Finding New Stuff in the Bible

biblemagnifySomeone once said that most heresy is started by one man sitting alone in a room with a Bible. That person was not a fundamentalist. In fact, a staple of many fundamentalist sermons is this line: “I was reading this passage this week and I found something there that I’d never seen before…” What’s even more striking is that nobody else in orthodox Christianity has ever seen it there before either.

What follows next could be just about anything from facts about Jesus not having belly button to suggestions that anti-depression medications may cause a mild case of demon possession. Whatever the case it will be highly entertaining and elicit a lot of amens from the preacher boys who will then and there determine that they too will someday uncover such scintillating jewels of truth.

It is important to note that not everybody gets these same discovery privileges. If a woman should happen to discover from the Scripture something as strange as the office of a deaconess she will be informed that only people with an extra helping of the Holy Spirit get to find new things in the Bible and that she’d be better off quietly re-reading Proverbs 31 a few more times.

“You won’t hear this preached anywhere else!” That’s for sure.

18 thoughts on “Finding New Stuff in the Bible”

  1. 🙂 A lot of the stuff on this site just sounds like poking fun at silly stuff that is irrelevant, such as the preacher boy post; but this one definitely rings true. Ha ha. It got a laugh out of me. (And a painful reminding cringe.) It is definitely always “preacher boy” despite Deborah, Huldah, Anna, the four prophesying daughters in Acts, Pheobe, Junias, and many more.
    Not to mention the prophesy of Joel.

    1. No Junebelle…that’s where you’re wrong…ALL the satire and issues raised on this blog are important because they ALL are packaged together as “real” Christianity in various fundy circles when in reality they represent nothing more than a misguided, man-made perversion of what it means to be a Christ follower…pretty much what the Catholic church did if you think about it…

  2. Someone has actually preached that Jesus did not have a belly button( please tell me it was not a whole sermon) 😯 ? What kind of weird reasons did they give fore that?

  3. One thing I remember about Hyles was EVERY time he would begin a Wednesday night Bible study with a verse, he would read the verse and then say, “Now what this verse/word REALLY means is…” and then he would go off on some crazy new thing that I had never heard before. One time it was something about our lives being pleated like a skirt or some other thing. I think he felt he needed to have something new each week or we might have had to actually read some of the OTHER verses in the Bible.

    1. Personal fave: the Wed. Night series on the Psalms, when he got to the one David wrote after he, as the KJV sweetly put it in another place, “pisseth against the wall.”. LOL. Idiot.
      Hyles used the term, “relieved himself,” and tried to show how though the Bible SEEMED to indicate that David was falsely presenting himself as a madman, it was not that at all. Because David would never have done that.
      Huh. Seems to me that David, just like me, was capable of pretty much any sin. But not according to the JHV. 🙄

      1. Remember his sermon about Daniel and how he was NOT a role model at all, because he went to the “secular university” of the time, and then tried to turn everything Daniel did into a negative rather than anything good at all. And he said the reason only Shadrach Meshach and Abednigo were thrown into the fire and not Daniel was because Daniel must have bowed down to the idol. (presented as fact)

        1. That makes me mad. I am so baffled why he got such an audience for this kind of stupidity.

        2. He was the *KING* of finding stuff in the Bible that wasn’t there. Unfortunately many of his followers picked up that trait. Jack-hole Schaap was on here a while back for doing a whole thing about Joseph being an over-the-hill perv and Mary was passed over by all the other guys and finally Joseph bit the bullet to marry her. They lived in a house filled with discord, etc. All spun entirely out of NOTHING WHATSOEVER!!!

        3. OMG did he really rag on Daniel like that? What a jerk! Daniel is my favorite OT Bible character. If I’d been sitting there and heard him rag on Daniel like that I’d have gotten up and walked out! The bloody nerve. Daniel did NOT bow before the idol. Most commentators think Daniel was out of town on the king’s business since he had become such a favorite of the king by that time, after he’d interpreted the king’s dreams.

          As for what he said about Joseph and Mary being MIDDLE AGED, I saw that for myself last year on a you tube vid. He actually had the unmitigated gall to say that if you disagreed with him because you’ve never heard this before that “facts are funny things.” There is nowhere in the Bible even a hint about Joseph and Mary being middle aged. Where does he get this stuff?

          And why do all those people put up with him? He needs to be run out of that church on a rail! 👿

        4. There’s no mention of the age of either Mary or Joseph in the Bible. The tradition that Mary was young and Joseph was old started sometime in the Middle Ages or the Renaissance.

      2. He got corrected by someone on the David thing, because by the time he published his book on Psalms, he had changed his story. We puzzled over that one amongst ourselves….

    2. My old fundy pastor did a series on Elijah, and you’d think Elijah was a horrid prophet from the way he described him! He pulled some fantastic stuff out.

      My “favorite” was how Elijah was sinning terribly by getting depressed and running away to hide in the cave. Oooh Elijah was so so wrong. He used it as an underhanded way to rag on my dad for being depressed. Forget about talking to him privately and trying to help him 🙄 So.Mad.

      I’m thinking, if God didn’t drag him over the coals for his supposed sin, who are you to criticize him??

      1. “Being depressed (or having any mood disorder) is due to sin.” That heresy causes an almost infinite amount of suffering and misunderstanding, heaping hot coals on the heads of people who are already afflicted.

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