Fundy Sex Week Day 5: Playing Taboo

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Yes, in case you were wondering, I’m purposely being provocative.

With the dreadful lack of education and information available about sex and the constant dire warnings that misusing it will lead to the destruction of your eternal soul, it’s not hard to see why fundamentalists have a lot of doubts and questions about what exactly they’re allowed to do when it comes to sex. Not that they actually ask anybody, mind you, they just spend lots of time feeling guilty about…whatever it is. In fundyland even thinking to ask a question may be a sign that you’re a total pervert and it’s better not to take the chance.

It might seem strange that two married adults (of the opposite sex, even!) would be worried that their private and consensual activities might somehow offend the sensibilities of their pastor or church. But that kind of fear is actually pretty normal in fundamentalism. If the powers that be in fundamentalism can regulate what’s in a person’s wardrobe, refrigerator, and movie collection then is it really so strange that someone might worry that they’ll judge what goes on in your bedroom (or kitchen, shower, Waffle House, or wherever the spirit moves you)?

This fear and guilt leaves amorous fundamentalists with far more questions than answers.

Can we…?

What about using a…?

And then is it ok to say…?

What about trying…?

As an answer to all these and whatever other questions may have popped into your head in the last ten seconds, allow me to borrow a little bit from the 10th Amendment to the US constitution: “The right to do all kinds of sexy fun time stuff that is not explicitly commanded by the Scripture, nor prohibited by it is reserved to any couple’s best judgment, consensual agreement, and basic common sense.”

How about this? Love each other. Submit yourself to one another. Do unto each other as you would have them do unto you…and then just have fun. When it comes right down to it, that’s what sex is really supposed to be all about.

144 thoughts on “Fundy Sex Week Day 5: Playing Taboo”

      1. I think I would have been first but for a server error. So I edited down the comment substantially… alas.

  1. “If the powers that be in fundamentalism can regulate whatโ€™s in a personโ€™s wardrobe, refrigerator, and movie collection then is it really so strange that someone might worry that theyโ€™ll judge what goes on in your bedroom (or kitchen, shower, Waffle House, or wherever the spirit moves you)?”

    I’m glad you opened that up a bit. Let me tell you a story about the inlaw’s beanbag chair…oh, never mind.

    1. Did you at least have the decency to take the chair out and burn it afterward? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    2. When my younger sisters came to visit my husband and me, I enjoyed teasing them by saying things like “OH, are you sure you want to sit on that couch?” They thought nothing was safe in our house ๐Ÿ˜†

        1. You take that back right now!

          I’ve banned people for lesser offences than badmouthing the Waffle House. ๐Ÿ˜›

      1. Friend of mine had one of those, made the mistake of putting one of the Featured non-sin items in it, and now the fleshlight only works when one of those are in it…. ruined it for life. It’s a hard act to follow. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

        1. Yeah, “he” did and now it will only work right if it has one of those Male Replacement Devices in it. Everytime he tries to us it either the batteries are dead, or the switch won’t turn on. I just lies there and doesn’t move no matter how enthusiastic about using it he is. But put one of those battery opperated MRD’s in there and it turns itself on and goes to town. I think he named it Christine… ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

        2. george!!! “IT” just lies there…. ๐Ÿ˜ณ I’ll be glad when this week is over. It has just been one long reminder of my short comings. ๐Ÿ™

  2. Well, Darrell, I’m surprised. No mention of required sex chapels, meat loaf days, or stroking the snake of pornea?

      1. You’d have to be a PCC student to fully grasp that one.

        Suffice it to say that we had a member of the administration that was prone to saying strange things from time to time.

        1. I’ve never heard the term “Onanism”, but considering what Onan is known for, I’m pretty sure I caught the meaning. :mrgreen:

        2. Random trivia: the German word for the Day 5 Bonus is “onanieren.” Confession: I only know this because Rammstein uses it in their song “Keine Lust.” ๐Ÿ˜ณ

  3. If anyone has a question, I am completely willing to answer it.

    I sold adult products for more than a decade.

    If this is too forward, I apologize. I am making the offer in Darrell’s spirit of candor.

    Any question; it doesn’t matter.

      1. Lol, the funny thing is that most of my staff were female. And for the most they were very good, decent people.

    1. Don, what’s this from??? I cracked up LOL. Loved the priest bit. The whole clip has this Mel Brooks feel.

    2. I’ve been trying to find the clip from the Steve Martin movie Parenthood where the lights go out during a large family gathering and he thinks he grabbed a flashlight only to have the lights come back on with him holding a vibrator, but I can’t locate it.

  4. Darrell, I love your sense of common sense. And your sense of humor. This post epitomizes both.

  5. And here I thought we where going to have a post about the censored Taboo games in the Social Parlor!

    1. The irony is that they would cross off(black out) the words you couldn’t say. So does that mean you now can say it? Or does that mean we weren’t suposed to even think it?

  6. It’s not a sin, but lemme tell ya, chocolate syrup just isn’t a good idea… ๐Ÿ˜•

  7. Hey guys, have you ever checked out the Christian Domestic Discipline movement? You know, the fundys that say it’s okay to spank your wife…?? (not kidding)

    1. It’s OK to spank your wife? All I can say that in this day and age, if you can imagine it, there’s probably a group that does it.

      1. It’s also true that if you can’t imagine it, there is a group doing it.

    2. If you had done your research instead of a superficial look at a webpage, you would know two things: First, they are not Fundy. Second, it is consensual. That is the major thing…consensual.

      Now, while i do not at all like the CDD groups or writings (which is a TYPE of a broader lifestyle called simply Domestic Discipline. Non religious people engage in this lifestyle. It has many other branches of philosoply such as Head of Household Relationships, or Taken in Hand Relationships.) I do not at all have an issue with consenting adults practicing something that in mainstream sexuality might be considered…oh what is the name of today’s post…TABOO. It is ironic that even though you are participating in a thread about how judgmental fundies are about the “taboo”,you continue to spread the fundy judgmental approach to such activities simply because you are ignorant and uninformed.

      1. One of the reasons I wasn’t too into dating at BJU was because I didn’t want to wind up with a Mrs. Degree and find out that they were completely ignorant and boring in bed.

        Even before I left the fundy ways, I didn’t want to marry a fundy. I was so terrified that the sex would be horrible and I’d be stuck with that for the rest of my life.

  8. Let me also suggest that, if you’re a young married ex-fundy couple and find that you need to make an emergency purchase of some prophylactics at the local supermarket, and you’re looking for something else to add to your shopping cart so that the cashier doesn’t realize that you’re, well, you know. Anyway, if you find yourself in that situation, about the last thing you should consider adding to the shopping cart would be a disposable camera. Particularly if you’re in such a hurry to get home that those are the only two things in your cart and your only goal is to avoid embarrassment.

    Just sayin.

    1. richao, I can’t think of ANY one item that could be added to the prophylactic purchase that wouldn’t make it just as embarrassing, if not more so. You pretty much have to do a full shopping run, and sneak the prophylactics in with everything else.

      1. Always buy a few cucumbers when you buy prophylactics and nothing else. It gives the cashier a great story to tell in the break room.

      2. True. I remember running up and down the aisles looking for something, anything. Bananas? Nope. Beer? Not really. I still can’t figure out why the disposable camera seemed to make sense. I wasn’t until the cashier was ringing me up that it hit me. Fortunately, this happened in a very liberal west coast city where it would have required a lot more than that to phase the cashier, I think.

        1. That might be hard for people trained to not even go into a movie theater because “someone might see them”!

    2. >_< I would think ordering in bulk from Amazon would be a better bet. Dave Barry had this problem:

      When I was a teenage male, it was very difficult to obtain condoms, because you had to buy them at the drugstore from the Condom Lady, who was about 65 and looked like your grandmother only more moral. She had a photographic memory so she knew exactly who you were, and as soon as you left the store, she would dial a special number that would connect her with a gigantic loudspeaker system so she could announce to your parents and your teachers and everybody in your church or synagogue and people on the street that you had just bought condoms.

      (from Babies and Other Hazards of Sex)

      1. bwahahahaha.

        Dave Barry is my writing idol. I wish I had 1/10 a portion of his spirit.

    3. Or be a girl purchasing said devices. Embarassing! Even married, I still had a difficult time purchasing condoms (for when the birth control pill was nullified by antibiotics). ๐Ÿ˜•

      1. You really need to meet my wife, SHE’S the one that supplies almost all of our rubber needs. She buys multiple large boxes, at one time, proudly stacking them on the counter. Doesn’t matter who the cashier is…she actually told me one cashier was asking her about a certain brand she had selected, wondering if we’d tried them yet and how we liked them.

        My wife should work for Trojan. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. Go wife! I’m so with her. I do buy them sometimes instead of my hub-ster. One time I was with my two unhappy toddlers who were just miserable for all to hear and when the cashier grabbed the condom box to scan, she just gave me this ‘look’. So I looked right back and then pointed to my screaming kids and said to her “What?!?! You should be thanking me!”

    4. You also have to add whipped cream to your cart. Disposable camera, whipped cream and condoms make for some interesting looks in the checkout line ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

      1. . . .and handcuffs off the toy aisle. Bonus points if the handcuffs come with a sherriff badge.

      1. A few years ago my tween daughter unloaded our grocery purchases and asked if the ky jelly went in the fridge with the grape….. โ—

      2. Original KY products were developed for medical exams, not intimate moments. KY does make products now for sex. Ask the pharmacist, if you have questions.

        1. KY is also what people use to keep those tiny bows in newborns hair. You can also use Karo syrup, but that can attract bugs.

        2. Then there’s Preparation KY-H hair jell for those Fundie preacher boys who are trying to “fit in” with the “In” crowd. The Senior Pastor appreciates the thoughtfullness for those who are practicing the Hancock maneuver. It lubricates and helps shrink swelling associated with jockeying for position to get a head (in the first position).

    5. Also – if you’re at the drugstore for some lube and you have the choice of two lines, pick the one with the teenager who can’t be bothered to acknowledge your existence. If you pick the line with the blue-haired 85 year old, and the UPC doesn’t scan, you may find yourself hearing her yell to her co-workers to get the price, yelling the name of it and loudly reading off the usage instructions for anyone within 200 feet. After all of which, she still seemed confused as to what exactly that would be used for.

    6. Reminds me of the time I bought only two items, tampax and a chocolate candy bar. The female clerk chuckled and that’s when it hit me!

      1. Love it! Help me, I’m having a chocolate attack because it’s my time of month!!! Doesn’t get more stereotypical than that! ๐Ÿ˜†

      2. My problem is… that stereotype’s completely true in my case! Peanut butter M&Ms are my drug of choice, though.

  9. once i ended in up in line behind a guy buying condoms and whipped cream (nothing else) on New Year’s Eve

    1. Once on a camping trip, I ran to the Piggly Wiggly in town to pick up a few things we forgot – rope, charcoal starter, vodka and rubbers.

      Watching the middle-aged lady’s eyes widen and stammer through the check-out procedure, I realized that I had better get away from the store very fast.

      1. The fact that this all happened at a Piggly Wiggly somehow makes that story even funnier. Even though I lived in the South for four years, I never got over the fact that there was a supermarket chain actually called “Piggly Wiggly” that real people actually shopped at. The name still cracks me up.

        1. In Texas, we had Tom Thumb supermarkets.

          Where I live now, the most common grocery store is “HEB.” Why the initials? Well, HEB is a family business owned by the Butt family (the founder was Mr. H.E. Butt), and “HEB” sounds better than “Butt Store.”

        2. how about if they had a generic store brand with Butt as the name?? Go ahead, name a few things to yourself. Have fun with it.

        3. @JoeR. Let’s see…how about we purchase some of H.E. Butts Peaches or H.E. Butt dinner rolls…Butts deli bologna..This is fun!! ๐Ÿ™‚

        4. My family calls Piggly Wiggly, “The Hoggly Woggly”. Makes it even funnier, doesn’t it?

        5. We have Piggly Wiggly’s up north too. We just call it the pig. It’s also a shorthanded way to see if someone lives in the boondocks of north woods.

      2. Poor lady is still probably thinking something along the lines of “Rope and condoms, kinky. And I get the vodka. But what in the world is the charcoal starter for?!?” ๐Ÿ˜†

    2. Decades ago when I cashiered at Woolworth’s I had a customer come in and buy four jars of Dippity Do. That was one of the strangest transactions I ever conducted as a cashier. Now I wonder if it was part of some weird ritual in Fundystan. Since it was the ’80s, maybe it was part of the mating ritual to attract a godly man. Some things are probably better left unknown.

  10. I’ve had a couple of really close friends who when they got married part of the gift was a wedding night package. Included is a cock ring. Why? Well because someone did that for us and we were eternally grateful. We wouldn’t have bought one on our own, but the experience was, shall we say, really good.

    1. I’m so glad someone made a post to mention the cock ring. So ridiculously glad.

  11. I’ve learned a few things here today. Can’t wait to get home. Wish I’d discovered this site 40 years ago.

    1. You would have needed a time machine.
      I don’t think young Darrell has even had his 40th birthday yet.

      Also, 40 years ago the World Wide Web … you get the idea.

      1. She would just need a time machine today to jump back 40 years and deliver a printed version of this blog to her 40-years-younger self.

  12. Name the movie this line comes from, “What she could do with a lawnchair, six milk bottles, and a tuning fork . . . “

  13. From the last paragraph:

    “Submit yourself to one another.”

    Think through the ramifications of that one, Darrell? ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ˜€

    1. I am waiting for a preacher with the balls to make that reference when preaching through Ephesians 5. I think I might try.

  14. I leave on vacation, and THIS is what you talk about while I’m gone? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Darrell is sadly so right about the fear and guilt: people don’t even dare ask questions lest they be seen as unspiritual. So glad that a truly biblical view of sex does not match the prim prudery taught by many churches.

    1. LOL! I was actually thinking “where’s PF in all these comments?” No lie! ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. I’ve been reading, but it’s hard type in comments on my husband’s iPhone!

    2. PW, I’ve been waiting and waiting for comments from you and from Camp Meeting Girl! Bless her heart, she probably has no idea what most of this discussion is even about.

  15. I’ve been part of SBC church plants for the past couple of years. In both congregations I was involved with, being in my mid-forties, I have been the “old lady” of the group. Most the others were college students, or at least college aged or slightly older, and about half were single. Neither pastor would shy away from talking about sex, in fact there was a Sunday that was called “porn Sunday” that would talk about how destructive porn was, including taped interviews from the people who were involved (both consumers and producers) and how it affected their lives. This would either kick off or end a month of sermons about sexuality, the good and the bad. My fundy hubby’s response? “Certain things should NOT be talked about in church.” ๐Ÿ™„ He never went to any of this, but at least he allowed our son to go.

  16. How is that picture “potentially” NSFW? I suppose I could work in a sex shop, in which case it would be totally safe for work.

    1. People work in all kinds of different places with all kinds of different usage rules.

      I think the warning I gave was sufficient.

  17. There is but one worthy sexual ethic, and it should go beyond all religions: All sex should be mutual and consensual. Of course, mutuality and consent means that you canโ€™t rape anyone, have sex with anyone that canโ€™t give authentic consent (the very young or very old, those who you have power over like the members of your congregation if you are a pastor or deacon) And consent should be ENTHUSIASTIC not coerced consent. Mutuality means that it has to be good for everyone involved; only considerate lovers need apply. Mutuality and consent: that’s it, that’s all. It is an ethic you will not find in any holy book, the Bible included, but it is the only one that makes you a moral person.

  18. To me, all this really comes down to is that what a man and his wife do in the privicy of their own bedroom is nobody’s busness.

    If I were married and my pastor wanted to know what my wife and I were doing in bed together I would think him to be a pervert.

    1. I think pastors are to preach the Word – the whole Word – which includes teachings against adultery and fornication. But anything beyond clear Scripture to me falls under “the priesthood of the believer” and Christian liberty and thus is up to each individual couple and no one else’s business, not even the pastor’s.

  19. Forget the handcuffs and try some Japanese silk rope and a spreader bar… ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    My wife and I have to lock our bedroom door when we go on vacation and have her in-laws checking on our cat. It could cause their IFB hearts to stop beating…

    1. When HF was in academy, when they got their handcuffs, the instructors said that when they returned from the weekend, to make sure the cuffs were cleaned off and free of any love juice.

      Cops’ belts have all kinds of goodies, but the taser and OC spray… stay away from those… oooooooohhhhhh… :mrgreen: ๐Ÿ˜‰

  20. Oh Lord, if a pastor ever mentions sex I’ll have a hairy fit. Sooooooooooooooo not anybody’s business (when consensual, etc.). And holy crap, have they read the Song of Solomon? It’s actually a bit traumatic in the NLT version – no seriously, when I was about 13 I got this children’s NLT Bible for Christmas, because I had always had KJV, and there was a verse in Song of Solomon which calmly stated “I aroused you under the apple tree”. Dude, that’s a bit . . . wow, I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence that doesn’t double as a euphemism.

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