FWOTW: swordof1611.webs.com

Today’s website was send along by alert SFL reader Dan and is chock full of the kind of fundy craziness that we’ve all come to expect. There’s information on Science, Cosmology (which one can only assume isn’t a science), and “Biblical Rules For Doctrinal Discussion or Debate.” Plus there’s a whole page on Peter Ruckman just in case you were doubtful as to which kind of crazy is being represented here.

But none of the above can compare to the ringing endorsement of Jack Fellure as God’s choice for President of the United States in 2012. What’s that you say? You’ve never heard of Jack Fellure? Well it just so happens Jack is the candidate of the Prohibition Party (slogan: Nobody Knows We Still Exist). As the old saying goes: “If your party has its convention at the Holiday Inn Express in Cullman, Alabama don’t start picking out your furniture for the Oval Office just quite yet.”

Oh, and the guy who runs the site apparently totes a sword around. So there’s that.

122 thoughts on “FWOTW: swordof1611.webs.com”

    1. And he doesn’t believe in a pretrib rapture. I thought that was a basic tenet of all fundies no matter how extreme.

      1. I thought that at one time, too, but now I think that their basic tenet is “Try to disagree with as many people as possible.”

  1. That’s a pretty sweet sword. And it figures he’s a Ruckman guy. Only thing it’s missing are the articles about aliens.

  2. This is from a section that is dubiously named “Spanking A.D. Samples” (paging Dr. Freud!)

    A List of Lies, Conceit, and Nonsense of A. D. Samples:

    1. “I look across a non devil possessed room this morning and I thank God.”

    If the room was not devil possessed, that is evidence that Samples was lying when he gave his message. When the truth is being preached, there are devils all over the place trying to block the airwaves and stop the effectiveness of the preaching. If there were no devils in the room, he must have been in a bar, getting drunk.

    1. Just someone PLEASE tell me he lives alone. I cannot stand the thought of a wife or children living with this nut job. 🙄

    2. So a barroom never has devils in it?
      I guess a bar is the most righteous place to spend my time, then.
      I don’t really like bars, but one has to make sacrifices for the Lord …

      1. You get Mrs. Big Gary, I will get Sims and her spouse, and let us all meet at a barroom and test this theory! Sounds like a lot of potential learning there.

        1. Mrs. Big Gary would be all in favor of this idea. Let’s take one for the team and go to a bar.

        2. Sims’ll do it. She drinks like a— er, I mean, she is all about taking one for the team.

        3. What is the difference between a place people go to drink and an elephant fart?

          One is a barroom and the other is a bar-ROOM!!! (That is a joke I remembered from Junior High… not so long ago)

          Oh and for the record, I don’t drink at all. Never have, never will. But I am willing to go anyway to take pictures.

        4. Sims, the last time I allowed pictures, the video went viral, and my family ended up starring in a reality show, and…. Oops. 😳

        5. Oh, I think the Real Housewives could only WISH they had a couple friends like me and Seen Enough on their little show. Boy, now THAT would make for some GOOOD TV right thar. 😉

        6. Well, considering I am a widder of long-standing, I am not sure how believable I would be… but then, I am never believable, at the best of times. You, O Sims, are TOTALLY unbelievable. 😉

        7. If by “Unbelievable” you mean “Positively adorable to a degree that nobody could comprehend” then of course you are right. If you mean “Unbelievable” like “nobody would believe I was a real housewife” Then you might be surprised. I figger we can have one widder woman on our fake housewives show. Right? Maybe call ourselves The UNreal Housewives of SFL. (Be sure to get Boymom to sign up for it…) I think there are enough of us here to make a BUNCH of seasons before we retire.

        8. I did, of course, mean your FIRST definition. Naturally I know you are SUPER-CAPABLE in managing the home! Besides boymom, we must include Mrs. Big Gary, who was, after all, willing to go to the bars with us. I think. Okay, if widders are allowed, then my next question is, may we dress skanky? I mean, I would look like something the cat barfed up, but so what??? 😈

        9. What a silly question. *May we dress skanky?* I mean, do you REALLY expect me to go shopping for some NON-skanky clothes just for this little project? Of COURSE we will dress skanky. Just like we do every other day. 😉

        10. Gig Gary, I always tell it as, “Two men walked into a bar. …………The third one ducked.”

    3. If you haven’t already done so, you need to do a blog on Aaron Samples. He is the number one of nutcases. If Ruckman is king, then Aaron is the shadow king. He swears like a sailor in the pulpit, claiming it’s “Bible”. He also calls ruckman a “devil possessed man a gawd” because Ruckman won’t give in to his silly demands and say the phrase “Jesus Christ is come in the flesh” every time they meet, and so Ruckman must have the spirit of anti-christ or something.

    1. I’m almost positive that I’ve seen this guy at one of the churches near Gulfport when I was visiting there years ago. He brings his sword with him and uses it while he speaks! 😯

  3. the guy is just plain creepy. I get that child molester vibe. In his ACE Chriatian school I bet he was voted most likely to take a group of people and move to an isolated area of Texas and be inspired by God to build a compound, gather an arsenal, and have a punch bowl of special koolaid waiting for when the social workers show up to check on the children

    1. Seems like the U.S. Navy agrees with you, bradley0107. In the personal testimony story on the site, he says about himself after he started his Navy service:

      “He was a likeable personality and soon became known on the ship as ‘the creeper’.”

      Uhm… sorry to bust your bubble there, dearie, but I don’t think they gave you that nickname because of your “likeable personality”.

      Unless he’s being sarcastic? At his own expense? That seems a little too insightful for him.

  4. “His parents… were both born again Christians although they did not maintain a Christian home.”

    I sort of fail to see how this works.

    1. Easy. They said the magic (1,2,3 repeat after me) prayer, but didn’t keep the IFB standards.

      1. As a little kid who grew up thinking that there were ‘real’ Christians who wore culottes and ‘fake’ Christians who wore jeans, I definitely looked down my nose at those kinds of people. 😕

  5. Fundys using “Brother” as a title always bugged me. By fundy logic, anyone reading the title who is not saved would not be a brother in the Lord to the named person. In most cases they are just searching for any kind of title to call their pastor who doesn’t have an honorary doctorate, since “Rev.” is too Protestant.

  6. The internet connection at the hotel in Backside of Nowhere, Wyoming is so slow and glithchy I may have to wait until I get home Saturday to look at the site. And it looks so promising.

    Oh, well–miss you guys while driving a moving truck from North Wisconsin to North Central California. Time to hit the road again.

    1. You can settle a VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE for me. I want to know if California cheese is really as good as Wisconsin cheese. I HAVE MY DOUBTS. They SAY theirs are happy cows, but why wouldn’t the cows in Wi 😉 sconsin be happy?

        1. Hey, they’re cattle, not musk oxen.

          *Nerd alert*
          I took a tour of the Large Animal Research Station, better known as the Musk Ox Farm, at the University of Alaska in Fairbanks. The biologists there said that the musk oxen seem quite comfortable when the temperature is -30 F.

    2. Moving from North Wisconsin? I lived four years on Lake Superior there (Ashland and Red Cliff). Miss the area. 🙁 Too hot and humid here in Arkansas, even though I grew up here. Blessings on your move.

      1. Well, that wasn’t supposed to happen.
        Uncle Wilver is being a good dad and helping his daughter and son-in-law move, but as a life-long Georgia resident, he understands about the heat and humidity.

    3. Here’s hoping your move goes smoothly, Uncle W.

      My own experience is that moving is hell, but sometimes you have to do it, anyway.

      1. Thanks, B.G. The move went uneventfully. I managed to get their stuff 2,370 miles with minimal damage. The piano is safely in the third floor apartment, and I am in a hotel room in Berkeley, CA

        We have a beautiful country, and I’m glad I can say I have driven across it. It makes me very grateful for major airline flight privileges.

  7. So he apparently believes in the ‘Gap Doctrine’ (it’s not a theory for him). I always thought that was antithetical to KJVonlyism. And he’s got some really convoluted and proof-texted reasoning.

    1. My first church was this way, although our branch of IFB was not settled on it. That was when it was KJPrefered; now it is KJOnly.

  8. That weird vortex guy that wants to bring about a Catholic theocracy in America also poses with a big ‘ol sword. Just sayin’.

  9. “He learned to play pinball down at the local 7-11 store. After a while, he would go there, regularly, just before lunchtime and play while waiting for the kids from the nearby high school. By the time any of them arrived, he would have five games racked up.”

    Is he sure he wasn’t the inspiration for Tommy?

    1. Well, he sure played a mean pinball. 😉

      The great thing is, no one in his circles will ever realize he merely ripped off a 70s rock song, and if anyone tries to tell them that, they’ll just dismiss it as “persecution.” Win-win!

      1. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how many old jazz standards and rock tunes Patch the Pirate has discreetly recycled, by the way?

        1. I’m guessing it’s in the high two figures.
          Am I warm?

          Why do you think they call him “the Pirate”?

        2. My husband says he’d love to see Patch’s recording collection. Figures there’s lots of stuff that’s not checkable at BJU. Allan Sherman isn’t exactly mainstream stuff, and we know he ripped off Sherman for at least one song. 😈

    2. I think perhaps a few sessions of fiddling about with Uncle Ernie could produce this level of nutcase

  10. Even better than the 2012 convention meeting at the Holiday Inn Express, I think, is the 1980 convention meeting held at the *Motel Birmingham* in Birmingham, Ala. Classic.

  11. I think he’s trying to imitate Captain Jack Sparrow with the Sword. Or is it Captain Morgan? 😯

    1. I thought this was a picture of him waiting in line for the opening of one of the Lord of the Rings movies….in character as an elf and everything.

    2. I believe the 1611 is the sword of the Lord, that’s why I carry a big sword. I think that makes him Captain Obvious.

  12. So, I followed the Wikipedia link to “Prohibition Party.” Their 2008 candidate got a whopping 648 votes, which actually seems high. I’m mildly impressed that he wheeled (bribed?) so many people into voting for him just because he doesn’t drink.

    Also, the narcissism of that party astounds me. We have soldiers in Afghanistan? People going hungry and unemployed here in the US? Really? We can fix that! Just ban liquor!!

    1. Hello, George. Good to make your acquaintance at last. 😛

      That was supposed to be “wheedled” people into voting for him, not “wheeled”, which creates an ENTIRELY different image.

        1. I got the image of someone being wheeled in on an appliance dolly. You know, someone who has been embalmed and all. 😈

    1. Yes, it is.
      “The Internet makes everyone a publisher, but none of them hire editors” (as the late Daniel Schorr observed).

  13. Use of the word “cirriculum” in a tract is annoying.
    Spouting off on Ruckman’s marriage difficulties, grossly misrepresented by making Ruckman look like the good guy is just plain wrong.
    Degrading the Greek and Hebrew is ignorant. He (like others) seem to think they mean absolutely nothing anymore. Not thinking it through.
    Getting his faith turned around because a pastors daughter wears cut offs coming from the lake. Classic. I wanted to hurl after reading that one.

    He was right on tithing.
    I liked his diatribe on elders.

    I hate myself for spending time reading the site.

    Brutha Doctah Whoppah is thinking about changing his name to “Huckleberry” now…

  14. I should not have clicked. That is one scary looking dude. I think Jack Nicholson played him in the movie. I tried to read the drivel but it was hard to follow. Is there a special gene that makes fundy websites undiscernible?

  15. Why does the number of times you read the Bible through qualify one for anything, let alone as some sort of Biblical scholar?

  16. What I like about the Prohibition Party is that its mascot is a camel.
    You know how the Democratic Party has a donkey and the Republican Party has an elephant and the Bull Moose Party had, uh, a bull moose?
    Well, the Prohibition Party has a camel.


    Why? The only likely reason I can think of is that a camel is said to be able to go for three days without drinking.
    Hmm, are they saying something about themselves here?

  17. His email address. I seem to remember it from somewhere. Now it will bug me for the rest of the day.

  18. I’m scared, please help. It seems that I may agree with him on his eschatology. I’ve only given it a cursory glance but I’m shocked someone this extreme isn’t all in for a pre-trib rapture. Interesting.

  19. “Oh, and the guy who runs the site apparently totes a sword around”
    HEY, I know a lot of people who tote swords around. Ok, we only do it on the weekends and while wearing renaissance costumes but we DO carry them. :mrgreen:

  20. Reading the Jack Fellure cra- info. If he’s elected POTUS, he’ll have the Bible open to two passages at the same time (Psalms & 2 Sam)!! 😆 Wonder if he’ll have TWO KJBs on the desk as a personal testimony of his spirituality? Seems modern-day Pharisees have exchanged phylacteries (tefillin) for Bible versions. 🙁

    Seriously, even when I was Fundy, I thought those KJBO’s were total whack-jobs. Announce your allegiance to the KJB & guarantee me smiling benignly while backing slowly toward the nearest exit. 😕

  21. Cosmology is a series of arguments for the existence of God and His creation of the universe.

  22. I met Jack Fellure in 1992 when he was running for president then. He came to a Sunday School class that I was teaching. One of the men in the church told me that he was often referred to as Jack Failure. I was surprised to find out that he continues to run for president. It is equally surprising to find out that the Prohibitionist party still exists.

  23. Oh, wow. This is a winner. I do not remember seeing a crazier fundy than this one anytime recently.

  24. It’s not wrong to own a claymore…or a nihonto (it is only called a katana when worn blade-up and paired with a wakizashi). Its just, we don’t wear them for our fundy-cult-kinda-Christian mug shots, that’s all…

  25. In the SCA, we have a name for these Miniver Cheevy types who carry live steel around all the time (assuming that that really is live steel and not just a cast metal wall hanger). We call them “new.” If they refuse to grow up and quit treating a killing weapon like a toy, we call them “that one guy who isn’t allowed at our events anymore.”

Comments are closed.