Robert Anderson, Cornelius Stam, Merrill Unger, etc…

      1. The chart is not perfect, but not bad. Since coming out of fundyland I don’t try to slam anyone over dispensations (like I sometimes do over other topics!) plainly and simply I follow and believe only what the word says. There is way too much scripture that supports the dispensations for me to see it any other way.

  5. So the Antichrist has been ruling for the last twelve years, and I didn’t even know?

  6. Yes, he’s been ruling for some time now. His name is usually “Pope,” or sometimes he’s the president of the European Commission, or sometimes he’s called Billy Graham, and just occasionally he’s known as Barak Obama (although he was known as Bill Clinton before that).

    It’s all in who you ask…or I should say, who’s drawing the charts. And, I, too, am curious where the whores are. I thought the whore was always on these things.

      1. I heard at one point it was Ronald Reagan.
        I also heard it was supposed to be Henry Kissinger!

  7. One of the things I hate about Fundyville is there is no rest. The life of an average layperson in Fundyville who’s serving in the church is to work Monday through Friday at their secular job so they have the money to tithe and support all the work of the church. On Saturday you’re to be out on your bus calling and visitation which should take all day. Sunday you’re up early picking up the kids for Sunday school and you may even teach a class yourself. During the service you’re teaching in jr church or working in the nursery. Then you take the kids home and get home to a late dinner at around 2:30. You may rest for a couple hours before getting ready for the evening service.

    Your weekday evenings ought not to be spent at home lest you be tempted to watch the idiot tube, so they plan that at least two nights should be taken up with the midweek service and soul winning night. If your church does Reformers Anonymous (which is actually a very good program) that’s another night, so you only have Monday and Tuesday evenings to rest and if you’re a good Fundy you will spend them in prayer and Bible study.

    No rest for the Fundy, every moment spent resting is one moment spent out of the will of God! 😈

    1. That’s EXACTLY how all of my teen years were spent, with the exceptions of RU (didn’t have it at our church)and I went out soul winning DAILY for about 3 years.

      It’s amazing how I can actually have a life now that I’m not wasting all that time and money. πŸ‘Ώ

      1. …and when a fundy church decides to be less fundy and allow you a little more time for yourself and your family, some in the church are relieved and others see it as promoting laziness. After you tell folks to walk the straight and narrow, it’s hard for some folks to walk any other way.

    2. R.U. is ok, but there are much better programs outside of fundamentalism. πŸ™‚ My group is really small but sometimes we go to larger celebrate recovery groups together as a group once in a while. Ours is a traditional 12 step group. πŸ™‚

    3. Out of the ballpark with this comment!!!

      I’ve believed this and stated this for years. The preacher may talk about how hard preaching is, but at least he gets a day off. Most Christians have NO day off…. I’ve even heard pastors justify this as “work for the night is coming”… but Jesus told us that the Sabbath was made for man. Having one day off a week is God’s idea, not man’s.

      Sunday used to be a day off for most members of churches, until “programs” were invented… now, most members of fundamental churches probably work harder on the weekend than on the weekdays.

    4. The crazy-busy schedule (much of it mandated for “faithful” members) is all a part of leadership’s system of control.

      They give you so many things to do at church that your outside circle of family and friends withers. Eventually you discover practically everyone you spend any real time with goes to your church. You get seriously locked into the fundy social network, making escaping socially traumatic.

      When I left I realized practically everyone I was close to was a fundy. Even my babysitter, hair dresser, mechanic, plumber, etc. were fundies.

      1. Oh-my-gosh YES.
        In fact, my (now FORMER) fundy pastor stated a few weeks ago that if you’re busy in church work you won’t have time to criticize any of there (crazy) faults.
        One person went around my parents to tell my sister she needed to cut back on a hobby she really really enjoyed, because it was “hurting her piano.” What I really think was the issue was she was doing something independent of them, with myself and out older brother. Can’t have independence, now can we?

        1. When criticizing the church or mannogid, a fundy’s favorite comeback is, “Well, our church/pastor does this and this….What are YOU doing for God?”

          Being a fundy is like running on a hamster wheel trying to work, work, work for your sanctification. There is no rest like Jesus offers (yoke is easy, burden is light).

          As for stopping member’s outside activities, my former fundy church even set up their own boys’ baseball league so the church kids do not have to play in the community leagues with the great unwashed. πŸ™„

      2. Sounds like Mormonismn. Keep them busy,busy,busy! Churches that promote family, but keep their faithful members so busy(and “fruitful”) they don’t have time for them outside of church, no thanks!

    5. In this chart, the life of the church member would be represented by a hampster in a hampster wheel.

  8. studies have been done suggesting that we believe things more when there is a chart or graph associated with it. Last semester I was discussing credible sources with my college freshmen and I showed them some ads containing graphs/charts and some without. They all voted that the mathematically embellished ads were more credible and convincing–despite the fact that some of the “graphs” were seriously skewed (for instance, a 20% chunk of the pie graph taking up nearly a third of the pie).
    Those of you who have been so ‘fortunate’ as to read any of Jim Berg’s books (such as “Changed Into his Image”) may agree with me that he’s the master of the ol’ “confuse-and-impress-them-with-my-graphic-representations-of-what-I’m-saying-so-they-assume-that-my-point-is-complicated-and-scholarly-although-it-is-really-painfully-obvious–or-simplistic-or-outright-false” technique. If you’ve ever attended BJU, you have no doubt been subjected to these visual conundrums from time to time.

    1. Ugh I looked up and saw that “Changed Into His Image” and “Created For His Glory” are still on my bookshelf, along with their study guides.

        1. oops . . .this was supposed to go at the end of the thread 😳

    2. I was trying to point out that Gail Riplinger is a fraud to one of my relatives. He said that he thought that she was telling the truth because of all of the work she had put into making all of those charts and maybe I just didn’t understand them.

      1. they’re designed more to inspire awe than to be understood. The latter might inhibit the former.
        Funny how the same people who will rally round a man-made chart will denounce “man’s reasoning” as evil.

    3. So let me get this straight X, you actually get Paid to teach your bitterness….. Talk about getting paid to do what you love πŸ˜€

  9. I’m trying to figure out how this could be sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.

    1. I’ll give it a shot…….

      On the 1st day of history my true Lord gave to me the garden of eden
      On the 2nd day of history my true Lord gave to me an apple and a snake
      On the 3rd day of history my true Lord gave to me Moses and ten commandments
      On the 4th day of history my true Lord gave to me laws on what to eat and wear
      On the 5th day of history my true Lord gave to me his Son to die for us
      On the 6th day of history my true Lord gave to me ye olde tyme religion
      On the 7th day of history my true Lord gave to me my loud-mouth pastor
      On the 8th day of history my true Lord gave to me rest from my bus route (finally)

      1. Awesome! :mrgreen:

        I doubt that the rest from the bus route would ever actually come to pass though as it takes literally an “act of God” for one to miss their assigned duties at the church. (No joke, that was on the sign-up form at our church!)

  10. Until now, I was confused on how eschatology fit together with past, present, and future. But after looking at this chart, everything is clear, now.

  11. I watched (sat under) as a so called pastor used Pre-mil/pre-trib dispensationalism as a tool to grab all the power in a church for himself. It was ugly, nasty, and god-forsaken.

    Anything like this, which is purely conjecture, that causes such sinful division in the body of believers falls under the category of non-essential and should be viewed only as an exercise in “What if” rather than chiseling it in stone as a Fundamental, essential doctrine of the faith.

    It is merely a tool for men to use, to draw a group of followers, as they build their empire.

    1. This.

      I look forward to Heaven, and eternity with Christ. But for the when and how…surprise me. Showing Christ’s love to others is difficult enough without adding in all this.

      1. I think it is interesting that they often use a passage that says, “comfort one another with these words” and still preach a message, supposedly based on that passage, that would scare the fire out of you.

    2. I submit to you that the problem is not the division caused by dispensationalism but the spirit of Diotrophes present in just about every “pastor” in the world today.

      I can prove this quite simply. If your church preaches dispensationalism but puts Malachi 3:10 on its $ envelopes (or references it in a financial context), it isn’t very sincere about dispensationalism or the “Age of Grace”.

  12. whoa, whoa, I just realized something after looking at a closeup of this chart.
    The Antichrist has been on the scene since 2000! Who knew! Where has he been hiding out for 12 years?

    1. I don’t know where he was from 2000-2008 but since late 2008 he has been running one of those wicked websites that critizes the only true Christians left in the world today.

        1. No you’re getting confused. Islam was invented by the illuminati to help destroy the Catholics.


  13. maybe we could chart his whereabouts on a graph . . . I bet we could trace a slimy trail leading from the White House, to ACLU headquarters, to Hollywood, with periodic visits to the public schools and the Southern Baptist Convention. And maybe a few detours to Romania, or Rome, or Russia (depending on your interpretation of certain passages in Daniel) or possibly the Middle East.

  14. At various times in history the Anti Christ has been the Caesar, the Pope, Napoleon Bonaparte, Lenin, Stalin, Hitler, Stalin (again). When I first learned this s**t it was Nikita Khrushchev and/or the Pope. Since then it has been the Pope and Obama. Since obviously he comes from Magog north of Israel and sits on 7 hills which are the hills or Rome. So Obama makes so much sense.Of course I’ve left a few dozen out.The most obvious reading of Revelations is that the early Christians believed that they were already in the end times with the Caesar as their foe, and that they would be raptured within their own lifetime.

    1. Is it just me, or does every generation assume that they are living in the end times and will be raptured out in their lifetime. I too have heard so many different anti-Christs that I can’t keep up anymore.

      1. No it is not just you. People have been predicting the end of the world basically since there were people. Fundy dispensationalists take it to a whole different level with their abuse of Scripture.

        Below are links to Amazon for 2 books I read that changed my views completely. “The Last Days Are Here Again: A History Of The End Times” and The Rapture Exposed: The Message Of Hope In The Book Of Revelation”.



        1. Oooh, thanks for the book reviews. They look interesting. End times always scared me a bit, so it might be nice to get a little perspective on the subject.

        2. Our great leader, Dar-El the anti-mog, recommended The Last Days Are Here Again: A History Of The End Times

          I used the public library inter-library swap and borrowed it. I also highly recommend it, and will likely purchase my own copy. At times it was like reading a doctoral thesis, but an excellent read nonetheless.

        3. UncleWilver – you are correct. Our fearless leader did recommend that book and I bought it based on that. Credit where credit is due.

      2. It’s not just you thinking that everybody thinks they are living in the end times. However, I live in the UK and you’d have to look hard to find anyone who believed in the Rapture. I once worked in a bookshop with a large theology section, an American lady came in looking for the Left Behind series and no one had heard of it.

        1. Oh, thank goodness! What a change from my local Christian* bookstore, which had never heard of Bach.

          *As opposed to the Russian Orthodox bookstore, which is, of course, not Christian. The Christian bookstore is out of business, BTW, but the Russian Orthodox one is going strong, Bach and all.

    2. Of course, Vatican City is *not* situated on one of Rome’s seven hills, but…details, details, right? πŸ˜‰

      Never heard of dispensationalism before we moved to North Carolina 23 years ago. I guess I’ve led a sheltered life. πŸ˜€

    1. Well, now that you’ve said that, Mt. Olivet looks rather like a pile of … something.

    2. The first three groups of “days” look kinda like butts to me.

      Oooh, I said a naughty word.

      1. Low class woman ….. In the liberal reformed crowd… Now there’s a surprise πŸ˜†

        1. Come come now bobby, “pastors” wife, … None of this tit for tat..just let all your hatred and bitterness out…. Don’t hold back πŸ˜•

  15. ooh–then we could chart the Antichrist’s wanderings in two dimensions: both through time and geographically! I feel a complicated visual aid coming on . . .
    My former pastor used to say that the Antichrist influenced Oprah and Brittany Spears. Not sure what he meant by “influence.” Of course it was undoubtedly their fault for being floozies and tempting him.

  16. “Life in the present isn’t like it was in the old days so we’ll spend our days working to usher in the glorious future instead of wasting time on the present world.”

    I would take issue slightly with this statement. A lot of fundies I know are eager to usher in the 1950s.

      1. Scientists say that memory and imagination are closely linked so fundamentalists imagine their future heyday will be like the one they imagined they had in the 1950s. Or something like that.

        1. LOL, Catholic ultra-trads have a similar fantasy: bringing back the era of The Bells of Saint Mary’s. I must admit I feel some nostalgia for the era of May Processions and statue-crammed baroque sanctuaries, but I wouldn’t want to bring back Mean Nuns and manualist legalism. Jesus recommended the wise householder who brings forth from his storehouse treasures old and new. The recent past is our heritage, but it should not be a trap.

    1. That reminds me of a running gag in the Discworld series of books (roughly paraphrased):

      “I’m going to drag us kicking and screaming into the Century of the Fruitbat!”
      Uh, sir, we’re at the end of the Century of the Fruitbat…”
      “Well then, no better time to embrace it, then!”

    2. I would much rather usher in the 1950’s again, than to bring back the 1960’s. Somehow a decade of relative peace, stability, and prosperity has a greater appeal than one with constant upheavel, riots, and the beginig of hte welfare state as we know it now. So yeah, I say bring on the fifties, I really want to get a new 1957 Cadillac El Dorado. :mrgreen:

      1. But you have to remember the 60’s didn’t just spontaneously appear, the upheavel of the 60’s was birthed in the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. The 50’s were not the utopian society that is so fondly now remembered. The “Old Paths” were not blazed by the Cleavers.
        btw, not aimed at you chad, just a general observation. πŸ™‚

      2. In the 1950s, the top income tax bracket was at 90 percent and making charitable donations could earn you a tempting tax deduction. Then a bunch of Scrooge McDucks started bawwwwing that they couldn’t fill their swimming pools completely full of money and a bunch of beneficiaries of the G.I. Bill started griping about all of “those” people who were getting stuff they hadn’t paid for. I say let’s crank it back to the 1950s on this issue for sure.

    3. FB suggested I join some 1950s group.

      I think Mark Zuckerberg is the antichrist, or perhaps the beast.

  17. “He hath given us all things richly to enjoy the promise that some other day we’ll have fun. To the work!”

    This just cracked me up! It is such a true picture of how fundies view life. It is such a true picture of how I lived for the first 26 years of my life – church 3 times a week, bus ministry, Sunday school ministry, church orchestra, choir when needed, nursing home ministry, senior citizens luncheon ministry, etc, etc, etc. I never realized how exhausted and burnt out I was because I was always so worried that the one time I took a vacation would be when Jesus would come back and find me being lazy. Now that I’ve said “Chuck it” and am only working at the Christian school, going to church, and teaching a Sunday school class, it is amazing how much time I have on my hands.
    And BTW, thanks for the “Payday someday” reference – I haven’t heard that in a while, so I feel like I’m home.

    1. And soulwinning – wouldn’t want you to think I was a bad fundy! 😯

        1. Hahaha! Very true! We were reminded at school the other day to be “circumspect” in our internet usage and time spent online. Something tells me my new favorite website (here) doesn’t fall under the category of circumspection. 😈

  18. I’ve always thought it’s silly to get into all this future stuff as if you can really tell from the way Revelation is written what is going to happen.
    I know, I know, I’m really uneducated. Usually fundies warn you not to become too smart, because then you won’t be a good fundy, but they sure think they have the end times figured out.
    By the way, you all, EVERBODY knows that Al Gore is the antichrist!

    1. Well isn’t it obvious? He sits on seven hills and rules the land north of Israel.

    1. “You have a big slice of the American population waiting for Jesus to come back…” Um, Frank, which branch of historic Christianity, as you put it, isn’t waiting for that event?

    2. I don’t think it’s revenge fantasy. I believe in the rapture, but I don’t relish the fact of God’s judgement. I see the rapture as a culmination in what Xians long for; seeing God face to face, perfect justice, freedom from the sin natures that plague us, freedom from death, disease, and pain, etc.

      Sure it can be twisted into revenge fantasy, but apparently the bible can be twisted into Fundamentalism. Just because some sad people twist something doesn’t mean it isn’t true or holds no value.

      1. It was only after leaving the fundie cult that I found out the rapture and the people to teach it are full of B.S. The whole pre-trib belief system either began will Margaret MacDonald or John Nelson Derby in the early 1800s. It became quite popular in America (and only in America) with the publication of the Schofield Reference Bible. Schofield was a criminal and a fraud. He served time in prison for embezzling money from his ex-mother-in-law. He was denounced in court for abandoning his daughters from his first marriage. Both later died in near poverty, while Schofield lived a life of luxury.
        Schofield also had a gall to claimed he had a doctorate of divinity (he never attended college) then print that lie in his reference bible. Don’t fundies understand what β€œthou shall not bear false witness” means!
        But this is epidemic in the fundie cult, leaders with their fraudulent degrees, either self awarded, from unaccredited basement bible β€œcolleges”, or honorary degrees handed out like candy from a Pez dispenser.
        I am convinced most leaders in the pre-trib movement know it dubious history, but keep it secret from their foolish followers in order to keep the multi-million dollar β€œend-time$” racket going.
        β€œThe Late Great Planet Earth” was 100% wrong, but Hal Lindsey is still on TV and fools keeping buying his books. But Mr. Lindsey’s needs to keep the scam going, he has his current wife and three ex-wives to support.

        1. Follow the $$
          Fundie Empires have been built on the premise of this spiritual fear mongering.

          Yes, Christ is going to return but the way the pre-trib rapture is preached it is basically a get out of the coming holocaust free doctrine. Funny how in all of scripture this would be the only time God supernaturally removes his people from trial and tribulation. Throughout history he had delivered then through it, not kept them from it.

        2. One thing we KNOW is true …… The father of this blog, johnny Calvin, ( the bloody tyrant) has out done any wickedness you can pin on your enemies πŸ˜‰

      2. Wait a minute…. My Spidey senses are tingling… I feel a Conspiricy Theory coming our way…..(wait for it…. Wait for it…) right about …..Now…. Your up markie boy πŸ˜‰

    3. The pre-trib rapture “get out of the coming holocaust free” idea is a particularly western one, among g christians who have never suffered real persecution. Passages in the Bible which are interpreted to support the easy option of escaping trouble may me interpreted rather differently my a christian in say China, North Korea, Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia.

    1. Good one πŸ™„ ….the anti American card…. That’s rarely played by you liberals πŸ˜‰

  19. So let me get this straight…..you hate Christians who try to live Holy…. Because Jesus is doing that for you…. You get drunk…..you use filthy language(even your woman talk like truck drivers),your gluttonous (don, pio, x, could stand to lose a few Lb’s) ,.No church work at all ( your god and calvin will take care of that too). Lets see… Oh yes, we can’t leave out your defense of sexual impurity ( attacking those who teach homosexuality is wrong)……. After getting a clear presentation of the gospel from these fundies( of which your type would Never be so forward) you attept to destroy them rather than biblical correction……..you beyond bitter …..your not Elect..(gotta talk your silly language) just like the puritans, R.C. , and Howard Camping you’ve lost your election!!…… Just feel that doubt creeping in πŸ˜₯

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