De-Programming

[Jenn]

After my graduation from BJU I worked a few jobs in retail. I was very weird and I knew it, and loathed myself day after day. I was weird because I was always on guard for an opportunity to witness to people. And then if the slightest opportunity arose, I went into a panic. shaky. red faced. trying to say something and it all coming out totally wrong. then going home in my circle of misery. pleading with God to help me be a testimony. then failing. And obviously being the most miserable coworker anyone every worked with. a never ending circle of failure.

Any sermon I ever heard that talked about the love of God or grace, my mind immediately fought against it with chapter and verse about judgment. Hearing "God loves you," all I could hear was, "He may love you, but that doesn't mean He's happy with you!"

What saved me was a total breakdown that sent me to therapy. I still wrestle with the fact that a Jewish psychologist and pills are what rescued me. I thought meditating on God's word was the answer to psychological pain.

I've been attending a large church for a while that I love. I'm hearing about the love of God, and in my heart, I feel I believe it. I'm still incredibly confused and the idea of a Bible study, which I'm looking into, feels stressful to me. One thing that eases my stress is just to be kind to people. I know that being kind to people matters. Even to be kind to myself. And reminding myself that God can handle my questions.

[IFB No More]

I'll share how I de-programmed.

One important thing I have learnt is not be too stuck-up in a shell and go and widen your circle of fellowship. Once you are obsessed with your denom, your group it's a good breeding ground for extremism and spiritual abuse. I observed that fundamentalist Christianity tends to be very devoted to their local church - which may or may not be a good thing depending on what is defined as "devoted". I joined a conservative right-leaning reformed church, joined a "neo-evangelical" inter-denom Christian group, and pays about equal attention to both of them (in terms of Christian fellowship). I even made friends with some people the IFBers call "heathens" - these guys love their booze and nightlife!

I have learnt that it is very important to take things lightly, and do not commit to a cause unless you know about it totally. I should have taken this into thought before joining the IFBers when I was young

[nomiekh86]

Before I say anything else, I wonder... Has anyone read "The Shack"? What did you think of it? It changed my perspective of God and reality... many preconceived notions I had held for years are being pulled out, examined and torn apart. It's a very good feeling.

Learning to live the great commandments (Luke 10:27) is is how I am coping... and not just coping, but living in expectancy of joy and love of this very moment. God is so good. While I am still hearing accusing voices in my head and am still catching myself judging people (and myself!) harshly, I am thankful I have come from where I have. I was three years in an IFB church as a child... my family left right before a storm broke in the church (which then split in half). We were ostracized. Only a two or three of our friends would speak to us and they were criticized severely for doing so. My father was desperately hurt by this and when the situation in the church was brought to light, he felt justified in reacting badly. This resulted in a patriarchal home in which we had few friends, many standards, etc, etc, loads of complacency and self loathing... and above all, a twisted perspective of God. They say that the most effective lie is 99% truth. I believe it.

But good has come out of it for me. I understand people better, I think. I am burdened to love them more. I find myself very hesitant to judge because I abhor the hypocrisy that always seems to accompany human judgement. Instead, I am learning about discernment and love. I am in love with love. I am in love with joy and happiness. I am in love with forgiveness. It is very true that each day brings a new challenge and understanding of God but I am finding that seeking truth and living in joy can cover a lot of bases.

God's love is unceasing, unlimited... It can be found anywhere, any time... in any person who wants it.

Not for that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy: for by faith ye stand. (2 Cor. 1:24)

[Easterlily241]

IFB No More: "One important thing I have learnt is not be too stuck-up in a shell and go and widen your circle of fellowship. Once you are obsessed with your denom, your group it's a good breeding ground for extremism and spiritual abuse."

Ack. That's what I need to do. I'm technically still in fundyland: I attend a HAC wanna-be IFB church. Trying to get the courage to move on.

I have very few friends outside of church, and not that many in church. I need a support group, like the book Boundaries emphasizes. But what friends I do have help a LOT. They provide a different view on Christianity that is much needed.

[I'm not telling]

I think one thing that has really facilitated my journey out of IFBism is making friends who are not just in the church I currently or previously (I've moved several times around the country) attended. I have shocked myself at how close I have become to people that 10 years ago I wouldn't have looked at twice. It really gives new perspective and broadens your horizons! I highly recommend it!

[Tikatu]

(01-04-2011 04:04 PM)exIFB Wrote:  Thunderbirds fan fiction (from your linked site)

Well, that's certainly different to what I was expecting, but I don't see why anyone would disapprove of that

Hm. Makes me wonder what you expected...

The disapproval would be because I show the characters smoking and drinking (which was canon for the show). I also write them as having sex outside of marriage (though I am never explicit) and have them take the Lord's name in vain.

After all, Christians are supposed to write tales where the heroes are all morally upstanding (or become saved and turn from their evil ways), right?

[wannabe exfundy]

(01-04-2011 01:14 PM)mounty Wrote:  Support groups or no, the absolute most important thing is to break the fundy glasses, scrub everything you thought you knew about God, and start from scratch.

This describes me to a T. It seems what I had thought was my faith is no more. The amount there is to re-learn is overwhelming and yet exhilarating at the same time.

[Exfundy_Philosopher]

(01-05-2011 08:14 PM)Im not telling Wrote:  I think one thing that has really facilitated my journey out of IFBism is making friends who are not just in the church I currently or previously (I've moved several times around the country) attended. I have shocked myself at how close I have become to people that 10 years ago I wouldn't have looked at twice. It really gives new perspective and broadens your horizons! I highly recommend it!

I agree completely. I have found that developing relationships with normal (non-fundy) people is one of the most effective means for deprogramming. Remember, a great deal of your fundy programming came about from simply being immersed in the movement. As you immerse yourself in the non-fundy world, you also undergo a healthy reprogramming.

[pastor's wife]

I'm just reading the Bible and listening to praise music and reading SFL. It's lonely and hard. I do have my husband which helps.

I don't think I know how to make friends with people who aren't in church. Church has always been my whole life. Now we're trying to be missional and reach out and make relationships with people and I'm feeling lost. I lost my former "friends" who left our church and now I'm not sure what to do.

[Don]

(01-08-2011 10:09 PM)pastors wife Wrote:  I'm just reading the Bible and listening to praise music and reading SFL. It's lonely and hard. I do have my husband which helps.

I don't think I know how to make friends with people who aren't in church. Church has always been my whole life. Now we're trying to be missional and reach out and make relationships with people and I'm feeling lost. I lost my former "friends" who left our church and now I'm not sure what to do.

Fundie Friendship Programming 101
-You can only have Christian Friends. These friends can only be friends from your church so you don't bring foreign liberal heresy in from an outside source.
-If you are on staff then you can only have friends who are on staff as well. This keeps the Class system in its proper perspective. You must not have friends outside the inner circle as this will look like you are playing favorites for one and it may create an illusion that there is no separation between the common pew dwellers and the staff positions.
-If you are on the pastoral staff or a spouse of a pastoral staff member then you must only cultivate friendships within the pastoral ranks. This places you on a higher spiritual plane for the common people to look up to.

It can be frustrating trying to make friends with the non-Christians in our lives.
-What do we have in common? (Fundie proof-text: 2 Cor.6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?)
-How do I give them the gospel? That is the proof of Fundie brainwashing. This idea that we befriend people in order to proselytize them.

So how do we go about it? How do we become regular people again? exFundy_Philosopher has the right idea, get involved in something that is absolutely not church related and don't make it church related. He went back to college. Another friend of mine teaches a class at the "Y." (don't ask me, I don't have a life outside of SFL and FB )

I'm right there with you PW, I share your frustration, how do we do it? How can we overcome the programming and make a difference? I want to make new friends but all I've ever really known is Church people.