Many modern preachers have discontinued the use of a pulpit, preferring instead to roam the stage freely sporting headset mics and using slide presentations. Fundamentalists, however, remain big fans of the old-fashioned pulpit and continue to put flowers in front of it and bestow upon it the title of the “sacred desk.”

The pulpit itself is no mere common piece of furniture for it has countless uses to the fundamentalist preacher. Among these are…

  • Holder for the microphone for those churches where holding the mic in one’s hands is forbidden as a Freudian no-no.
  • Resting spot for the ubiquitous cup of water that sits on it in testament to the fact that the preacher is no lightweight who will only be preaching for twenty minutes. He plans to preach until he is dry then preach some more.
  • Place for the speaker to set his wide margin preaching Bible (KJV), his watch (a completely pointless gesture), his ream of sermon notes (if he is of the note-using school), and all of his source material (consisting of a single volume of Sword of the Lord illustrations and a book of Great Poems For Sermons.)
  • Solid surface on which to pound while making dubious points. The rule is the thinner the argument the louder the preacher must yell and pound.
  • Line of demarcation between an official speaker and someone just giving a talk. Women or divorced men, for example may be asked to speak from the floor instead of from the place of authority lest they profane that hallowed spot.

So synonymous is this wooden box with the pastor himself that the search for a new pastor is carried out by a “pulpit committee.” Beware to those who would handle it carelessly lest they be struck down.

16 thoughts on “Pulpits”

  1. Don’t forget that the table in front of the pulpit must have “This do in remembrance of me” engraved on the front – even though the “this” that we should do is only done, oh, about twice a year.

  2. And no powerpoint or overhead projector for teaching or singing. I once heard a pastor say that if his church didn’t have enough money to buy hymnals, he would send his people out to beg on the streets for money to buy them before he would put the hymns up on a screen.

  3. Nicole,
    having a projector is just one step away from putting your hands up in the air (since you aren’t holding a hymnal)…and where would fundamentalism be if people had their hands in the air?
    lol 🙂

    1. That sounds like a typical Fundie Tithes and Offerings collection….”alright, hands in the air, Ushers have’m give till I’ll feel good about it…” 😯

  4. I was reminded of this post when I saw a discussion regarding a certain church/college’s recent Pastor’s School.

    The host pastor gifted one of the guest speakers with a handcarved pulpit, which has been described as a “suh-weet” pulpit. Others consider this evidence of the host pastor’s class.

    Every time I see people commenting on this specific gift, I think of this post and start giggling, sometimes, even, uncontrollably.

  5. Here’s a question. Was your pastor’s pulpit bullet proof. Now that’s a true preacher’s pulpit.

  6. According to IFB legend, Harold Chiolero of the First Baptist Church of Cicero, Illinois kept a double-barrelled shotgun in his pulpit.

    1. I have a holster fixed to my pulpit to hold my Glock 17. With the number of church shootings, one can never be under prepaired.

        1. @ J Heller

          Lol…do you plan to come running up the center aisle waving a gun or something? What exactly are you afraid of?

  7. Wow.
    Reading this and others, the posts and comments were much nicer in these earlier ones.

    It has gotten way more mean spirited over time here.

    1. Well, considering that this post presently has 10 comments while recent ones have well over 100, there’s bound to be some different attitudes expressed.

      BTW, “Say not thou, What is [the cause] that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not inquire wisely concerning this.” Ecc. 7:10 🙂

    2. Some of the worst and most vile comments here have been from people who claim to be fundamentalist xians.

  8. Dude. We have a pulpit with flowers in front, on a table that says “this do in remembrance of me.”

    1. If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them.
      Just remember to throw the pot with it.

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