Poetry

Friday Challenge: If You’re A Poet, Show it.

124 Comments

Since we had so much fun a couple days ago with parodies of the awful lyrical homage to Jack Hyles, this Friday’s challenge is to slap together some iambic pentameter (or whatever meter makes you happy) and write a poem on this theme: The Managawd’s Lament.

As always, the contest winner will vigorously glad-handed and then promptly forgotten.

124 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: If You’re A Poet, Show it.”

      1. When we see a new post and it says “No Comments”, do you really expect us to read the post before we comment?

      2. that never stopped a good preacher from claiming an illustration, phrase or outline as his own.

  2. Hello sheeple,
    Look at the SBC pastor, now back to me;
    Now back to an evangelical, now back to me;
    Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using lady-scented Bible versions and switched to the KJV, he could smell like me.

    Look down, back up, where are you?
    You’re on a Bible cruise.
    With the man your man could smell like.
    What’s in your hand?
    It’s a tract, with two tickets to a thing called love. Look again, the tickets are now notches in your gospel belt.
    Anything is possible when your man smells like IFB.
    I’m on a hobby-horse.

    9. to my little brain a while to work out what you were parodying. This is much better than the original

    2. Who took a sheep in the thicket to pluck it
      But the sheep said in his might
      You are just not right
      Your standards I hear but I’ll buck it

      1. for some reason I thought this one would end up with a verse about the Mog taking a sheep on a mission trip to phuket

        hmmm. I wonder what rhymes with phuket?

    3. Said the Pastor “I’ve given up hope!”
      The World’s on a mad slippery slope!
      A farce has been made
      of my brilliant crusade –

      1. oops, hit the send button beffore I finished

        Said the Pastor “I’ve given up hope!”
        The World’s on a mad slippery slope!
        A farce has been made
        of my brilliant crusade –
        I’ve been nominated as POPE !”

  4. there once was a Michigan preacher
    and Bible college teacher
    he got real offended
    when I was upended
    now I’m a much happier creature

  5. There once was an IFB preacher
    Whose style was that of a screecher
    An IT guy by day
    so when asked he would say
    That ‘Its not a bug but a feature!’

    Ok, not exactly The Managawd’s Lament but I’m warming up my creative mind 😎

    1. Heard a guy like that preach near Chattanooga, TN.

      So turned off by the yelling
      That we didn’t buy what he was selling
      Our ears were ringing
      From the terrible singing
      At the end we left
      Wondering why he wanted
      to candidate at a church
      In another state
      And if his crazy yell
      could be heard in hell!

  6. that little man I once called pastor
    (and he thought that really meant Master)
    used words for a smoke screen
    (and way to much caffeine)
    his middle name must be disaster

  7. “My” people, they just aren’t grateful
    one really could get just ’bout hateful
    there’s work to be done
    pats on backs to be won
    Sunday sermon be better berateful

  9. (With apologies to Justin Timberlake)

    I’m bringin’ Jesus back.
    Them other preachers don’t know how to act.
    Think you’re a Christian now is that a fact?
    I won’t stop preaching till the altar’s packed.

    Get ’em on the bus!

    Dirty babe
    You see this altar baby come get saved
    I’ll put you on my staff if you behave
    Don’t tell your husband that I feel this way.

    Sing another chorus!

    Come get saved
    Managawd done preached on it
    Come to the front
    Managawd done preached on it
    KJV
    Managawd done preached on it
    No TV
    Managawd done preached on it
    Gonna teach you the tithing myth
    Managawd done preached on it
    Cover yo’ hips
    Managawd done preached on it
    1950s style
    Managawd done preached on it
    Trust me with your child
    Managawd done preached on it
    Jack Hyles was da bomb
    Managawd done preached on it
    Never said he was wrong
    Managawd done preached on it
    Come for counseling alone
    Managawd done preached on it
    And get your sexy on!

    1. LMAO!! Next time this song comes on the radio, pretty sure THESE lyrics are gonna pop into my head…. 😆

  11. There once was a church with a steeple,
    With a man-a-gawd berating his sheeple,
    With joy, he would say,
    Off’rings and tithes you must pay,
    or you’ll never be worthwhile people!

  12. I’m the pastor’s wife, therefore I’m right
    my husband gives me all the light
    that ever I’ll need
    don’t care if you bleed
    thinking is NOT my delight

    wow, limericks….I can’t stop!

  13. Where have they gone, my faithful throng?
    I’ve done MY duty so pure.
    Preached the “whole counsel”(and so much the more)
    Reprobate they’ve turned-of this I am sure.

    I put out the spiritual buffet
    but it’s their job to eat the food.
    Feed the flock, what a load of crock!
    I’m more interested in literal food.

    I cry pulpit tears, throughout several years,
    As I watch sheeple come and go.
    But no fruit or growth-the problem can’t be me?,
    I show up each week-that’s enough,don’t you see.

    They’ll honor me soon with a higher degree
    for simply showing up and being me.
    No concern for those who left, or remain hurting in my midst,
    We’re storming hell’s gates and we’re ’bout near the fence!

    Let’s continue to “fight”, No one’s slowin’ us down!
    What do you mean, I’m the cause of your guilt and your frown!?
    Give more, do more, it’s the secret to joy…
    I’ll weep no more tears for the folks I employ.

  15. O’ Jack, where art thou, we miss you o’ so much!
    Your booming voice, your resonant tone, your wonderful golden touch.
    Our lives have been unfulfilled since you passed on a decade ago.
    That time of joy, that time of wonder, when our hearts were all aglow.
    You rarely opened the Bible to preach, but that was ok with me,
    Your stories and illustrations were all we needed to work us into a frenzy.
    O’ Jack, o’ Jack where art thou?
    We stood and applauded when you entered a room to speak,
    In contrast to those sissy preachers who were only humble, gentle, and meek.
    They called you an adulterer because of the secret office door,
    But never once did we believe it, there was nothing you needed to answer for!
    Some called your soul-winning stories perhaps a little bit far-fetched.
    But as long as you were exalted, o’ Jack, the truth could certainly be stretched.
    O’ Jack, o’ Jack where art thou?
    Thousands sought to mimic you, copying every one of your styles,
    But none could reach the level of my beloved, the preacher Jack Hyles.
    They’re leaving us in droves now dear Jack, yet why I need to determine.
    But one wayward brother said he just wants a simple expository sermon.
    I pilgrimage to Hammond every year, even if the temperature is sub-zero,
    To weep and wail at the statue of you, Jack Hyles my champion, my hero.
    O’ Jack, o’ Jack where art thou?

    1. This could’ve been written by my former pastor. I ought to copy it down and send it to him anonymously. He’d probably have a plaque made out of it to hang above the pulpit. 😯

  17. (apologies for my lack of ability in poetry)

    My sheeple will not hear my voice,
    They act as if they have no choice.
    They constantly obey their flesh,
    With Scripture their thoughts will not mesh.

    They do not realize I’m the man,
    That keeps their soul from being damned.
    And out my office they take doors,
    So I can not go visit whores.

    It seems my logic they don’t like,
    Those fallacies spew out my mike.
    I read one verse, and then I speak,
    On why I am humble and meek.

    My sheeple do not ever hear,
    They just go home and then drink beer.
    Oh what sin pervades their hearts,
    They won’t boycott stores like K-Mart.

    Accountable they say I’d be,
    If in my office they could see.
    My computer they won’t know,
    Or my job would have to go.

    They should do more witnessing,
    To fill our storehouses with bling.
    The man-o-gid truly knows all,
    What’s that? Pride goes before a fal
    l
    l
    l
    l
    l
    ❓

  18. The man-o-gawd berates his flock
    His faithful twenty-four.
    You’d better guard your heart and soul
    When you walk out that door.

    It’s scary out there
    Dangerous. EVERYONE is bad.
    They don’t believe like WE believe.
    (Now I’ll pretend a sad.)

    Separate yourselves from them.
    Forget the sheep to feed.
    My voice is the only one
    That you should ever heed.

    (Forget that isolation
    Should send up a red flag.
    If I scare you bad enough
    I’ve got you in my bag.)

    Trust me, God does not have plans.
    For your family
    Than to dedicate yourselves
    To ME and ME and ME.

  19. Here is the church
    And here’s the steeple
    Open the doors and fleece all the people.

  20. From Jeremiah 23:

    Woe be unto the pastors that destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture! saith the Lord.

    For both prophet and priest are profane; yea, in my house have I found their wickedness, saith the Lord.

    I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem an horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies

    Thus saith the Lord of hosts, Hearken not unto the words of the prophets that prophesy unto you: they make you vain: they speak a vision of their own heart, and not out of the mouth of the Lord.

    I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran: I have not spoken to them, yet they prophesied.

    I have heard what the prophets said, that prophesy lies in my name, saying, I have dreamed, I have dreamed.

    How long shall this be in the heart of the prophets that prophesy lies? yea, they are prophets of the deceit of their own heart

    Is not my word like as a fire? saith the Lord; and like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces?

    Therefore, behold, I am against the prophets, saith the Lord, that steal my words every one from his neighbour.

    Behold, I am against the prophets, saith the Lord, that use their tongues, and say, He saith.

    Behold, I am against them that prophesy false dreams, saith the Lord, and do tell them, and cause my people to err by their lies, and by their lightness; yet I sent them not, nor commanded them: therefore they shall not profit this people at all, saith the Lord.

    ye have perverted the words of the living God, of the Lord of hosts our God.

    King James Version (KJV)

    2. My wife and I were listening to this on CD one night about 2 years before leaving fundyland. We could not believe this was in the Bible. I jumped out of bed to replay it. This passage heavily influenced us to leave fundyland. Check it out in other translations.

  21. Your family members are evil
    (our standards are pretty medieval)
    you must separate
    to walk narrow and strait
    ignore their pain and upheaval!

  22. To his “throne” ascending,
    Judgement harsh extending.
    Manner condescending.
    Sermons never-ending.
    Bible verses rending.
    Attitude unbending.
    Seems to like offending.
    Piety pretending.
    Pedophiles defending.
    Building-program spending,
    To the poor not lending.
    Quarrels rarely mending.
    He prefers unfriending.
    For the faith contending
    His sermon tapes he’s vending
    While sheeple keep attending.

      1. “A buzzing insect”, not “an”, and this wasn’t supposed to be a reply to pastor’s wife either.

        My only excuse is I haven’t had any tea yet this morning.

  23. Wow! The picture gave me chills. 😐

    I remember thumbing through a copy of this when I younger and thinking, even then, “These poems aren’t that good.”

    Thanks for the blast from the past.

  24. You people here are BRILLIANT!! I wish SO HARD I had any talent in this area. I don’t. But I have enjoyed every single one of yours. When Darrell puts up a challenge that involves drawing a picture of baking a cake, I will rock your world right back!

    2. I do love love love this, btw. I may be laughing about this one in 2013 and beyond.

  27. I am like a celebrity
    People come to hear what I have to say
    It is hard to be humble
    When you are as great as I

    I must dress the part and look the part
    No matter what the cost
    People will Judge God by what they see in me
    So I need a new suit

    I am not concerned with my staff
    God will provide for them
    If He does not
    It is their own fault

    My motto is simple, this is how it should be
    Not what can I do for the Lord
    But what can YOU do for ME?

    (Now, if I had any talent in the area of poetry, this would all be rhyming and junk)

  28. David Hyles smiles
    at his secretary.
    This thing called adultery
    must be hereditary.

  29. the Lord’s way is oh so mysterious –
    either that, or I am delirious.
    staff is constantly leaving,
    God’s will they’re perceiving!!
    they’re earnest and ever so serious.

    They can’t wait to get out of here,
    and over the hill disappear,
    I know it’s not me
    they just cannot see
    that I am the great puppeteer.

    1. That other Jean, how do you know my former pastor? You described him so perfectly! He was indeed a big fish, he weighed about 300 lbs, and the church was small. No wonder we felt so stifled in there! 😳

  31. A parody:

    Here is THE church
    Where are the sheeple?
    They’ve found new life
    As SFL-people!

  32. Random musings by an anti-poet.

    Sunday morning:

    Glory! Glory! Hear my story.
    What belongs to God, belongs to me.
    Sacrifice and you will see.
    I do right. You do wrong.
    Let us stand and close with song.

    Late Sunday nite:

    Did I not do what God called me to do?
    My praise baa’d by the sheep?
    My doubts and fears surpressed. I need rest.

  33. Apologies to Glenn Frey

    The pastor talks on, talks so loud
    Tries to get inside your head, and is oh so proud!
    And gives so many rules! So you look good outside
    And the pressure’s high to keep feeding the mog’s pride!
    ‘Cause the pastor talks on.
    Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho,
    Caught up in the action, he’s preaching in our ears
    Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-h
    Tell me can you see him
    Tell me can you feel him
    Tell me can you smell him
    For the mog rambles (boom, boom, boom) on! 😎

  35. There once was a man in the pulpit
    Who sinned as though he couldn’t help it.
    He led us astray,
    That old popinjay,
    Spinning yarns just as fast as we’d gulp it.

    He often would tell us new rules
    That came not from Bible, but schools
    Which took all our money.
    They thought it was funny
    To peddle their piffle to fools.

    These schools were a needful invention
    For churches which had a pretention
    To be quite like God.
    But isn’t it odd
    That many are facing declension?

    So, brethren and cistern, we ought to
    Be thankful to God that we got to
    Be rid of those places.
    Let’s all turn our faces
    And cheer like we just won the Lotto.

  36. I sat in the pew,
    then the preaching started,
    I shouted “Hey-Men!”
    and nearly …. 😳

  38. May I try another one:

    Why the KJV?
    ‘Cause you need me to translate
    Elizabethian.

  39. One more and I’ll stop:

    WHAT? NO! Judith and
    Maccabees were in the first
    KJV Bible?

  40. I’m not a poet but most of these are pretty funny

  41. Scofields are red
    Double breasted suits are blue
    IFB’s aren’t proud
    they just think they are better than you

  42. !! Y’all! These are so great! My favorite SFL post of all time!

    Managawd’s Lament

    My tie’s choking me.
    It hangs from my neck
    Like Rahab’s red fraying cord.

    My shoes are too tight.
    My aching feet crammed into these
    Stupid shined soles.

    I’m supposed to be winning the lost,
    Working for Jesus,
    Building up treasure in heaven.

    But my heart’s not in it:
    I don’t want any of these
    Godless heathens

    Spending eternity with me.

  43. Yo, KJV, let’s stick with it!

    Schaap!
    Collaborate and listen
    preacher boy
    unholy ambition

    To the extreme I rock a wing tip like a vandal
    Light-up a pulpit and wax a chump like a candle

    Love it or leave it, you better gang way
    You better hit bull’s Gipp, the Phil Kidd don’t play

    If there was a problem, yo, I’ll ignore it
    Check out the book while my Deacon votes on it

    John R.
    Rice, Rice, baby
    White rice, rice, baby

    1. I dub thee Doctor Theo, an honorary title (but feel free to use it whenever) for stone cold bringing it to the extreme.

  44. I’ll delurk long enough to contribute to this.

    Each to his place, now this I’ve found
    The antidote to sin
    Get them in the door, once more look round
    For another soul to win

    These people on my holy hill
    They will not be truly free
    Til they submit their sinful will
    To the one true KJV

    So many dangers, toils and snares
    Even Christians cannot see
    Forget discernment, forget prayers
    You’d be damned if not for me

    These wretches fear not God above
    Nor His man on earth below
    They need my care and tender love
    To set their hearts aglow

    I am God’s chosen man on earth
    I deserve your every breath
    From the moment of your birth until
    The instant of your death

    Now we’ve been here two thousand years
    ‘Cause Christ was one of us
    Ignore the sound of secret tears
    Get on the Baptist Bus!

    Each to his place, now this I’ve found
    The antidote to sin
    Get them in the door, once more look round
    For another soul to win

  45. If thrice-weekly you’re subjected
    To a host of red-complected
    MOGs whose words are ne’er dissected…
    Fundy-Slave!

    If you think you’re more astute,
    Bearing bigger, better fruit
    ‘Cause you always wear a suit
    Fundy-Slave!

    If there’s never been a trimmin’
    On the heads of all your wimmin
    ‘Cause the hell-fire would be brimmin’…
    Fundy-Slave!

    If your preacher goes on rants
    O’er the sin of wimmin’s pants
    And a host of female “shant’s”…
    Fundy-Slave!

    (My apologies to a nostalgic road-side campaign)

  46. There once was a pastor named Mark
    Who pastored the youth like a shark
    He set up his prey; and when caught slipped away
    He feels safe cause no one will narc

    👿

  47. The MOG’s Lament..

    (really bad poetry alert, just turn away, I won’t be offended)

    Why do all those people want such warm and fuzzy churches?
    I like mine cold and scared and guilty.
    I don’t care about your souls,
    I just want fame and the lucre that’s filthy.
    Happy, smiling teachers,
    they’re not mogs they’re just sissys!
    All their wimmin in positions in the church
    that just burns me till it hurts.
    You want your music like the heathens
    that is why you say you’re leaving
    Go ahead the fire’s are stoked…
    Yes my wife is oh so boring
    but that’s okay cuz when she’s snoring
    I’ll be on the net doing research
    for the next thing I will preach “hard” on… 😈 😈

  48. Wear a Skirt! Wear a Skirt!

    Dress like Pastor’s first lady?
    Wear a skirt! Wear a skirt!

    Perfect femininity!
    Wear a skirt! Wear a skirt!

    Always camera ready!
    Wear a skirt! Wear a skirt!

    Don’t look like a painted lady!
    Wear a skirt! Wear a skirt!

    Want your marriage rock steady?
    Wear a skirt! Wear a skirt!

    Want to keep your man happy?
    Wear a skirt! Wear a skirt!

    Don’t draw unwanted attention
    Wear a sk…..oh, never mind.

  49. In the middle years of the last century,
    From the midwestern region of our coun-try
    Came a roar and a thunder men had never heard,
    Like the scream and the sound of a big toy bird
    Up in the pulpit, playing the soulwinning game
    Baron von Jack Hyles was his name
    Eighty Dogs tried interrupting the magic prayer words;
    Now they’re sermon illustrations boarding on the absurd!

    Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more
    Jack the Soulwinning Ace was a rollin up a score
    Eighty dogs died trying to end that streek’
    But the Baron choked them down without a peep.

    *with sincere apologies to the Royal Guardsmen
     for mutilating their song.

  50. With apologies to the Black-Eyed Peas…

    Preachericious

    four
    tres
    two
    uno

    Listen up ya’ll, ’cause this is it
    The man I’m Amening is preachericious!

    Preachericious definition: make them like their serfdom
    I want their treasure so I can build my kingdom
    It ain’t easy, kind of sleazy
    I got reasons why I fleece ’em
    Sheeple come and go like seasons

    Preachericious (Preachericious)
    I might be promiscuous
    But if you was suspicious
    I’ll tell you it’s ficticious
    I’ll blow smoke
    Tell my deacons double-talk
    I’ll kick you out and to my flock I will mock ya

    four
    tres
    two
    uno

    Chorus:
    They’re so suspicious (but I won’t get caught!)
    So pernicious (I put the deacons on rock, rock)
    So ambitious (Those preacher boys want what I got)
    Preachericious (What a scam!)

    Preachericious def
    Preachericious def
    Preachericious def
    Preachericious definition: Make those member crazy
    They always claim they know me
    I really think they’re lazy
    They B to the E, L,IE, V and E
    And can’t no other pastor lay the guilt like me

    I’m Preachericious (so malicious)
    And known to be vicious
    I’m knocking on doors just to see who’s injudicious
    He’s my witness (oh deacon!)
    I’ll put this boy on rock, rock
    And he be walking down the block just to watch what I got

    Four
    tres
    two
    uno

    Chorus:
    They’re so suspicious (but I won’t get caught!)
    So pernicious (I put the deacons on rock, rock)
    So ambitious (Those preacher boys want what I got)
    Preachericious (What a scam!)

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