143 thoughts on “Reader Submitted Photo: The Captain”

    3. It made me want to wrap my head in a towel.

      I just got home from driving about 2500 miles, and this is my welcome? I was looking forward to getting my SFL fix. Now I’m ill.

    4. Excuse me while I go gnaw off my leg; it’s the only way!
      {nom, nom, nom, OUCH!}

  3. The silhouette in the background is rather spooky. (I assume it’s the reflection of the reader who submitted it.)

    The level of man-worship here is astonishing… 🙄

    1. since we see his reflection does that mean this is framed and behind glass? So his reputation wasn’t tarnished at all after the secretary episode?

  4. Just rolling my eyes with a big sigh. 🙄

    I feel my stomach sickening. 😡

    1. Me too. I may print this out and hang it on my refrigerator as a weight-loss tool. UGH!

  5. Is Jack Hyles the fourth member
    Of the Trinity?
    Does Hyles’ Bible not have
    John 12:43?

    1. Yes, definitely on that fourth member status; but not at the bottom. He and his followers insert him above Jesus on par with the Father. That goes over really well, just ask lucifer. These people have drank more koolade than jim jones and his followers as evidenced by this poem.

      1. You get used to the kool-aid. At first it tastes a little like antifreeze, but eventually you don’t notice that flavor any more.

  6. This Hyles from Hammond,
    With a secret door in his office wall.
    Where doth it lead?
    Only to a secretary, but He said trust me y’all.

  7. Who’s this Jack Hyles,
    What a great man we did get.
    Who would do anything to win a soul,
    Even suffocating a pet.

    1. Who’s this Jack Schaap
      He’s the man in charge
      The sh*t he shovels from the pulpit

      1. Ooops. Hit submit to early.

        Who’s this Jack Schaap
        He’s now the man in charge
        The sh*t he shovels from the pulpit
        Is enough to fill a barge

    2. Who’s this Jack Schaap,
      Who slaps every Grandma?
      He gives them a pop
      When they see he’s a scammer.

  9. Who’s this Jack Hyles
    To a son David he gave life
    They both had a penchant
    For women who were not their wife

    1. I heard he was driven around in a limousine, is that true?

      I was at MBBC when A. Q. Weniger was president in the early 90s and there was just about the same story there. He was engaged about six months after his wife of 25 or so years died of MS. In fact, their engagement was announced and celebrated at the Valentine Banquet the following year after her death that previous June.

      Weniger also said it was OK for him to get married so soon b/c he was older. We shouldn’t do that though. He said to make sure we date around and date for a while before we marry someone.

      He and Sylvia were married a year later after her death and MBBC said nothing about this quick wedding. She admitted they were writing each other when she came to class one day and gave a testimonial about her life. Of course, she was praying that Mrs. Weniger would be healed. I remember thinking…yeah right sweetheart, like I buy that.

      About three years later MBBC sent out a newsletter with a scathing article written by Weniger to all alumni and all of fundyland that she was leaving him, getting divorced and that it was all her fault.

      Sound familiar?

      I will say though that Weniger wasn’t worshiped like Hyles was. I just felt like everyone kissed his ass.

      1. He had a “driver” It wasn’t a limosine. He said it was a “Mail truck” but it wasn’t that either. It was a nice towncar if I recall correctly. But it did have a driver.

  10. Who’s this Jack Hyles
    He hates the thing called Mass
    But for all his bluster and hubris
    He’s really just a jack ass

  11. Pretty classic definition of sociopathy or psychopathy to use the word compassion about Jack Hyles. You don’t even know the definition of compassion let alone what it looks or feels like if you think Jack Hyles was a compassionate human being.

  13. Who’s this Darrell Dow
    His SFL we check on Twitter
    To the stray fundy we encounter
    We are all just bitter

    1. Darrell’s been freed
      From Fundy bondage.
      Now he sees we all need
      A spiritual bandage.

  15. Barf. A pregnant woman a should not have to read this before 9:00 a.m.

  16. Oh lord our god,when we in awesome wonder,
    consider all, the souls thy works have saved.
    We see the church, we see the school thou bildest
    and now proclaim our god how great thou art!

    Then sings our souls
    our soulwinning god to thee
    how great thou art, how great thou art.
    Then sings our soul our soulwinner god to thee,
    our god Jack Hyles, our god Jack Hyles.

    And all the demi-god’s people said?

  17. Who is this Jack Hyles
    Who to my former pastor could do no wrong
    He worshipped the ground Jack walked on
    To Jack’s glory he’d preach messages an hour long. 🙄

    Who is this Jack Hyles
    Who is worshipped more than the Lord
    Who my former pastor did emulate
    With long messages that made me bored. 😮

    Who is this Jack Hyles
    Who his preacher boys so adored
    That they named their sons Jack
    And worship more than the Lord. 😥

    Who is this Jack Hyles
    Who placed his mantle on his son in law
    Who’s following in his footsteps
    With lots of comparisons we can draw. 🙁

  18. I can tell that the photo submitter took a picture of a picture. Was this “spy style” at someone else’s house? If so, you get more points 😀

      1. Hey! Are you dissing Kurt Weill? Anyone who kicks Berthold Brecht to the curb is OK in my book….

        1. I’m not dissing Kurt Weill; I like Kurt Weill (and I like this song).
          I like Brecht, too, though.

  21. Awkward, convoluted verbiage that still fails to scan properly.

    Absolutely abysmal use of punctuation.

    Strangely-selected, unbiblical paean of praise to a man who should have eschewed this type of worship.

    Excruciating to read both as a Christian and an English teacher.

    1. It would be a kindness if someone would introduce Mr. Anderson to the question mark, and explain the difference between a comma and a period.

  22. Yes, who IS this Jack Hyles?
    I sure wish I’d known
    Before my youth had been squandered
    And my College years blown.

  23. Who’s this Darrel Dow,
    That heads up our team,
    Though motley and ignorant
    To some we may seem?

    Who’s this Darrell Dow
    That attacks fundies’ game,
    While others are saying
    This site is a shame?

    Who’s this Darrell Dow
    That for the truth he does fight,
    While fundies have wandered of’t
    Far from what’s right?

    This Dow helps us to see
    That our past was a mess
    Despite that we live
    In the good, old U.S.

    This Dow in the Southland
    Is a compassionate man.
    To point out distortions
    Of truth is his plan.

    So who is this Dow?
    He writes this here blog
    Where WE can speak up
    And not just the MOG.

      1. A haiku is 5-7-5 syllables, not words. This was 6-8-5.. You could fix it as follows:

        Some people don’t know
        Jack Hyles is not divine.
        This work should be burnt.

        1. Whew, glad I’m not the only one who automatically counts syllables in a haiku. I think it royally pissed my ex-girlfriend one night.

          Good attempt though and completely fixable with the “don’t” change!

        2. The second line can be left alone if you pronounce “Hyles” in one syllable, as I see others do. Or you can change it to correspond with his being from the South, where I’m sure it’s always 2 syllables 🙂

        3. I cannot figure out how to pronounce “HIGH-uhls” as one syllable — “hahls”, maybe???

        4. Much the same way that “out” can be one syllable, or 2 for “about”, as in Canada 😀 You pronounce the dipthong fast enough that it comes out as one syllable – when you’re used to it, you’d never imagine making another syllable out of the word. I really had to think how to make “Hyles” into 2 syllables 😀

        5. To get one syllable, rhyme “Hyles” with miles, piles, and smiles.

    1. I think it’s interesting that even the Hylesites realize that they “seem” ignorant to other people.

      Helpful hint: If everybody else thinks you’re ignorant, there just may be a reason for that.

  26. If there ever was a need for a vomiting smiley, now is the time.

    I just hope this poet thinks as highly of Jesus.

  27. At first I thought this was a parody. I can’t believe that poem is actually real. Just wow. 😯

  28. Jack Hyles as the spring
    Blustering and full of wind
    Blowing, yet all wet

    Secret office door
    Leading to nothing evil
    Ah! I sell a bridge

    The Prophet’s Mantle –
    Passed along Elijah style
    Cow pies adorn thee!

    1. This made me LOL. <3 the 2nd stanza, especially "Ah! I sell a bridge"

      Well done.

  29. If thou art a Hylesian fundie,
    Doomed now to sit under Schaap every Sunday,
    I know you need a distraction
    From all of that shouting
    And arm-waving action,
    But, please, dear friend,
    Before you attempt to do any better
    With those two brain cells you’re rubbing together,
    Stop yelling for a second and look in your KJV:
    I know you think it’s all literal,
    But it’s real poetry.

  31. Ok it’s after midnight and I’m tired. I gave the poem a vage, unfocused glance and assumed it was a cute but sadly misplaced tribute written by a child.

    Then I read what Darrell said about the author again.

    ARGH.

  32. Jack Hyles is a creep
    So I will write a haiku
    Refrigerator.

    (IT’S LATE! 😛 )

  34. My pastor loves talking about how great Jack Hyles was it always makes me laugh my pastor is a great guy though.

  35. I have been inspired to write poetry again!

    There once was a dude named Jack Hyles
    Who talked like a man who had piles
    From the pulpit he’d stir
    To fling some manure
    Which he did with conservative style.

  36. Who is this Schaap fellow
    Whose rules we must own
    Whose crap we are fed
    And whose temper is cloned

    We know he throws things
    In his righteous tantrum
    And cell phones are taken
    If you dare film him.

    You are but so lucky
    If you have your own version
    Right down to the anger
    And Bible perversion

    I’m not sad to be leaving
    I won’t miss the screaming
    When I’m no longer fundie
    My face will be beaming

  37. hmmm I agree with u guys that Jack Hyles was wrong yet funny…. but because I’m a Fundy I’m told to leave hmmmmmm

    1. Your screen name is like you walking into a kindergarten wearing a “I’m a pedo” t-shirt and you marvel at the response you get? Seriously?! 🙄

    2. I think the person who told you to “get lost” was kidding. I could be wrong, though.

  38. Ugggh. So disturbing. I wonder if this guy thought this would earn him “best friend” status with the Jackerator… ?? 🙄 It’s by far the vilest form of flattery & brown-nosing I’ve ever seen. *gag*

  39. just back from HAC graduation on Friday. He did my cheering for my son and daughter-in-law, because they are happy, and for the moment that makes me happy.
    Interesting insight I had Saturday evening a South Point Baptist (satellite church), when Schaap hollered. He told us about his son Ken, and how he tried to find is own roots in God, because, after all, he is the grandson of “one of the greatest Christians that ever lived, and son of Jack” (and didn’t want to ride on their shirt tails)
    I almost fell out of my chair. One of the greatest Christian that ever lived? Huh?
    I’m thinking martyrs burned, Richard Wurmbrand, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Corrie ten Boom,……and Jack Hyles?? Really?

    2. Wow, that is SO sad. Their world is so small and so self-centered, they think JH is the greatest Christian who ever lived. Pathetic.

      1. “one of” the greatest Christians….maybe there’s hope for me after all 😀

        1. Ohhhh, “one of…” my bad. 🙂 Ha! Well, by those standards, there is hope for all of us! 😆
          JH was just a man. A limited, weak, sinful man…just like the rest of us. Even in his most charitable & “good” moments, he was still desperately wicked…just like everybody else. He needed rescuing, needed redemption & needed to have his pride checked…just like we all do. What’s sad is if you said ANY of these FACTS to a fundy, especially a JH-loving fundy, you’d get verbally (and possibly physically) assualted talking about their “precious mog” that way. Just so sad. Anything positive “accomplished” during his life & ministry is to God’s credit and glory and God’s alone. Lord knows that man couldn’t be responsible for it… 🙄

      2. Fundamentalists frequently preach against the compromising of Billy Graham and other modern “compromisers” who have done “great harm” to Christianity.

        But if we measure with an equal measure, surely this man (Jack Hyles) should be way up there with the great harm HE has done, if not in Christianity, than to fundamentalism. This site probably wouldn’t exist if it had not been for Jack Hyles and those who mimic him.

    3. Oh this kind of statement makes me just want to retch! 👿 😥 😳 😡 😮 👿

  40. also, what’s with the seat reserving?? In my world, you reserve your seat by leaving a personal item in it, like your Bible, or coat, or purse. We got there half hour early, and these 3 or 4 ladies had reserved 2 rows by putting songbooks on top of the folded up chairs. They were locals. We just drove there from out of state, and that was not cool. I just sat down in a chair next to them, and was told “these are reserved, there’s 12 of us.” I just said “well, there’s 3 of us, and here we are.” I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to pick me up, I haven’t progressed that much with my weight loss program, haha. Anyhow, my daughter-in-law told me later that this is accepted practice at First Baptist. Well, it isn’t flying with me.

    2. The first youth conference I attended there back in the mid 90s we were in the old building. I remember our small youth group had to “fight” to keep our seats on the front row of the middle balcony! We shoved folks off the ends of the pews and had folks behind us jumping in on spaces in between us as we were shoving. It was a mad house to keep the seats we had! :mrgreen:

    3. Reserved seats?
      In churches I’ve attended there were no reserved seats. Everyone just sat in any available seat. And if that meant you sat next to someone you didn’t know, well, you were glad to make a new friend. Visitors always got seats, even if a regular had to give up his/her seat and stand at the back.

      1. Well, yeah. People with mobility issues and/or small wiggly children or babies sit on the aisle, people with noisy children sit toward the back, everybody has their usual seat, but if you show up and somebody you don’t know is in “your” place, you smile, say hi, and make sure they have a bulletin. Isn’t that just basic courtesy?

    4. I try to respect pews/seats that are “reserved” with a Bible or with some personal item.

    5. They knew they didn’t recognize you, and since most people tend to sit in the same area every Sunday, they could have easily assumed you were visiting, and chosen to be cordial, rather than…well, something that rhymes with itchy. 😆

  42. “… Texas,/Far from each coast.”???

    Texas is ON the Gulf Coast, dude. The ocean is about 40 miles, as the crow flies, from my house in Texas. You might want to look at a map some time.

  43. Oh my. Seriously, a pastor wrote this?

    This s*** is sick and twisted.

    Let’s look at the last verse:

    “So who is this Hyles, this captain we claim. To serve our Lord Jesus, and save us from shame.”

    That’s your benediction, asshat?

    Contrast, say Phillippians 4:7 KJV “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

    That bit from Phillippians is the basis of my favourite benediction from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer, which is “The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God, and of His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. And the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit be amongst you, and remain with you always.”

    So contrast “Keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God”, or “save us from shame”?

    There is some awful, demented, and sick theology going on behind this doggerel.

    I’m only surprised that there aren’t more ex-IFB than there really is. I (quite seriously) pray for the people still in the movement that somehow light and grace touches their lives, in spite of their church.

  44. Oh, Darrell, Darrell, just look what you’ve done…
    You post that “poem”, and off we all run:
    Writing haikus of varying syllibations,
    Funny, disturbing, and weird little orations,
    No sonnets of love, no clever limericks,
    Tell me please, who approves this sh**?
    Please, somebody go get the janitor:
    Nothing at all’s in iambic pentameter.
    These “rhymes” are just written in random free verse,
    It’s amateur hour, and it’ll only get worse.

    I’ve decided to blame you
    And your odd poetic inspiration
    for all of this creepy linguistic frustration.
    But Darrell, seriously, now, and I mean no jest,
    Ain’t it time for an SFL Poetry Contest? 😀

    1. Can you make this smiley useable by all of us?? It’s much needed for posts like today’s.

  48. Puke puke puke puke puke,
    Puke puke puke puke puke;
    Puke puke puke puke puke,
    Puke puke puke puke puke.

    Unlike the original, mine scans consistently.

    2. Your poem also has more focus, more flow, better logic, and better rhyme.

  50. That is the worst verse I have seen in a long while. Simple abcb rhyme scheme, zero poetic devices. There isn’t so much as a simile in there, much less any imagery.

    It honestly looks like something a kid would write. Just simple statements split into stanzas and made to rhyme by switching up the subject-verb-object order every once in a while.

    F+

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