306 thoughts on “Ladies’ Conferences”

  1. “Somewhere in Outer Space”?
    I thought that was just a title, but they don’t give any other location.
    They should at least give some coordinates so you know what direction to aim your spaceship.

    Oh, and when you put on your space suit, “Please dress modestly according to the Bible.” Presumably, someone will be at the door to screen out anyone with blended-fiber garments.

        1. Yep I noticed that too. Marvin Rennison(weirdo to the nth degree) and John Doss were asst pastors at my home church when I was attending HAC. The fundy world is so tiny.

        2. didn’t think of that… but boy, did george get a mental picture while reading amilyn’s “asst pastors” comment! 😯

        3. Come to think of it, that IS the sound my Shih Tzu makes when she gets a hairball.

          Don, who is George? I’m so confused.

        4. george is the one who writes my posts…. (that is when I have misspellings, or gramatical errors.) In his Wordsmith disguise he has visited just about everyone who posts on here at least once. 😎

          …but he’s also a Dr. that specializes in Rectalcranialectomy. A skill that comes in very handy around Fundy types.

        5. I went to “school” with most of these dudes or they were still hanging around FBC during my tour of duty there…brings back some funny memories. Nice enough guys but unfortunately they have had the complete lobotomy at this point!

        6. RobM hyrt george’s feelings, say george not real. Now george have to get own gravitar to prove he real. 🙁

      1. I noticed that there are four “Doctors” on that page. For all the other average folks, they get the title “Brother” in front of their name. What a way to let you know you stink and you are mediocre.

        1. And since most fundy doctorates are given based upon relationships with college presidents, and not merit, it lets these lesser “brothers” know exactly where they are on the fundy social totem pole.

  2. Oh my this is funny, “Please dress modestly according to the Bible” Well ok, but what does that mean? It is like when your parents say, “I trust you’ll make the right decision.” They didn’t really give you a free choice, but they pretended to by wording it in such a way.

    The “please dress…according to the Bible” is the same thing. “I trust you’ll make the same decision as I would” is what he really means. A few days ago we mentioned fallacies here right? Well this is where I ended up. This is the biggest fallacy of IFB. They conflated their preferences with doctrine. They created dogmas out of personal ideals. When you realize that is the very core you start to understand why it only gets worse from there. Why when you finally get down to music or dress it simply doesn’t make sense at all. 👿 Still bitter.

    1. Whose Bible? Is that the one we can buy from the store, or the one in which the man o’gid has written all his pet peeves and perversions about women he’s observed (of course in the name of “warning the flock”) and carefully guards so no one can possibly meet his “standard”? Is it the one with all the unwritten rules?

    2. I detest the way Fundies pretend that their ideas of standards are as plain as the nose on one’s face to any “spiritual” person.

      I got soooo sick of this at BJU!!!! It really makes me angry.

    3. in their world they believe women who choose to wear pants are rebellious and they “haven’t grown in the Lord” yet–they will eventually come around to the fundy way when they become more Christ like! It is a thing of beauty to hear one of them explain this–I have heard it many times over…

      1. Seriously, with no snark included, are there people that still believe that women wearing pants is bad?

        And that men should have buzz cuts?

        1. Women wearing pants = bad. There’s a lot of people who still believe this, including a church less than half a mile from our church.

    1. I have a 3rd grade daughter. I cannot imagine a conference geared for BOTH her and me. But I guess if we’re all going to be happily singing “The Countdown Song”, the 3rd grade level is appropriate.

        1. love Europe! Isn’t there a line in that song about heading to Venus? Perfect fit for this cosmic blast of fundy gold!

    1. F’real? I can’t tell parody from reality in fundy circles. I thought I had gotten to where I could, but Darrell has reminded me how far I am from that ability.

      1. Hey, most fundies are way to large to be covered by merely God’s righteousness – it also must be supplemented by several yards of fabric skillfully formed into a flowing tent of fat covering goodness

  3. I’m not sure which is worse – this one or their “Smash the Trash” youth conference (which includes a Holy Roller monster truck performance.) I can only imagine what kind of trash they’ll be smashing or the titles written on the side of the junk cars:

    “NIV” – SMASHED!
    “Rock Music” – SMASHED!
    “Immodest dress” – SMASHED!
    “Critical thinking” – SMASHED!

    Never mind. I just noticed their Old Paths Conference. That one takes the cake.

      1. Neither do I. It’s quite pathetic, really; God wants us to be smart/intelligent. If someone isn’t able to do critical thinking, then they open themselves up to being taken advantage of without even realizing it.

        1. I also meant to say that those who aren’t able to think critically open themselves up to all kinds of abuses.

  4. In my area, the ladies would congregate to one of the local IFB churches (the only time fundies ever did anything together) for a conference by Mina Oglesby. Being a guy, I have no idea what they did there, but I’m sure all of the teaching was really sound and Biblical…

    1. That name sounded so familiar, that I went and looked her up. I think I might have heard her sing, or have had an album by her at one point. Just don’t remember. But her name sounded very familiar…

  5. Wow Darell…just..WOW. I went to the website and saw the “Special Thanksgiving Service” where (I thought) the kid was just “bust’n a move” only to read the caption about the Special Needs Ministry….”These are our educable slow Sunday school classes.” Nice, go through the trouble of making them feel normal and part of the group only to tell EVERYONE ELSE they are “educable slow”.

    Also, notice the placing of the American flag and Christian flag on each side of the Cross. Nuth’n says “Crusade” like having your nationalist flag up there with the Cross.

    1. I noticed that comment too–how insulting to call them the “educable slow special needs class.” What about the “non-educable?” They’re also wearing rather strange outfits, so I’m sure that they feel really welcome and included in the congregation.

  6. I fancy myself somewhat of a half hearted sometimes designer, and religion aside, that is the most horrific poster/flyer/whatever I have ever seen. Was it done in MS Paint? I was surprised there website didn’t have alot of “coming soon” pages and wasn’t powered by Geocities. What’s the over/under on Juno email accounts on that staff page?

    1. I fancy myself the same, and my intuition says that they used Photoshop (or a Photoshop-like program) to make those. If someone has Photoshop readily available, go to the site linked above, grab a few of the graphics, load them into PS, and get File Info on them; you should be able to figure out what weapon they used to wreak this massive amount of graphical damage.

    2. That was my first impression, too. Ugly, and really very inappropriate for a “ladies'” conference. You can tell that the men are the ones who think these things up.

  7. Somebody needs to learn about color schemes and design principles. Ai-yi-yi! My poor eyes! 😯 What is it with fundies and poor graphics, color schemes, etc.?

  8. I totally remember that song from Sunday School “Somewhere in outer space, God has prepared a place, for those who trust him and obey” I can’t remember the rest of the words but I remember the tune.

    1. “Jesus will come again, And tho we don’t know when, The countdown’s getting lower every day! 10 and 9, 8 and 7, 6 and 5 and 4- Call upon the Savior while you may. 3 and 2, coming thru the clouds in bright array. The countdown’s getting lower every day.” Then there were the variations. Some churches counted down and said “Blast Off!” at the beginning of the song, my church echoed the last line 2 or 3 times and then said “Blast Off” at the end.

      As an adult, I am discovering the grand hymns of the past and am blessed abundantly by them. Unfortunately I can’t memorize them anymore, at least not without serious effort. I didn’t have the terribly abusive experiences other posters on this site experienced, so if I could only change one thing about my fundy upbringing it would be that my church would have taught me some good music back when I was a kid and I could memorize it with ease instead of the childish tripe I can’t get out of my head when triggered by awful posters like the one above.

        1. Hey now! My wife and I sing those to our 2 year old before we put her to bed. Not every night but at least once a week.

        2. I sing ’em too! My three year old loves them. I guess I’m a little frustrated that we kept singing stuff 2 and 3 year olds like well into our 10 to 12 year old years (at least we did at our church). I wish I could recite at will Isaiah 53 with as much ease as I can sing literally hundreds of choruses and early 20th century gospel songs (I’ve been church pianist/children’s church teacher for years.)

        3. How about “Bright on a Sunday morning,…Bible in their hand, twinkle in their eye, They make the older folks smile and sigh….

  9. Is the theme song for this conference the “Blast Off” song? It starts with the words, “Somewhere in outer space.” SFL: songs we sang for fun in the 70s now part of the standard hymnody of Fundyism.

    1. Didn’t you read the flyer?
      Women are “Mrs.”
      And if a woman isn’t actually a “Mrs.,” there’s no need to embarrass her about it.

      “Sis.”?? What are you, Catholic?
      😉

        1. Actually, if I don’t want a fundy group or fundy church to know my name, I say that I am Mrs. and attach husband’s name to it, like on registry’s or visitor cards and such. .. ha ha.

        2. And, sometimes verbally. Then, they feel awkward around me, and that makes me happy. It’s fun to use their own stuff against them.

        3. I have absolutely no respect for men who would allow their wives to be addressed as Mrs. My Name. I vacillate between disdain & sympathy for the women that are called that (other than protecting your identity ala Natalie. Surrendering your very identity is just outrageous, even if it’s voluntary.

        4. I think it’s a generational thing. My Mom sometimes signs her name as Mrs. and my Father’s name. It was the thing to do in her time, but if you know my Mom, you know she’s very much her own woman. It was kind of the fad to do that when she was younger. When I got married, I just started using it whenever I wanted to be incognito around fundies. I think husband wishes he could hide behind my name… ha ha.

        5. Nah… it’s a generational thing with habit mixed in… ha ha. Maybe when she was first married that was the case, but they’ve been married over 40 years and their relationship is long past thinking of those things. They’re one person now, they’re fused. And if you asked them their “secret”, they’d probably laugh and give you some funny answer. It’s no big deal to them.

        6. BTW, Rob, that wasn’t meant to besmerk your comment. I see what you mean, and agree that husbands who want their wife to use their name is a bit… self-centered.

          My Mom isn’t verbally addressed that way, but she will sign her name like that SOMETIMES, and that’s because she wants to. My Dad doesn’t care how she’s addressed or signs her name, as long as its legal… ha ha.

        7. And, furthermore, Rob, I’m no longer speaking to you. (until a post comes up that I want to respond to) 😛

  10. LOL! Check out the Sunday night services.

    Service Times

    Sunday

    9:45 AM – Sunday School
    10:45 AM – Morning Service
    5:45 PM – King’s Kids
    ➡ ➡ 6:00 PM – Young Fundamentalists
    7:00 PM – Evening Service

    Now, for another chorus of “Die Fahne Hoch…”

    1. My church youth group was called “Young Fundamentalists,” too! And yes, we did the same thing this church does: we had youth group at 6:15, and then we went to the auditorium for the evening service at 7.

    1. SFL: forcing everyone into their little mold. I’m a woman who HATES shopping (I put it in the same category as scrubbing the toilet – an unpleasant, but unfortunately necessary chore) and women’s conferences (not to mention a lot of the other things that I’m expected to like due to my X chromosomes). No wonder I was always a misfit in fundyland. 😕

      1. @ Amanda- I dislike shopping as well. It really bugs me when the IFB’s automatically assume all women love it. Women don’t have a one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter personality; they’re not the Stepford wives.

        1. I, OTOH, love to shop… but for things like tech stuff and multi-tools. Home Depot, Lowe’s, and thinkgeek.com gift cards would be excellent this year. 😉

          Love, love, love my Leatherman, but wouldn’t mind upgrading to a bigger one.

    2. You notice that this shopping trip isn’t to a normal mall or anything. That would be worldly! Instead, they bring in a bunch of vendors with “fine Christian materials” for the women to purchase. Do all your Christmas shopping in FundyMart!

    3. I tried explaining that one to my parents several years ago. I never liked going to those things because all the women acted and talked the same way, and discussed the same things over and over again like they were a bunch of robots. That there was more to this world than their own little universe. Sadly, it went over their heads. I never felt that I came away with anything substantial. Funny thing was, they accused the NIV church down the street of having lack of substance 🙄

      1. I went to a ladies conference hen i was a teen where one of the workshops taught us how to use a wax pencil to grease out unacceptable songs on our musical soundtrack records. That was different!

  11. I’m stil astounded that they have an outer space theme for a women’s conference – at first I thought this was going to be a VBS flyer … the mental picture of a bunch of Fundy women singing the “Somewhere in Outer Space” song together is almost too much for me this early in the morning …

  12. I would like to thank you all so very much because I will have that ‘Somewhere in outer space’ song stuck in my head….and that is the only line I remember!!

    It will drive me batty all day long, so thank you all so very much!!!

  13. (Maybe some of you will remember the tune to “The Blast Off Song”)

    Somewhere in outer space, there is a crazy place
    Where all the women wear a dress
    They must dress modestly, or called a slut they’ll be
    The standard’s getting stricter every day.

    Ten and nine, eight and seven, six and five and four,
    Don’t agree and you’ll be called a whore.
    Three and two inches off the floor when kneeling down,
    You best watch out, the guys can’t handle more.
    :mrgreen:

    1. “We have the finest group of young ladies as our cheerleaders. They are taught to serve and be spirit builders. Our ladies are taught the precision and crispness of cheerleading as well as teamwork. This is the highest position a lady can hold in our school. Cheerleaders are carefully screened and monitored to maintain their fine example.”

      Glad to see that the high school stereotypes are preserved, even in fundyland.

      1. “Not everyone can be a cheerleader, but all of our ladies can be involved in Pep Club.”

        ….for those of you not pretty enough. Oh, you’re smart? Straight As? Planning on going to college and having a career? Girl, you’d better get right with gid, heathen child!

    2. I’m surprised Owens even has cheerleaders. He wants to separate himself from Schaap and FBC by going back to the “old paths” and being more conservative but Schaap put a Kabosh on all cheerleading at HB because he didn’t want any girls jiggling their stuff in front of grown men…
      I can see how those Outfits can cause a man to stumble… 😯

      1. @ beloved I am shocked too. I know a girl who graduated from Owens’ school last year she was a cheerleader and told me she was so honored. Seriously GAG! It seems the big name fundy preachers compete to see who can be more holy er I mean legalistic.

      2. “because he didn’t want any girls jiggling their stuff in front of grown men…”

        “jiggling their stuff” …that is AWESOME! I’ll carry that delightful image with me ALL DAY! 😈

    3. You’re surprised? I wore stuff like that in my cheerleading days (don’t worry, I have long since repented!). Now the culottes that were made to look like cheerleading skirts… OY! Stupid things weighed a ton.

    4. most people will probably not make note of the guys playing basketball and soccer indoors in athletic pants…i would bet money that, for modesty’s sake, they aren’t allowed to wear shorts. 😯

        1. I doubt there is one, Greg. No mixed “bathing”, remember? Don’t want the youngsters seeing each other in tight fitting swimsuits. Might cause someone to lust.

          But if they did have a swim team, they women would likely wear these or, if they’re lucky, one of these.

        2. Tiquatoo – I had seen the dive-suit looking ones before, (actually not bad) but man oh man, those others are hilarious! I’ll bet they would knock some seconds off your times!

    5. Those cheerleading uniforms look like walking hazards. That is absolutely churning my stomach – “highest position for a lady”? What does that even mean? It’s not even a useful life skill . . . and the way fundies do it, it’s not even athletic. (btw, I cheered at BJU and “coached” cheering at the fundy schools I taught at).

    6. HAHAHAHAHAHA….wait, wait… HAHAHAHAHA… no, wait… HAHAHAHAHAHA

      *deep breaths*

      Okay, what the $#$%^&%# is up with those uniforms? The tops look like the cheerleading outfits at my mom’s high school back in 1959.

      Speaking as someone who was a tumbler on her cheerleading squad in high school and college, I would break my friggin neck trying to tumble in that. Not that they actually DID any tumbling, but there’s more fabric on them than on my living room windows.

      1. @Smith – Been there, done that. The key is gathering it all up in a ball at the stomach and making sure its tight in the back. And, man, I wish I didn’t know that.

  14. Oh Darrell…I just got their brochures in the mail two days ago. I keep wanting to call them and tell them to fire their 3rd grade art director. I have never in my life seen such bad “graphic art” in all of my life.
    Oh so much to say…all those years under his ministry, helping transcribe his books…sigh..

  15. I had friends who went to that church’s school.

    I do remember one of the adults in the school asked a girl who was my age at the time if she was ‘pure’. What business that was of his I have no idea.

    And womens conferences? Avoided them like the plague. I did not fit in…everyone who attended seemed to have popped out of the same cookie cutter.

    1. And womens conferences? Avoided them like the plague. I did not fit in…everyone who attended seemed to have popped out of the same cookie cutter.

      Exactly. I still refuse to go to women’s conferences, women’s Bible studies, etc. Yuck yuck yuck. Like lmcc said, they’re all fluff and no substance.

    2. “I do remember one of the adults in the school asked a girl who was my age at the time if she was ‘pure’. What business that was of his I have no idea.”

      Shudder! 🙁

      If a strange man dared ask my daughter such a question….I would think as he were a pedophile, and act accordingly! 😈

        1. A religious experience, eh? For you, or for the other guy when he has to meet his Maker and explain why he asked such a rude question? Both, right? 😉

  16. On Sunday:
    ” Well, bless God, amen, He works in mysterious ways. Brother Joe tells us that there has been an INCREDIBLE interest in our website over the past few days. People are being blessed and we can expect a big rise in membership and more funds for God’s storehouse…”
    {{followed by bursts of amenorrhea}}

    1. Guys, can you hyphenate that or something? First time I saw it I was wondering: what does this topic have to do with lack of menstruation? (‘Cause, yeah, it’s a real word with a medical definition.) 😯

      1. Yes, the medical definition is what comes to mind. I was perplexed until I saw Tiquatoo’s comment>
        Did you mean it to have something to do with saying “Amen”?

        1. I would think they would follow with bursts of dismenorrhea (SEVERE menstrual cramps and pain), after a weekend of taking on Eve’s guilt!

  17. “Free Lunch” to paid delegates… I like the navel-length tie comment. That’s how it should be because Jack Baskin at PCBBC told us men that our pants should come up to our navels.

    1. Man, my husband and I just aren’t making the right career moves. We’ve never won a trip to the Bahamas or led a tour to Israel. My hubby doesn’t even have an honorary doctorate. What’s wrong with us? 😎

  18. What’s really sad is that there are early Bob Jones College pics of women playing sports in pants. PANTS. It wasn’t always this bad. It just quit being about fundamentals and started being about superficials.

    1. One of the reasons I picked BJU over PCC was that BJU let women wear sweatpants in gym class while PCC had women in all white t-shirts and culottes. It wasn’t my only reason, but it was on the list. We also got to wear jeans to ride horses on the BJU farm (although we did get yelled at by the asst. DoW when we were walking behind the girls’ dorms after checking back in at Nell Sunday). I hated it when you tried to do your best to follow the rules, and STILL got scolded like you were a naughty preschooler.

  19. Will my doctorate hold as much weight as Dr. Owens’ when I print mine out? Am I being too gushing in trying to fit in? I know it is obvious but I can’t contain my rapture at finding this site!

    1. Mis click on my part, meant to reply here. Pure awesome to have your claim to fame be that you are under investigation for human rights violations, and somehow still in “ministry”. I can just imagine the aspersions being cast against anyone who would dare to acknowledge something may be amiss.

  20. I also like how they’ve got “Drs” is in charge of the bus ministry, while the “Bros” are the school principals!

    (I put “Dr” in quotes because, these are most likely honorary degrees – or degrees in bus ministries.)

  21. There isn’t much a fundy can say that will make me angry. I have accepted the way they are and am trying to move on. But this, this makes me angry. This man and his wife will be telling people how to raise children when their kids now adults are so messed up.
    I remember him saying he would be disappointed if his boys didn’t get suspended from school. He was raising wimps and real men get in trouble. His daughter on the other hand walked the line. It all made me sick to think that just because they are boys they were allowed to terrorize those around them including underage girls.
    I just do not understand how people can follow or respect him as a pastor. The dress, music and other things do not bother me half as much as his personal integrity and character.

    1. I too don’t understand why people follow abusive pastors. Pastors are to be gentle, above reproach, peacemakers, easy to be entreated. Matthew 7:16 says, “By their fruit you shall know them.” (Then again, my fundy father-in-law actually quoted that verse to us to discredit us because our church doesn’t have a lot of people in it. I guess people are fruit to him.)

      1. …because the programming ofthe cult is very strong. Your are taught from the nursery on up to reverence the M-O-g and you do not come against God’s anointed. (I have yet to meet a king of Israel but that’s beside the point) “Coming against,” includes questioning anything he preaches or does.

        This also falls into the respect for those in authority over you category. To disrespect the M-O-g is to disrespect god himself according to the “LOGIC” of the Fundie Chain of Command: Children>> girls>> women>> boys>> Men>> god>> The Self-anointed,Self-appointed Pulpiteer. (sometimes it is the S.a.S.a.P>> god …but not very often)

        1. I grew up fundy went to two very abusive church went to HAC but I saw this man coming a mile away even at college. I guess people just give their brains away. I was and am way too independent to allow someone else to think for me. I guess I am just frustrated with this whole thing. I am trying to pull away from the fundy stuff and feel like I am finally seeing clearly. It is hard for me to understand how people can’t see it. I have seen it for 15 years but I was either too young or afraid to upset people to do anything about it.

        2. The Cult mentality is built up over time and the deconstruction of all triggers and effects of the Fundie movement also takes time.

  22. too… many… fonts… what… IS… GOING… ON!!!!

    I think they have some star wars and star trek fonts clashing up there. It’s like someone opened photoshop, threw it all together with as many fonts as possible, highlighted all layers and applied a stroke and glow to everything. Ugh.

    Is it for children with the space theme (poor kids)? Or is it just completely uninformed about what appeals to real adults (although most fundies are off the planet).

      1. That means we are the rebels which makes Darrell our Luke Skywalker.
        pastor’s wife is Princess Leia
        Jack Schaap would be Darth Vader
        Reader Mo as Obi Wan Kenobi
        Amanda can be Hans Solo (just to tick off the fundies)
        Don can be Chewy
        I say RobM can be R2D2
        Dan Keller, you are C3PO
        I’ll be Jabba the Hutt (no one can say this is rigged 😆 )
        And lastly…our friend John as Jar Jar Binks

        May the force be with you
        (No offense to anyone I did not include)

        1. @Scorpio: ROFLOL! Comment win! I get to be Han Solo (even if he was kind of an a-hole at first – you’re not saying anything about me, are you?) and piss off the fundies? 😈 Sweet! I like your last “casting choice,” too. 😉

        2. Amanda – Not saying anything at all about you. It was all good. 😎

          And tell Chewy he can drive the Millenium Falcon so he quiets down!

        3. Oh my, I would have thought you’d make my little man the snake monster in the garbage compactor, but Jar Jar was the most popular character in the entire series. I couldn’t wait to see what he’d say next! His comments were so insightful and funny! Hoo hoo haa!! I guess that’s why you made him Jar Jar.

        4. That’s it. I didn’t get included, so I’m leaving and starting my own church down the road.

          (I’m really not offended, I just couldn’t help it)

        5. Hey, can I be Lando Calrissian? (Really tick off the fundies there; a gal as a guy and black dude to boot!)

        6. Tiquatoo – yes you can be Lando (fundies head explodes in 3,2,1…..)
          Natalie, not wanting to go through a church split, you are Padme Amidala (of course played by another Natalie 🙂 )

        7. HA! You nailed it..Jack Schapp as Darth Vader… I can just hear him behind that mask…

          …breath…
          …breath…

          “I find your lack of faith (in me) disturbing.”

        8. @Amanda – too late, I’m already here…

          Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side

    1. I don’t get it when people sell sermons. I understand covering the cost of postage and cd, so a few dollars would be fine, but this is $25 for one cd full of mp3s.

      However, IFB’s aren’t the worst at this – Joseph Prince, who I have mentioned as one of my favourite preachers on grace – is a total ripoff merchant – he sells 20 minute excerpts from his sermons on dvds for $20 – I guess that’s the problem with his word of faith leanings.

  23. Note this special line in their description of the Sunday school ministry:

    Sunday school is a big deal at the Shenandoah Bible Baptist Church. Around here, we don’t believe that church starts at 10:45 a.m. We believe that church starts at 9:45 a.m. every Sunday. Preacher has taught us that Sunday school is big because it involves the teaching of the Word of God, and the teaching that takes place on this property during the Sunday school hour is evidence of that.

    Well, if the Mog says it, it’s “good enough” for me!

  24. I totally got one of these in the mail today! The awesome thing is that I’m not female.

    Just because this post is so indicative of the problem (and it also happens to be my livelihood), I really think we should do one big tribute of a post to fundy graphic design.

    What a timely post. Classic.

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