Men’s Pancake Breakfasts

From The Desk of Dr. James E. Hamenstonadt, Senior Pastor

Re: Notes On This Week’s Men’s Prayer and Pancake Breakfast

Gentlemen And Fellow Soldiers Of The Cross:

I would first like to take this opportunity to thank all those who participated in the Men’s Pancake breakfast this past Saturday morning as well as thanking the members of the Goodwell Fire Department for their quick response time at such an early hour. Thankfully, the fellowship hall structure appears only as damaged as it was before the incident and the smoke damage is contained to mostly to the men’s restroom and adjoining tract storage closet.

As you know, the Pancake Breakfast is intended as a time set aside for the men of our church to come together, share a meal which they have cooked themselves, tell stories about guns, and give long prayer requests about those not present. If you’re a man in our church and you can’t get excited about getting up at 5:00 a.m. to come pray with us then you’re missing out on a real blessing — not to mention running the risk of being used as an illustration in my upcoming sermon “The Pancake and the Sluggard (once I find a text to go with the title, that is).”

Our thanks go out to Harvey and his boys James and Zedekiah who showed up at 4:30 AM to set up tables and chairs. It’s great to know that we can count on our Christian school teachers to volunteer for these kinds of things without expecting to be paid for it. Our thanks also to all those who provided the electric grills and the dozen boxes of Bisquick which were a teeny bit past their expiration but (as far as we know) didn’t make anybody ill. They certainly did make some hearty pancakes of a thickness that I’ve never seen before and with a taste that defies mere words.

My thanks to Bill Scandish who, after not finding a space in the fellowship hall kitchen to make his pancake portion, overloaded the outlet under the men’s room sink. The Lord has graciously seen fit to us this opportunity to reveal to us via the Fire Marshall that the wiring in the building has evidently not been up to code since 1976. I would like to note that we’ll be taking special offerings for the next few months towards renovations on the fellowship hall and occupational therapy for Bill who is reportedly counting it all joy that he has been chosen to suffer third-degree burns for Christ.

I would like close this note by announcing that in July the scheduled Men’s Pancake Breakfast will be held at iHOP. Come prepared to pray loudly.

Labouring In The Fields Of White Harvest,

Pastor Hamenstonadt

123 thoughts on “Men’s Pancake Breakfasts”

    1. I would like to thank all the little people that made this special moment happen. You know who you are. πŸ˜†

      1. like the oompa loompas, Keebler elves, munchkins, smurfs, and Tattoo from Fantasy Island

  1. I’ve always wanted to go to a pancake breakfast. Just never been able to work it out.

  2. So many funny details in this post. Re. the expired pancake mix – I have been given a box of food for my family which, upon closer examination, did contain expired items. Not sure what people are thinking: “Hmmmm. This food is expired, but I don’t want to throw it out. I know; I’ll give it to the pastor’s family!”

    1. That’s an easy assumption to make, but I think most people I was around growing up just don’t think anything about an expiration date for food for themselves, and definitely don’t think about it when giving food. If my dad gave someone some expired food and found out they hadn’t eaten it while praising how wonderful it was he would give them this food for totally free, he’d go on a 2 day long tirade about how ungrateful they were to not be thanking their lucky stars he gave them that “perfectly fine food”. People that don’t care about expiration dates, just assume no one else does either, and many consider it a personal insult to themselves that anyone would care about an expiration date.

      1. I have been known to use some things myself that are a month past (depending on what it is), but the stuff these people gave me was from 2009! I got so nervous about all the expired food, that when I couldn’t find a date on the bag, I actually called the number on the rice to see if it was OK. The guy who answered had me read a number off the bag and said the rice was still fine, so I did use it.

        I actually don’t think I would’ve noticed, but I’d been feeding my little one donated graham crackers, then ate one myself and had to spit it out, it was so disgusting. That’s when I checked the date. Yuck!!!

        1. Dates are nice to have, but they have only been placed on everything in the last ten years. Many are totally arbitrary ways to get Americans trained to waste perfectly good food.

          One year for a canned vegetable? a total lie.
          Graham Crackers? believe it, as you already knew.

        2. Pancake mix is actually something that you have to be careful with on the expiration date. The mix can start to mold and if you have a mold allergy it can cause a fatal allergic reaction. This is why I always keep mine in the fridge.

      2. Yeah, I have noticed food bank food tends to be old with expired dates. Canned pineapple from 2001? Canned carrots from 2004? Thanks, but I’ll just pass on that!

    2. I work in a church. Every time we get a food donation, we check for dates. We throw away anything that is out-of-date. Giving it away, opens the church up to all kinds of liabilities.

  3. Actually, one of the main things that used to bother me about men’s prayer breakfasts in churches I have been in was the women were expected to be up super early to cook for them. On the odd occasion there was a women’s meal, the church bought the food but the women had to cook that also. Because we know that the only thing women are good for in the church is cooking and gossip.

    Our last pastor even said that. He said it was great the women cooked for the men’s breakfasts and ran the nursery in our church so that they stayed within their God-given roles of service. Then he would also publicly mock women saying that they gossip so much etc.

    1. “Because we know that the only thing women are good for in the church is cooking and gossip.”…

      or for being the pastor’s mistress.

      1. I’ve never had the pleasure of mens breakfast. the men at my Baptist church meet at the local pub once a month. Of course it’s not a ‘church’ event. Just happens that all the men from the church go there and talk about Jesus.

      2. No. no no…you have it ALL wrong! The only thing women are good for is making babies and casseroles (or pancakes…) πŸ˜†

    2. At least my old church just called it a Pancake Breakfast and expected the women to fully participate. The man in charge owned his own restaurant.

      The only difference we noticed was that the women would give long prayer requests about people present. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: πŸ˜‰

    3. At least one fundy church I was part of was the opposite, the men did most if not all of the cooking, even for ladies’ events, certainly for anything where the whole church was present.

      Of course, the whole “women are only good for cooking and the nursery” wasn’t part of the philosophy of that church either, some very strong women leaders there, and guys who were more than willing to do “women’s work” Personally I would never have attended a church where that view of women was tolerated. Not even all fundy churches carry that particular baggage.

      My current men’s group meets at a restaurant for this type of thing, and there is no way they would expect or even ask the women to do that for them.

      1. They wouldn’t expect the women to go to a restaurant with them? πŸ˜‰

  4. “The Lord has graciously seen fit to us this opportunity to reveal to us via the Fire Marshall that the wiring in the building has evidently not been up to code since 1976.”

    The pancake breakfast stuff is funny, but this hits too close to home. Why do churches skimp out on their buildings? Our church was built under ‘Operation: Save-A-Buck’ and it shows. Namely in costly repairs. “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” seems to only apply to pet projects.

    1. “Our church was built under β€˜Operation: Save-A-Buck’ and it shows.”
      That’s very true. Some of the greatest archetecture in the world has been men trying to build a building to honor God. From Solomon to the beautiful cathedrals of Europe. Granted God is not in a building but the building should at least be safe to sit in.

  5. Do we splurge and get the Aunt Jemimah? Or do we get the econo-size of Great Value from Walmart?

    1. Definitely the latter. And we’ll wash it down with some Bubba-Cola from the local Save-A-Lot.

      1. Cola? For Breakfast? Eww.

        Actually most fundys I know would rather skip the expensive soda and go straight for the Wal-Mart or Aldi brand of Tang or Kool-Aid. (Not the Jim Jones kind)

        1. When I was in college (non-fundy, but still Christian), I sometimes had tater tots and cola for breakfast. Not all the time, just sometimes lol

        2. It’s the principle of the matter, Darren. Where else could I slip in a reference to my “favorite” (in name, not taste!) local budget soda? πŸ˜†

        3. I order diet coke just about evertime I’m eating breakfast at a restaurant (buffet being the exception). Free refills is far too motivating…

    2. I like Great Value Syrup! πŸ™‚
      But there is ZERO chance for Aunt Jemima. She doesn’t fit the ethnic makeup required for a fundy church.

      1. If you bring your own Aunt Jemimah, you first must cover her in a shapless sack cloth. She is much too curvy for the fundies!

        1. Aw, Jonny, you’re still around. I was beginning to think you’d left us for the greener pastures over at the FFF. Admittedly, the posts around here haven’t been as controversial of late, which might be a bit discouraging for a man of your talents (although there was a showing of John Calvin vs the World on one of yesterday’s posts; I’m sure it would benefit from your insight).
          Anyway, I’m glad you’re still lurking around waiting to pounce on the odd unsuspecting satirical quip. The comment section just wasn’t the same without ya. :mrgreen:

        2. @ Jonathan….If you’re referring to my comment 1) you have no idea who I am and not that I need to defend myself to you let alone on this site, but I was the ONLY non-white member in the fundy church we used to attend for years 2) my husband who is white has had to put up with the disbelief of Christ honorin’ Bible-believing Christians that I was actually his wife 3)my white parents are praised for adopting me so by giving me the ‘opportunities only afforded’ to those who aren’t white and 4) I have spent the past 5 years of this miserable existence in the IFB world being shunned or only ‘fit’ to help in the in the kitchen or nursery. At the end of church services, I have been told countless times to ‘make sure I didn’t miss the bus’ before they met my husband, or had to put up with conversations about ‘the blacks’ with the always ever so thoughtful ‘no offense to you’ phrase thrown in by them for good measure. So, don’t throw the word ‘bigoted’ at me. The comment was a statement of FACT on EVERYTHING I’ve ever experienced in this cult society I’ve been in, but it was also made as sad but humorous truth.

        3. It’s about Brandon’s comment on the lilly whiteness of fundy churches. Still is a dumb dumb comment, but it’s not about you.

  6. Husband did a lot of those because he was the director of a Scout Camp. Stuff happens and sometimes he had to cook for several hundred people. Men’s breakfast at church? Piece of cake.

    I’ve heard of missionaries being given old tea bags. πŸ™„

    1. OMG! My husband told me his grandmother used to do this. That and slivers of soap. Unbelievable.

      1. And old pantyhose with one leg cut off (because the good one is still good and they could pair them up with another single)

        1. I am horrified to say that when I was knee deep in the Fundy world I wrote a book on saving money for CW.(I still get the 50 cents per book residual, a whopping $17 every 6 The pantyhose trick was one of my savings ideas along with sticking old coffee grounds on your hair to blend out your grey.
          Forgive me, oh please forgive me. 😳

        2. totally grew up with the hose trick. Esp. at BJ where we had to wear them all the time. Would never give a used, cut pair away . . . for one thing, where would you get the other leg to match?

        3. @beth re-brewing used coffee grounds to get 2 (or more) pots of coffee for $ savings.

    2. Once, while on deputation, I received a slightly used stick of deodorant.

      As a missionary one question I had was, do we as a group smell bad? Everywhere I went we got soap, deodorant and toothpaste by the crateload. I was thankful but there was a limit on how much of that I could use. I ended up donating a lot of it to a homeless shelter.

        1. It’s pretty chintzy, but at least it’s usable. (You can just cut off the already-used part of the deodorant stick.)

      1. Maybe they thought that soap, deodorant, and toothpaste were unavailable wherever your mission was.

    3. My mom used to save egg cartons “for the missionaries” but I can’t remember what she ever thought they needed them for. She had a HUGE stack of them in the garage the whole time I was growing up. I guess she never found the appropriate missionaries to donate them to.

  7. This is an EXTREMELY un-fundie letter. WAY too much gratitude in it. I don’t recall it ever being noticed or mentioned all the times my husband went in at 4 or whenever to set up for an event. It was just expected. I don’t remember EVER being thanked for cooking for such events (in the fundie church. in the church I am in now there is much more thankfulness displayed.) In the fundie church you are just expected to do all that and if you aren’t thanked, so what. You weren’t doing it for the praise anyway were you? Cause that will make you lose your reward you know.

    1. WAY too much gratitude in it.

      If you read it closely you’ll see that there really isn’t. There’s a lot of manipulation but not a whole lot of genuine thanks.

      1. Yeah, I see that now (by re-reading) but it was still quite a lot of acknowledgement to those who made it all happen, which, in my experience always just seemed to be taken for granted. It is just assumed that everyone WANTS to come together and give of their time and gifts so the “body can be edified” but when the same people are giving and giving and giving day after day after day then even a manipulative nod would have been nice. But you are right. That really wasn’t gratitude. But as close as they could come I am sure.

    2. Yeah I heard, It was a blessing if you weren’t too lazy or uninterested in really spiritual things to be here. By the way Jesus met with us through Third-degree burns and he’ll give you the opportunity to make up for being a no-show by giving $ to repair the damage, I mean divine revelations!! πŸ˜‰

  8. πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†
    Oh, oh, oh, this was TOO funny. I started laughing out loud in the middle of it, interrupting my enjoyment of my (non-expired) Bisquick pancake. Cooked by my 25 year-old son.

    Then I read the letter to the family. It was enjoyed by all. πŸ™‚

    Thank you Darrell.

  9. At our old fundie church, the Pastor would schedule a Breakfast, then pull a “While you all are here, let’s do some repair/yard/upkeep work on the Lord’s House.” If you want to schedule a work day, just say it’s a work day.

    1. I’ve been to those, too. Sundays are for second sermons and rabbit trails. Saturdays are for snookering people into using up their one day off on stuff you are too cheap to pay to have done.

      1. And woe be to anyone who backs out of doing the work and claims that they actually have their own work to do. Somebody once made the mistake of saying that wouldn’t participate in something on a Saturday becasue after working all week, and knowing that Sunday would be tied up in church all day, he viewed Saturday as “my Saturday”. Oh man that got a lot of mileage from the pulpit.

        The pastor turning all red and yelling “what does my Saturday even mean!!”
        Well jacka**, if you worked for a living, you would understand.

        1. I always thought it was bad enough that Sundays were almost completely from dawn to dusk filled with church activities. I couldn’t imagine pressuring people to give up their Saturdays too.

        2. (everyone knows I distinguish between the M-O-g and a real pastor…so having said that)
          Well jacka**, if you worked for a living, you would understand.
          Is one of the most profound, and spot on statements I have ever read here on SFL.
 πŸ˜€ πŸ˜‰

        3. Why do they have to have them so early? We have a monthly breakfast at 7:30 and I have not went yet. I get up anywhere from 4:00 to 5:30 during the week and would like to sleep until 8 or so. I guess that makes me a backslider.

        4. “I couldn’t imagine pressuring people to give up their Saturdays too.”

          That’s what HAC was like. I’d go to class/chapel 8-1 M-F. After class I’d eat lunch, get a sack lunch, and be on the bus to Americall where I worked either 2-10 or 3-10. I’d go home tired, sometimes to realize there were bs ‘devotions’. Saturdays was bus route until around 6 pm, Sundays were completely filled up.

          I used to treasure that little time I’d get Saturday evening.

        5. I didn’t really need to. The classes weren’t hard and I generally got good grades.

  10. At my former church the pastor refused to call it a pancake breakfast because he said that was not what God’s men should focus on. He adamantly called it the men’s prayer meeting, where only 3 men (5 at the most-no kidding) would show up at 8AM on a Saturday, and then….they needed to stay for breakfast which would lead to the mandatory soul-winning for staff (code for the ‘unpaid’) the next 4 hours…you know trying to kill 3 birds with one stone so he can stay in his office or go to home depot…..Okay see there it goes again – I better stop. I’m starting to convulse ‘puke-icon’

    1. Our former IFB church called it the Faithful Men’s Prayer Breakfast. Guess you weren’t faithful if you didn’t show every month.

      1. At my former fundy church, the Pasor’s daughter-in-law let us know that we weren’t real faithful to the church because we didn’t attend every Wednesday night. Also the Pastor “hid” communion on Sunday nights, because that’s when the faithful Christians came out. My Mom and Dad just left the same church after over 10 years of attending because of the pastor not letting non-members share in communion, Mom and Dad having never “officially” joined, and my Mom informed me that the ol fundy pastor is doing something new since I left, he is making the non-christians and non-members set together during the communion service “to make sure” that they don’t participate!

        1. Ummmm, and how does he determine who is a non-Christian? Oh I forgot, he has the hotline to heaven.

        2. @greg: Yeah, I heard that baloney about only the faithful get to have communion. One pastor only served “The Lord’s Supper” at midnight on New Years Eve, and “Resurrection Day” evening to be sure that only the truly faithful got communion. Evidently, it is his job to weed out those who are not worthy to take communion.

          I love my Anglican church. We have the Eucharist every time we gather together, even in the middle of the week.

      1. Have I mentioned that the reason I got baptized was that when it came time for our annual communion service, I was paranoid that people might think I wasn’t saved (even though I was) because I couldn’t take communion.

        (I wasn’t pressured to get baptized earlier because my parents really didn’t think I was old enough to be saved and they were hoping I’d forget about it and really get saved in another year or two.)

  11. You know this stinks…now I’m hungry for IHOP! “Curse you aqua scum!!!” 😈

  12. I knew one pastor who only scheduled one Men’s Prayer Breakfast every year. It was always scheduled for the first Saturday morning of deer season. In the rural south that is a big deal.

      1. “Timbo, we’ll treat you right…we’ll take you to The Barrel!”

        1. And make sure when you go to “The Barrel” to tip your server no more than $2 on a 10-top. My friend used to work at one in SC. She got paid a royal $2.13/hr and “tips.” Sundays were the worst because the church people were generally mean, and if they tipped, it was never over $2 (even for a 6-top).

  13. This is Hilarious! Love it! At my church, we had bus worker’s breakfast every Saturday morning before the bus meeting. Nothing really eventful happened there. As I don’t like breakfast, I usually didn’t show up until after bus meeting was already over.

  14. “(as far as we know) didn’t make anybody ill.” oh, the horrible memory of food poisoning from a mother-daughter banquet at Fundier-than-Thou church . . . at least 40 people were sick and not one word ever of acknowledgement or apology . . . I mean, I get it that the woman in charge was “really clean” and “would never let that happen” but c’mon. It happened. When I called the princple (he as not my pal so I spell it that way) to say I was sick and couldn’t teach on Monday he said he knew. agh!!! I’m gonna need a valium now. Thanks, Darrell.

  15. Our assistant rector has a mens’ Bible study every Friday morning at 6 a.m. at IHOP, and it’s packed out.

      1. @ Susan…not dissing but making a joke…yeah-I need to go to sleep πŸ˜•

  16. This was too, too funny. I’ve been in churches where the women did the cooking, and then left when the men showed up to eat, and then went back to clean up. Sheesh.

    1. Am I the only former fundy-lady who was tempted in putting Ex-lax in the men’s food?



      1. If I had thought of it, I would have been too timid to do it. Maybe I’ll put it in a book some day. LOL

      2. Did you really do it, Natalie?

        (Not that some anti-constipation medicine wouldn’t do a lot of Fundies good.)

  17. And don’t forget the BS statement made that they have to make pancakes because that’s all men know how to make… yuck, yuck. Thus, we need wives to cook and serve us… chuck, chuck.

  18. Some of the guys from my church meet for breakfast once a month. We eat breakfast, then we have a Bible study. But we talk about motorcycles and microbrews, and we hold it at a pizza joint that also happens to be a major stop on the Erin Express come St. Patty’s day. (Lots of college students with red plastic cups, if you catch my drift.) And there’s usually something obnoxious on the radio – last month it was “We R Who We R”. So yeah, not your grandfather’s pancake breakfast. πŸ˜‰

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