It’s Valentines and love is in the air. That means it’s time for the annual Valentines banquet at the Last Bible Believers Until the Rapture Baptist Church.
The large folding tables are decorated with red crepe paper and little candles which promise an instant conflagration if anyone gets carried away with their chicken dinner. Over in the corner a CD player croons out “I Come To the Garden Alone” and other romantic hymns.
Also in the corner is the small table where the three single ladies who teach at the Christian school sit each year. Because, bless their hearts, everyone knows they’re not ever going to find someone and it would just be cruel to leave them sitting at home.
Now, the highlight of the evening begins. Off goes the music and up stands the traveling evangelist who has been scheduled to bring this evening’s message. His text in Ezekiel is quickly read and he begins to preach on every evangelist’s favorite topic “Sin: Why I Am Against It.”
At last, the sermon comes to an end and the electric organ lets out the plaintive bleating strains of “Sinner Come Home.” It’s time for the invitation to begin. Time for everyone to leave their sweetheart behind and get that sin right. Don’t you feel the Spirit moving to make a commitment to tithe? Come on down.
The invitation concludes, the leftovers are packed up to go home with the three singles in the corner, and each couple returns to their own house to ponder the lessons learned at this momentous Valentines and wonder if next year a nice restaurant and some quiet time alone might not be a nice change.
6 thoughts on “Valentines Banquets With Invitations”
Get your hart rite punk.
Hey, Bro. Dr. Phil. It’s good to see you out and about. 🙂
You forgot to mention that if your not married and your there with your boyfriend, God help you if you try to hold hands, if you do so and are caught you Will have to endure haveing “hands layed on” both of you while everyone prays for the devil not to temp you into such wicked trechery.
Ah yes, there’s nothing like crepe paper, cheap Valentine’s foldouts, angel’d eggs, cold cassarole, and fire and brimstone preaching that just makes a girl want to go home with her husband and make babies.
Whoa! I may have to rethink my longstanding boycott of these things!
The leftovers become a fundraiser for the Christian school. The banquet was $15, the leftovers are $3 a plate on Sunday night. (Totally true!)