This year’s edition comes from Terry Watkins at Jesus-Is-Savior.com wherein we learn that the New Age Religions (whatever they are) have some deity or another named “Sanat Kumara” which is apparently somehow relevant. Fascinating stuff.
Any article about Santa that includes quotes from Texe Marrs has to be good, right?
Commandments Concerning Yultide Cheer
When it shall come to pass that the calendar shall have flipped through another year and thou shalt find thyself again in the Christmas season that thou shalt then with all diligence and steadfastness of thy heart and bowels. For we all know that naughtiness is rewarded not with coals in thy stocking but with the never-dying coals of perdition. Therefore watch out to abstain from pouting, crying and all the rest of the deadly sins.
And of thy Christmas presents we have only this commandment: that thou allow no toy that is worldly, no song that is current, no movie that is recent, no clothes that are fashionable, no drinks that are alcoholic, and no electronics doodads which can be used in the pursuit of lust, laziness, or lighthearted tomfoolery. In short, thou hadst better just stick to shopping at the church bookstore. Missionary biographies are 50% off.
But of the decorations of thine house thou shalt allow no trace of the papist Nicholas or his little-folk spawn for such is rank idolatry and in very bad taste. As for the other false gods of Rudolph, Frosty, The Grinch, and Tiny Tim we ask “why are you watching Christmas specials instead of attending Wednesday night service and Thursday visitation?” For shame.
So it is our wish that thy days be merry and bright and don’t forget that the cantata “Billy Dies Again (And Everybody Else Gets Saved)” Will be in place of our even service on Christmas Day and yes there will be two services on Christmas Day and I can’t imagine why you would think that’s a problem unless you have a hard and rebellious heart which coincidentally is what gets Billy killed twice so you won’t want to miss it.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p. 1225 (2512 in the European edition)
Norman Rockwell, Freedom from Want.
painting photo by Gary Halvorson, Oregon State Archives
For those of you who are currently driving to a gathering where fundy family members will be present, please stop reading this and keep your eyes on the road.
Once you’re no longer driving, however, here’s a quick guide to navigating the inevitable awkward conversations.
“Where are you going to church these days?”
Rule: Comparing churches with people who believe theirs is the only true church will never end well.
If you’re going to church: “It’s a place not that far from us and the kids love it there.”
If you’re not going to church: “We’ve been thinking about checking out this place not that far from us because the kids would love it there.”
“Can you believe that Obama…”
Rule: Political discussions should never be undertaken with family member who also frown on drinking.
If you didn’t vote for Obama: “Wow…yeah…hey, do you want some coffee?”
If you voted for Obama: “Wow…yeah…hey, do you want some coffee?”
“That reminds me of what Pastor said last Sunday…”
Rule: Direct confrontation won’t work. Instead, confuse them with verbal judo.
If their pastor is a jackass: “That’s really interesting. Can you give me the references he used to back that up so I can look them up later?”
If their pastor is not a jackass: “You know that reminds me of a quote by (Billy Graham, the Dali Lama, Buddha and/or Bill Clinton).”
“Well we sure would love it if you would come to our Christmas program.”
Rule: Don’t do it. Do. Not. Do. It.
If you already have plans: “We already have plans for that night.”
If you don’t already have plans: “We already have plans for every night that month.”
Fundamentalists love America for it is the land of freedom; the land of Washington the Baptist; the land that flows with Milky Ways and honey mustard sauce. Yet, Fundamentalists hate America too for it is the land of gay marriage; the land of Madonna and the pelvis of Elvis; the land of public schools and open bars. With fundamentalists love is always conditional and these United States just aren’t fit to be loved anymore.
So instead, of loving the country as it is or as it could be fundamentalists set about to love it as it never was or as they hope it will someday be. They love the romantic myth of a country made with hands, prepared by their ancestors where every jot and tittle of the fundamentalists code is kept. It’s a place where flags are never burned, gays are always burned and a counsel of Baptist pastors has just re-written the Bill of Rights to read “Christians have no rights. Non-Christians have even less than that.” In this beautiful city on a hill everybody shows the joy of Jesus on their face, or else.
In this land everything is banned for our own good. Liquor is no longer. Drugs, infidelity and children throwing tantrums at Denny’s all now receive the death penalty. Women are keepers at home, dreaming of the day when they may have a career as church secretary serving under a popular pastor. Children are taught 1611 English in schools and Congress has just passed a law mandating that Saviour must be spelled with a ‘u’. From sea to shining sea there are white picket fences surrounding white houses full of white people with the sound of hymns drifting from every radio.
Now there’s an America that a fundy could love. God forbid.