166 thoughts on “Real Baptists Distinctives”

      1. Yes there is. You’ll be on the front line when the Zombie Apocalypseโ„ข begins. You’ll have to warn the rest of us. And of course you’ll be the first to be eaten and for that, we thank you for your eventual sacrifice. ๐Ÿ˜†

      2. you can see more evidence of life there than in many Churches (not just Fundie ones, either)

    1. Generalizations are hillarious and this certainly captures the IFB church I grew up in, but doesn’t quite capture the SBC church I now currently minister in.

      Funny none the less!

  1. No Mathis, you’re second, I’m third unless someone else gets in before this posts. ๐Ÿ˜€ By then I may be fourth, fifth, or sixth, or lucky seventh! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. B-bullshitters
    T-time wasters
    S-sexual deviants
    T-toxic to be around

    1. WOW, don’t sugar coat it, BigE! Excellent and very to the point. ๐Ÿ˜€

  3. B – Bible kawledge edumacated
    A – Abusive authority of the Pastor
    P – Predatory
    T – Tithe demanding
    I – Insincere
    S – Sychophant
    T – Teatotaling glutton

  4. B – bossy
    A – anal
    P – perfectionists
    T – trapped in the past
    I – intolerant
    S – superior
    T – terrified

    1. Okay, I can see that there are lots and lots of AWESOME ones! I have never put a label on myself other than, I am born-again! ๐Ÿ˜Ž

  5. B – Bullys
    A – Always looking for the Raptureโ„ข
    P – Pre-occupied with sex
    T – Thigh covering
    I – Inability to consider anyone elses viewpoint
    S – Stuck in the 1950s
    T – Theologically stunted

  6. B- Big egos
    A- Always the final authority
    P- Prying into your life
    T- Taking everything they can
    I- Interfering
    S- Self-righteous
    T- Tyrants

    How bout that?! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  7. The Good ๐Ÿ™‚

    B – Bible believing
    A – Apologist
    P – Pre-millenial
    T – Theologically sound
    I – Intercessor
    S – Saved
    T – Tither

    The Bad ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    B – Boastful
    A – Abusive
    P – Power-hungry
    T – Totalitarian
    I – Insolent
    S – Scary
    T – Tyrannical

  8. I think a worthy Baptist tradition extends too far back to justify painting it with the excesses of one particular and recent strand. Just sayin’.

    1. Yet so many of us have similar experiences with this recent strand, so we discuss our experiences. Just sayin’, Mr. Passive-Aggressive Doofle.

    2. Really? You’re gonna use that one? Let me guess, next you’re gonna say that Baptists were the original Christians, right?

    3. Baptists were there, hiding in underground house churches in AD 1 or were Baptists there in hiding in the garden of Eden?

      1. I don’t think they were in the Garden of Eden at the beginning…. as I’m sure they would have made Eve put on a Jean Jumper. I’m speculating of course. I could be wrong.

        1. There would also be powder-pink t-shirt, nylons, and those little white tennis shoes. And a KJV in a floral cover.

      2. Funny! Were they hiding because Adam and Eve were naked and didn’t have high enough standards for them? ๐Ÿ˜Ž

        1. Oooh! The KJV Floral Cover is a nice touch. I just hope it’s a style from the 80’s. (That was such a ‘classy’ decade.)

      3. Baptists started with Abraham & Lot: He told Lot to pick one way, and he would go the other way!


    4. doofle makes a good point. Baptists are not all bad. Baptists in this country (the UK) are peacable, tentative and pleasant, and have a history stretching back to the non-conformists. Don’t tar all Baptists with the same brush, or you are sinking to the usual IFB level of generalising about “people who aren’t us.”

      1. Donโ€™t tar all Baptists with the same brush, or you are sinking
        Tar was actually used to waterproof small boats, thus preventing sinking

    5. It would be less efficient to make an acrostic of: post sixties american independent fundamental king james only bible believing old time religion missionary minded baptism by immersion all the founding fathers were born again republican conservative baptist. Besides, on this blog, i think everybody gets it that Baptist means all of the above.

  9. B – BAM! Qualified!
    A – Anderson
    P – Pisseth against the wall
    T – Trapped
    I – In
    S – Schaap’s
    T – Tyranny

    1. After hearing that “gem” of a sermon someone posted last night about “pissing” against a wall (how gross) this just made me ROTFL! I’ve never heard anything so disgusting in all my years in the IFB. That guy really takes the cake! ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

  10. From a IFB Woman’s Perspective. (If allowed by the MOG)

    B-Bowed head in the midst of the MOG.

    A-Ankle length skirts and coulottes (Made from recyled curtains are best. Waste not, Want not)

    P-Prepared casseroles in freezer just in case a missionary stops in for dinner.

    T-Two roles only: Help-Meet and Homemaker

    I-Ignorant of any Self-Awareness, Needs or Wants (Jesus Others and You!- What a wonderful way to spell J.O.Y.!)


    T-Totally Ignorant of anything worldly… like that filthy Better Homes and Gardens Magazine!!! Posh!

        1. I have a tape from first baptist I think it was Elaine Colston’s “The ABC’s of Femininity” and this made me think of that. I get such a sour taste in my mouth remembering this stuff… ๐Ÿ˜ฎ ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ˜ฅ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜ก

        2. And the real tragedy THERE is, the mess that her family became, the scandalous nature of the behavior of everyone involved, the repercussions still going on from it to this day, decades later… How did any of us ever buy into the idea that worship of a man, covering up of transgression, lies upon lies, could ever have a GOOD outcome???

      1. LOL!!! I don’t know about you, but MY happiness meter is FULL when I’m bare-foot and pregnant with my ninth child while standing over a sinkful of dishes. My heart can’t contain the happiness I feel as I dutifully scrub Tater-Tot Casserole off of 34 dishes due to the missionaries visiting. All while my Husband entertains the masses playing Dutch Blitz in the living room. J.O.Y. ๐Ÿ˜›

        1. @Darrell LOL!!

          Yes Dear! I’ll have your laundry done a little late tonight.(sorry) The women’s missionary society is meeting at my house this afternoon. We are finishing our crafted doilies for the orphans in Africa. (Won’t they be surprised?!)

        2. Sara, you just nailed it to the wall. That was my house the only thing to add both parents totally ignored us because we were just worthless, (which they told me often) kids not yet knowledgable in all things IFB. The church was their family we were just in the way, Church Sunday morn, Sunday night, Tuesday night Deacons meeting, Wednesday night Awana, Thursday Chior, Friday and Saturday cleaning the church for Sunday. Yes they were busy it made them the holiest of all. Past the anger just jaded now…I love God but put my family before church and for that im still wrong. Im sooo glad im out of there and not dragging my kids through that mudd (my kids whom my parents dont have time for of course because of their duties in their church) their loss I guess…whatever! I wanna be passed this but reading this actually drags me back at times. Reminds me tho to treat me kids with love and respect…something I totally missed growing up

        3. @wheels I am so sorry your parents ignored you. You deserved better. I’m so proud of you as you have broken that cycle of neglect/abuse in your family.

  11. Bartender hatin’
    Alcohol hidin’
    Papist bashin’
    Tolerance lackin’
    Ignorance totin’
    Sacrament monopolizin’
    Triggerfinger lovin’

  12. Bring
    Pint of

    (Not unique to Baptists, but it fit so well I couldn’t resist.)

    1. Whoops, I just noticed I have two “I” words in there. I guess I got carried away.
      How about:

      Temple for an


  13. Charles Finney? ๐Ÿ˜ณ Abolitionist Charles Finney? ๐Ÿ˜ณ Encourage women to speak up in church Charles Finney? ๐Ÿ˜ณ Educate women and blacks along with men Charles Finney? ๐Ÿ˜ณ President of Oberlin (progressive, co-ed dorms, co-ed bathrooms)College, Charles Finney? ๐Ÿ˜ณ Do they even know anything about their hero? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Grandison_Finney ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    1. He was the one who made altar calls/invitation popular. Without him, no one would be singing 44 verses of “Just As I Am.”

      1. I SO HATE that song… how many hours of my life did I waste singing verse after verse and then sometimes back to verse 1 again if “the lord was still moving hearts”…. I don’t attend anywhere so I rarely hear it anymore… but 1 second of that tune is enough to make me hyperventilate!

        1. You’d think I was joking about 44 verses, but, sadly, no. One church my husband and I attended had a visiting preacher come in during the pastor’s illness. They guy preached this lame rant, then came The Song. Sang all the verses, had the song leader sing them. Had the piano play them. Then wanted everyone to sing them again. I left at verse 24 (I had worked 3rd shift at the county jail that morning, so I was running out of humor for this guy). Others who stayed said it was at least 40 verses. He was not invited back.

      1. LOL. I am going to blame these on the fact that I was sick yesterday, and therefore cannot be responsible for anything that I posted on the internet. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

  14. These apply particularly to the ultra-fundy MOG:

    Sex-obsessed (especially other people’s)

  15. Okay, I wondered if I could do one and then I just started imagining what I see when I look around the sanctuary on any given Sunday morning and here is what came up:

    Sexist and or alternately sexless
    Tired very tiredโ€ฆsleeping actuallyโ€ฆ just sayin!

    1. This is an old post, but it seems we were of the same mind on the first and third letters.


  16. O.K., let’s try this using my favorite term for IFB preachers: BABDIST

    B – Bloated in body as well as ego
    A – Asinine in theological opinion
    B – Bible-twisting bullshit artists
    D – Dictatorial, deceiving, damned forever (the fate of all false teachers)
    I – Intolerant, incorrigible
    S – Slaves to un-biblical traditions (e.g., altar calls), Second Peter Chapter Two men
    T – Thieves against God and man

  17. Bangin’ on your door way too early Saturday morning
    Actin’ like they’re better than gid
    Pissin’ against the wall
    Torchin’ non-KJV bibles
    Itchin’ to empty your wallet & mind
    Swallowin’ camels whole
    Tithin’ on the mint & rue

    1. “Swallowin’ camels whole
      Tithin’ on the mint & rue” —

      Very nice use of Scripture!





  19. As a currently recovering fundie, I LOVE THIS! So true – and everyone else’s versions, great! I’m 50 and finally have been able to see real truth – I was buried way deep in fundie guilt about sending my abusive father to hell if I ‘told’.

  20. Blessed
    Preacher is mine
    Tasty church pot-lucks
    I’m getting in line
    Swearing by KJ
    Touched by Jack Hyles
    In for the long haul
    Close to the aisle (for the alter call, of course)

    1. Bazinga! And that song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Off to purge it with Metallica.

    2. This is BRILLIANT even without the last two lines! Sing it loud!!! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  21. B – Bully authority
    A – Autonomy of the Pastor
    P – Priesthood of Hyles
    T – Two Objects of worship – KJV & Pastor
    I – Individual Submits all Liberty to authority
    S – Saved, Baptized and modest church membership
    T – Two Officials of the church

        1. I played this for my wife.
          Her first comment was that “So a Paraplegic in a wheel chair can’t be a man?”

          And she shuddered when I told her this was was in HAC at the same time she attended.

  22. I’m not smart enough to think one up, but these certainly have been fun and similar to my experience!! ๐Ÿ˜†

    1. You can do it, MKXcomm! I believe in you, give it a try, it’s fun! ๐Ÿ˜€

  23. I don’t think many baptists like Finney. I know one kid who put it on his facebook wall, and then I said “You know Finney believed in sinless perfection, conditional works salvation” and a bunch of other stuff and he replied “no he didn’t”. So I showed him. The next 20 status updates were why Charles Finney is a heretic… oh boy…

    1. I disagree with Finney being on the list too – at my Fundy U, he was on the black list. That’s because he preached a social gospel.

  24. Blaming
    All their
    Troubles and
    Inconveniences on
    Temptations, instead of

  25. B- Bible believing (NOT)

    A- Alter calls (NOT Biblical)

    P- Pray the sinners prayer (NOT Biblical)

    T- Tithing (NOT Biblical)

    I- Intolorant of Modern Versions, (NOT Biblical)

    S- Seperated from other believers (NOT Biblical)

    T- Totalitarian Dictatorship (NOT Biblical)

  26. ouch.

    Incidentally, I feel like I just stumbled across a Fundie shocker:

    Fundamentalism sounds super similar to B.P.D. as defined by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine.

    That’s right an actual DIAGNOSIS!

    More info here: http://t.co/NXu8y0x

  27. B- Boring

    A- Amen-ing

    P- Pulpit-thumping

    T- Tight-fisted

    I- Intimidated by the slightest appearance of evil

    S- Singing only hymns

    T- Thinking they’re superior

  28. B – Bible-denying (ESV, NIV, etc.)

    A – Assimilation

    P – Poisoning the Well

    T – Toxic leader

    I – Indoctrination

    S – Sacred Science

    T – Thought terminating cliche

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