Fundamentalists take the command to “be fruitful and multiply” very seriously. After all, the best way to make sure there are always a supply of young fundamentalists is to grow your own. The Amish have successfully used this technique for centuries and fundies are big fans too.
Having a family of seven, twelve, or sixteen kids is a lot of work and very expensive. That’s why fundamentalist fathers take only the best paying jobs like assistant Christian school gym teacher or church handyman. Getting the group discount at parks and museums is just an added bonus.
Of course, having a large family does present some difficulties too. People will stare and ask silly questions like “are these all yours?” (as if someone would willingly drag nine of someone else’s kids through Walmart). Children do accidentally get left at stores and gas stations. And going out to eat can require more planning and expense than the Normandy Invasion.
It’s not all bad, however. there are advantages too. For example, not every teenager gets the privilege of learning to drive in a fifteen-passenger van. And if all the kids learn a musical instrument, there’s a lot of opportunity for traveling performance ministries.
Why settle for any less than a quiver full?
Having visiting missionaries in the audience is an exciting time at fundamentalist churches. They set up displays with neat pictures and artifacts from their mission field. They tell thrilling stories of exotic peoples and cultures in far away lands like Botswana, Tanzania, or New Jersey. But most importantly, missionaries show slide shows.
When C.H. Spurgeon was in his heyday, an Anglican minister penned these words: