A Modest Proposal

As most of you are now aware, Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church recently put forward a proposal that all gay people should be rounded up and imprisoned behind an electric fence. In the light of this bold suggestion, I would like to offer a counter-proposal that I think will work equally well to keep Chucky happy and gay-free while not being quite so Nazi-like. Thus I would like to introduce:

The Prophet Province

My proposal is that every fundamentalist preacher be relocated to a 50,000 square mile area of the Sonoran Desert. This location will then be designate The Prophet Province and high walls will be built around it to keep out all worldly and evil influences from the general population of the Sodom and Gomorrah that is the remainder of the United States. There in those sanctified confines the fundamentalist preachers of the world will finally be able to spend their time doing what they do best: being the holiest people around.

With such a large area and a relatively small number of fundamentalist pastors, it should be a fairly simple matter to keep the preachers from being located too close together. For a true prophet experience each one should be allowed to think that they are the only ones left in the entire world who are still holding the truth faith. Also, when these would-be prophets encounter each other their failed attempts to call down fire and she-bears on each other often result in the sort of embarrassment that would better be avoided. Let each one think that they are the only voice crying in the wilderness and all will be well.

As an added bonus, given that these are all men of god, there will be no need to provide food for their sustenance. Research indicates that ravens will show up a minimum of four times a day with enough casseroles and carbohydrates to sustain even the most voracious desire for “fellowship.” In addition to eating the pastor’s days can be spent in much the same fashion as they are today, writing their own biographies, condemning everything that moves and thanking God that they are not like other men.

I implore that modest proposal should be implemented as quickly as is feasible. For once it is done life will immediately improve for scores of women, children, gays, minorities, and pretty much everyone else. And the pastors likewise can live out their days of Elijah in perfect peace.

199 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal”

      1. You underestimate the fundy preacher. Surely they will find something to preach about.
        Like the other preacher up the road who has gone all liberal because he once was seen wearing shorts.

        1. In 110 degrees, even Fundy preachers will wear shorts, albiet not in public. And Fundy women actually have an advantage in summertime, because dresses are cooler than pants (as long as it’s not something heavy like wool and hose aren’t worn!) :mrgreen:

      2. Nah. The mindset of picking a sin and railing on it for 40 minutes each week is so deeply ingrained that, even in a complete vacuum, they’ll invent sins to preach against. As it is, I’m sure they’d go hunting for grasshoppers to preach against, contrasting their lack of work ethic to the example of the ants. Messages of “that’s what you get!” will be preached to the snakes. And the soil will doubtless be preached against for being hard and unreceptive to seed.

        Even in the desert, there’s plenty to preach against.

        1. How can you look at that absolutely gorgeous picture and say that the soil in the Sonoran desert is unreceptive to seed? There is something like close to 550 different types of plants that have at least some edible parts native to the Sonoran desert, as well as God knows how many types of unedible plants! Off trail hiking is guaranteed to get you stuck with something!

      3. I can hear the Sunday morning service now

        “This morning I’d liketa preach the message on those who are ‘Unwilling To Climb the Wall’ Amen? There are those outside who just aren’t willin’ to climb over and get the truth from us! Shame SHAME on them! And why would they be willing when that rascal down the street turned his whole church into one of them thar liberal “feelings” churches! Why just yesterday I heard they were going to cancel the Sunday service and use that time to help build a retirement home fer some old folks! My friends, you NEVER retire from the Lords service!!!!! What was I preaching about…?”

        1. “There are those outside who just arenโ€™t willinโ€™ to climb over and get the truth from us!” +10

        1. This church needs a public affairs person, stat!! Instead of getting out in front this and minimizing the damage done to their church, they double down by sending this moron out to speak for them!!

        2. I get the feeling that she is the smartest they have, so she gets to be the spokes bigot.

        3. This church has more than a slight architectural similarity to my church – which is located in the Sonoran Desert. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

      4. Nonesense, the fundy pastor will find a rock or a cactus with a splotch on it that vaguely resembles a satanic symbol and begin a campaign about how all the other preachers should boycott that kind of rock/cactus and have nothing to do with it. Whatever keeps them entertained! ๐Ÿ˜†

    1. give them an Intranet, and tell ’em it’s the Internet. Most of them wouldn’t notice the difference, except that all the haterz would stop commenting on their vids.

    1. With the accompanying wildlife descriptions.

      “And here on the left you can see we’ve just disturbed a rattlesnake. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Preacher Jude T. Heffalump, formerly of Greenville, South Carolina. We’ll just move along before he can get within audible range.” ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    2. Yeah, and what about those of us liberal lefties who already live out here? We’ve got enough whack-jobs I Arizona as it is; we don’t need to taint our beautiful deserts! I day move ’em to Arkansas or Alabama. Less logistics involved. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. The lemon bars and iced tea convinced me to volunteer to help build. I’ve even got tools and experience. The only thing I worry about is if my Habitat for Humanity experience will hold me back from anything associated with fundamentalist building projects.

          And I hate to ruin perfectly beautiful desert.

    1. But are the workers going to be endlessly harassed with the constant drone of fundy pastors retelling the story of Sanballat and Tobiah as they work?

  1. This is a modest proposal Darrell. I however would like to take it a step further. Send all the fundy preachers into space. Becasue in space, no one can hear you scream.

  2. It would also save us a ton of money on border patrol…

    One thing is to have to deal with heat, exhaustion, lack of water, the abuse from the coyotes, the narcos and the Zetas.

    But a line of MoGs with KJVs may be too much!

  3. “Research indicates that ravens will show up a minimum of four times a day with enough casseroles and carbohydrates to sustain even the most voracious desire for โ€œfellowship.โ€

    This line is the best! It had me laughing for a good minute! I’ve yet to see a MoG turn down carbohydrates!

    On that note, here is a little joke that always makes me smile. A fourth grade teacher asked her students to bring in things that reminded them of their religion. The little Jewish boy brought in a Star of David, the Catholic boy brought in a Rosary, and ……………………the little Baptist boy brought in a casserole dish!

    1. Love it. I remember one Sunday afternoon we were driving home from a church event, and my then 5-year-old daughter groaned, “oooooh. I had too much fellowship.” Baptists. :mrgreen:

  4. In the meantime, while we’re getting the enclosure built, it might be worth checking a website, thegodarticle.com, which has Pastor Worley’s address, phone number, and email address, along with a list of websites supporting gay people which could use a donation in the good(??) pastor’s name. There’s even a postcard you can download and mail to Pastor Worley, to let him know that he’s getting the credit for your generosity.

    1. I made a donation to The Marin Foundation in Chicago. Told the good pastor that they ate building bridges between the Church and the GBLT community, not fences!

  5. This area would have to broken up into administrative districts or tribes. I propose the following groups have their own land and area: Campmeetington, Hylesiana, Swiss Army Knife of the Lord, BBF’ing Liberals, the Jones Klan and The Hortonites.
    The Jones Klan and the Hortonites will be located next to each other but still will pretend that the other group doesn’t exist.
    Clarence Sexton could be in charge of running around trying to convince each group that the other groups actually exist and that they should speak to each other at the very least.

  6. I would propose that we let them have the southern Appalachian Mountains and let them live out their lives with the other members of the faith of their fathers. Also, there could be an area along the South Carolina coast for the ones that like that type of environment. I believe this is better than the desert, that can be left to the nature lover’s and others that wish to commune with snakes and lizards.

    1. Do not send them to SC–we have enough of them here! I believe North Carolina might be a great location since Pastor Worley and his intelligent followers are already there.

    1. But it is a dry heat right? And with all the snot and spittle coming from the preachers during their rants, it will raise the humidity level by at least 30% making it even more unbearable.

  7. I’ve thought about this myself a few times, give the fundies their own little plot of land for their theocracy, so they’ll leave the rest of us alone. But I’d be more inclined to go with North Dakota or Montana (didn’t the bible say Elijah went into the mountains?) as these places are already referred to as “God’s Country”.

    1. There are no mountains in North Dakota. Or trees, to speak of. The state tree is the telephone pole. And being that’s where my family was first sucked into IFB, I’d say ND would be the perfect place for this project.

      1. Great choice. It is the least visited state in the union, so fewer people to influence.

        When we stopped at the N D. welcome center, I noticed that they have fewer travel brochures than most hotels have in their lobby. If your claim to fame is “we were once covered by a glacier”, then nothing is lost making it the new Fundystan.

  8. I, for one, will donate my time to help built this and would like to start by donating $1000.00 to get things rolling. This is a #1 priority for the good of all mankind!!!

  9. There is a very interesting clip of Anderson Cooper interviewing one of Worley’s supporters. I don’t know how to put it up here, but it can be found at Daily Kos and on You tube.

    1. I watched that clip and commented in the forum section. They could not have picked a better “representative” for their church. I am still twitching… ๐Ÿ˜•

      1. She showed the love of their Je-he-sus! She was so rude, loved the eye rolling. Hope her 4 min. of fame gets her a great big jewel in her crown in heaven.

        1. May 9, 2012, The President of the United States stated that he thinks same-sex marriage was ok by him. Vastly bigger news, with much more far-reaching consequences than what some redneck pastor has to say, but doesn’t look like the liberal news media is much interested in that!

        2. Greg, there is a difference between someone supporting the rights of fellow Americans to marry the person they love, versus Chuck who is suggesting condemning to life in prison any American who does not live by his sexual standards.

          One (Obama) is supporting love, while the other one is suggesting a way to eliminate people he does not like.

          When Chuck suggests placing Gay men separate from Lesbian women, “so they do not reproduce” he is showing ignorance about what makes someone gay. Does he really intend to ship one in ten or one in twenty Americans from now until the final trumpet sounds, into these concentration camps?

          Jesus did not even treat lepers that way!

        3. Ricardo, it’s true Jesus did not send the lepers back to the leper colony, he healed them and sent them on their way. However, if anyone even speaks of healing these people of this aberrant condition, they are called bigots, homophobic, stupid and a host of other insulting terms. Homosexualaity is as much a disease as leperosy and also as much a sin as murder. So please let us pray for healing of the their minds, bodies, and souls.

        4. It’s interesting to note in the “Homosexuals Are Worthy of Death” video, she has the last verses of Romans 1 highlighted. Because those are the most important verses in the chapter.

          I don’t understand how people jump from an allusion to male homosexuality in verse 27 to “those who do such things deserve death” in verse 32. There’s an entire list of characteristics in between, and while I’ve met some gay people who don’t seem to have any of those characteristics, I’ve been around quite a few church members and leaders who do.

        5. “The President of the United States stated that he thinks same-sex marriage was ok by him. … doesnโ€™t look like the liberal news media is much interested in that!”

          ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Huh??? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

          It’s been ALL OVER the news for the last two weeks– network TV, radio, major newspapers, covers of several news magazines, all the wire services … where are you getting your “news”?

        6. Chad, thanks for your prayers toward healing. I may disagree with your sentiments, but praying never hurts. Instead, what Chuck is doing by suggesting life in prison, is โ€œhating the sinner.โ€ Not one person in that church, not one person watching that video will come out of it saying: โ€œTruly God is Love, truly this person is sharing Godโ€™s Mercy and Love with the world.โ€ Instead what we see is someone taking Judgment away from Godโ€™s hands and using it to write off children of God whom God has not written off yet.

          What mechanisms would he suggest for anyone inside the concentration camps who somehow, through no help from Chuck, is touched by God and decides to change his/her life around? Chuck would rather get rid of them, have them die ASAP, rather than risk having the power of God transform even one of them.

          What is really sad is to note that most unbelievers โ€œgetโ€ this, while Chuck and most IFBs are too busy pointing fingers and trying desperately to separate.

  10. Preachers in Exile – that would make for an interesting reality TV show??
    This post is hilarious, I had to share it with my son… ๐Ÿ˜€

  11. What form of government would this Fundystan have? I think it would be a loose confederation of warring tribes much like Afghanistan or the EU. In other words, not much different from the current state of fundystan.

    Each Mog could set himself up as an autocratic ruler of his own little band. This would not be noticeably different from the current form of fundy church government.

    Of course these tribal governments would be based on hereditary succession. Again, not a big change for fundies.

    As a bonus, under the anarchical conditions sure to prevail where every Mog thinks he is the unquestioned chief, war would break out. The UN would then be forced to send peacekeepers to the region and thus the Mogs could all claim persecution by the New World Order.

  12. I was thinking more like North Korea for the Fundies to set up shop but they might actually like it better there with all the absolute control and such. ๐Ÿ˜•

    They’d be happy to take over the concentration camps I’m sure…they could then FORCE people to submit or else. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    1. There was horror story on television once, I believe, about a man that lived in terror of insects and did everything in his power to avoid and eradicate them. It turned out that this fellow’s body was full of these creatures which were literally living inside of him. Very creepy, but that may be an apt metaphor for what you suggested in your comment.

  13. I recently wrote about this as well.

    http://mountaintheology.blogspot.com/2012/05/self-centered-persecution.html

    It’s kind of odd. My wife’s former pastor came out of this church and was kind enough to give me my first opportunities to teach the Bible. Here’s the kicker…he did so even though I belonged to and normally attended an SBC church. I’m a young Calvy-SBC guy. So it grieves me to see this video, but does not surprise me either. Sad.

  14. The Sonoran Desert is quite possibly the most beautiful desert in the world. I live near it in the far less attractive desert that surrounds the Phoenix area and would hate to lose access.

    However, throw in the U.S. Catholic bishops and you’ve got yourself a deal!

  15. Having lived in the Sonoran Desert and fallen in love with it, I think this would be a terrible thing to do. I say Nevada is much better suited for this, most likely in the area around Pahrump. That way they can preach against nearby Las Vegas, but still be isolated from them.

  16. After I read the attached environmental impact statement I decided that this wasn’t as good of an idea as it sounded like at first.

  17. It seems too many of us live in the Sonoran Desert and resent the idea. I’d hate to blemish the beauty of one of the best kept secrets of America. Besides, since fundy preachers are known for believing the Bible “kiver to kiver” the proposal will hardly fly with them as a godly concept since the desert in the Bible is not usually portrayed as a good thing.

  18. Well, several possibilities suggest themselves ๐Ÿ™„ : First, all the pissing against the wall might turn the desert into some kind of lush forest. Second, one man will have to be the senior desert pastor and most of them will probably kill each other trying to establish themselves as the most worthy leader. Third, it may become such a den of thievery and corruption even the snakes will leave. The King James Only crowd will go around beating all the other versionists to death with their Bibles and then burning them. In summation, I think it would be hell on earth.

    1. LOL when I saw that I thought, sure I can! It irks me so much when some fundy preacher gets up there and everything is from his male viewpoint. As if women aren’t even there. If I had the guts and I was sitting there I’d holler “Sure I can!” so everyone could get a good laugh. He could’ve added, “Can you women imagine kissing a woman?” But no. Everything is from his male perspective as if no women are present. It just burns me up every time I hear this kind of thing from their idiot fundy pulpits. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

      1. Yeah, I thought that was really stupid. One of the cornerstones of effective public speaking is to know your audience. Sometimes preachers, unfortunately, tend to speak as if the only people there were the 5-10% of the congregation that are the cookie cutter mold of the preacher.

      2. Macushla, I had the same thought– surely at least the women in the room can imagine kissing a man! Heck, some of them may even enjoy kissing a man.

        1. It would be nice if they were acknowledged by the fundy pastor who seems to think he’s only preaching to men! ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

  19. Just don’t forget the Aussie fundamentalist preachers! Can’t wait to ship them over!

    Although I guess we could start our own prophet province in the Western Desert.

    1. No! Nononononono!!!! What if there’s a breakout?? You guys already shipped IFB to us in the first place! We’re not taking your preachers too!

        1. Where the catch phrase is “Octopi till He comes.”
          Okay, I’m stopping, now. Hubby wonders why I keep giggling and he’s fit to be tide.

  20. We already have one of the wackiest here – Steven Anderson. We also have plenty enough “regular” Fundy preachers here.

    I suggest sending them to an unihabited part of Alaska, above the article circle in December. The dark won’t bother them; they’re blind anyway. And they blow enough hot air to stay warm.

    1. somewhat worth it. Yes he correctly pegs Chuck as “hating the sinner,” But then Todd goes off claiming there is such a thing as a homosexual agenda, which includes not only accepting gay marriage but, “making it the norm.” WTF!

      The only agenda item I know of from my GLTB friends is a) Survival in a hostile world.

  21. Just saw a picture on Facebook of my fundy aunt and uncle standing behind the sign that says “Welcome to the Sonoma Dessert”. I laughed, what a great welcoming committee.

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