382 thoughts on “KJV Singles Website!”

    1. It’s for the visually impaired ๐Ÿ™„ Actually, the giant KJV taped on his Bible reminds me of people driving cars around with stickers that say 22″ so people will know their rim size. Blech.

      1. Random thought… I’d love it if someone would photoshop a hat and suspenders on this guy to make him look Amish. He already has the beard for it. ๐Ÿ˜›

        1. Isn’t the beard only for married Amish guys? This guy seems to be having difficulty finding a wife.

        2. That’s right, they continue to shave til they’re married and begin growing a beard after they marry. I don’t know why they only have a beard and no mustache and when I read up on this it seemed no one else did either, it’s just something traditional.

          I was rather surprised to see a fundy male in a casual shirt and no suit and tie. ๐Ÿ˜•

        3. @macushlondara
          Amish men are not allowed to wear mustaches because that would give them a military appearance. It’s a throwback to the 1800’s when officers wore mustaches. Fundies are stuck in the fifties, the Amish are stuck in the 1850’s.

        4. Amish men’s lack of mustache has to do with being separate from the Prussian military class in their home countries.

      1. I’m all for the second ammendment and I typically carry a gun, but really? Why does he have to tack on the BS about the Prez.

        Sure I’m public in my distaste for the Prez but making comments like that are just meant to tick people off.

        SFL: Escalation – My mom can give yall a lesson if you want!

        1. Which reminds me of one of those urban preaching legends where there was a guy who was given a KJV Bible. He put it in his pocket and later got shot (I think he was a soldier). He survived because the KJV Bible took the bullet and saved him. Which just goes to show that the KJV is the more sure word and best defense, amen?

    1. Funny thing about that–if you believe sex is the only thing that breaks a marriage (as in sexual adultery), then you tend to believe that sex is the only thing that makes a marriage.

      1. Sex sucks! Believe me, this is not really a fundy issue: ALL men are sick perverts who like sex! I divorced my husband over 20 years ago and have not missed sex with him once (or any other man).

  1. I love this part of the warning from the site

    “I suggest meeting at your local church, preferably with your pastor. And carry a gun for protection (until Obama takes it from your cold dead hand).”

    Ha ha

    1. Obama’s got all the guns he needs, folks. He doesn’t want yours.

      Anyway, who takes a gun along on a date? (Unless it’s a duck-hunting date.) And who takes a gun to church?

      1. The majority of my fundy church “packs heat” every Sunday. As a matter of fact, the church is having a concealed weapons course today in the Christian school gym…

        I also know a fundy pastor that keeps a handgun in the pulpit.

  2. I’m surprised this hasn’t been thought of before this. I know of couples who met because someone knew someone who knew someone… I’m thinking of one man from my old church in Michigan who was introduced to a women from Louisiana and it worked out for them. ๐Ÿ™‚

        1. Oops, sorry, I thought you meant the guy who made the video. I don’t doubt that what you say is true too though.

        1. Perhaps. ๐Ÿ˜€ Mind you, there’s nearly a decade shaved off my age … There’s at least one more fake profile (or at least a highly coloured one)there. Is it someone’s here?

  3. First of all, carry a gun for protection? Yikes. And I’ve only glanced at a few profiles, but one of those guys was downright scary: “You’ll be paying for yourself and living with me until rapture or death and you’ll like it!” (paraphrased, but still). WTH?

    I’m totally considering creating a fake …

    1. Would it be mean to create a fake, string one of those guys along, then, when it comes time to meet… you send the guy some random place and then don’t show up? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

        1. I didn’t figure. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I didn’t have any intention of doing that myself. I just made the profile out of silliness. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

      1. Not showing up would be mean; showing up in pants with your NIV would be grounds for condemnation and a 3 point allliterated sermon delivered before the appetizers.

        1. I actually do like the King James version. I think the poetry of it is absolutely lovely. That said, I’d be showing up to a first date (well, if I wasn’t married, anyway) in a pair of tight jeans, a low cut top, and stiletto boots. THAT might be enough to earn me a sermon. If not, I’m pretty sure my sailor mouth would. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  4. Gotta love the Ruckman commentary series on the shelf behind him. I didn’t say I was proud that I know what they look like. ๐Ÿ˜ณ But I’m sure it adds a level of KJB authenticity.

  5. I can think of nothing creepier than WANTING to live with a man who believed the KJV-only heresy, unless it was WANTING to live with one like that who also carried a gun for protection. He sounds paranoid to say the least. Imagine if another man ever looked at his wife, even in just a friendly way! Ick.

    However, this has been inspirational for me. I now seriously consider starting a dating web site for the widowed spouses of one-time fundies, whose spouse had nevertheless been delivered from fundamentalism by the time of their death, who have knee-jerk reactions at fundy ways, who graduated from a Fundy U, preferably that bastion of cover-up, perversion, lies and hypocrisy, HAC, though BJU runs a close second, , based on arrogance alone… who loves run-on sentences, yappy little dogs, witty (okay, maybe wise-ass) grown children and who do not mind running the gamut they will perform, who do not mind a cranky old man in the background that the family is nevertheless committed to caring for, who STILL are with this incredible run-on sentence, who thinks public libraries are crucial to a free society, and who do not want dating friend to look like an emaciated waif.

    I predict monumental success! ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. Let’s see… He is a racist, he believes the government is one huge conspiracy that is out to get him personally, he reads fascist news rags, he is totally self-absorbed… Yes, that is sure to bring them in droves! ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. So the guy that started this KJV-based dating site would totally get along with the cranky old man, then? Maybe you’re dismissing creepy site too quickly. ๐Ÿ˜›

    1. Thank you for considering this from the female point of view Eric. A lot of fundy guys only think in terms of “What’s in it for me?” and don’t consider what’s in it for HER. ๐Ÿ™„

  6. OK, so I just have to share at least one profile member’s “about me” section from the website. All the single ladies out there read carefully and consider contacting this guy.

    “I was saved in Nov. of 1998. I was called to full time ministry soon after that. I was called in pastor in 2002. I would like to start a church in a city few miles from my hometown that do not got any KJB Independent Baptist Churches. I am a southern country boy who believe in guns and hunting. I am pre trib, pre millennium and a dispensational. I belive that KJB is the Word of God and is pure, perfect, and without error. I believe that all other versions(NKJV, NIV, ESV,ASV, NIV 2011) is trash. I believe in the trinity, eternal security, street preaching. I like chick tracts. I was homeschooled and will homeschool my children if the Lord give me any. I want as many children as the Lord will allow (Ps. 127:3). I am looking for a girl who is KJBO, want as many children as the Lord will allow, like street preaching, study her Bible, a dispensational, believe in the trinity, believe in eternal security, can cook, planning on homeschool her children, keeper at home and take care of the children and the house, pre trib and pre millennium.”

      1. I generally think Rapture theories are a lot of heretical malarky, but if guys like this would be taken away, I have to hope there will be a rapture, and soon.

        Looking forward to being left behind …

        1. He really meant it on May 21. When will he ever learn? The whole world went nuts in anticipation. Then the day passes and instead of laying low and shutting up he predicts another date. What’s this thing he has for the number 21? ๐Ÿ™„

        2. Harold has the date right but he’s 14 months early… c’mon everybody knows it’s December 21, 2012. ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. If anyone wants to check the information out themselves, his profile pic is the one with the lion standing on all other versions with AV1611 inscribed on the side of the lion. And no, I didn’t just make that up.

      My thoughts as I read his info: pre mil and pre trib and dispensational. Really? I was a little surprised about the dispensationalism. ๐Ÿ˜‰
      He had me laughing out loud at the Chick Tracts comment, but on the upside, his future spouse now knows what to buy him for his birthday.
      Anyway, he’s a catch ladies if you want a guy who promises to be gone street preaching while you’re back home pregnant in the kitchen making his supper and homeschooling 5 kids while potty training 2 others and wondering if the one that is still attached to your nipple should be weaned before or after you pop the next one out.

    2. Holy what. I was homeschooled. This guy is an embarrassment. Also, I’ve absolutely met this homeschooler and his homeschooling parents. They’re the reason the rest of us always have to disclaim ourselves when we say we were homeschooled. ugh.

    3. That profile description is too horrible to be real! Can a native English-speaker really have such a poor grasp of grammar? If so, he makes Southerners and homeschoolers look REALLY bad!

      1. Exactly. A wife shouldn’t be smarter than her husband after all. In all things he must be superior! A wife who can spell and use punctuation correctly is going to make him look like an illiterate dumbbell. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    4. “I believe in Eternal Security, the Trinity and Street Preaching.” LOL

      Can I add peanut butter to that list? Peanut butter is really important too and I totally believe in it.

    5. What! No specific date, time, sermon topic, invitation song being sung, verse of said song, and weather conditions!?

      We can only conclude that his salvation is a false one if he leaves out these vital details!

  7. Ok, three days in a row that I am asking, “Is this for real?” ๐Ÿ™„

    I especially liked, “It’s better to marry than to burn…figure it out.” Hahahahah.

    1. Yeah, seriously. Beyond just the dating, it epitomizes fundy separation from all those wicked people out there. No atheists, sodomites, Bible mockers… (Yeah, I watched till the end.)

      I am so glad that I am out of this nonsense and can love people without worrying about whether they read the NIV vs. KJV.

  8. Taken from a profile–“I do not have a television because I think its important in your Christian walk to not give yourself to anything that is perverse and displeasing to God. I think the television is actual mass mind control and can affect the way you think and your ability to rationalise etc”

    And that there internet that you’re using, don’t have no perverseness on it? ๐Ÿ˜›

    1. Hmmm… “rationalise etc” – doesn’t rationalize mean “to invest plausible excuses for…”? Maybe the author meant “to think rationally”??

    2. But I thought it you wear a tinfoil hat they couldn’t control your mind. Would it be ok to watch “Father Knows Best” as long as I am wearing my hat?

  9. OK, I just clicked through and started browsing through the members profiles. I see listed as one item “Year you were saved.” Why in tarnation should that matter??

    1. So a Christian of 20 years is not unequally yoked with a Christian of 2 years (2 Cor. 6:14). I know what the verse says, darn it, but there’s a principle underneath the text! Even if both oxen are pulling in the same direction, if one’s pulling faster than the other the entire plow line will be crooked and you know what *that* means!

        1. My birth year was the year I was baptised. If I admitted that on “KJV Singles,” though, I’m sure I’d get kicked off the site.

    2. Well, obviously if the date is on there… it definitely happened. No one who truly isn’t saved is gonna be on this site! It is so nice to know that you can KNOW someone is saved if they can produce a date. ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Sometimes I chuckle when people get the satire posts mixed up with the real-live-fundy posts. And then I read something like this, and I totally understand. You could not write a satire more biting than the reality.

  11. Liked this: “Gotta love the Bible believer’s sense of humor even if it is offensive.” Heh. Yeah. Just gotta. (Of course THAT doesn’t go both ways.)

    1. Apparently so. That explains a lot, actually.

      โ€œI suggest meeting at your local church, preferably with your pastor. And carry a gun for protection (until Obama takes it from your cold dead hand).โ€


  12. So…reactions:

    1.) I’m a little surprised courtship didn’t come up.
    2.) “And if any of you ladies are delusional enough to think “appearance doesn’t matter” or “Christians should not use physical attractiveness as a criteria for choosing a spouse”, you better read 1 Corinthians 7:1-9!” TRANSLATION: Ladies, you need to be beautiful, because men will choose you on looks. Men, you can be as nasty as you want because you’re doing the choosing.
    3.) How can a site that was started two months ago already be on the Fundamental Top 500? Is it really that popular already?

    1. To question 3 – Maybe fundamentalists haven’t reached 500 websites yet, so it was automatically added. ๐Ÿ˜†


      A fundamentalist site only needs 13 hits to be counted among the top 500.
      ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜†

    2. As a woman who loathes having my picture taken for obvious reasons I took great offense at this statement. I know some men who don’t like having their picture taken for the same reasons, but naturally this comment was only geared to the ladies. Why do they think men can’t be either handsome or not handsome just as women can be either pretty or not pretty? Or are we again laboring under the idiot misconception that a man’s looks don’t matter to a woman since she hasn’t got the same ability to be attracted to a man meaning she has no sexual needs? Only the man has sexual needs therefore he needs to have an attractive wife he will want to have sex with. To the woman it matters not whether he’s handsome or ugly, fat or thin, takes a bath or doesn’t take one, since she will hate the sex act and only consider it another way to submit. Why do they think women want to get married then? If this is all there is to it why do women ever get married? ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

      1. I figured out a great way to corner all the sex I can handle. I go to the gym regularly. I know it is a novel idea, but a fit man-bod is actually attractive to some women – like my wife. Works wonders for both our libidos. Of course, I’m apostate, so I actually consider my wife an equal. And I try to please her. Imagine that.

  13. From the Dating website disclaimer:
    Lying and serious heresy (as defined by this website’s administrator)

    bwahahahaha, sure makes me thankful for our own beloved benevolent dictator.

  14. My parents are KJV-only. They weren’t completely happy that BJU was only KJV-preferred instead of KJV-only. At BJU, I met a guy who carried a NASB; he became my husband. I’m so glad I’m married to a balanced, humble, reasonable man instead of the type of guys described on this dating site. I feel like a bird escaped from the hand of the fowler!

    1. I know, right!!! I was still relatively fundy when I met and married my husband (who was never really fundy, but I loved him anyway)… I am so thankful for him now that I’m OUT.

  15. More from the disclaimer:
    By submitting a profile, you acknowledge that this website is a religious ministry, not a business, and you are promised no specific services, (ummm must be a’la carte)

    sayyyy, what are they running over there? A 1611, Authorized, King James Escort Service?

    1. Here at KJ’s Escorts all of our girls have Biblical names and it seem that Ruth, Suzy Shulamite, and Esther seem to be most requested

      You may request they dress in one of our many IFB outfits, ranging from the casual culottes and short sleaved high nech blouse, Floor length denim junpers or a more formal floral print dress.

      Remember,Your personal information will never be sold to any third party, but it may be kept by the administrator for the purposes of screening out attempted future offenses and/or criminal investigations.

      And, all our girls are at least 18 years of age.

      1. dang george you got all excited about placing an order there didn’t ya?
        *uh-hugh… I wanna Ruth in denim and white keds, who knows how to handle a Black Cambridge Wide Margin KJB. (o-o-o-oh yeah) and, and who can play a piano (preferably white) and, and who really knows how to hold her microphone when she sings… oh,oh YES! Well, Glory! Honolulu!

        1. Poor George. Don’t be embarrassed. It happens to all guys occasionally. In the future I have heard that if you think about baseball it helps.

        2. “Now batting for the King James Codpiece, number 69… Dr george.
          So far in this series Dr george has struck out, popped up to the catcher and had a base on balls. He is desperately looking for that extra base hit.”

  16. Wow. WOwie. WOW Wow. I just looked at some of the profiles and cannot believe how blessed I feel to have accidentally gotten a guy (at HAC) who turned out to be NOT this sort of guy. I think I am going to go wake him up and give him a hug. ๐Ÿ˜€

    1. I hope you really did. I will never forget my late husband telling me, “I didn’t want a doormat. I wanted a strong woman with a good brain, one I am happy to leave my children with.”. How prophetic that turned out to be, as he died not long afterward. For a HAC grad, that was some rad thinking! He was a hunk of burning love, and a tough act to follow.

      1. I am happy for BOTH of us that we found the two guys at HAC who didn’t fall into the machine. I think mine was actually unaware that there even WAS a machine. I wish I had gotten to meet your husband. He sounds like a wonderful man. (And of course would have to have the patience of Job to… oh, be nice, ok)

        1. You are so kind! It was long ago, the kids are grown now, the Lord is so faithful to the widow and the fatherless, and we are some pretty fun people! ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. What DO they say about that childbirth verse? I never understood it myself and I remember my x asking me what I thought it meant after I left him. ๐Ÿ˜•

        1. I had heard it taught that if you are married but refuse to have children (besides that you are selfish and there must be something wrong with you) that you are probably not saved.

        2. That explains it. I had bemoaned the fact that I had two more kids by him when the marriage was over and how sad that was. He was “warning/insulting” me and I didn’t even know it. ๐Ÿ™„

      2. I have never understood that verse. It goes on to say if they continue in faith and charity and holiness and sobriety. Who is “they” the mother or the children? This verse has always bothered me because I don’t have children. Do cats count? :mrgreen:

        1. I haven’t read the verse in a long time, and don’t remember exactly what it says, but I am of the opinion that the childbirth that is being referred to is THE childbirth. The child who was born who saved us. Since I don’t know the original languages and stuff I would not be dogmatic on that, but I do know there is NOTHING we can do to save ourselves, including bearing children. So even though I HAVE borne children, I am not counting on that for my salvation at ALL! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  17. Anyone see this profile? He writes, “I can’t afford to feed you, so you’ll have to have your own job. But since that’s the case, I won’t expect you to do all the household “chores” yourself. I don’t even mind doing all the cooking if you don’t like to.”

    He stipulates that his wife must “wear appropriate clothing in public” (and in the bedroom too, no doubt) and be content with “modest living” (rice every night).

    And then there’s this gem: “You can learn alot about me from my website and youtube videos. If you think we can be happy together and can see no reason yet not to marry me and are seriously considering it (WHY you would I have no idea), email me here or on facebook.”

        1. Bingo! He expects her to have her own job and do all the housework (but he’s so nice as to offer to cook, but notice he says nothing about washing dishes) while he he puts up you tube videos? Does he say he even HAS a job? Sorry buddy but til you are willing to assume your Biblical role don’t expect a good God fearing woman to accept you! โ—

      1. Hmmm. He thinks it’s attractive that he can’t or won’t even support himself? I don’t know any women who would be drawn to that even if he looked like Brad Pitt!!

      1. Unfortunately, Floyd looks like he’s the real deal. Follow through to his FB page and his Youtube account and you’ll see that he backs up his beliefs that he states in his about me section. Wow! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

        1. Ok, this is CRAZY! I have things to do today, and now all I am doing is reading a bunch of insane singles profiles looking for the fake-crazy one. WHO is crazy here? Oh yeah, gotta be ME!

  18. I feel so sorry for the girls on there. After reading a few of their profiles they seem FAR less crazy than the men. (of course that doesn’t include the Proverbs 31 woman with the red hair)

  19. SO many questions…..

    1. How IS IT that this guy is STILL single?

    2. I wonder what the ratio of desperate, horny, socially-awkward, terminally single guys to women on this website might be?

    3. I wonder what the average weight of the women on this site is?

    4. Does the website questionaire/profile have any questions regarding the practice of “wife spanking” for disciplinary purposes?

    5. Does it require the females to upload a photograph of them dressed in a burkini?

    Wow….just simply, Wow.

      1. What Connie saidโ€ฆ I only looked at it briefly this morning but there was a lot of male poundage on that page and another poster already stated that there was no way those weights posted were correct.

  20. Wow! He’s HOT!

    I mean, what more would a lady want than a guy who’s SEVERELY sexually repressed who sits in a library discussing ways to find himself a bride so he no longer has to “burn”.

    And when he uses phrases like “you ladies”, it just makes me SWOON!

    But I do have a question, when the young lady asks why you brought a gun, what exactly are you going to say?

    (Psst… Don’t bring a gun on your date. It’s tacky.)

      1. Then if he/she feels they need their firearm to take down a single person alone verses taking them down physically, they should never call themselves a cop. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      2. A cop trying to flush out under age girls on this site? I don’t think it matters in this world. The younger the girl, the more trainable. My church had severeal parents of 13 and 14 year old girls allowing their girls to date/court men 18 and older.

    1. I personally found his dead monotone voice irresistible. ๐Ÿ™„

      And come on, fundy guys. You seriously think women will spring for that? Also, you basically demand that the women present themselves as beautiful princesses and then expect them to be attracted to you for your KJB Onlyism? The hypocrisy kills me. I’m not saying all guys should aspire to be Brad Pitt-clones or whatever, but to place such an emphasis on the external appearance for women and then to imply that the men are to be accepted as they are is heinous to me.

      I remember as a fundy teen feeling that it was a sin to want to be physically attracted to your future husband. I remember feeling like God would probably call me to marry the most socially awkward, repulsive, and embarrassing guy possible because that’s what I wouldn’t want. And the worst fundy men do nothing to dispel this lie for women!

      If I were still in Fundystan I would probably fulfill my young vow never to marry. Eternal celibacy would be far, far better than being chained to this type of person and trapped in such a repressive ideology.

      1. You are safe, I already married and divorced him. Yes, celibacy is pretty much not very different than being married to someone like that, at least you are not under his “authority”. I also feel like the IFB teach that physical attraction isn’t important for the women pretty much only.

        1. Haha that’s funny. First what do you look like? Reminds me of the dating site that made the news for turning down “ugly” women.

  21. A former coworker, a nonpracticing Catholic, told me that he found his best “lays” in fundy and evangelical churches. The young ladies can be so desperate that they may never catch a husband that they can be talked into most anything. In addition they have the hope of saving his soul for Christ. Wow, don’t tell him about this site. He could shop at home and give up his Sunday morning (or Wednesday evening) shopping trips. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

      1. It gets better…he had a YouTube question featured on CNN’s Republican primary debate in 2007. It boiled down to, “Do you believe the Bible?” And of course, he laments that, “Apparently nobody realized or cared that I was referring specifically to the KING JAMES Bible.”

  22. It looks like there are a ton of Philippino girls on the site. I wonder if after these girls get citizenship they’ll want to stay with their KJB husbands :/

  23. Did you see this gem? Are Christians really supposed to hate?

    “I hate Calvinists, I wish they would be removed from the face of the planet. I want a wife who loves the KJB 1611 unedited (who is jesus who is the word) and would never read the damnable blasphemous whorish nkjv, nasb, and defiantly not the esv or the message. If you are a feminist, communist, or lordship salvation person stay away. If you want to work instead of staying home with our 5 (or more) children stay away. dress modestly. Remember we can talk about things but what I say GOES! I am the leader of the house hold. cooking skills required. I wouldn’t dare marry a women who cannot cook, clean, and all the other things that a good WIFE should do. again reiterate NO CALVINISTS ALLOWED! in love, James”

      1. That’s another thing that’s always irked me. Why do the women in the Bible have to take the blame for “barrenness” when it could’ve been the man shooting blanks? ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

      1. Lordship Salvation is another way to add works to salvation. Basically, it says that to be saved you have to make Jesus the Lord of every area of your life. That false doctrine caused me a great deal of grief.

    1. Screeching halt here. My den walls are lined with books. How many books one owns is connected to trustworthiness? Huh. ๐Ÿ™„

      Now POSING in front of them possibly.

    2. Love books! Love houses lined with huge bookcases full of books! (Although it does depend what books are on the shelves. Ruckman, Pearl, and Hyles – my enthusiasm is completely squashed.)

    3. I don’t know how many books I have, but I have enough that my wife talked me into renting one of those mini-warehouses for some of them. (She has almost as many books as I have, though.)

    4. You should see our apartment! 5 tall bookshelves on one side of the living room with my husband’s books and 5 tall bookshelves on the other side with my books. Another huge bookshelf in the dining room with my cookbooks and another tall bookshelf in my reading room with more books. And yet another couple of bookshelves in the bedroom!

      Of course to Mr. Fundyman, he can read all he likes but his prospective wife won’t have any time for it. Too busy cooking and cleaning and raising his children and homeschooling them. The only reading she’ll have time for is the books she’s using for homeschooling. ๐Ÿ˜•

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