The Long Prayer At Meal Time

The morning session of the Yearly Bible Conference is finally drawing to a close after four straight hours of preaching. The starving masses in the pew who foolishly skipped breakfast to be able to sleep in until six o’clock  have long consumed their strategic reserve of cough drops and breath mints  and are now gnawing on their leather Bible covers driven mad by the savory odors  of casseroles and pie that are drifting out of the basement where lunch is being set up.

And then the pastor will say these fateful words “Bro. Jackson, will you please bless the food before we are dismissed?”

A silent scream of anguish rises from the assembly for they know that lunch time has just been delayed indefinitely.  Bro Jackson is a champion prayer warrior who never allows something so petty as the hunger of others to interfere with his divine mission of intercession. He approaches the podium. He clears his throat decisively. He begins to pray.

He prays for speaker who has just spoken that God will apply each point of his sermon to the hearts of those present. In case God has forgotten  exactly what the points were he repeats them and most of the relevant supporting material.

He prays for each one of those  not present  because of sickness by name and includes a description of their ailment, their prognosis, and their current medications.

He prays for the twenty-seven missionaries supported by the church, their countries, their children, their pets, and their latest financial needs as listed in the most recent prayer letters.

He prays for our own country, the members of Congress, the President, and the upcoming elections who he hopes will replace most of them.

He prays for for a man to whom he handed a gospel tract in 1978 and invited to church but never saw him again even though the man promised to visit the very next Sunday.

But somehow in all of this…he forgets to actually pray for the food.

By the time he concludes, lunch is cold,  people are passing out from low blood sugar, and there is only fifteen minute remaining until the start of the next service…

Every church has at least one of these men. Mark him and avoid.

A Comment on Comments

I’ve been working tonight to change the style of our comments here to a more threaded style so it’s easier to follow exactly who’s responding to whom.

To reply to a specific person’s comment, just click the reply button to the right and your reply will then show up underneath the comment to which you are responding.

Clear as mud?

Doubting The Salvation Of Others

Fundamentalists believe in the doctrine of Eternal Security otherwise known as the “Once Saved, Always Saved” approach to soteriology. However, this assurance robs fundamentalists of a vital tool used by other sects for keeping people in line; namely, the ability to threaten damnation for the malefactor’s eternal soul.

Not at all deterred by this, the fundamentalist simply modifies the approach slightly and instead suggests that if a person is currently in indulging in unspeakable wickedness, worldliness, and other types of wayward wandering that it’s likely they were never actually saved to start with. One way or another, if you sin you’re gonna burn.

Here’s the process.

1. The Question
“Would any true Christian be interested in reading that book?”

“Could a person who truly has the Holy Spirit happily go to that place?”

“If a person is truly born again could they really love that worldly thing?”

2. The Feigned Concern
“I’m concerned about your walk with the Lord.”

“I’m just don’t see the kind of growth that a true believer would have.”

“I think you may be self-deceived. Did you really mean it when you prayed?”

3. The Benediction
“Has there ever been a time in your life…”

“I’m going to see about getting you some spiritual counseling.”

“I will pray for you.”

Your eternal destiny is heavy price to pay for wanting to read the latest fantasy novel or listen to the radio.

By the way, if you’re going to stay in fundyland, my advice is to learn how to cry on command when confronted with these individuals. Show remorse and let them move on to the next victim. The penitent man shall pass.