Quiverfulmania

[LMcC]

(04-14-2011 08:05 AM)leaving Wrote:  I know. Any time I even try to voice a preference that my husband not do something at a particular time (something that doesn't need to be done then) the penis rules no matter what logical reasons I have. Usually it's not that I care that he wants to go do whatever it is, but sometimes the timing bothers me. He's not a football, hunting of fishing kind of guy though. He's a "I want to go to the movies now, tonight, with my friends, and I only just thought of it and I know you have that major project to do that I've been promising for six months that we could do tonight, but I just want to go to the movies with my friends".

My friends who married earlier learned all that the hard way. The wives would have to do major-scale planning for even a trip to the store, and their husbands would just go play basketball without a thought in the world about their wives and children. It isn't right, but it's the way of the world. Funny, what's that about Christians being different from the... never mind.

Quote:And yet, I have to say no to a lot of things. He claims we "can't afford" for me to have hobbies, and yet we CAN afford HIS world of warcraft subscription, and sometimes netflix which I also don't care for but don't care if he does, but he tells me that hobbies that women like are "too expensive".

That's a complete lack of respect to you. I get tired of these accounts of women being denied the ability to do even simple fun activities while the husbands are spending obscene amounts of money on their boats, their fishing gear, their sports cars...

Quote:Not saying our marriage is awful, it is starting to improve, but there are so many frustrations, and he was brought up to believe that he rules the roost, and anything that his woman wants probably isn't "necessary". Well, not as necessary as having a world of warcraft subscription, at any rate...

So much for what the Bible says about husbands and sacrificial love for their wives, right? The IFBs are such experts at turning that on its head. If he's willing to force you not to have your own personal enjoyments, it's time for him to sacrifice his extra pleasures as well. Him having his little toys while you have nothing is pure selfishness.

[LMcC]

(04-14-2011 08:39 AM)Smith Wrote:  Wow, I've got "time envy"...I admire the fact that some husbands have the time to do stuff. You know it's bad when going into town for a hair cut is "away time"....

You both need time to relax and unwind. Make sure you both can do it.

[richao]

(04-14-2011 08:42 AM)LMcC Wrote:  

(04-14-2011 08:05 AM)leaving Wrote:  I know. Any time I even try to voice a preference that my husband not do something at a particular time (something that doesn't need to be done then) the penis rules no matter what logical reasons I have. Usually it's not that I care that he wants to go do whatever it is, but sometimes the timing bothers me. He's not a football, hunting of fishing kind of guy though. He's a "I want to go to the movies now, tonight, with my friends, and I only just thought of it and I know you have that major project to do that I've been promising for six months that we could do tonight, but I just want to go to the movies with my friends".

My friends who married earlier learned all that the hard way. The wives would have to do major-scale planning for even a trip to the store, and their husbands would just go play basketball without a thought in the world about their wives and children. It isn't right, but it's the way of the world. Funny, what's that about Christians being different from the... never mind.

Quote:And yet, I have to say no to a lot of things. He claims we "can't afford" for me to have hobbies, and yet we CAN afford HIS world of warcraft subscription, and sometimes netflix which I also don't care for but don't care if he does, but he tells me that hobbies that women like are "too expensive".

That's a complete lack of respect to you. I get tired of these accounts of women being denied the ability to do even simple fun activities while the husbands are spending obscene amounts of money on their boats, their fishing gear, their sports cars...

Quote:Not saying our marriage is awful, it is starting to improve, but there are so many frustrations, and he was brought up to believe that he rules the roost, and anything that his woman wants probably isn't "necessary". Well, not as necessary as having a world of warcraft subscription, at any rate...

So much for what the Bible says about husbands and sacrificial love for their wives, right? The IFBs are such experts at turning that on its head. If he's willing to force you not to have your own personal enjoyments, it's time for him to sacrifice his extra pleasures as well. Him having his little toys while you have nothing is pure selfishness.

As a guy, I have to agree with all of this. I think there's a popular stereotype, both in the culture at large and especially in fundy churches, that women want, want, want, and fundy preachers use this stereotype to emphasize the need to keep women under control financially.

It shocked me when I went to Japan and discovered that, in the vast majority of households, it was the wife (yes, those subservient Japanese women) who controlled the purse strings. The husband would bring home his pay packet (before direct deposit was common, and folks were typically paid in cash), hand it over to his wife, and she would hand him back his spending allowance for the month. Husbands routinely referred to their wives as "the minister of finance" or "the treasury department."

I was never comfortable with this arrangement (in our household, I do most of the money management, but it's all in Quicken, which my wife regularly reviews and accesses to enter transactions), but I think it more closely fits with the vast majority of human experience: Men tend to have the more expensive hobbies (boats, hunting, cars) and the more destructive attachments (consider all the stories about men drinking away their family paycheck), and they often don't feel the biological connection with their children intensely enough to sacrifices these impulses and desires. Women (again stereotyping here, but I think it's truer than the stereotypes common in fundy churches) often feel this bond more strongly and will make the hard sacrifices necessary to, e.g., send their kids to the local cram school to ensure that they get into a decent college or to squirrel money away for the inevitable rainy day.

Another example of an area where fundamentalist dogma is simply inconsistent with the reality of human experience.

[richao]

(04-14-2011 09:24 AM)Donb123 Wrote:  

(04-14-2011 08:57 AM)richao Wrote:  [quote='LMcC' pid='15529' dateline='1302788536']
It shocked me when I went to Japan and discovered that, in the vast majority of households, it was the wife (yes, those subservient Japanese women) who controlled the purse strings. The husband would bring home his pay packet (before direct deposit was common, and folks were typically paid in cash), hand it over to his wife, and she would hand him back his spending allowance for the month. Husbands routinely referred to their wives as "the minister of finance" or "the treasury department."

My wife is an accountant and I HATE managing finances. I run my own business but don't like dealing with the money part of it nor with the household budget and it's where the wife is gifted. I do just like those Japanese men- I just hand it all over

Ha. It's the opposite in our house, as my wife has absolutely no interesting in the nuts and bolts of managing bank accounts. That said, she is by far the more rational of the two of us when it comes to spending, and I'm sure we'd be better off financially if she had taken control...

[leaving]

My husband and I have been going around and around for about a year on a financial decision. In the end, it's always HIS way.

So when I ask him why he gets to have the final say just because he has a penis, he tells me that I'm disgusting and how dare I use his anatomy to say rude things about him, and how it's not true anyway. So then when I ask him: "ok, so if you don't get to make the decision just because you are a man, what else is it that gives you the authority to veto my wants and needs and demand it be done your way?" He never has an answer...but still will swear that being a man has NOTHING to do with it, even though we both know it has everything to do with it. If I threaten to just get it done anyway, he says our main accounts are in his name primarily and he'll get them to cancel my credit cards. Oh, but it has nothing to do with his penis, no, not at all. *roll eyes*.

[Elijah Craig]

(04-14-2011 07:12 AM)leaving Wrote:  

(04-14-2011 12:17 AM)Elijah Craig Wrote:  However, do you believe most men want to hold women under their thumb? Is that how you treat women? Do most women in traditional marriages seem unhappy and abused?

I think most men really just want their wives to stay off their back and leave them alone so they can watch football with the boys. Or whatever the male custom is in their country.

I believe most "Christian" men want to hold women under their thumbs and unfortunately I've seen that to be true. And their pastors tell them frequently from the pulpit that they are allowed to do this and the wife is rebellious if she does not allow herself to be taken advantage of.

I don't know if that is how Smith treats women, but it's how a lot of IFB men treat women.

Most women in traditional IFB marriages are abused and then are told they can't talk about it.

If men want to be left alone all the time to watch football with the boys, there is a remedy for that. It's called staying single. Otherwise, you got married, you had kids, help out with them instead of sitting on your butt waiting for your wife to do everything and demanding that she do so.

Wow.

[Elijah Craig]

(04-14-2011 07:43 AM)Smith Wrote:  @EC,
Get your own beer.

She brings Quiverful material to "help" me...
...I tell her to get me a beer instead.

Get it? If she wants to bring me something to ingest, she can bring me a beer. Get it?

Oh never mind...

[Darrell]

Quote:I believe most "Christian" men want to hold women under their thumbs and unfortunately I've seen that to be true.

May I lovingly suggest to you that you really need to get out of fundyland and into the fresh air and sunshine of real Christianity before making that assumption?

There are a whole lot of Christians in the world. Most of them have never even heard of a fundamental Baptist and never been taught that it's a man's place to treat his wife like property.

I'm still a an evangelical Christian. I'm even a "soft" complementarian (although hardly militant about it). Feel free to ask my wife if I "hold her under my thumb." I'd be interested to see what she has to say when she gets through laughing.

[leaving]

I can't get a break from fundyland completely yet...my husband and I both have to somehow agree on a church, and he only likes the one that seem fundy. Lol. I'm sure I will see a lot of things differently when I've been out a while, but this is a new thing for me.

[Elijah Craig]

Victims are drawn to abusive people. If a person keeps attracting abusive friends and romantic partners, then they should probably see a counselor and work on that.

People tend to befriend people who are like them. The really conservative lady at work that circulates the lastest World Nut Daily article probably can't imagine that liberals can be nice, good, moral people because she doesn't know any. The guy over in the corner with dreadlocks listening to Rage can't imagine that churches help the poor because everyone he knows says they don't.

If you're in a crazy environment, get out. Don't make crazy your normal and then wonder why nobody agrees with you.