Are your old fundy friends still your friends?

[pastor's wife]

@leaving, I'm so sorry you're so alone right now. I really hope that you can find a friend who'll accept you as you are.

(04-21-2011 07:12 AM)leaving Wrote:  Even though we didn't agree on everything I had respect for her and I wanted HER as my friend, because of the beautiful person she is. . . She's the most beautiful person and I miss her every day.

Have you written to her what you said up above? Even if she doesn't continue your friendship, at least she would have your letter with your words of affirmation and appreciation. It might be a way of "heaping coals on her head" because she's rejecting you but you're offering her words of praise. Maybe it would help her see that SHE'S the one who's not behaving right in this situation. Whereas if you wrote her a scathing letter about how mean she is, she'd probably just use that to justify ending your friendship.

Quote:I don't understand why it had to come to this.

Because fundies hold separation from the world as one of their most essential doctrines, they are not used to being friends with people who don't think exactly as they do. Also perhaps as she talked with you, she found herself agreeing with you and that scared her, because she saw that her life might change if she followed down that path so out of fear she cut off all contact.

Quote:She said that changing beliefs is only part of what caused the relationship to break down, but then said she didn't think it's profitable to talk about it. I though Biblically she was supposed to come to me with the issues that offended her.

It's very frustrating when people hint that there's another reason for their actions but they're not going to talk about it. It's a passive-aggressive power play and very common in fundy circles. It's a world where appearances matter most, so being transparent and authentic is rare! People don't want to be completely honest lest they be criticized or labeled or ostracized. So they hint at things and then withdraw. It's really not Biblical at all. You're not supposed to hold things against people, much less say, "There's things about you that bother me but what's the use of talking about them." If there's no use talking about them, why'd she even mention it in the first place?

Quote:She was the only real true friend I had, and certainly the only person I really trusted.

Now I have no special friend, nobody to trust, and I'm not sure if I can even trust again.

It's not fun to go through the dark valley of loneliness. I've experienced this a lot. This verse means a lot to me (because of course it can apply not just to parents but anyone who rejects you): Ps. 27:10 - "Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close." (NLT)

My husband and I have had long periods of time where we've not been close; we've been rebuilding our relationship and working on issues. I pray that your relationship can be healed, because having confidence in his love would help when you feel alone.

Concerning your questioning Christianity, there have been times when I've wondered if it were true or if it was truly worth it. Sometimes I've prayed, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" Like Peter, I say, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." Like the marshwiggle in C. S. Lewis's book "The Silver Chair" when the green lady was deceiving them into thinking there was no real world above, I would say, "I want to live like a Narnian even if there isn't a Narnia!" Of course, the Christianity presented by some churches isn't worth holding onto. A long, restictive list of dos and don'ts, an attitude of hate toward anyone who doesn't hold to the same standards, a complete lack of love or humility -- that's not a religion that makes one rejoice to live in it day after day.

I'd encourage you to dig into the Bible - and read it in another version than the KJV. (Even if you're KJV-only, you're thinking about throwing out your beliefs altogether, so surely it's OK to read another version!) Some say "The Message" made a big impact on them; I really like the New Living Translation. (The Living Bible WAS a paraphrase, but the New Living is a translation.) I didn't read anything but the KJV until I was around 20 years old, but God's Word came alive to me! I saw truths that my church had NEVER emphasized. I saw the importance of LOVE. I saw a God of compassion and humility; I wanted a Christian life that wasn't all about restrictive standards but was about doing justly and loving mercy and walking humbly with my God. I also have saturated myself with praise and worship music. These songs lift my heart in praise to God and focus on Who He is and they help me refocus on eternal things when I'm overwhelmed by the struggles in my earthly circumstances. I've been trying to collect a playlist of meaningful songs that have especially spoken to me in my discouragement (of losing 80% of our church, a church we'd been in for 10 years!). If you're interested in some of the ones that I especially like, I can get you a list.

The Psalms really speak to me when I'm discouraged and alone. The Psalmist (be it David or someone else) was often discouraged, depressed, and frustrated. I love how he poured out his deepest feelings of outrage and betrayal, of shame and loneliness, and ultimately of His total trust in God.

Praying for you, leaving. I'm really, really sorry that your friend abandoned you.