Friday Challenge: Doctrinal Jingles

Fundamentalists love using a cute turn of phrase to “prove” a doctrinal point even when they are far from Biblical.  These rhetorical flourishes are a tried and true method of simply stopping thought dead in its tracks whenever a disagreement occurs.

For example:  “‘All’ means all and that’s all ‘All’ means.” Patently false…yet somehow strangely compelling.

What’s your favorite fundy doctrinal jingle?

117 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Doctrinal Jingles”

  1. a liberalizing use of a jingle:

    “God invented the family before he invented the church.”

    This was said when excusing someone from a Wed/Sun evening church meeting to go to a non-church family event instead.

  2. Kind of off topic but I hate the little jingle on church signs:

    CH_ _ CH–what’s missing? UR!

    As a matter of fact I loathe the majority of “cuteisms” that I see on church signs but that could be a whole other post.

  3. “Who will stand in the gap?” (during a sermon on Nehemiah, during missions month)

    “Man has a God-shaped hole in his heart.”

    “Learn to pray the ACTS way- Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication.”

    “Spirit of Bathsheba/Jezebel” in a sermon about feminists.

    1. How did being raped by the king of Israel make Bathsheba a feminist? Maybe because she later went back and reminded David that he had PROMISED to make her son king? grrrr

      The only one I can add is one pastor said :”If your Bible doesn’t flop when you shake it don’t tell me you’re a Christian because you aren’t reading your Bible enough!” What about this woman who has a hardcover ESV? 🙄

  4. @Rob, I cannot tell you the shock it was to me, after graduating from BJU, to sit down to enjoy the MUSIC MAN, and see for the first time what Robert Preston was parodying. It had never really hit me before. Even then I thought it was hilarious.

  5. @BASSENCO I hadn’t seen it till a few years ago, and it skyrockted to the top 5 best musicals!

    We got TROUBLE! Right here in River City!

  6. @Stan: that’s not only annoying, it’s inaccurate (as most things fundy are). The monastery is St. Katherine’s in Sinai, and it’s Greek Orthodox, not Catholic.

  7. “We don’t drink, or dance, or chew. . .and we don’t go w/ those who do.”

    “Tobacco is an evil weed, and from the devil doth proceed. . It picks your pockets, burns your clothes, and makes a stovepipe out of your nose.”

  8. Heard a preacher say, when speaking about the absoluteness of pastoral authority, “I’m not a dictator, I’m the only-tator.” Why I didn’t run screaming out of that church immediately, I don’t know. Was drinking too much of the Kool-Aid at the time, I suppose.

  9. “The King James Bible…If it was good enough for the Paul the Apostle, it’s good enough for me!”

    “It says, ‘Whosoever will’. That means God is not a Calvinist.”

    “If you ain’t door-knockin’, you ain’t right with God.”

    “Long hair on men and women in pants – both are an abomination to God.”

  10. Trying to force you to choose between two things that are not mutually exclusive (ex…. well which one is right, Calvinism or the Bible?)

  11. God said it I belive it some add that settles it. There’s even a song


    Why are there adds that say Find your soulmate and an add for MP3s on the right side(at least on my computer they are now)?

    1. *twitch* *twitch* *TWITCH* Now THAT brought back bad memories! The plastic smiles… the choreographed hand raising… the sickeningly happy voices… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! 😯 😯 😯 The song will not stop playinging in my head!!!

  12. Why are there adds that say Find your soulmate and an add for MP3s on the right side(at least on my computer they are now)?

    Because hosting this site costs money that I pay out of my own pocket and I put up occasional Google and Amazon ad spots to help defray the cost.

    I have no control over what Google decides to advertise to you, and my understanding is that much of it is based on your own surfing history.


  13. So this post is basically EPIC. Lovin’ it hardcore!

    @ Jordan P. first comment of yours. “not religion, relationship” one. Oh man. I fell for that years ago in fundyland. There’s even a facebook page for it now. Mm…almost made me scream/cry when I saw that.

    And I’m noticing a trend. One could easily go to his or her local Xian bookstore and go to the clothing section. Tah-dah! Fundy jingles galore! And they even apply to other Christians non-IFB type!

    “Keep on keepin’ on!”
    I forget what this was referenced to, but it bugs me to hear it.

  14. @ Reader Mo

    Couldn’t tell by your response whether or not you knew my quote was a criticism of something often repeated in fundy circles. The same could be said about stuff heard from the KJVO crowd about Wescott and Hort being secret Jesuit priests (or something like that).

  15. I realize that “Be not conformed to this world” is a verse, however, it was always used to grandstand against whatever their latest pet peeve was. Still strongly dislike that verse as a result. I never understood how they got to decide what was conforming to this world. Couldn’t listen to “worldly music” but they could drive a car. Don’t people of this world drive a car? The list could go on!!

  16. “Real Men Love Jesus” (and wear coats to church, and don’t have hair that touches their ears, and carry 12 pound Bibles)

    “Every Date is a Potential Mate”

    “God hates divorce” (thereby married peope are better than divorced people although married people may be more miserable)

    “It’s a shame when the only ‘Amen’ I hear is from the women! Where are the men of God WHO WILL STAND FOR TRUTH AND SHOUT ‘AMEN’ INSTEAD OF COWERING LIKE A PANTY-WAISTED LIBERAL!!!???”

  17. and all the people said AMEN!! (brief pause) A M E N???

    Benediction; (after singing 100 verses of “Just as I am” over and over…)

    “When they had all sung a hymn they went out into the Mount of Olives to pray.”

    (Never could find the Mount of Olives anywhere near my Fundamental Baptist Church but was just glad the pastor finally stopped telling us to sing another verse of “Just As I AM!”)

  18. “When you’re up, you’re up. And when you’re down you’re down. But when you’re only halfway up, you’re neither up nor down.”

    Bolstered by a mis-interpretation of the “neither hot nor cold”metaphor in Revelation, this jingle was often used to say in a backhanded way that being totally evil was better than striking a compromise between good and evil. Ie, compromisers were the worst people in the world, and compromise the greatest sin.

  19. “Christian by conversion; Independent Fundamental Baptist by Conviction.”
    “Heaven bound with the hammer down.”
    “KJV positive; NIV negative.”
    “The Will of God will not lead you; where the Grace of God can’t keep you.”

  20. @Stan: i got it. i meant to criticize fundies and not you. going back to read my post, i can see how it could come accross wrong. my bad.

    i’ve also heard that wescott & hort were (a)jesuits, (b)witches, & (c)gay.

    strangely enough, i never heard about king james being gay until i left fundyism.

  21. I just discovered your blog and this post is giving me the best laugh I’ve had in awhile.

    My two favorites came from my former pastor:

    “That’s just one of the mysteries of the bible.”

    “You need to stop asking so many questions. Just have faith.”

  22. “Just two choices on the shelf, pleasing God and pleasing self.”

    As if we could please God in some way that Jesus hasn’t already done.

  23. “Sheep are stupid”, applied to explaination of Psalm 23. Some how the preacher thought this provided perfect understanding of this passage. Why would you infer that the people who were paying you are stupid?

  24. @“KJV positive; NIV negative.”

    Wow, that one’s pretty tasteless, actually. A lot them seem to be focused more on the sentiment than what they actually say, because past the “cute”, there’s a lot of misinformation there…

  25. I know this is off track–and I have heard all of these saysing at one time or another. To the BJers, if you are one of those APL people, does that me you rat on everyone in your room? If so, THAT explains volumes!

  26. @Maria Berg I can’t speak for BJU. PCC wants their APL’s carrying demerit slips & reporting violations in the rooms. It rarely happens, but you def are on the fast track to becoming floor leader if you report your rommates for various violations.

  27. @maria berg: BJU only grants the demerit-giving imperium to hall leaders. While, ideally, the APCs and PCs kept order and the rule of handbook law in their rooms, there was an entirely separate network of rats that was much more likely to turn people in. Which makes sense, given the whole Milgram experiment thing–you’re less likely to rat on someone you know and live with than someone you never or rarely see.

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