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In the beginning, God made Adam and Eve. Then God said “Have fun, kids! Make lots of babies!” And so Adam and Eve had lots of boisterous and frequent sex and then their offspring did the same and humanity in general has been following suit every since. Not surprisingly, it’s how pretty much every single one of us got here. Most of the world’s inhabitants have figured this out and consider sex to be a normal part of life that requires no particular embarrassment.
But as we are all aware, fundamentalists are not like most of the other people in the world. While the rest of the world is off loving and being loved and enjoying what life has to offer, many fundamentalists are sitting on their icy mountaintops like frigid Grinches, sneering at the rest of the world and despising their merriment — for nothing that is fun and exciting could possibly be godly or allowed.
So somewhere in the mists of time, fundamentalists passed an unwritten rule that the only time that sex should be spoken of is to decry its sinfulness and to proclaim the message “don’t even think about it!” And preachers across the land took up the call to demonize sex wherever they could find it whether on television, or on billboards, or on the cover of the Ladies Home Journal. And the congregations of fundamentalism grew so ashamed that they would not even speak the word “sex” instead using cumbersome euphamisms or vague hand gestures or gulping down the last syllable so the word sounds like “sect…*gargle*.” And fundamentalists stood ever on guard lest any mention of the act should be allowed to enter a person’s mind via a book or a movie or a shampoo commercial.
But all this repression wrought in them much frustration and in despair and they turned that frustrations outward, expending their frantic energy in pastoral ministries and missionary positions around the world. And upon hearing all their cries of impotent rage, and seeing the their determination to go it alone, the rest of the world marveled at the angry fundies and often remarked among themselves that maybe fundamentalists would all be nicer and happier people if they would just get laid once in a while. But they did not and so they were not.
But it was not so from the beginning. For God created them male and female and it was very, very, very good. For it is written “Woe unto them that call good evil and evil good.” It’s not the world’s fault that you’re unhappy because you’re doing it wrong.